Dating a guy with girl friend roomie..

[Loving-girl]

Hi!

I don't know how to feel right now.

I met this guy 4 month ago and it's a long distance thing. We are not together officially, but like each other very much, and I've been to see him 3 times since we first met. We both admit that we have strong feelings and are in love. First time we met we really clicked!

Now to the problem, I am going to visit him again in 2 weeks.

He asked me if I'm going to sleep at his place this time. Last time I wanted to rent an apartment because he has 2 roommates and I wanted privacy.

I said to him I could do both because it gets too expensive to rent something for the whole stay.

 

Then he says that he has a girl friend staying with him right now, but she can move to the couch when I'm coming so it will not be a problem.

 

This made me feel very uncomfortable since I know his room is very small, and I'm not ever sure if it's enough space for a madress on the floor...

So I'm thinking they even sleep in the same bed, like smaller than a queen size bed. This soo wierd.. Should I be concerned?

What if they are friends with benefits, or worse, they have feelings for each other.. why would he put me (and her) in this strange situation with her in the couch right outside his bedroom door if they have had sex?

And make me travel soo far and spend som much money and invest more feelings if he was interested in someone else?

Btw I think I have met her when I was there the last time (2 month ago), and he was very affectionate thowards me in front of her.

 

Anyone been in a similiar situation?

I'm thinking about cancelling the whole trip, even if I've already bought tickets. Should I ask him right out about it?

Soo confused and jealous...

[Space Ritual]

Long Distance relationships take a lot of trust.

 

Does not seem like this is going to work.

 

I don't think you will get straight answer as this guy sounds pretty nonchalant and may not have the same set of boundaries as you.

 

I would hold off on travelling until you get some sort of answers. If the answers do not suit you then I would not go.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Are they sharing the same bed?? Seriously..... you only just found about about this "girl friend" staying with him and then drops the bomb that they are sharing a room/bed and he thinks you will be ok with this?

 

This bit of information is very telling. If you were as serious and in love as you thought he would not be inviting other girls to stay in his bed, platonic or otherwise, it doesn't matter. If this is a deal breaker for you (as it would be for many) then you have to make a stand now or it will set a precident for the rest of your relationship.

 

Should you give him the benefit of the doubt, Hell No!

 

This has dodgy written all over it. It is hard enough trying to make a long distance relationship work without a huge amount of trust. I wouldn't blame you for having lost any trust you had in him.

 

Ultimately it is your decision, but if I were in your shoes I wouldn't waste my time or money to be played for a fool.

[Loving-girl]

Thanks for your answers!

 

Yes, I need to ask him before I go. If I'm going...

Reason I'm so confused is that we don't actually have a relationship right now, so I don't know what boundarys to have this early on? When we are still only dating and getting to know each other?

And this arrangement with the girl might have been decided before I was even in the picture, or very early when we just met.

I know he has a lot of girl friends, even his best friend, that he has known for over 10 years, is a girl. He has told me this has caused problems in his earlier relationships.

 

I have also seen other guys, because I don't want to close any doors before I know whats happening with this guy. I even went on a vacation 1 month ago with my "friend with benefits". That vacation was booked and payed for before I met this guy.. Dating others would of course stop immediately if I were in an exclusive relationship. I'm very loyal by nature so if it was up to me I would have liked to be exclusive right away.. this in between twilight zone is very unnatural for me.

 

It was only 2-3 weeks ago that we talked about how much we really liked each other, and he was kind of surprised (and happy) and confessed to me that he had felt that I wasn't that into him when we were apart. He thougt I was slow with replies on texts etc. So he has also felt insecure about me being distant.

 

He seemed like a really genuine guy, he is so sweet to me. He is not even that good looking, looks a little nerdy . And I felt so happy falling for a guy that didn't seem like a player and that was a little shy.

[Arieswoman]

Loving-girl,

 

I think this whole thing sounds pretty dodgy, and personally I would cut and run.

 

You have only seen him 3 times, so you shouldn't be that invested.

 

I'm sure there are guys living nearer that you could date.

 

So I'd save yourself both money and heartache and get out of this non-relationship now.

 

Sorry x

[elaine567]

So I'm thinking they even sleep in the same bed, like smaller than a queen size bed. This soo wierd.. Should I be concerned?

 

Of course you should be concerned.

This guy likely shares a bed with this girl and is asking her to move onto the couch when you show up.

Awkward for her and for you.

 

You need to bail here, this LDR is going nowhere.

LDRs need a strong foundation to maintain them through the time apart, this base was built by a cowboy.

 

Nerdy, supposedly shy guys can be players too.

Pretending to be shy, and nerdy can be all part of the game.

Save your money and find a genuine guy closer to home.

[Loving-girl]

Thanks again for answering!

 

That part about letting her move out when I'm coming is what I can't understand? Why even encourage me to come? Why put me and her in that situation if they are already sleeping with each other? Why just not end it with me telling me he has feelings for this other girl... I don't understand why anyone would do that just for sex, very cruel IF that is the case. And he has 2 other friends (one girl and one guy) living in the apartment as well, so they would witness everything going on too...

 

This time his family would come visit too and he wanted me to meet them.. I have already met many of his friends and colleagues, he is very affectionate in public and in front of his friends. It's a small town and if he is playing around his reputation would be damaged.

 

But yes, you are right, the whole thing feels bad...

[salparadise]

I have also seen other guys, because I don't want to close any doors before I know whats happening with this guy. I even went on a vacation 1 month ago with my "friend with benefits".

 

 

Sounds like to me that you're both cut from the same cloth... casually shtupping others and holding each other at arms length while trying to light the fire? I don't see why becoming aware of his bedmate is a problem for you. Did you tell him about your FWB? Maybe you should bring your playmate along and you all could just call it even... perhaps everyone will live happily ever after... the FWBs could keep each other entertained on the couch.

