Woman rejected me because I am white.

[ashteller]

Just an update. She brought in food today for me for lunch that she made last night. Now I know it doesn't mean she is into me because she brings food for other people sometimes too, but hey at least she feels comfortable with me to do that.

[ashteller]

This was the first thread I ever created in my history of online forums that ever had this many views or replies. This was Def a hot topic.

[ashteller]

I suppose this is the best place for this since it is work related.

 

Is it possible that if you are into someone and you let them know you are interested in seeing them outside of work and you get rejected that they still can't come around?

 

I ask because I am in the most unique and weirdest situation in my life. I am 25 and she is 37. We work closely together at work and she ended up training me for two weeks and we still work closely together almost everyday like literally as an interpersonal team. Well she revealed some information about her 2 past bad relationships. Amongst other things after our time together I fell for her hard. She has a swag and confidence that I find exuberantly attractive. Just to make this short. Eventually I built up the courage to ask her to hang out outside of work and I told her that I am into her. She rejected me slowly and hesitantly at first like she was off guard. I didn't walk away and I asked her if it was because of age difference and she said no she doesn't date white guys. She is half Italian and half Puerto Rican, and her three children's father's are both black. Also I made the mistake of being pushy and coming off to strong and creepy. I have a take the bull by the horns approach and I take action right away.

 

The point is this. She acts very guarded from her hurt past. I am a very religious person or was let's say and she swears and likes to drink. We are in a work environment. She has more then 10 years on me and a son 19 year old son. Two men who fathered 3 kids. Also not trying to be a jerk she is kind of out of shape even though she used to be heavier. I work out regularly and look built.

 

I say that stuff because those factors could lead to the applied person being less desirable or out of someone's league. And perhaps she rejected me because she had no idea i was into her and i caught her severely off guard. From what is going on at work with her now, I can see maybe she actually might be a little into me. At first after the rejection she was very distant and cold. I acted cool and acted normal and didn't skip a beat and treated her the same and she came around quick within several days of treating me even nicer then before. She even brought me in food for lunch today which she does for others at work to so it's not a huge deal but it was the first time for me and I have given her food in the past and cooked twice for her, she is on a diet and I cook very healthy so I was being nice.

 

I am seeing subtle signs about her now and I am confused as to whether she actually might be into me because she knows I am into her and she knows I still am. Or if she is really just trying to be friendly, but why is she even more friendly now then before?

 

This point of the thread is to know if it is possible for someone to be so guarded and caught off guard when asked out that they defensively rejection the you but then after letting it sink in they start to feel an attraction toward you since they know they have a chance with you since you are attracted to them? If she felt unattractive before and built up such a strong defense to block out pain maybe it is possible she will let it down knowing possible love exists?

[whichwayisup]

Just an update. She brought in food today for me for lunch that she made last night. Now I know it doesn't mean she is into me because she brings food for other people sometimes too, but hey at least she feels comfortable with me to do that.

 

this means she's keeping the peace at work so it won't be awkward and uncomfortable. Glad you see that she's doing this platonic and not some hint that she's into you. Many guys would still try to go for it regardless of past failures.

[Got it]

Sexual harassment includes repeated and "unwanted" contact. No, it doesn't matter if you're not asking her for sex, showing her your penis, etc....it matters that you insist on contact with her after she said "no" to your advances.

 

And unfortunately sexual harassment is in the eyes of the victim. So, while you may just wanna see a "Hi" as a "Hi", she may see it as you not letting her go after she told you that she wasn't interested.

 

Now, if it goes to court, nah, no court would call this harassment...but, at your job, they don't want drama and/or exposure to wasting money in litigation, so they probably are gonna write you up or fire you.

 

Dude, sometimes we don't get "closure"...so yes, unfortunately from now on she sees you as some guy who won't leave her alone and the more attempts you make to jusr "clear the air" right now when things are hot, the more you're gonna freak her out.

 

The best thing you can do is stop trying to talk to her. Maybe one day you can resurrect a working relationship with her again...right now, stay away.

 

Trust me, I know. I have my neighbor running and telling his wife that I'm chasing him and gosh I was so angry that I just wish she would say something to me so I could just lay it on her that he's the one obsessing over me...but dude, I decided it is safer for "me" to keep my distance from them. I don't go near that house unless I am forced to walk/drive there. I stay the heck out of their way. I deep down inside know the truth, and that's what matters.

 

Oh for goodness sake.

