How long will this last?

[Ophelia_B]

I've been separated from my boyfriend for about a month now and I'm still not coping well. We talk daily just to check in on eachother (it was a semi mutual breakup). I'm still in love with him, and it feels like I lost my best friend.

 

Backstory - we broke up because he is in a band that is starting to become quite big, they just recorded an album and will be touring Europe/US soon. He wants to move overseas to gain popularity with the band and believed that I didn't want to go.

I did want marriage and to move in together eventually, but he didn't want that at all. So he thought it best to end it.

 

As i said, we still talk, which is painful as I miss him, but not talking would hurt even more. If either of us go out with friends to a bar etc we always check in on eachother and tell eachother when we get home safe etc. It feels like I'm in a relationship with a man I can't see. It's extremely confusing.

 

He gets mad if I talk to other men (I have alot of male friends).

Always asks if men flirt with me when I'm out.

 

How do I get over this? He always says he still loves and cares for me.... is he just stringing me on? Should I just cut all ties and deal with it?

[sorano]

You said you guys are separated, yet, you continue to talk, check up on each other and he gets mad if you talk to another guy. Little confusing.

 

If it's really over and you two are looking for different things and both of you are at a different point in life, then yes you have to cut him off. If you remain friends you will keep going in a circle. You will then expect certain answers, responses and other things that a bf will give you. If you don't get that bc you two are friends, it will hurt.

 

By keeping contact you will never move forward. I know it's painful but, it works and needs to be done. We are all struggling on here. So we know the pain.

[BelleSkye]

He can't miss you and what you guys had if you still keep in contact.

 

You can't get self respect and self-awareness to his actions if you keep in contact with him - with this, you have to risk your attachment and completely let go of him. Think about it - you offered him commitment and his heart was not into it...now - have you been there before where you can't commit to someone because...you were not that into them?

 

What happens if you are so used to him texting you and one-day - it all stops? It will probably be because he met someone else and has no time to give you the attention that you crave or need.

 

What happens if you meet a great guy but this current guy is stopping you develop feelings for the new guy by offering false hope? (with the long distance contact).

 

Anyway - I have personally been where you are right now - it did not end well for me. The advice I'm offering is what I wish I had done back then.

 

Good luck.

[Ophelia_B]

He always says love was never a problem and that he still loves me, but we both want different things.

It's like neither of us want to let go. It's heartbreaking.

He got angry/upset last week when I didn't speak to him much and said that he knew it would happen eventually and to "have a nice life"... but when i didn't respond (I was at work) he got REALLY upset.

I don't know what to do. I don't want him outta my life but I don't want to hang on either.

[BelleSkye]

He always says love was never a problem and that he still loves me, but we both want different things.

- when you truly love someone, you learn to compromise. Moving in with him (and eventually marriage) is not wanting different things - I am sure he wants that as well but most likely not with you or not right now...and if it was 'not right now' he could at least let you live with him until marriage was a more suitable time.

 

It's like neither of us want to let go. It's heartbreaking.

He got angry/upset last week when I didn't speak to him much and said that he knew it would happen eventually and to "have a nice life"... but when i didn't respond (I was at work) he got REALLY upset.

- he sounds really selfish - all about him and not about you and your needs.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want him outta my life but I don't want to hang on either.

- this is a tough one - you have to accept that he is not the guy who is willing to give you everything. So the only option is to let go.

[privategal]

In my opinion he is using you...to get over you..."he knew it would happen eventually" regarding you not replying also means he considered there would be a time he phases communication out with you too.

While not hearing from the other IS really hard at FIRST...when the emotional connection and dependancy of the talking whittles down...so does the pain.

I think you are still giving him your time and communication so he is glad because then he doesnt have to feel guilty for leaving you.

He still gets all the benefit of a relationship without ever having to do anything but drop you a few lines and i love you.

It isnt really fair for him to still keep tabs or have an emotional bond if he doesnt want to be with you or see you.

Even if it was possible to have a healthy friendship...you need to go your own way, cut communication, greive his leaving and the relationship ending, feel thankful and at peace that there was no drama and you had a mutual feeling your paths were going in different directions.

You gotta learn to be strong and happy all alone so you can have a wedding someday and the family you wanted.

You wont move on and grow and find happiness while you are still wrapped up on him.

Take the brave step of cutting communication...it will hurt but also give you confidence in yourself that you are putting yourself first..not staying stuck and hurting yourself more as right now you are literally watching eachother slip from eachothers fingers.

It hurts but its no longer a fit.

So you be the one to stop it and greive it and heal.

Its best for you.

It will be just fine after the initial withdrawal and silence.

You will find WAY more peace in ending the dependence on his messages I promise.

[Ophelia_B]

It's just so hard

It is worse because when we started dating he said he wanted marriage.... but now says the thought of it "scares and disgusts him (he was engaged once before) It's like he said what he needed to to get in my good graces then got comfortable and bailed.

I do still have some feelings for him, so when he says he "knew it would happen eventually" it hurts me that it's hurting him. He said the reason for him saying that is that he believes I am talking to other men already. Even if that WAS the case.... he broke it off... why should he care?

There are also ALOT of unanswered questions regarding the breakup (he did it via text so I didn't really get the closure I needed) and whenever I try to bring up these questions it's "not the time" or he's "not going into this now".

[Ophelia_B]

UPDATE

 

We ended up sleeping together.

He told me he loved me several times, and kept mentioning all the things in the bedroom that I do that no other woman has ever done for him.

He kept complimenting me etc.

Then said it was the heat of the moment and the love stuff just "slipped out" because we obviously still care for eachother.

We still talk daily.

How do I get over this without cutting him out of my life completely?

[teenyfish]

UPDATE

 

We ended up sleeping together.

He told me he loved me several times, and kept mentioning all the things in the bedroom that I do that no other woman has ever done for him.

He kept complimenting me etc.

Then said it was the heat of the moment and the love stuff just "slipped out" because we obviously still care for eachother.

We still talk daily.

How do I get over this without cutting him out of my life completely?

 

That's the thing, you don't get over it if you don't cut him out. It would be wonderful if we could all heal and move on with our lives while still maintaining some sort of intimate connection with our ex's. Hell, I would love that right about now. But we can't, because it goes against every instinct we have. If you want to stop feeling awful and confused cut him out of your life. Doesn't have to be forever, but until you feel like your feelings for him are gone. I promise, you won't get over it until you do. Tough stuff.

[bummer]

Tough tough. If you can compartmentalize the sex and conversations away from your former relationship and any hope of a real future, do continue on the same course.

 

In reality, he's guilt sex using you and feeding you big crumbs so it isn't so painful for him when he does move on from you, which he will. Soon. I did it in my past with girls I "soft" broke up with.

 

You can't win, and you need to tape "keep your self esteem high through self control" on the mirror and stay NC!!!!!! Just savour that last encounter and leave him cold.