When he leaves his spouse

[Crackers115]

I posted on here a couple of months ago about my MM going cold on me. I just wanted to update.

The coldness only lasted 4 days and he finally talked to me and what was going on. He told me that he was tired of hiding and sneaking around and that it was just getting to him. I have been telling him that for months that I wanted and needed more.

Anyway he went and filed his papers and his W got served about a couple of weeks ago. Now it's just waiting to go through the court system.

I don't know really how to feel about it? I'm still hesitate about the whole situation?

My question is there anybody here that has been thought this and how did it turn out?

[whichwayisup]

He has moved out yet? Do you have actual proof that he filed and sent her D papers? Or is this just him telling you he has.

 

Has he done this for you or for himself?

 

If what he tells you is true, please don't let him move in directly with you. Right now you two have an affair dynamic going on and he will need time alone, to grieve the loss of the life he once had with his wife (and kids if they have any), get used to all the changes and deal with children and helping them adjust etc. Also you two need to 'rid' of the affair dynamic.

 

Date him, no sex. Get to know him in the right way. If he loves you, he'll do this properly and not just move in and start a new life with you.

[SomethingToSay]

She probably kicked him out. Guess you are Plan B? Or this is just Round 2 of the back and forth. Or maybe he is now yours for good, in which case ...yay, I guess

[MidnightBlue1980]

I posted on here a couple of months ago about my MM going cold on me. I just wanted to update.

The coldness only lasted 4 days and he finally talked to me and what was going on. He told me that he was tired of hiding and sneaking around and that it was just getting to him. I have been telling him that for months that I wanted and needed more.

Anyway he went and filed his papers and his W got served about a couple of weeks ago. Now it's just waiting to go through the court system.

I don't know really how to feel about it? I'm still hesitate about the whole situation?

My question is there anybody here that has been thought this and how did it turn out?

 

Yes. He moved out for 6 months and served her. I waited 2.5 additional years for it to be final and out in the open until I finally moved on. That was 10 years ago. I just them on FB - very married. Trust nothing unless you hear it from her mouth.

[Lady Hamilton]

Mine left then went back a few times before leaving, filing the next year, having the divorce come through a few later. We are still together and very happy. It was a long road to get here and it wasn't easy, glamorous, or even fun at times. It's the hardest thing we've ever done.

[bewell]

I posted on here a couple of months ago about my MM going cold on me. I just wanted to update.

The coldness only lasted 4 days and he finally talked to me and what was going on. He told me that he was tired of hiding and sneaking around and that it was just getting to him. I have been telling him that for months that I wanted and needed more.

Anyway he went and filed his papers and his W got served about a couple of weeks ago. Now it's just waiting to go through the court system.

I don't know really how to feel about it? I'm still hesitate about the whole situation?

My question is there anybody here that has been thought this and how did it turn out?

 

Be careful. Make sure he isn't just talking his way into you. Ask for evidence and check online. If it's true, take your time with this man. Don't rush. He has a lot of adjustments to make before his head is straight again.

 

Mine left then went back a few times before leaving, filing the next year, having the divorce come through a few later. We are still together and very happy. It was a long road to get here and it wasn't easy, glamorous, or even fun at times. It's the hardest thing we've ever done.

 

You are one of the rare ones out there. Glad it worked out.

[Arieswoman]

Crackers115,

 

From the other side ......

 

My exH was apparently talking to his AP about leaving me 5 months into the affair but did nothing about it.

We had no kids and I earned more than he did, so there was no reason for him to stay unless he wanted to.

 

After another 2 months I found out and threw him out, so she ended up with my cast-offs.

 

Is this what you really want for yourself, someone else's rejects?

[Ruffian1]

"I don't know really how to feel about it? I'm still hesitate about the whole situation? "

 

 

This is what you wanted. You told him you needed more and you got it.

What's wrong with you? Why hesitate? He will be all yours soon, isn't this what you two wanted and planned for?

 

 

You should be doing your Happy Dance.

 

 

You won girl.

 

 

Now go be happy.

 

 

Of course it will be a big adjustment for him but you two knew that before he filed, right?

[lemondrop21]

Mine left then went back a few times before leaving, filing the next year, having the divorce come through a few later. We are still together and very happy. It was a long road to get here and it wasn't easy, glamorous, or even fun at times. It's the hardest thing we've ever done.

So he yo-yo'd between you and his wife if I'm reading this correctly? Just curious, how did that impact the start of your marriage later on? My goodness, if someone did that to me I think I would just be done. I'm not sure how I could trust it to ever be what they really wanted.

[Lady Hamilton]

So he yo-yo'd between you and his wife if I'm reading this correctly? Just curious, how did that impact the start of your marriage later on? My goodness, if someone did that to me I think I would just be done. I'm not sure how I could trust it to ever be what they really wanted.

 

It did impact things for us that did take time to recover from on an intimacy level. By the time he left and stayed gone, he had made the choice to stay, but I didn't trust he was actually going to stay until later. During that window, I put him through the ringer.