 

OP - please do not take employment law advice from someone that doesn't understand it.

 

Sexual harassment is defined as (http://www.eeoc.gov)

 

t is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

 

Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.

 

Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.

 

Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

 

The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.

 

In regards to litigation. RARELY does it go to litigation. What does happen is it is addressed at work. If it the employee does not feel the company is acting appropriately then it usually goes through the EEOC. Occasionally they will seek outside counsel but even then it is usually filed through the EEOC via the attorney's recommendation. From there it is investigated and usually goes to mediation unless they decide there is a more prevalent issue and so they will investigate further to see if they will partner with the complainant in litigation. But the usual course is it is closed out with a right to sue letter to the complainant or goes to mediation and a numeric number is reached.

 

Sexual harassment is deemed to be that via the complainant and another reasonable person. It is not solely based on the viewpoint of the complainant.

 

https://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/publications/fs-sex.cfm

 

 

Also, in regards of her being seen as PR and you are white. My husband is PR, it is a diverse culture that is made up of many different ethnicities from Spain, Africa, Carribean, etc. There is no one skin color and one can be very white looking or very black.

[TimmyC]

Sorry going through that man. I see everyone's already done a good job of explaining what you should so I'll be short. Don't take it personal and don't read into more than it needs to be. Everyone has their own interests and attractions I've asked out a few girls that wouldn't date me because I'm African American. I've even dated women whoms parents did not approve of me for the same reason.

 

On the contrary I prefer to date only outside of my race, Its not personal it's preference.

 

Move forward and find a women much into your age group. I've dated an older woman and it didn't work out very well. I also totally agree with what people have said about dating in your workplace. DONT!

 

It will be awkward...

 

You may be Jealous if they talk to other coworkers...(unless your confident.)

 

If you breakup, it will be difficult to do your job and you may not be able to avoid them.

[ashteller]

this means she's keeping the peace at work so it won't be awkward and uncomfortable. Glad you see that she's doing this platonic and not some hint that she's into you. Many guys would still try to go for it regardless of past failures.

 

Thanks for the credit.

 

Thank you to you other guys too.

 

It's hard because I feel like I am in high school again, I have butterflies in my stomach and everything, it feels like a first crush and I don't understand why I am into this woman so much. I want to spend time with her so bad and to see her face and smile and hear her voice. I don't need to date her I just want to spend time with her.

 

She is acting more friendly then before the rejection and I am a little confused because I am not sure if she is using my infatuation to her advantage or if it is her just trying to be friendly, but why extra friendly? I guess she had a falling out with another female employee before and they don't get along. So she came up to me today and said in a very low voice if I can always deliver these items to her nemesis every day when they come in, it's a very menial task. I didn't ask her why or any thing I just said sure OK with a stupid goofy smile on my face. I could tell from her whisper like voice and body language that it was some sort of rift between them.

 

I take that as a sign that she trusts me.

[TheFinalWord]

This point of the thread is to know if it is possible for someone to be so guarded and caught off guard when asked out that they defensively rejection the you but then after letting it sink in they start to feel an attraction toward you since they know they have a chance with you since you are attracted to them? If she felt unattractive before and built up such a strong defense to block out pain maybe it is possible she will let it down knowing possible love exists?

 

That you have to do all these mental gymnastics to find a reason for her to be attracted to you, should tell you all you need to know. The main thing you seem shocked about is that not all women are attracted to the abercrombie model look. Get used to it bro. It's a blow to the ego, but not all women are into that look. Some women like the ripped male model look, some like the big bear look and everything in between.

 

She's not into you. Woman rarely tell the real reasons, so count yourself lucky. Sometimes they will if you keep bugging them after they've tried being nice about it. At the end of the day, she's given you a reason you can do nothing about, you're white. Maybe its the truth, maybe its not. What she's really telling you is you have no chance.

 

We've all played the naive guy that thinks if you just keep trying, you'll break her will, she'll see you for the great guy you are, and fall head over heels. It will never happen bro. If you don't accept the rejection, you'll get into the "want what I can't have" mindset and you'll get more and more infatuated. Vicious cycle. Most of us have been there. Best thing to do is find someone else. Don't hang out with her at work or chit chat. Just keep it work related and move on.

[ashteller]

Thanks.

 

Sorry for being a pain over this. It's just confusing for me to deal with this at work especially since it's my first experience like this in a work setting.

 

Plus she got me, she got me real good.