On the verge of separating

[Stuartrmc]

My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years ( I'm 27).

 

I work a 40hr week and when I come home she still expects me to cook, clean, drive her around, do the washing. When I try and go out to do my own thing. She makes me feel really bad. So I only get to do my own thing once I drop her off "as long as I'm back to pick her up".

 

We have tried MC and it seems to ease up for 1 month but reverts back to the old way. We are now arguing every day. And I am physically and emotionally shattered.

 

Advice please

[CarrieT]

Was she like this before you got married? Who did the cooking and cleaning and driving then?

[Marc878]

Why would you stay in this?

[Stuartrmc]

We both cooked when we started dating, but soon after we got married, she decided that she couldn't cook. And it some how escalated from that.

 

I'm still in the marriage because I love her, but not sure how much more I can take

[Sickofmymarriage]

Maybe a divorce would open her eyes. Marriage is an equal partnership.

[sandylee1]

Talk to her and tell her that you've noticed a pattern of improvement.. then reversion and you aren't happy with how things are. Let her know that as a result of this you are seriously considering the future of the marriage.... she has to know that divorce is very much in your mind if the change is not sustained.

 

Can't she drive?

If not why can't she learn?

 

Also communicate how you don't like the way she tries to make you feel bad for going out.

 

You want to know that you did everything possible and that you were VERY CLEAR to her what the likely outcome would be if things didn't change. You don't want her to claim it was out of the blue.

 

If you feel you'll get interrupted with talking ... then write her a letter and discuss after she's read it.

 

Exactly why did she decide to stop cooking and why didn't you put a stop to it ?

 

Does she work at all? I wasn't sure if she's a housewife ,? Any kids?

[Stuartrmc]

She doesn't drive and won't learn because of a bad experience 14 years ago. She works full time and when she comes home she just has a bath, while I am left to do everything.

 

When I bring it up she just keeps on saying that I am being totally unreasonable and that she should have to do stuff round the house. ( because her parents had a cleaner) and I refuse to pay someone todo it.

[AMarriedMan]

She doesn't drive and won't learn because of a bad experience 14 years ago. She works full time and when she comes home she just has a bath, while I am left to do everything.

 

When I bring it up she just keeps on saying that I am being totally unreasonable and that she should have to do stuff round the house. ( because her parents had a cleaner) and I refuse to pay someone todo it.

 

Ah, entitlement. Your experience with MC seems to indicate that she isn't motivated do any better. You say you are staying in the marriage because you love her. You have also tried MC together and failed. This situation will eventually kill your love for her. Thinking about how bad it is and hearing other people reinforce the notion how bad it is will speed up the process. Your wife never learned to do housework in her birth home. That can be learned but she'd have to be motivated which she is not.

 

Do you have kids? I hope not.

 

Do you have sex with your wife? If yes, stop.

[Stuartrmc]

We do not have kids yet. But she is being up the subject of kids most nights. And we do have sex but not often ( purely because I'm so tired from doing the house work).

[basil67]

I too, have to wonder why you're still with her. Sounds like she's done an epic 'bait and switch' on you.

 

I suggest you eat before you come home and let the house get dirty for a bit. If she needs to be taken somewhere, tell her that from now on, you will only go if she's in the driver's seat learning how to drive. Otherwise, she can stay home.

 

In short, your wife needs to suffer consequences for her behaviour before she will change. If she changes and then regresses, then consequences need to start again immediately.

Edited May 8, 2016 by basil67

[Stuartrmc]

I haven't left her because I don't want to be that guy who married at 24 and divorced by 28.

 

Also I'm worried about the whole process as it looks like I need to be separated for 2 years before I can file

[elaine567]

Both of you are resentful over the cleaning.

YOU both work full time so get a cleaner, problem solved.

 

Separation or a cleaner - YOUR choice

[Stuartrmc]

It's not that simple.. Getting a clear we would just paper over the cracks. It's the fact she is expecting me to do everything

[elaine567]

It's not that simple.. Getting a clear we would just paper over the cracks. It's the fact she is expecting me to do everything

 

But the cleaner will take some of the resentment away.

[gemini6]

It sounds as if the resentment is already setting in - not that I blame you but just know that nothing kills a relationship faster than resentment. I have to agree with another poster - get a cleaner, and then start enjoying your time together

[achtungbaby]

I don't have any great advice for you, but I will say this: DO NOT have any children while things are like this. That's not going to help anything, and it would just be more lives affected.

 

 

I was married at 23; divorced at 27. I was like you-I didn't want to be "that person" divorced in their twenties. Then I realized that the bigger tragedy would be wasting precious years of my life on something that flat out wasn't going to work. You still love her, so by all means, keep trying if that's what you want to do. If it comes to the point where things end, you can go with a clear conscience knowing you did all you could to make it work. It does sound, though, that she pulled the old bait-and-switch trick.