 

Now though, it never comes up. To be frank, if he wasn't in this with both feet at this point then he could have and would have left awhile ago. We've been through life events that many couples don't survive and come out better.

 

His bouncing back-and-forth was complicated... There was no doubt that he wanted to be with me, even his wife admitted it. Between his religious guilt, family pressure, the behavior of his wife, guilt over the kids, a few other factors, he'd go back out of obligation and guilt, but the affair wouldn't stop. He'd try half-heartedly for a few days, the longest I think was two weeks, but then we were together again.

 

It's like anything else, it's hard to show the context without being there. I never doubted he wanted to be with me, I just doubted he had it in him to be gone and stay gone in the middle of all the outside factors.

[Gemlove]

I'm sort of in the same point right now (you can read my post on it). We've never gone no contact, but I did give him my deadline for waiting and he moved out of his marital home at the very last day of it. We are a little over a week in, so only time will tell - just taking it one day at a time.

 

The folks here give some really great advice - some of it is tough love, but we need that so we can keep our heads in reality.

[Crackers115]

She probably kicked him out. Guess you are Plan B? Or this is just Round 2 of the back and forth. Or maybe he is now yours for good, in which case ...yay, I guess

 

She didn't kick him out in fact she told him go be with her. I know that's what you really I can see it in your eyes and I can sense it. She told him that we don't have to get divorce but you can go and be with her.

He hasn't moved out yet because he is doing stuff around his house like cleaning out and fixing stuff to get ready to sell. Honestly I don't know how he or she can still be in the same house.

He tells me it's so hard to be at his house that he is barely at home and just spends his time riding or sitting in his car.

He understands that he can not move in with me for a while. I told him that takes time and it's the only way I can do this.

[whichwayisup]

She didn't kick him out in fact she told him go be with her. I know that's what you really I can see it in your eyes and I can sense it. She told him that we don't have to get divorce but you can go and be with her.

He hasn't moved out yet because he is doing stuff around his house like cleaning out and fixing stuff to get ready to sell. Honestly I don't know how he or she can still be in the same house.

He tells me it's so hard to be at his house that he is barely at home and just spends his time riding or sitting in his car.

He understands that he can not move in with me for a while. I told him that takes time and it's the only way I can do this.

 

Do you believe what he's told you? When a woman tells her husband to GO be with the OW and he doesn't move out, that says something, doesn't it? He has chosen to still live at home.

 

You never answered, do they have children?

[Lady Hamilton]

She didn't kick him out in fact she told him go be with her. I know that's what you really I can see it in your eyes and I can sense it. She told him that we don't have to get divorce but you can go and be with her.

He hasn't moved out yet because he is doing stuff around his house like cleaning out and fixing stuff to get ready to sell. Honestly I don't know how he or she can still be in the same house.

He tells me it's so hard to be at his house that he is barely at home and just spends his time riding or sitting in his car.

He understands that he can not move in with me for a while. I told him that takes time and it's the only way I can do this.

 

Honestly, my husband tried the "separated but in the same house" thing and it didn't work all that well. It was a meaningless change in status that neither gave him the ability to see/be with me, nor did it really seem like he was serious about the divorce he said he wanted. Plus, his wife saw it as a means to attempt reconciliation which only confused things more. When he did go to leave, it was like they'd never talked about it before. She was a mess, it was a mess.

 

In my experience, which granted isn't that much, it seemed like a stall tactic and not a serious relationship move that either ends one or "legitimizes" the other.

[ShatteredLady]

Children make the situation a LOT more complicated. You need to answer that question.

 

Our final d-day was very dragged out. Eventually I told my H to go be with her. Be happy! Apparently we (me & little kids) were just a burden that made him miserable.

 

The moment I said it he completely changed his tune! He was a "screwed-up looser who didn't know what he was doing! He couldn't loose me. He was going to kill himself!"

 

He continued talking to her though. He continued lying for a couple of weeks I think before he finally sent her a NC letter. I never asked him to stay, never asked for NC. Handing him his freedom burst the bubble & he started voicing his regret & "insanity" for ever getting involved with OW.

 

Ugh!!! The mind of the cheating MM is something I still really struggle to comprehend. We're all very different people but reading here I've learnt that there are some crazy similarities between the way MM act.

 

Maybe yours is different. We can't know. You can't know, not for sure. Please protect your heart the best you can.

 

Filing for divorce is generally seen as the end. You know?!? Problem is, even if he has filed there are many, many steps between seeing a lawyer & actually being single & ready to move on. Be careful.

[ladyluck777]

So he yo-yo'd between you and his wife if I'm reading this correctly? Just curious, how did that impact the start of your marriage later on? My goodness, if someone did that to me I think I would just be done. I'm not sure how I could trust it to ever be what they really wanted.

I know this is not an answer to the OPs question but I saw this post and wanted to comment.

I wouldn't have an affair with a MM that I was planning a future with. If he ever left his wife, the trust issues would ruin the relationship before it ever started. I didn't realize this when I was much younger but I do now.

[Crackers115]

Do you believe what he's told you? When a woman tells her husband to GO be with the OW and he doesn't move out, that says something, doesn't it? He has chosen to still live at home.

 

You never answered, do they have children?

 

His children are grown and don't live at home. I have children that live with me. I do believe what he is telling me about the divorce.

I have seen and read a few letters that were written to him and they talked about him divorcing

[ladyluck777]

She didn't kick him out in fact she told him go be with her. I know that's what you really I can see it in your eyes and I can sense it. She told him that we don't have to get divorce but you can go and be with her.

He hasn't moved out yet because he is doing stuff around his house like cleaning out and fixing stuff to get ready to sell. Honestly I don't know how he or she can still be in the same house.

He tells me it's so hard to be at his house that he is barely at home and just spends his time riding or sitting in his car.

He understands that he can not move in with me for a while. I told him that takes time and it's the only way I can do this.

 

When you say, "waiting to go through the court system", what does that mean where you are? Is it a situation where he has to sell the house in order to afford his own place? If so, hopefully the house sells quickly.

 

I wouldn't want him to be staying there. Since their marriage is pretty much over, I assume he is spending a lot of time with you now? Since she is aware and has told him to go for it, and the papers have been filed?

[ladyluck777]

His children are grown and don't live at home. I have children that live with me. I do believe what he is telling me about the divorce.

I have seen and read a few letters that were written to him and they talked about him divorcing

 

If you ever do have doubts, he will have a copy of his separation agreement, also, the day it was signed by both of them, the attorneys would have sent it to the court for filing. That whole process would have taken less than a week. You can go online and search out the case by name. If your county doesn't have online records, you can go to the courthouse and tell them you need to research divorce records, they will let you have access to a computer or a room.

 

Just letting you know in case you ever do have doubts

[elaine567]

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,~

Wrong thread

[Lady Hamilton]

I know this is not an answer to the OPs question but I saw this post and wanted to comment.

I wouldn't have an affair with a MM that I was planning a future with. If he ever left his wife, the trust issues would ruin the relationship before it ever started. I didn't realize this when I was much younger but I do now.

 

Well, since it was a question about my situation, I can say that we don't and didn't have trust issues about being faithful to each other, though I did have issues trusting he wouldn't leave again that lasted for awhile. Those issues have since resolved.

[Crackers115]

When you say, "waiting to go through the court system", what does that mean where you are? Is it a situation where he has to sell the house in order to afford his own place? If so, hopefully the house sells quickly.

 

I wouldn't want him to be staying there. Since their marriage is pretty much over, I assume he is spending a lot of time with you now? Since she is aware and has told him to go for it, and the papers have been filed?

 

The way the court system is here is that you go file for divorce and you have to state the last time you had sex with your spouse and they consider that date as your separation. There is no separation papers that you file separately. Once you file it takes 3 weeks for the other to be served. Once the other person is served they have up to 3 weeks to respond. Once that has been done they set up for both parties to go in front of a mediator to help divide up your assists. Once that is done and filed then a few weeks later you will get your decree. It could take a while if both fight over assets and can't be resolved in mediation. If that doesn't happen then you both have to in front of a judge and then they resolve it for both parties. As of right now they are agreeing on things but I know that can change at any time. He doesn't have a lawyer now because of the cost.

Yes he is spending so much more time with like everyday but both of us have agreed to take everything slowly until his divorce is official.

He does have to sell his house first in order to afford a place on his own as he has discussed this with me.

Edited May 8, 2016 by Crackers115
Paragraphing

[cocorico]

I posted on here a couple of months ago about my MM going cold on me. I just wanted to update.

The coldness only lasted 4 days and he finally talked to me and what was going on. He told me that he was tired of hiding and sneaking around and that it was just getting to him. I have been telling him that for months that I wanted and needed more.

Anyway he went and filed his papers and his W got served about a couple of weeks ago. Now it's just waiting to go through the court system.

I don't know really how to feel about it? I'm still hesitate about the whole situation?

My question is there anybody here that has been thought this and how did it turn out?

 

If you're asking whether there are any fOW here whose fMM left the fBW, there are several. Some have landed up together - search for threads of Got It, goodyblue, GreenEyedLady, Anna-Belle, for example. Others have decided they weren't interested, and are now happily apart from their fMM.

 

If you're asking about experience of the A,erican system in particular, I can't help with that. My H (fMM) is from the UK, and I'm from elsewhere, so our experience was different.

 

One thing that does stand out for me though is the issue of trust. Some of us have never had issues with that, as our fMM were always open and honest with us, and so we did not have issues of trust to overcome. Others have had MM who were less honest with them, and that has been a challenge going forward once the fMM left the BW. If this is an issue in your R, it is something you will need to address as a R without trust is difficult to sustain.