[Els]

YOU went to meet him 3 times, he hasn't gone to you or tried to take things further or ask you to be his girlfriend, and you're doing the next visit too?

 

Yeah, I think the girl sleeping in his room is the least of your worries. Forget him and date someone else.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi!

I don't know how to feel right now.

I met this guy 4 month ago and it's a long distance thing. We are not together officially, but like each other very much, and I've been to see him 3 times since we first met. We both admit that we have strong feelings and are in love. First time we met we really clicked!

Now to the problem, I am going to visit him again in 2 weeks.

He asked me if I'm going to sleep at his place this time. Last time I wanted to rent an apartment because he has 2 roommates and I wanted privacy.

I said to him I could do both because it gets too expensive to rent something for the whole stay.

 

Then he says that he has a girl friend staying with him right now, but she can move to the couch when I'm coming so it will not be a problem.

 

This made me feel very uncomfortable since I know his room is very small, and I'm not ever sure if it's enough space for a madress on the floor...

So I'm thinking they even sleep in the same bed, like smaller than a queen size bed. This soo wierd.. Should I be concerned?

What if they are friends with benefits, or worse, they have feelings for each other.. why would he put me (and her) in this strange situation with her in the couch right outside his bedroom door if they have had sex?

And make me travel soo far and spend som much money and invest more feelings if he was interested in someone else?

Btw I think I have met her when I was there the last time (2 month ago), and he was very affectionate thowards me in front of her.

 

Anyone been in a similiar situation?

I'm thinking about cancelling the whole trip, even if I've already bought tickets. Should I ask him right out about it?

Soo confused and jealous...

Why are YOU the only one spending all this money to visit all the time, and why are YOU the only one doing all the traveling for all these visits?

 

What the hell does this guy even bring to the table?

 

I'd so be done with this crap.

[Lois_Griffin]

Why even encourage me to come? Why put me and her in that situation if they are already sleeping with each other? Why just not end it with me telling me he has feelings for this other girl... I don't understand why anyone would do that just for sex, very cruel IF that is the case. And he has 2 other friends (one girl and one guy) living in the apartment as well, so they would witness everything going on too...

Well...why NOT? It's not like it's costing him a cent. You do all the traveling, you pay for all the traveling, and you even rent other places while you're there to get out of the little frat house he lives in and have some privacy.

 

He doesn't have to do a thing or spend a penny. You just show up at his door.

[Loving-girl]

Sounds like to me that you're both cut from the same cloth... casually shtupping others and holding each other at arms length while trying to light the fire? I don't see why becoming aware of his bedmate is a problem for you. Did you tell him about your FWB? Maybe you should bring your playmate along and you all could just call it even... perhaps everyone will live happily ever after... the FWBs could keep each other entertained on the couch.

 

In a way I agree with you here..

It's more a survival/distraction thing, both me and my friends have fallen into the same trap many many times with guys that have had the impression of being serious. I will not do that mistake again and give up everything else before I know where it's heading, you have to be more like a man to survive this new dating culture... if you don't want your heart crushed over and over again.

[Loving-girl]

YOU went to meet him 3 times, he hasn't gone to you or tried to take things further or ask you to be his girlfriend, and you're doing the next visit too?

 

Yeah, I think the girl sleeping in his room is the least of your worries. Forget him and date someone else.

 

The reason it is only me soo far is because:

The first time I was still in his country and visited him before I went home again because he lives near the airport. My friends was also with me that time.

The second and third time I was travelling to a country near his, so it was convenient for me to stop by him on my way there and back. After that he said that he would come to me next time. But he works a lot.. 6 days a week and it would take some time for him to save all that money. And I don't want to wait when it's so easy for me to go.

I make more money than him and have a lot of free time, I can work from any country. Next trip is also combined with me visiting a girl friend near him. This time would be the first time we could have enough time together to get to know each other, he said that he wanted me to stay as long as I possibly could. In that case the girl friend would stay for weeks on the couch..

Edited May 9, 2016 by Loving-girl

[elaine567]

In a way I agree with you here..

It's more a survival/distraction thing, both me and my friends have fallen into the same trap many many times with guys that have had the impression of being serious. I will not do that mistake again and give up everything else before I know where it's heading, you have to be more like a man to survive this new dating culture... if you don't want your heart crushed over and over again.

 

OK I get that, but your "norm" is way off, if you actually need to ask if sharing a queen size bed with his roomie is something you need to be concerned about...????

YOU are steeped in the world of FWBs and casual, whereas a truly monogamous person would be holding their hands up in horror over that scenario and the fact you decided to go on holiday with your fwb only 2 weeks ago too, despite being in this LDR.

If you want monogamy then you need to start thinking monogamously.

If you are not going to take things seriously and keep fooling around with other men, and are putting up with the rubbish this guy is feeding you, then how can you focus on finding, and keeping a real relationship?

[Loving-girl]

OK I get that, but your "norm" is way off, if you actually need to ask if sharing a queen size bed with his roomie is something you need to be concerned about...????

YOU are steeped in the world of FWBs and casual, whereas a truly monogamous person would be holding their hands up in horror over that scenario and the fact you decided to go on holiday with your fwb only 2 weeks ago too, despite being in this LDR.

If you want monogamy then you need to start thinking monogamously.

If you are not going to take things seriously and keep fooling around with other men, and are putting up with the rubbish this guy is feeding you, then how can you focus on finding, and keeping a real relationship?

 

Yes I know, I'm not sure if they do share the bed, this is what I have to ask him about. If they do, I will end it.

I've had long relationships all my life, this is the first time in a long time I'm single. This dating scene is new to me and I'm trying to adapt even if it's against my nature.