 

 

Wishing you the best!

[Keats]

Having a cleaner won't solve anything.

 

The house will be cleaned.

 

She'll be happy that her lifestyle level is as expected.

 

But you won't be because you' already feel neglected.

 

The trust is already breached. If she can treat you like this now. And not feel any guilt or chnage at all or pull her weight.

 

What will she do when you are struggling with illness or other trials?

 

She simply doesn't have your back.

[elaine567]

When I bring it up she just keeps on saying that I am being totally unreasonable and that she should have to do stuff round the house. ( because her parents had a cleaner) and I refuse to pay someone to do it.

 

YOU either listen and get a cleaner or you don't, but that is now on you.

REFUSAL is a big word and I guess your wife resents it.

Life is about compromise, if you get a cleaner and she still will not bend then you have your answer, but holding out on her to the detriment of your own life (as you are now the cleaner) makes no sense.

[Stuartrmc]

It's the principle. She is being spoiled, her dad works in Dubai as a architect and earns very high 6 figures.

 

I would in the coop on a hourly rate and a cleaner is a luxury we can't afford at the monent

[GorillaTheater]

I work a 40hr week and when I come home she still expects me to cook, clean, drive her around, do the washing. When I try and go out to do my own thing. She makes me feel really bad. So I only get to do my own thing once I drop her off "as long as I'm back to pick her up".

 

 

Just laugh, walk away, and do your own thing (within reason). There's no need for all the angst: your reaction is purely your choice.

[loveboid]

If it's causing resentment and damaging your relationship, maybe a cleaner isn't something you can't afford to have...maybe it's something you have to have.

[AMarriedMan]

Both of you are resentful over the cleaning.

YOU both work full time so get a cleaner, problem solved.

 

Separation or a cleaner - YOUR choice

 

Didn't you read the original post? Not only is OP's wife expecting him to clean but cook, always be on call to drive her around, do the washing and all other housework. She has no tolerance for OP doing anything of his own according his own schedule. Would you suggest they also hire people do all the rest of the housework, too? What about when they have kids? What if OP's wife refuses to do childcare, too? Then OP would have to do that, too, in addition to putting in 40 hours of work a week. Or are you suggesting that they should hire full-time nannies, too?

 

OP is fortunate in his tyrant of a wife showing her true colors now instead of ten years down the line when there might small children involved. He needs to get this harmful notion of there being something bad about a guy who got married and divorced in his twenties. It will be MUCH worse several years later.

Edited May 8, 2016 by AMarriedMan

[AMarriedMan]

I haven't left her because I don't want to be that guy who married at 24 and divorced by 28.

 

Your wife has stupidly shown her true colors prematurely. Now you are in a much better position to choose your future than you would be a decade down the road. Because you don't have kids yet, you can make a clean break.

 

I realize that after you've publicly taken the marriage vows it feels hard to seriously consider divorce after only four years. But there is no more shame in ending a four-year marriage than a longer marriage. You are being treated like a doormat. You don't even have kids yet. You are not going to have to pay any child support or probably not even alimony. You are so young that you don't have much of a differential to lose in terms of contribution to community property. (The only reason you should wait now would be if her high-six-figure-earning-architect-working-in-Dubai of a father had terminal cancer. After his death, provided his will did not exclude his children's spouses' right to community property, I would accept a share of the community property my conscience and I would agree on as compensation for emotional suffering caused by your wife in the marriage.)

 

You have nothing to lose and your future freedom and sanity to gain if you divorce this woman who treats you like garbage at this stage already. Abuse tends to get worse in time.

 

Also I'm worried about the whole process as it looks like I need to be separated for 2 years before I can file

 

What are you worried about? That she or her family might be able to get you to cave in? Put some distance between you and them if need be.

 

Take care.

[AMarriedMan]

YOU either listen and get a cleaner or you don't, but that is now on you.

REFUSAL is a big word and I guess your wife resents it.

Life is about compromise, if you get a cleaner and she still will not bend then you have your answer, but holding out on her to the detriment of your own life (as you are now the cleaner) makes no sense.

 

OP's wife REFUSES to pull her weight in maintaining the household. She also REFUSES to let OP do his own thing after work unless she wants to be somewhere else and even then OP has to pick her up exactly when it suits HER with no concern for OP's schedule.

 

(OP did mention after elaine567's post that they cannot afford a cleaner (let alone the rest of the staff needed to do the housework OP's wife refuses to participate in). But that should have been clear from the context. If OP and his wife were high-earning enough to afford all these servants, it would hardly have been an issue for OP.)

[loveboid]

Because you don't have kids yet, you can make a clean break.

 

You are not going to have to pay any child support or probably not even alimony.

 

Take care.

 

I agree, alimony is dangerous. The longer the marriage, the longer and higher the alimony. In some states alimony can be lifetime even after only ten years of marriage.

 

If you're going to leave I would leave sooner than later.