How should she cope?

[lericenciel]

in 2012-2013 I was abroad, met a girl and we fell in love. I was really innocent at that time with no secrets and 2 great long term relationships that ended as friends.

 

Shortly after we moved in together and we began arguing every day. I liked her so much but I didn't understand why she lied so much about her past. She was very much a controlling GF which I was OK with, but at the same time she lied to me a lot. She would tell me different accounts of the same stories. Sometimes she would tell me a story about her friends and later I would find out that in fact, it's about her. Other times after an argument she would go to sleep next to me, cuddling a teddy her ex gave her. I was so confused because we seemed to be so into each other but her lies baffled and hurt me. I became really paranoid. She would never explain herself when confronted and would just tell me to forget about it. Without a solution and in that kind of pressure cooker environment, we argued constantly about the lies. As I continued to love her more, our love was mixed with a lot of craziness.

 

As I was abroad I only had a few friends. They were sick of hearing about my relationship issue. In the end I was so hurt I decided to confide in an Ex. I felt embarrassed and shameful to contact my Ex to talk about my current Gf because it's quite demeaning for her. I told her about my current GF and all the problems we had and she consoled me. I decided to lie to my GF about it because I wanted a secret to myself. It was my childish way to make things even.

 

After about 6 months I returned back to my country, and after a few more months of LD arguing we broke up. Since that time I dated a lot more and matured. Now in late 2015- she contacted me again. She apologized and said she had a lot of unresolved things she couldn't let go of 3 years ago, and she couldn't face it when asked. She said sorry for all the problems caused and vowed to change. We agreed to let the past be the past, and to move with a fresh start. We've been together since.

 

2 weeks ago she came to spend time with me. It was great. One day after work, I came home and she had looked through my USB and found a phone backup with messages between me and my Ex, dated 3 years ago when we were living together. I told her finally that I met up with my EX because I was desperate and unhappy living with a GF that lied to me all the time. I told her that I never cheated on her and I liked having that secret. I told her that 3 years ago was an effed up situation for us both and that we should just forget about that whole situation. I moved on from that time, and so should she.

 

We talked about it in depth, She obviously feels hurt and cheated, but frankly I was tired of talking about it. Something that happened so long ago in a messed up situation. After a few discussions I told her yesterday that if she keeps bringing this up it means she isn't processing this. After a day of NC she sent me this message on Whatsapp :

 

"I know you think I ask too much about the same thing, but you don't know how I feel after I read your messages with your Ex. It's not a big deal as you said. It's a long time ago, but I got hurt and you don't seem to care. You don't care how I feel and you have no idea how my image of you has changed. I can just move on but I don't want to think about you this way. What's why I said more, but you just want to move on because you got hurt before so you don't think you have to care about me anymore, I understand. If I talk more about it I know I have to end it with you, or you want to leave me or you want to meet another girl. What do you want? Or tell me how can I treatment myself?"

 

Honestly, I can't take her seriously at this point. I moved on from the ****storm of lies that she gave me. Whereas she can't seem to process one single issue. What should I reply?

[ExpatInItaly]

I really can't make much sense of her What's App message, to be honest.

 

There's not much you can do, particularly if you feel you can't take her seriously. I don't see much hope of a future together if you're over it, know what I mean? I have a feeling she won't be able to move past this. She was already looking for something, by digging through your USB.

 

What do you want to do? Do you want to continue the relationship or not? It doesn't sound very healthy.

Edited May 8, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[TaraMaiden2]

You don't trust/believe her, she doesn't trust/believe you.

 

There's probably no getting past this, and frankly, it would take years to do so.

[pidgeon1010]

From her whatsapp message, it seems she wants to keep bringing it up any time she wants to until she has sufficiently gotten over it and is satisfied with your acknowledgement of how she feels hurt. Who knows when that will be. She is not ready to let bygones be bygones whereas you've moved on somewhat although it seems you're still harboring some ill feelings about all the lies she told so you think she should be able to let your one indiscretion go- it's almost like you're keeping a scorecard. I don't see how this relationship can move forward. You're in a stalemate and the "ghost of relationship past" is haunting it currently. For second chances to work, both people have to truly let go after discussing issues in the past relationship and figuring out what went wrong, how you hurt each other, etc. She is unwilling to do so. You two have reached an impasse.