ashteller Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Hello all, Alright, so I became interested in this woman at work. I am 25 and she is 37 years old. We had to work closely together for awhile as she trained me at certain aspects of work. She is half white half Puerto Rican, looking all Puerto Rican. Well besides a lot of things I fell for her real hard. To be honest at first I did not find her physically attractive at all besides her amazing smile. But as I got to know her and how she treated me I now think she is beautiful. But that is not the point. Over the course of several weeks I have felt like I have been getting mixed messages from her. The biggest one of interest to me is she acts different around me by not swearing since I act humble and speak proper. She admitted she does not talk "****" around me because I am too nice. There are other things too. She has children from 2 different men one lasted for 6 years the other 15 years. She was hurt badly in both. So she has baggage like most of us. But to my point. I really felt she was playing hard to get because of her hurt past. I still was and am into her. Just this Friday I had the balls and finally built up my courage to let her know I am into her and would like to get to know her more outside of work. I said this while we were both somewhat preoccupied with work. She looked up at me and hesitated slightly and slowly shook her head no and eventually said the first "no" horsley then said a second no with more affirmative, I took a step back hesitated and moved forward asked if it was because of the age gap and she said "no, I don't date white guys. Both of my children's fathers are black" So this was my first time experiencing this type of rejection for being white. My initial feeling when she said that was that seems racist. I did not say that. I know she isn't because one of her best friends is a married with child white male 28 years old. I can see why she said what she said because she does have a certain swag and I think that's what really drew me to her was her confidence and mannerisms. My whole point in this thread is to figure out what I should do next. Yes she said no but I think it was because I caught her off guard and that I have been to persistent in showing her attention. She is a Libra and she strongly believes in that stuff and I know Libra always are seeking their true love and I can't see why she would not date the possible best thing to ever happen to her Just because of skin color. Plus I am highly optimistic and a Gemini. I would like to eventually like to try again down the road. Any advice or tips is appreciated, thanks. P.S. I am open to the option of a long term relationship possible marriage, so it's not like I was looking to just get with her and dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Gemini-schmemini.... Never, ever date in the workplace, ever, no matter who; no matter what nationality, religion, sexual persuasion, age or status. Never, ever EVER date in the workplace. Find someone closer to your age. Taking on a woman, with children (and it sounds as if she's had children from different fathers) is never a wise option when there's an age-gap of this nature, and the guy is the younger. Oh, and did I mention, you should never, ever date in the workplace? EV-ER...?? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 All I can say is 'ouch'. And, yeah, never EVER date in the workplace. Easier said than done but oh, so true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Lessee.... She has kids from different fathers, she's 12 years older than you and probably has more baggage than the terminal at LaGuardia Airport.... You didn't lose out......She did you a huge favor...You just dont realize it yet... TFY 13 Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 And, without wishing to sound crude, she's got her 'thing'...and it's not guys of your persuasion. It's hard to fight that. So...don't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 As with most things (especially those charged with sexual energy/sexual attraction), "No Means No", regardless of whether or not you agree with the reasons behind it OR whether you believe the reasons behind it are valid...or not. Leave it be, OP. She, too, is allowed to have her own personal preferences when dating, which include NOT dating white guys, NOT dating guys considerably younger than her, and/or NOT dating guys with whom she works (and trained). She's even allowed to not be interested in you - or anyone else - just 'cuz. Best of luck to you, OP... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 One final thing - if she said NO - AND gave you a reason - she means 'No'. And she was fair enough to give you a reason. Above comments regarding baggage also very true. I am a woman, and honestly, I don't judge but for a woman to permit herself to be made pregnant twice - not once - from different guys - is not exactly a glowing reference or point to her advantage. Or yours, for that matter. It could be she dates guys from her own culture exactly because her kids are black. Less of a shock to their system if they know they're black - and hang on - their mamma's dating a white guy now? "What's wrong with this picture??" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 She said no, only one way to interpret that. If you want to hang onto your dignity with her you'll stop trying and just be friendly. If you chase and get increasingly desperate she'll lose respect for you and you'll just become a somewhat pathetic orbiter who's never gonna get in there. I wouldn't interpret it as racist btw, it's just sexual/romantic preference. Everyone's entitled to that, and she actually did you a good turn by being honest about the what and why rather than let you linger on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Yeah, no racism intended. I like ladies to have a few curves or extra pounds. It's just my 'thing', I just like the way it looks better so I tend to go for that. Nothing wrong at all with other ladies, I just seem to gravitate towards slightly larger ones. Life would be weird if we all liked the same things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 I don't think you can hang a "racist" label on someone because they are not attracted to your particular variety of skin and looks. Try to realize that tribes are very real and that throughout history, the tendency is that we are attracted to what is more familiar to us. It's not just about looks either. It's about culture, and that's the bigger factor. You could say I'm racist if I don't want to date a Hispanic, but my reason for that would be more cultural (male dominated/religious/don't believe in birth control) than anything else. (By the way, I did date a Hispanic as well as had a best friend who was Hispanic, but they were both unconventional rebels, so that's why). Then you have just attraction. Physical attraction. There's really no accounting for it. It's a very individual thing. You either have it for someone or you don't. A dapper lawyer once asked me out and I declined because that's too suity for me. I like musicians and artists. My friend married a guy I think looks like Howdy Doody but thinks he is so good looking a lot of women are after him. There's no accounting for taste, so don't get bitter on this woman there at work. Just let it go and move on. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Yeah, no racism intended. I like ladies to have a few curves or extra pounds. It's just my 'thing', I just like the way it looks better so I tend to go for that. Nothing wrong at all with other ladies, I just seem to gravitate towards slightly larger ones. Life would be weird if we all liked the same things. God bless you. And you must be a happy man and feel you are a wolf let loose in a world of juicy sheep. How did you ever avoid being programmed by the popular media, I wonder. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 And, yeah, you've also got the fact she has two half-black kids and if you're going to be taking over as daddy, it's gonna be obvious they're not yours and that might be awkward for you. Factor that in. It's not a great idea, really. Maybe she's just saving you some hell along the line. Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 God bless you. And you must be a happy man and feel you are a wolf let loose in a world of juicy sheep. How did you ever avoid being programmed by the popular media, I wonder. I like that. I think when I was told that Santa Claus existed as a child, I never really believed it. And when all the media in the 90s was saying Kate Moss and Victoria Beckham were the most beautiful women in the world and I'm there thinking "but they look like skeletons to me". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashteller Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 (edited) One final thing - if she said NO - AND gave you a reason - she means 'No'. And she was fair enough to give you a reason. Above comments regarding baggage also very true. I am a woman, and honestly, I don't judge but for a woman to permit herself to be made pregnant twice - not once - from different guys - is not exactly a glowing reference or point to her advantage. Or yours, for that matter. It could be she dates guys from her own culture exactly because her kids are black. Less of a shock to their system if they know they're black - and hang on - their mamma's dating a white guy now? "What's wrong with this picture??" Well thanks to everyone. In such a short period I feel helped out a lot. It was great to be able to share this. @Tara I also thought about those 3 points you just mentioned. She did not offer an explanation she just said no. I should have walked away then but I asked if it was the age difference and she said no it's not then further explained probably uncomfortable from the hurt expression on my face. Yeah 3 kids total. 1 from the first man who the child is now 19 years old and other 2 are 12 and 14 but I could have dealt with that, adoption has been a possibility. Totally agree about the color of being off from white dad to Hispanic mother to black children, I saw pictures they do look black. Thanks still. Suprised though that there hasn't been anyone to encourage me forward. Probably for the best though. I am just hurt right now and I am usually super confidant. She lost. 39lbs before and looks better now but she is still about 150lbs. I am 207lbs. and work out on the reg and am a health nut by some people. Honestly I am surprised at how hard I fell for this woman. She's got that thing about her I suppose. Edited May 8, 2016 by ashteller Link to post Share on other sites
