sweetpea01 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by Sal Paradise Yeah I doubt it works out either. He may wan t to forgive you but wanting to do that and actually doing it is two different things. Witnessing it will make it almost impossible to forgive. The images will haunt his dreams as long as he remains with you. And if he does stay with you he will throw it up in your face everytime you two argue (and rightfully so). Better hope he doesn't find any of your friends attractive, he basically has a screw one of your friends cards he can cash in any time he wants. You may not see him as vengeful but being hurt like he has been hurt can change a person. It can make them do things they would of never done before. SAL: I'm with you on this one. A bf/almost fiancee cheated on me in the past and I couldn't get over it. The only thing that could have made the pain worse was if I had witnessed it! These images will haunt this poor man forever, and as much as he thinks he can get over it, I think the relationship is already gone. It will just take a while to realize that. Not to be harsh, but something breaks, and it can't ever really be fixed. I took him back and then screwed around for awhile before washing my hands of the whole thing. It's a loss of respect, a lot of digust, anger, hurt, rage, etc... Also, I bet he didn't pull them apart because it really didn't matter at that point. Would it have been different if they stopped? Not really...the damage was already done. And in his heart, he wants to walk away like he did when he first saw it. That's his gut instinct. SP Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Why is it that every naughty story that comes on these boards, usually involves someone skinny dipping/camping/going to a party with a "friend", then something skanky happens, then the story teller is SHOCKED at what has occurred, as if it was some outside force that was visited on them... The first clue that things were not likely to go well was skinny dipping - I didn't need to read past that part. Whether he sticks around or not, at some point he's going to be very ticked off and he is definately not going to be thinking very well of you. And to the poster above about how this is not as bad as an intentional affair -- in some ways that's like asking whether its better to lose your left arm or your right arm. I wouldn't attempt to speak for all men, but what I read in this story is just how cheap it is -- like a tacky ONS. That is what would stick with me personally, and why I wouldn't stay with the woman. Just too grossed out. I think that's worse than an affair at least in terms of how repulsed you are about your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius Why is it that every naughty story that comes on these boards, usually involves someone skinny dipping/camping/going to a party with a "friend", then something skanky happens, then the story teller is SHOCKED at what has occurred, as if it was some outside force that was visited on them... Aliens. Their anal probing leaves behind mind control devices Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 I am SHOCKED because this is not normal behavior for me... I am shocked and appalled by my behavior and absolutelly don't need any of you to tell me how disgusting it is... but thank you for doing so. I posted here again...to vent and let out my feelings without hurting T further, and to gain insight into what he might be feeling from others... None of you know me or T personally and so I refuse to take your words personally, I am however listening to what you have to say and evalutating if it may be close to what T is feeling.... How many of you have been cheated on? I have not and am not denying or trying to excuse what happened on last Saturday night. It is not a big "sacrifice" for me to stop drinking, it is a necessity.... Maybe everything you are saying will come to pass, it is my hope it dosen't. If T decides to walk away will I understand? YES, but untill then I am committed to regaining his trust and rebuilding our relationship. ~C~ Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Maybe everything you are saying will come to pass, it is my hope it dosen't. If T decides to walk away will I understand? YES, but untill then I am committed to regaining his trust and rebuilding our relationship. That's what's important that you live up to your mistakes and prove to him you made a mistake. He's the only one that has to forgive you and deal with this. Just know that if he does forgive you, make sure you don't f*** it up again, you're a very lucky girl to have a bf who understands and loves you. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
