with Jealousy/Trust issues ?

[wilson1]

I used to be a really confident guy. But over a year ago, I was cheated on by a GF i deeply trusted. I broke up immediately, but i was devastated by it, and since then i have a really hard time fully trusting someone new.

 

I started seeing a girl a couple weeks ago. She seemed to have everything i like in a girl and everything was perfect. We spent every single day together since i met her. We both seemed to have butterflies for each other. We even travelled together (i know, its crazy to travel together when you just meet someone) and it worked perfectly. And even if we have known each other for so little i was thinking she might be worth having something serious with. Until a week into the trip we arrived at a friend's place and stayed there for the night. My friend lives in a different city and i haven't seen him for a long time.

Unfortunately for myself i am very good at reading people. I'm pretty accurate at reading body language and I ussually can tell when a girl is interested in me or in a friend in a club, or if she is not interested at all, and i notice before my friends even do.

The problem is this time i felt she was interested in my friend. I have no "solid proof" and she denies it of course. But then my PTSD from my past relationship kicked in and i completely shut down. The past couple days have been sh*t for me. All the anxiety related to cheating came back to me and i pushed her away. And i don't know what i should do now.

 

The indicators that i have that she was attracted to my friend are very little to have any evidence but they were there. After we met my friend she was saying how much she liked him, and at one point she threw a joke about a threesome (since my friend lives in a duplex with no doors so there is no privacy for us to have sex on our own). From that comment on i freaked out and everything went in a down spiral. We stayed only one night and the next day we moved to a hotel (which honestly was relieving for me). The next night we all met in the street and walked to a club (me, my girl, and a bunch of friends including the one we stayed with the night before). When we all got together i introduced her to all of my friends, but instead of staying with me, she immediately she walked towards the friend from the night before, and walked next to him the whole way to the club, having their own private conversation a few meters ahead of the rest. Which is strange because she usually walks next to me holding my hand, pretty much all the time. At some point i forced myself in the middle of their conversation and held her hand, since she wasn't even looking back at me.

When we were in the club we were having drinks and my friends were all scattered around the place. Her and i went to the bar to get a drink and she kept asking "hey do you want to go look for John? (let's call my friend John). I told her no that i was fine with her. But she repeated that at least 4 times along the night. Now she says she only did this because i havent seen my friend in a long time and was doing me a favor. However she never said anything about looking for the rest of my friends, only about john.

The next day we had a sunny day and went to the river. It was beatiful just her and me. But then she started again with the whole "Hey do you want to see John today?". I told her i would see him the next week after she was gone. But she asked again several times in the day. At some point i asked what she thinks of him and she started saying how secure and confident he seems in himself. At this point i just completely exploded and pushed her away. All the feelings and anxiety came back to me and i started having palpitations, reminding me of the time i was cheated.

 

I asked her directly if she is attracted to him. She, of course, says no. But even if it was true she would never accept it. She says she only insisted in seeing him because i havent seen him for a long time. So she was doing it for me, not for her. That is not what my gut feeling tells me. She says she walked infront of me with John so she could give me some private time to talk to the others. I felt exactly the opposite.

 

I would rather have her tell me she finds him attractive but at least be honest. But of course she would never do that even if it was true.

 

Today i dropped her on the bus to the airport. She says she wants something serious with me. We live in different cities and i don't know if i could do a long distance relationship.

 

Other than that she was always extremely loving and affectionate with me, and she has the most beautiful smile ever, we have amazing sex, she says she wants something serious. I don't know what to do. How do i know if everything that happened is just in my mind? How do i know if my gut feeling is right or wrong? What to do?

Edited May 8, 2016 by wilson1

[smackie9]

It's pretty obvious she isn't really acting like a girl that is falling in love with you....damn rights she is into your friend. The talk about a threesome, her wanting to talk to him all the time, asking to hang out with him, to go looking for him. If she wasn't she would be right by your side the whole time enjoying your company. Her going off to have private convos with him was inappropriate.

 

BTW her being all affectionate with you afterwards is a smokescreen.

 

You want clarification, go ask your friend what he thinks or the others that were there.

Edited May 8, 2016 by smackie9

[Space Ritual]

Wilson,

 

So sorry you are here asking this.

 

It struck a nerve with me because this situation has happened to me before

 

If in deed everything went down the ways you say it did, then I would have to say it is perfectly obvious your new GF is pretty interested in "John".

 

All that asking about him would make anyone's insecurities kick in. To have it blatantly thrown in your face, and with an off handed comment about a threesome to go with it, I think we both know your new relationship is probably best severed before it goes any farther. When you come to the realization that someone who you like is looking for the next better thing to come along at your expense, it stings like nothing else.

 

Sorry it happened to you. I extricated myself out of the situation as soon as I could without as much as an explanation. I suggest you do too. She'll figure it out in her own.

[smackie9]

Just reading through your post again.... She moves fast, she bombs you with talk of the future, amazing sex, says what you want to hear and all this within 2 weeks....she's a player.

 

Plus it's only two weeks, that's not even anywhere near to get someone to be committed to you. She's already sniffin around your friend.

 

Dude, if it's too good to be true, it is.

[ExpatInItaly]

Actually, I don't think this is all in your head. She does seem a bit too interested in your friend and I'm normally the first to point out undue paranoia. But I see the red flags in her behaviour too.

 

You two are moving way too fast. You barely know her. You can't say what she "usually" does or doesn't do, because you really have no idea who she is yet. You're learning about her now.

 

Sorry, but I think I would let her go. She isn't as into you as you are into her, and I think you need more time to heal from your past hurt before getting into a relationship again.

 

Out of curiosity, where did you meet her and how old are you both?

[kgcolonel]

One additional question about this situation....how true is your friend to you? Would he let you know if there was inappropriate communication coming from your GF? Also, would he tell you about what the conversation was between him and your GF?

 

This could either confirm or put to rest your concerns....if and only if he is truly a trusted friend.... Just a last ditch effort to save the R.

 

[Poutrew]

Wow dude... all I can say is that I've broken up with girls for doing less than this. That 3-some she was talking about was not a joke... dump her, is all I can tell you.

[wilson1]

Hey Guys (or girls),

 

thank you for the quick replies.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1- I am too embarrassed to ask my friend about this, i didn't get the feeling that he was doing anything wrong so don't want to make our friendship uncomfortable. But maybe i will ask him eventually.

 

2- I am 33 and 22. She lives in a different country and is a student.

 

Other than the described above she always acted like she really cared about me, she even spent all her student money to come on a trip with me so i'm very confused.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey Guys (or girls),

 

thank you for the quick replies.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1- I am too embarrassed to ask my friend about this, i didn't get the feeling that he was doing anything wrong so don't want to make our friendship uncomfortable. But maybe i will ask him eventually.

 

2- I am 33 and 22. She lives in a different country and is a student.

 

Other than the described above she always acted like she really cared about me, she even spent all her student money to come on a trip with me so i'm very confused.

 

OP, I don't mean to be insensitive, but I'm not sure how you can make a claim about how she "always" acts when you've been seeing for a grand total of 14 days. You hardly know her at this point. How did you meet?

 

I think the age gap, the distance and her odd behaviour don't bod well for a relationship. She's at a completely different stage in her life and likely won't really settle down for a while. (Take it from someone who once was a 22-year-old girl!) Given her actions with your friend, I wouldn't invest in this girl. I think you'd be far better off with a woman closer to your own age who lives near you.

[wilson1]

OP, I don't mean to be insensitive, but I'm not sure how you can make a claim about how she "always" acts when you've been seeing for a grand total of 14 days. You hardly know her at this point. How did you meet?

 

I think the age gap, the distance and her odd behaviour don't bod well for a relationship. She's at a completely different stage in her life and likely won't really settle down for a while. (Take it from someone who once was a 22-year-old girl!) Given her actions with your friend, I wouldn't invest in this girl. I think you'd be far better off with a woman closer to your own age who lives near you.

 

 

I met her in a Bar. We went on a date the day after and it started from there. About the caring, i meant she really came across as really into me, we saw each other every single day since the day we met and she spent her savings to come travel with me on a last minute notice. We enjoyed every day until this whole situation happened.

Edited May 8, 2016 by wilson1

[Space Ritual]

Hey Guys (or girls),

 

thank you for the quick replies.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1- I am too embarrassed to ask my friend about this, i didn't get the feeling that he was doing anything wrong so don't want to make our friendship uncomfortable. But maybe i will ask him eventually.

 

2- I am 33 and 22. She lives in a different country and is a student.

 

Other than the described above she always acted like she really cared about me, she even spent all her student money to come on a trip with me so i'm very confused.

