ZHguy Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 (edited) This afternoon, a guy sat next to me on the bus, arm's shortly touching. I was attracted to him, and so when he and his girlfriend moved to the seats to my front which had just became vacant. I almost felt uneasy. I have never had love, or have never had someone want me. There's an absence of love and worth in my life: social and love life. This has made me so apathetic, that it's put me in a bizarre and alien place. I have moved on from self-hatred to self-love (attempt 439...), but I'm still stuck in the mud between the two. It becomes harder when the person I want - by that I mean any beautiful, happy, fit, great guy you spot on the street - is the person I want to be. In a man, I look for either a friend, a boyfriend, a best friend or just sex. Whichever one, separately or together, like they don't want to be with me. I've had this problem - increasingly so in the past two-three years - where a wave of anxiety hits me badly when I'm in the places. You know, like the ice cream parlor, the diner: where you'd never really be there alone, but everyone else is their, laughing, talking with people that mean something to them. Increasingly, I've been trying to avoid those places, or just areas in public. I couldn't handle it. Even thinking about it now. Anyways, being bi just makes it worse. Especially when I'm questioning my own sexuality. I hate being this way. It makes makes me very frustrated Apathetic and alien, I feel like a twenty year old in the eleventh grade: I've been here far too long. Edited May 7, 2016 by ZHguy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 You'll find your niche. But you can't do it by avoiding going out. You might have to do what I did and move cities to find your crowd. At your age, I really don't know anyone who wasn't confused about sexuality and feeling alone. Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 20 years old is no age. It is the prime time of your life (I think Daft Punk made a song named that). I'm 41. My whole life is THE biggest mess it's ever been in. AND... ...It still goes on. Disaster is always engaging. You'll realise in 20 years, after a fair few loves and sexual partners... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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