slc9711 Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 I am going through the same thing right now with my bf. I posted a thread called the biggest mistake of my life. I too have been with my bf for 5 years and have never once thought about cheating. Then one night I went to a friends birthday party and got drunk. I don't really remember much of the night just a few bits and pieces. But, when I woke up in the morning I was in bed with a man, who was not my bf. I felt sick to my stomach...bc I couldn't believe this could happen. It's been 2 1/2 months since this happened I came home and told my bf right away. He said he forgave me about a month ago but, I know he hasn't bc he still brings it up. Anyways, I just wanted you to know your not alone... I don't know if my boyfriend will ever really be able to forgive me but, hopefully yours can... Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Well, as someone who has been cheated on, and has forgiven a woman for infidelity out of love, I can relate to what your finance is going though. But then again, I did not actually SEE it happening, but I know it did. I did hear about it too though, from her. In the end, we didn't work out, but it was not because I did not forgive her, and I didn't constantly stick it in her face either. Think of love as a weight that is being balanced from a center point. As long as there is a genuine give and take, and one side doesn't get too much heavier than the other, it will probably remain in balance. Like anything in balance, the larger and more massive it is, the more weight on one end or the other it takes to throw it out of balance and crash it to the ground, and the more foundation it has in the middle, the harder it is to throw it out of balance. What I am saying, is that whether you are going to work out, really just depends on how massive your love for one another is, and how committed you both are to keeping it in balance. When what happened happened, it hit one side of that balance with a sledgehammer, and almost sent it crashing to the ground, but your fiance loved you enough to catch it before it fell, and set it back in balance, at least for a little while, while he does some thinking. It sounds like your fiance is a great guy to be staying with you after this, and to be thinking about what this is going to do to your kids if he leaves (it sounds like he really loves them too). It also sounds like despite what happened, you are a nice person too, or you would not feel so bad about it all. I hope the two of you work out. Sometimes nice people do really, really stupid things, but sometimes other nice people can give them second chances. Best of luck to both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael86 Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 sick2mystomch.....For what it's worth, I'd like to see the two of you work this out. And that's big for me because infidelity to me is an unforgivable act. Especially since he saw you doing it with his best friend. However, I don't think this is a typical act of cheating. I also think T needs to go through a process of healing first and so far, I don't hear him doing that. Has he expressed anything to you? Anger, hurt, betrayal, mistrust? I find myself thinking alot about your situation. There is one thing that nags at me and someone else here brought it up. The way I understand it, C got up at 4:15am and tried to call T to find out where he was. He left a message and hung up. Then he got back into bed with you until 10:15am. Do I have this right? If so, what do you think about this? I'd like to hear your answer. I've said this and I'll say it again....C has to be out of your lives. I don't know how T feels about that but if it was me, I'd demand it. No contact whatsoever. I don't know if I'm succeeding or not but I'm trying to be helpful here. Like I said, I'm pulling for you guys. But I think it's going to take time. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by sick2mystomch How many of you have been cheated on? Me. And I notice a couple of others too. We're not randomly insulting you - the advice is based on experience and meant to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Once, and she was very quickly and unemotionally shown the door (total shut down of relationship in less than 10 minutes; never spoke to her again). Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 There is one thing that nags at me and someone else here brought it up. The way I understand it, C got up at 4:15am and tried to call T to find out where he was. He left a message and hung up. Then he got back into bed with you until 10:15am. Do I have this right? If so, what do you think about this? I'd like to hear your answer. I've said this and I'll say it again....C has to be out of your lives. I don't know how T feels about that but if it was me, I'd demand it. No contact whatsoever. Yes there was a message from C to T at 4:15 am... asking where T was & Yes When I woke Up C was in his bed next to me... So yes you have it right.... I don't know what to think about it, I don't remember anything, & since C had been such a good friend to T & I , of course want to give him the benefit of doubt.... No I do not believe that C can be in our lives. I just refuse to speculate about his motives or what took place while I was blacked out, I don't know..... T has expressed feeling incredibly shocked and betrayed, he also expresses feeling very confused as he says he loves me and that has not changed... He states he loves me as deeply as he did before Sat (18th) night... He states he is angry at me, himself, Chris,.... The counselor we went to yesterday... is advising T to write his feelings, questions, etc....and to allow me to see them that way... T expressed it is hard for him to express to me how he is feeling because even though he is angry, & hurt if I am emotionally effected by what he says he feels the need to protect me.... Me. And I notice a couple of others too. We're not randomly insulting you - the advice is based on experience and meant to help. I didn't assume anyone was randomly insulting me, I could tell that some had been hurt by infidelity by their response, I just was curious.. & I am not the woman or man who hurt any of you... I know that people react based on their personal experiences, and I have asked for your advice and thoughts, but I ask that you please remember that circumstances are different, & my relationship with T may be different than your situation... Again thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by sick2mystomch ...I have asked for your advice and thoughts, but I ask that you please remember that circumstances are different, & my relationship with T may be different than your situation... Feels nice to be a punching bag, doesn't it? Just keep your head up... you'll get through this, eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by sick2mystomch I didn't assume anyone was randomly insulting me, I could tell that some had been hurt by infidelity by their response, I just was curious.. & I am not the woman or man who hurt any of you... I know that people react based on their personal experiences, and I have asked for your advice and thoughts, but I ask that you please remember that circumstances are different, & my relationship with T may be different than your situation... Again thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Sorry sweetie - my comment was meant to be warmer and more compassionate than it actually sounded. I didn't mean to add to your woes For the record, I think it's excellent that you're trying to work this through. I have a lot of respect for your approach. And for the fact that you're willing to take the punches on the chin because you will hear out anything that might help. To encourage you, I *did* forgive my gf. The relationship ended for other reasons, but to this day we're on good terms when we see each other. And whenever I think of her, it's in a good way Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Feels nice to be a punching bag, doesn't it? Just keep your head up... you'll get through this, eventually. Sorry sweetie - my comment was meant to be warmer and more compassionate than it actually sounded. I didn't mean to add to your woes Thank You. As for the punching bag part... after everything that I have said to myself, the things you all have said are mild. It is getting a little better, I do have times throughout the day where I don't have that Knot in my stomach. Today will be Tough a letter arrived for T from C, on our front door. T has yet to see it as he had already left for work when it must have been placed there. It seems like it has been easier for T to focus his anger at C rather than at me... Like you all have said part of him I believe is still in denial...I think this letter may changee that... it scares me a little. To read the letter, reaffirms what I believe, C to have been as drunk as I was, and as shocked and hurt by hurting T as I am.... Please Tell me what you think. So here is the letter: T, I hope you will read this. I am not writing to change how you feel, but would like you to know a few things. I have never had any feelings at all for Carly, other than those toward a friend & mostly as your girlfriend. The thought of anything else is unimaginable. If anyone other than you said that happened, I would call them a liar and not even consider it possible ! I know you too well, though, to think you could say it if it were not true. Facing the idea that I have done this to you has devastated me, It goes against everything I believed I stood for as a man. I cannot ask your forgiveness, because I cannot forgive myself. I keep fighting and yearning for memories of the night that will prove it never happened. I can only compare it to waking up to discover I had killed someone, after drinking , with my car. I would give anything to turn back time. You are an honorable man in a world that has far too few. I truly valued your friendship as one of the few people I could fully respect. Having betrayed your trust is something I will regret forever. I am deeply sorry for having brought this pain into your life. C So there it is, I cried when I read it... This has ruined so much. I ttok the letter inside, as it is raining, and put it on T's end table in our room... and cried again. ~Carly~ Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Sounds like C is doing the right thing and taking it like a man - no excuses, full apology. I would forgive him in T's position. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Great letter... you can tell it's from the heart. I like how he accepts full responsibility for his actions, instead of making excuses for himself. That shows a lot of class... Wish I had a buddy like this (minus the ugly details). Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I have tears in my eyes from the letter. So, ok he writes the letter to hopefully get his friend back but remember this is hard. It's going to feel awkward at first but if your bonds are strong you'll get through this. He sounds sincere in his letter and you can tell it comes from the heart. No man who doesn't care for his friend or his intentions were other's than what was spoken about wouldn't write such a letter explaining himself and showing his friend he's sorry. This is going to be a long journey but if your love is strong I wish you the best of luck and you'll get through this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and this will definitely make you stronger either for another relationship if this one back-fires or the next one. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael86 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Carly, The letter sounds sincere but I still have some doubts. That part about him getting back into bed with you still bothers me. Anyway, it's really T's call. I think right now it's more important that you and T continue to work on this and that might be easier without C in your lives. Would T be able to work through this if the three of you were together again and the image of that night kept rushing back at him. The fact that you're in counseling with him is a positive step. And I was wrong, he's not sweeping this under the rug and he is trying to express his feelings. I think he feels so many things at once right now that he's confused. Like I said, it will take time. But I think you two will get there. I have a question that I'm going to throw out to everyone. I'm pleading ignorance on this one because I don't drink at all. Carly and C obviously have very strong deep loving feelings for T. Despite that, is it possible to get so drunk that you could completely abandon all those feelings for a person and do something that will destroy him? Wouldn't there be something inside of you no matter how drunk you are that would tell you.....this is wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Michael86 Wouldn't there be something inside of you no matter how drunk you are that would tell you.....this is wrong? Apparently not. Here's another question, just to play devil's advocate... how do we know T isn't making this up? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Michael86 I have a question that I'm going to throw out to everyone. I'm pleading ignorance on this one because I don't drink at all. Wise man. is it possible to get so drunk that you could completely abandon all those feelings for a person and do something that will destroy him? Wouldn't there be something inside of you no matter how drunk you are that would tell you.....this is wrong? When you drink, or are very tired, or emotional, or whatever, you become much more primal and impulse-driven. You do what you fancy. On the spur of the moment. Without always thinking of consequences. Our brains generate impulses all the time, and it's part of being human that some of them are going to be silly. But we usually have the good sense not to act on the silly ones. And often don't even notice them. I suspect that deep down, Carly and C have both wondered what it would be like to get together. That fateful night, the impulse came out... On the other hand, if T had confronted them while still drunk, they would probably have both instantly cried with remorse. New impulse. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Here's another question, just to play devil's advocate... how do we know T isn't making this up? Can you think of a reason why anyone would do that? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by lindya Can you think of a reason why anyone would do that? You have to ask my master Satan about this... I'm just an advocate in his service. Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 is it possible to get so drunk that you could completely abandon all those feelings for a person and do something that will destroy him? Wouldn't there be something inside of you no matter how drunk you are that would tell you.....this is wrong? I guess you know my answer to this question.... Michael.. I wish I could take back what happened, the only thing I can do is ensure I never put myself in a position to not be in control of myself... I am not and will not drink again. T cried and became visibly angry after reading C's letter... He said "you can't ever hurt me like this again" Then said " You know what I mean, you can hurt me again, you have that power, but you can't ever hurt me again, I can't hurt like this again". Link to post Share on other sites
Michael86 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by sick2mystomch I guess you know my answer to this question.... Michael.. I wish I could take back what happened, the only thing I can do is ensure I never put myself in a position to not be in control of myself... I am not and will not drink again. Smart move not to drink anymore. T cried and became visibly angry after reading C's letter... He said "you can't ever hurt me like this again" Then said " You know what I mean, you can hurt me again, you have that power, but you can't ever hurt me again, I can't hurt like this again". I know exactly what T means. I've said the same thing myself. Because of his love for you, he's vulnerable and that's why you can hurt him. He's also telling you he can't possibly go through this again. I really feel for the guy. I've felt that kind of pain before. Keep posting Carly. Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 T and I are leaving for Montana tonight... we have been planning this trip for Months... I am looking forward to it... T and I are planning on doing some rock climbing, hiking/backpacking.....alone. No kids, no friends, just the two of us, untill next Thurs... I hope the time alone helps.... I'll post when I get back// ~Carly~ Link to post Share on other sites
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