 

 

Take it for what it was. You got a piece of ass off of a 22 year old and she got to see your country and flirt with your friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Some guys put in months of work to get laid by somebody only to have them flirt with their friend and show them who they are. You fast tracked it in 2 weeks. You got lucky. Now leave it be and don't contact her again.

[basil67]

Oh Wilson - so sorry you're in this situation.

 

A couple of observations from me:

1. she's 22! You're dating a comparative child

2. she lives in another country

3. you've only known her for two weeks

 

Mate, you're far too invested in a person who you barely know - not to mention that the odds of distance and difference in age are stacked against the two of you.

 

Just tell her the age difference is too much or you don't want to do long distance and end it.

[wilson1]

Oh Wilson - so sorry you're in this situation.

 

A couple of observations from me:

1. she's 22! You're dating a comparative child

2. she lives in another country

3. you've only known her for two weeks

 

Mate, you're far too invested in a person who you barely know - not to mention that the odds of distance and difference in age are stacked against the two of you.

 

Just tell her the age difference is too much or you don't want to do long distance and end it.

 

I don't mind her being younger, i think i actually prefer it. I travel a lot so i think most relationships i have at this point would have a long distance component anyway.

You are right that 2 weeks is not a lot.

 

Call me a hopeless romantic but i actually did really like her.

Edited May 9, 2016 by wilson1

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't mind her being younger, i think i actually prefer it. I travel a lot so i think most relationships i have at this point would have a long distance component anyway.

You are right that 2 weeks is not a lot.

 

Call me a hopeless romantic but i actually did really like her.

 

You're seeing her for who she really is. She's not exactly girlfriend material if she's got a crush on your friend, and this after two weeks of knowing her. Imagine what else you would find out if you stayed with her.

 

Why the rush? Slow down. Install some healthy boundaries in dating and take your time getting to know a woman. Spending every day together right off the bat isn't smart, because you get attached to the attention and affection without having a clear idea about who the other person really is. Thus your current dilemma.

[sandylee1]

It's blatantly obvious she has the hots for your friend. If you're dating younger girls like her, then you will get a level of that childish immaturity. Not from all ... but from quite a lot.

 

You've fallen too hard and too quick. Let her go.. you don't need to deal with a 22 year old with a crush on your mate.

[coolheadal]

The signs are there and red flags our waving at you. Go and find someone else who really appreciates and gives you her undying and unconditional total devotion and attention of love always no matter where you both go or stay. This one shows you her true colors and you have been warned to get rid her!

[wilson1]

"someone who really appreciates and gives you her undying and unconditional total devotion and attention of love always no matter where you both go or stay."

 

That is my dream.

Edited May 10, 2016 by wilson1

[elaine567]

"someone who really appreciates and gives you her undying and unconditional total devotion and attention of love always no matter where you both go or stay."

 

That is my dream.

 

Well stop messing around with 22 year olds, who will skip off with other guys given half the chance.

At 22, plenty options and lots of opportunities.

Too many to stick around with one, she is young free and single, the world is her oyster and she will want to grab it with both hands.

Yes, she probably did get a big kick playing around with your friend.

 

Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't talking about you.

[coolheadal]

"someone who really appreciates and gives you her undying and unconditional total devotion and attention of love always no matter where you both go or stay."

 

That is my dream.

 

Don't rush things and don't settling for the wrong woman in this case this girl. When it happens you'll know you have the right one. I feel age doesn't matter here it's the person that's interested in you. Even 18 old woman can be fully in love with you! She might also want to marry you too. Where I had setup one of my 25 year old friend at the time came to me and had asked me which one of these women do you think would be the right one for me to marry? I told this one before she was totally devoted into you. So again the moral of that story was they did wed and everything working out so well I had got a called from the young wonder she wanted to say thank you to me for bringing them together. Like this you also have the same just wait and the right woman will come to you.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 10, 2016 by coolheadal

[wilson1]

Hey Guys, it’s been forever since the last post, a lot has happened since then and wanted to post the ending to this story.

 

The short version: ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING.

 

After the original post i wrote here a few months ago (which i actually showed to her the day after), she wrote a very elaborate and compelling email, defending herself and explaining in detail why i was wrong about everything. I will not post her letter here, because it would breach her privacy and would be wrong (even if i would like to). But basically her letter explained she didn’t want anyone else since she met me, she walked next to my friend to give me privacy, the comment of the threesome was completely misunderstood by me and she meant the opposite, that she didn’t want sex infront of my friend, i was the smartest, funniest, most attractive man she ever met, etc, etc etc. Basically, if you read her letter, she built her own waterproof version of the story, and even when i showed her letter to some of my friends, they thought maybe she was right and i was over reacting.