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 I think most people on here err towards minimising hurt and protecting people, often in a 'tough love' way. In a good way. And you're quite young, a 19yr old son might be a handful or create an awkward 'father figure or pal?' dynamic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 She did not offer an explanation she just said no. I should have walked away then but I asked if it was the age difference and she said no it's not then further explained probably uncomfortable from the hurt expression on my face. She did give you an explanation. She told you she doesn't date white men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Lessee.... She has kids from different fathers, she's 12 years older than you and probably has more baggage than the terminal at LaGuardia Airport.... You didn't lose out......She did you a huge favor...You just dont realize it yet... TFY Funniest thing I've heard today!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 Lessee.... She has kids from different fathers, she's 12 years older than you and probably has more baggage than the terminal at LaGuardia Airport.... You didn't lose out......She did you a huge favor...You just dont realize it yet... TFY No, "three" kids - mind you... I don't care if she's racist, sexist, ist-ist...Thank your lucky stars that she's out of your life. I have intimacy issues, but I never was selfish/irresponsible enough to drag kids into my issues and don't have an ounce of baggage like she does. Yea, let her go to some non-white guy to slap her around and treat her like she wants to be treated:rolleyes: She's an idiot and piece of trash, in my honest opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 No, "three" kids - mind you... I don't care if she's racist, sexist, ist-ist...Thank your lucky stars that she's out of your life. I have intimacy issues, but I never was selfish/irresponsible enough to drag kids into my issues and don't have an ounce of baggage like she does. Yea, let her go to some non-white guy to slap her around and treat her like she wants to be treated:rolleyes: She's an idiot and piece of trash, in my honest opinion. WOW. LS sure is editing what I get to see from what everyone else gets to see. Where was it stated she has "three" kids (as if the number - or their existence - even matters)? How did "(s)he was hurt badly in both [relationships] translate into getting 'slapped around'?!? She can't be that big of "an idiot", since the company for whom they both work chose her to train him on aspects of his job. She simply doesn't want to go out with him; as a woman, a mother, and a co-worker, that's her prerogative. There's no need for the OP - or anyone else - to get so nasty about what is her choice. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 To be fair, this woman sounds so low-value. OP should really be upping his standards. I mean, you hadn't even kissed this girl, and yet you were so loved up that you wanted to devote your entire life to a adopting and bringing up the lovechildren of a much older woman? Come on, man. You're better than that. Time to up your game. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BelleSkye Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) I'm 34 years old - Indian - and recently had a young, white guy (27 years old) ask me out - consistently and persistently for the past month (we met when I was taking coding classes).... I had to politely decline his extra classes and coffee dates because of his age and not because he is white. I was also not that physically attracted to him (bit too thin, almost the same height as me, questionable dress sense and strange voice pitch with a lot of giggling when we shared a joke). There were so many reasons but the one I chose to share with him was because of his age... He is not a bad guy - I just didn't want to lead him on and waste his time. At 34 - I am pretty confident to know what I want to date to ensure 100% commitment from my side. I don't mean to sound rude or too blunt - but perhaps there was a bit more to her decision and well, you will probably need to find a girl who will appreciate all the qualities you currently have now without changing anything about yourself. To the other LS posters - no need to call this woman 'low-value' or 'trash' (how can one be considered 'trash' or 'low value' when she is working and proving for her children???).... She has already made some pretty bad decisions in her lifetime - they were probably made in good faith at the time but now she is where she is....at 37 with older children - she could be seeing op as another 'kid' in her eyes and sparing herself another poor life choice....give her that at least. Edited May 9, 2016 by BelleSkye 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) (how can one be considered 'trash' or 'low value' when she is working and proving for her children???).... Her value is very low in a dating sense (just going by all the details in the OP). - Not very attractive - Much older than he is - Has three kids - Multiple fathers - Multiple dodgy/abusive relationships - Has some sort of race fetish Don't understand why he's pining for her. He should have higher standards. She has already made some pretty bad decisions in her lifetime Uh-huh. they