achtungbaby Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Hey everybody! I've been with my husband for 13 years; married 10. Not the first marriage for either of us. He's 55; I'm 51. We have no kids living with us. He is a wonderful man, treats me well, and says he's happy with me. I love him dearly. He hasn't has any interest in sex for 7 or 8 years. In the past few years, he's developed ED. He is diabetic, sometimes he takes care of himself; sometimes not. He's not interested in taking meds for the ED, and I respect that. I don't believe he's getting it anywhere else. He doesn't want to do MC or IC. I do IC (I have major depression.) I've tried a lot of expert advice, and nothing has helped. I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him anymore. I guess what I'm saying is, I've done all I can, and it's not going to change. I accept that, and it's not a deal-breaker. Still, it can feel pretty lonely. Other than this, we have a pretty good marriage, we get along really well, are close, I love him, and neither of us wants to leave. I don't want to have an affair or FWB. I mostly needed to vent, and I appreciate being able to here. If anyone can offer words of wisdom or advice, I'd love to hear it! Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 It seems he's not 'interested' in doing anything that might bring you pleasure. Just himself. He's the epitome of selfish. I understand that he's limited due to nerve damage from diabetes. But that doesn't give him the right to force a life of complete celibacy on YOU because he chooses not to do anything about it and chooses not to give a damn about your needs. There are other things you can do with him. Again, he's too damned selfish to give a crap about what you might need or want while occasionally choosing to please himself If you're ok with a life of forced celibacy due to his extreme selfishness and no other reason than that, I guess I'll say, more power to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 actungbaby, You say I guess what I'm saying is, I've done all I can, and it's not going to change. I accept that, and it's not a deal-breaker. So why are you here? If you have already decided to accept the status quo what is the issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author achtungbaby Posted May 7, 2016 Author Share Posted May 7, 2016 actungbaby, You say So why are you here? If you have already decided to accept the status quo what is the issue? I'm here because I'm looking for advice from other folks coping with this set of circumstances. How do you cope when you have an otherwise happy marriage, but no sex? Strategies? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 actungby, You say you have a happy marriage without sex. OK But this ; He is diabetic, sometimes he takes care of himself; sometimes not. Is something you should be concerned about. Diabetes self-care should not be dismissed - you need to address this problem ASAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Hi Achtungbaby, I'm in an sexless relationship as well and my partner has ED issues. The first year was hellish to cope with! Lots of insecurities on my part and anger towards him. This year I don't feel insecure or any anger, I won't go outside of the relationship either. Yes I admit in the first year I had tempting thoughts, I know those thoughts are just that-temptation. I won't dirty my soul hurting someone I love and I most definitely will not hurt an innocent spouse by any actions I feel tempted by. Lol you know what has really helped soothe me? Learning to crochet! Ok there are other things I have been doing and self reflecting has been a big journey for me. Vent and question away, I'm sure there are more thoughts out there that can help lots of people..? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Diabetes self-care should not be dismissed - you need to address this problem ASAP. I do not think he is self medicating his diabetes, I think the OP just means he masturbates ie he takes care of himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 does he give you affection and intimacy at all? i havent been in this situation and i do feel for you...i wish i knew exactly the right words to say.... maybe do you think he would be interested in trying to bring the intimacy and romance back into your relationship.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 You get a VB to play with and get you off. From the silver bullet to the rabbit. There are lots to play with and your husband could be part of that...which would keep you close to him. He could use them on you. Is that something he'd be up for? He could pleasure you with other body parts not just his tool. The question is .... does he want to? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 I am in a low (not not no) sex marriage. Although there have been periods of months with no sex, generally speaking its twice a month when the mood strikes my wife. Its been rough over the past 8 years, but its something at least. My heart goes out to you. I have said it before I think people have sex for two main reasons - 1)Their own needs/desires/wants/reasons 2) To please others Some people might have a mix of these two. Your husband is squarely in camp #1. Even with ED, even with health issues, sex can be done with hands, mouth, mind, toys, and more. As someone mentioned - I assume you could or can take care of yourself. Toys, erotica and other things may help you cope. I also hope you have things (other than sex) that you do for yourself - activities, outings, art, something that is your passion and brings some peace and joy outside of your marriage. I admire your love and loyalty for him. It would be so much easier for a woman/wife to get a FB and no strings sex with any number of men, but emotions and loyalty get in the way with many folks.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 I am 47 and can tell you now that if/when I develop ED, the wife will be getting plenty of sex from fingers, toys, to oral. There's a helluva lot more to sex and intimacy than my penis orgasming. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author achtungbaby Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 I do not think he is self medicating his diabetes, I think the OP just means he masturbates ie he takes care of himself. I meant that in regard to his diabetes. Sometimes he does what he's supposed to as far as taking care of himself; sometimes not. He claims not to masturbate, and I believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author achtungbaby Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 Hi Achtungbaby, I'm in an sexless relationship as well and my partner has ED issues. The first year was hellish to cope with! Lots of insecurities on my part and anger towards him. This year I don't feel insecure or any anger, I won't go outside of the relationship either. Yes I admit in the first year I had tempting thoughts, I know those thoughts are just that-temptation. I won't dirty my soul hurting someone I love and I most definitely will not hurt an innocent spouse by any actions I feel tempted by. Lol you know what has really helped soothe me? Learning to crochet! Ok there are other things I have been doing and self reflecting has been a big journey for me. Vent and question away, I'm sure there are more thoughts out there that can help lots of people..? I've been learning to crochet too LOL! I don't feel any anger, but I do feel like I'm missing out on something important! Link to post Share on other sites
Author achtungbaby Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 does he give you affection and intimacy at all? i havent been in this situation and i do feel for you...i wish i knew exactly the right words to say.... maybe do you think he would be interested in trying to bring the intimacy and romance back into your relationship.....deb Yes, he does. He's a terrific husband/partner/friend, and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 I meant that in regard to his diabetes. Sometimes he does what he's supposed to as far as taking care of himself; sometimes not. He claims not to masturbate, and I believe him. OK so he is not taking his diabetes seriously, that IS dangerous and can lead to serious complications. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author achtungbaby Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Just being able to talk about this helps A LOT. It seems like so many folks are in sexless marriages, and it's more common than I thought. So far, I've been able to take care of myself sexually, and it's enough. I haven't asked him if he'd be willing to play with toys or do other things because he seems to have zero interest in anything sexual. Honestly, I'd rather go without than have someone who's just going through the motions (no pun intended!) In thinking about this, I've also realized I'm really not attracted to him anymore. I also live with major depression. I am treated for it, and I do everything I can to help myself. It's been particularly bad in the past year. I realize this colors my thinking and perception about a lot of things. That's why it's so helpful to have unbiased people to talk to. He has a doctor's appointment later this month, and he said he would address the issue. The fact that he's willing to do that means a lot, and it's a start. For me, I guess it comes down to weighing the positives vs. the negatives about the relationship. Other than this, we have a pretty good life together. He really is the finest person I've ever known, he treats me well, and we truly love each other. The lack of sex isn't something I need to leave the marriage over. I'm fortunate, and I know there are lots of people in far worse relationships with far worse problems. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime, I'll just keep doing what I can for myself. I'm trying to connect more with friends and do some fun stuff for myself. Hope you all have a wonderful week! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 achtungbaby, I meant that in regard to his diabetes. Sometimes he does what he's supposed to as far as taking care of himself; sometimes not. I thought that was what you meant. This is, as I said before, is an area for serious concern. Forget the sex issue for the moment. You need to have a serious talk with about his Diabetes. If he refuses to engage with his condition then he is only storing up problems for himself. Is he is seeing the Diabetic Specialist Nurse regularly for check-ups? And just for interest is he a Type 1 or Type 2 If he doesn't care about something so serious as his own health then I wonder if he is depressed? Communication is the key here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 He has a doctor's appointment later this month, and he said he would address the issue. The fact that he's willing to do that means a lot, and it's a start. Typically if one hormone is out of whack there are also others that are likely too low or too high. You might want to bring him to an endocrinologist to have a thorough hormonal check up. He may be low on thyroid and other hormones. Supplementation will likely help him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 I have a hard time reconciling this: Honestly, I'd rather go without than have someone who's just going through the motions (no pun intended!) with this: Other than this, we have a pretty good life together. He really is the finest person I've ever known, he treats me well, and we truly love each other. If he truly loved you and had a sense it was important to you, wouldn't he want to meet you in the middle somewhere ??? Is it possible that aspects of your depression have kept you from communicating how strongly you feel about this? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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