But my gut feeling always told me the opposite, i was next to her when all of this happened and her letter didn’t reflect at all what i experienced.

 

However, I couldn’t stop thinking about her after the original post i wrote here, and despite being in another country I gave her the benefit of the doubt. It’s funny how much we are willing to give the benefit of the doubt when we really like someone. After several emails and about a month apart i decided to travel to her home town and spend time with her in person. The purpose of this trip would be to know if we are meant to be together or not. I was going to look for my answers in her home country. And i knew the results could be 50/50. I would either have a serious girlfriend at the end of that trip or i would break up.

 

I arrived at her apartment and stayed with her during three days. She always behaved very lovingly with me, and the sex was amazing of course. However when i distrusted her, she would always say things like “I have nothing to hide, if you don’t trust me you can check my phone, in fact i would prefer if you do that so you can get over this”.

If i was going to check her phone, i would do it right. I assumed she already deleted all the important stuff, so i installed a software that recovers deleted data.

 

I found out that half of what she told me about her life since the day i met her was a lie. She lied about her past and present sexual history, about her values, about the people she was talking to, among other things. I counted 7 guys she hooked up during the last three months prior to meeting me (maybe more, that is what i could find in her phone). I even found half naked selfies she was sending to these men, which was disgusting. She of course gave me a complete different image of herself. And my sense of reality was shattered. The person she said she was vs the one i read in the messages was so different I found myself wondering “what kind of person am i with?”.

The worst part is, during our actual roadtrip in those initial 15 days which had been amazing, she was talking to a previous sex buddy over text. While she was right next to me. Texts that she obviously deleted. And she met this guy in person as soon as she went back. I did not find proof of sex but meeting him and flirting with him while she was with me is more than enough to dump everything, especially lying about it and trying to cover it up.

 

Basically, the story about my friend which was the reason i initiated this post became completely irrelevant after this. There is no trust left.

 

This person was calling me crazy for distrusting her and denying everything until the last minute, even trying to build cover up stories after i already found her lies, to the point of making really stupid stories that don’t make sense at all. This what is called the cheater’s paradox (google it), no matter how much evidence you find, they will always make up bigger lies to cover them up.

 

Lessons learned:

 

- TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. People who are honest and transparent don’t need to convince you of anything because there is nothing to hide, and there is nothing to explain.

- If someone lies to you, run away as fast as you can. Chances are they will continue doing so.

 

If it wasn’t for that recovery software, i would still be stuck in a relationship full of deceit and thinking im crazy because of my trust issues. The last 3 months have been pretty hard for me emotionally but i am feeling better now. I am taking some time for myself before i consider dating again.

 

One thing i need to find out about myself, is how to stop attracting these kind of women, since this is not the first time this happens to me. I really need to do some introspective work and see why i am attracting or feeling attracted to the wrong kind of women. Especially cheaters or compulsive liars that say everything i want to hear, and it obviously turns out to not be true.

 

At the moment i am going through a “diet” of women, meaning i am not seeing anyone, focusing on work and investing in myself vs on dating women. I’m not ready to date yet, but hopefully will be soon.

 

I feel i wasted over 3 months of my life, a lot of brainpower and a lot of money over someone who was not worth it from day one. But maybe this story will help other people who could be in a similar situation.

 

Cheers

Edited August 30, 2016 by wilson1

[Space Ritual]

Sorry you had to learn the hard way but you aren't the first and you won't be the last by any means. At least now you know what she was capable of.

 

One thing you learned is that people can really be accomplished at gaslighting like this chick was. Sadly I know it will probably affect your next relationship,so make sure you present clear boundaries to your next GF and always be prepared to walk away if those boundaries are crossed.

[road]

It's pretty obvious she isn't really acting like a girl that is falling in love with you....damn rights she is into your friend. The talk about a threesome, her wanting to talk to him all the time, asking to hang out with him, to go looking for him. If she wasn't she would be right by your side the whole time enjoying your company. Her going off to have private convos with him was inappropriate.

 

BTW her being all affectionate with you afterwards is a smokescreen.

 

You want clarification, go ask your friend what he thinks or the others that were there.

 

So true. Though even if she did not do those things you still need to dump for LDR's never very rarely work out.