were probably made in good faith at the time but now she is where she is....at 37 with older children - she could be seeing op as another 'kid' in her eyes and sparing herself another poor life choice.... I try not to focus on the 'why' too much in my life. Or on here either. Fact is she doesn't want to go out with him. No point in getting hung up on why, when there are so many other options in life. give her that at least. I credit her with not leading him on, or screwing him around. But, he can do so much better for himself, and needs some perspective. He was about ready to devote his entire life to a low-value woman that he hadn't even had a single date with. That is an issue worth raising. Edited May 9, 2016 by Jabron1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Geez! It amazes me how many here can be so judgmental of this woman, given the bit that the OP has posted. I mean saying that, "She's an idiot and piece of trash, in my honest opinion", or saying that, "this woman sounds so low-value"! Unbelievable! OP, she likes what she likes, and it's just that simple. Many of us have been in the position that you found yourself in. We ALL have our preferences, and you should not take it personally that she was honest and very upfront with you about hers. At least you had the balls to approach her and at least try. Good for you! It may not have worked out for you this time, but do not let this discourage you the next time around. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
BelleSkye Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Her value is very low in a dating sense (just going by all the details in the OP). - Not very attractive - In OP's opinion - she could be Miss Universe in someone else's eyes... - Much older than he is - Nothing wrong with being older - gosh, I know a lot of women in their 40's who look better than some of the 20 year olds I know. Her being older just means she knows what SHE wants... - Has three kids - Once again, a lot of women with kids out there who are successfully dating and continuing with life. A sincere guy will understand that children are a part of life and not an inconvenience. - Multiple fathers - was she supposed to stop life after the first guy? What happens if guy number 2 was the love of her life? Was she not supposed to try a life with him? From what I read, she had 2 kids from the second guy - that means it meant something to her at least. No fault to her if he left her. Enough people on LS trying to wonder why their partners left them when they did nothing wrong. - Multiple dodgy/abusive relationships - once again - you never know until you are in the situation. As long as she is not abusive to her own children i.e. not doing drugs, abandoning her children, not providing etc Plus side - she is now out of those 'abusive' relationships. Where is the low value in that? - Has some sort of race fetish - what is wrong with having a legal, healthy fetish? She probably wanted something sincere out of it...I have a fetish for....guys in military uniform? (just an example)...from a woman's perspective, it just means I want all the goodness of a healthy relationship coming from a man who wears a military uniform to work A fetish only becomes a problem when it imposes on someone else's personal boundaries or well-being.... Jabron1 - mentioning that she has a black fetish (in a condescending way) also sounds a tad bit racist....there are many Black LS posters here - no need to make them feel uncomfortable by saying that they are considered as a 'fetish' for 'low value' people. Don't understand why he's pining for her. He should have higher standards. - When you feel an emotion, there is no wrong or right. I'm on LS pining for my ex - I know I should have higher standards but what I feel is what I feel. The best way to know when YOU are in love or feel strongly about someone is when you don't give a damn about what society thinks about your partner...just as long as you are happy I'm trying to be realistic with OP about the her (his 'lady of concern') choices, to not beat himself up about the race issue....hopefully it will raise some self-awareness about his own short-comings, if there are any (dress sense, height, the way he speaks etc...I don't know, something he might have to figure out on his own). Edited May 9, 2016 by BelleSkye 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 One relationship lasted six years, another fifteen, so I'm not sure how that qualifies her as a woman with low standards. Ppl change and grow apart. She didn't pounce on this young guy, as she could have. Instead, she backed away and said no, and then followed that up by stating she prefers black men, which makes her honest, not racist. In fact, stating that a guy who isn't white "is apt to slap her around" is quite a stereotypical mouthful. There are lots of factors to consider in a relatively short post. They work together, there is a twelve year age gap, she has three children to consider, along with her preference and prob. a whole host of factors that we aren't privy to. Slamming this woman based on the little info. the OP gave is sad. OP, she isn't interested and it would serve you best to respect her wishes. Also, I admire you for not judging a book by its cover, so to speak. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts