My wife had a 2 day affair but now is back....how do I know if it's for good?

[StillLoveHerSoMuch]

All,

 

I could really use some advise.

 

General background:

We've been married for over 1.5 years and have been together for nearly 6 in total. It has generally been the happiest time in my life and I love my wife so very very much. The only problem that our relationship has "suffered" from over these years (and only in short bouts) is that she never really had a "crush" on me....she never really felt a strong physical attraction to me. Rather, I was the "nice guy" who had a bright future, great personality, and treated her well. She just never felt "drawn" to me in that way. All that said, we've shared many romantic times and our sex life has generally been good.

 

Recently (starting at the end of March), I took on a new job across the country (we live in the West Coast, but the job is in the East Coast). My wife was unable to move from her current job until June, so, the company paid for me to commute back and forth each week (I'd basically leave late monday night and return on Thursday or Friday night). During these 2 months of commuting, I missed only 1 weekend away from home. Unfortunately, that was the weekend she cheated on me. Here's what happened.

 

Context of the Cheating:

3 days prior to the weekend my wife cheated on me, I thought I had a wife who really loved me and I was simply the luckiest guy in the world. The reason why I thought this was because she had planned a random "just because" surprise for me and sent me a present i'd been wanting for quite some time. From this spontanenous "just because" gift as well as just the way she was generally behaving, I really felt like things were great....in fact, if you would have asked me at that moment, I would have said we were in a very good place.....and I am one who generally can detect even the slightest change in behavior in my wife and often times start digging in problems when they are only a molehill (as that's how early I can detect unhappiness or unrest in her). But in this case, I detected nothing.

 

Then, the weekend came and this was the 1 weekend a business trip to Europe caused me to miss a friend's birthday party. His wife had planned a sky-diving party and invited several of my friend's co-workers, including his boss.

 

I called my wife frequently during the weekend (like I always do) and at the end of the weekend she said she had a great time and felt a lot of adrenalin still from the rush (she also said she felt very horny/ sexy as well and wished I were home).

 

Then, 2 days later she told me she was having a girl's night out with her friend at work. Later that day, she then said she was going to try and set up her friend with my friend's boss whom she met at sky-diving. I thought this was strange but did not want to be the over-bearing jealous husband.

 

They went out on this "set-up for her friend" and she said it went OK, no sparks. The next night, she told me she was going to a house-party with her friends. Again, vague with the details thereafter.

 

I arrived home the next night and she felt a bit distant (whereas, me, after not seeing her for 10 days, was just craving her so bad).

 

I'll save ya'll the rest of the details, but the gist of the story is that I found his phone # in her cell phone, she lied to me and said he was just a friend/ sympathetic listener to her doubts/ troubles about moving out to the East Coast and to "not make a big deal out of it". I wanted to believe her and I did.

 

Then, 1 week later she revealed that the "set-up" date for her friend was really for herself to see if the spark of feelings/ attraction she felt for this guy during the sky-diving weekend was real or just a function of the sky-diving. She said she ended up drinking a lot, her friend left early, and she told the Slimeball that she liked him. From there, they ended up going back to his place to "sit out the drunken buzz", but then ended up making out and she ended up staying there (although, she has sworn to me 100 times that no clothes came off and they did NOT have sex).

 

The worst part then was that they then talked several times the following day and she ended up asking him out again (and lied to me about it via the house-party excuse mentioned above)......they went out to dinner and ended up kissing again that night. She said at one point during that night they realized that they had to stop and this was not right. He did not want to be "that guy"....even though the a**hole already was.

 

Since revealing all this, she has not really apologized to me beyond a few "I'm sorry". There has definitely not been any "begging of forgiveness". And, when I asked her "why", she merely says, "I don't know....I wasn't really thinking during that time.....it was like I was pretending to be a different person".

 

It's now 1 month later and we've moved to the East Coast. We're in a new house (and she's leading the decorating charge, which is fun and time consuming for her). We've also gotten a new puppy (and we're both definitely feeling our "Mommy" and "Daddy" emotions). She's been pretty loving and has told me she feels happy and content in her new life right now. Our sex life is relatively good as well.

 

But all this said, I still just can't stop thinking about all that happened. I'm still just so be-fuddled by "why" this all happened. I thought we were happy then too (as we seemingly are now), but look what happened. How do I know it won't happen again? I suppose I should talk to her, however, she's clearly in a place right now where she'd rather just never speak of it again and forget about it. She tells me she never even thinks of him unless I bring it up. Therefore, you can see my fear of bringing it up again.

 

What should I do? Should I confront her and ask her to explain the why? My burning question is, "If we weren't married already, would you choose to be with him instead of me? Why do you love me? Why did you choose to stay and try and work it out? -- beyond a simple "because I love you".

 

I look at her and, despite my insecurities and unanswered questions, I just love her so much still. She's my wife and I just want to be with her....so, I'm afraid to rock the boat right now and risk losing her. What should I do?

 

Also, does what she did warrant me leaving her?

 

As you can see from this long ramble, I'm just totally lost.

 

...any thoughts would be much appreciated.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by StillLoveHerSoMuch

How do I know it won't happen again? I suppose I should talk to her, however, she's clearly in a place right now where she'd rather just never speak of it again and forget about it. She tells me she never even thinks of him unless I bring it up. Therefore, you can see my fear of bringing it up again.

 

What should I do? Should I confront her and ask her to explain the why?

 

My advice, don't just let this go. Go to marriage counseling and discuss it, whatever. But if you just let it drop, never mention it again, don't force her to face her actions, all you are doing is telling her it's okay to cheat, there will be no reprecussions. And then you go from being a nice guy to a door mat because you didn't stand up to her and show her that her infidelity has consequences.

 

Of course she doesn't want you to bring it up. But you were the one who was betrayed. You have a right to be upset and she should face the anger and distrust you feel towards her. She earned it.

 

If you let it drop, you will be posting on here again about the next affair, or that she left you for some guy at work that she was seeing behind your back.

[LucreziaBorgia]

she never really had a "crush" on me....she never really felt a strong physical attraction to me. Rather, I was the "nice guy" who had a bright future, great personality, and treated her well. She just never felt "drawn" to me in that way.

 

As long as this is an issue, she will continue to have affairs - or, at the very least continue to want to have affairs - regardless of any promises she makes to the contrary. She may have ended this affair, but she didn't change what led her to the affair in the first place - and it is what will lead her to stray again. This is something you should address in marriage counseling together.

[jmargel]

First get yourself tested for STDs. You have no clue what this guy has. She doesn't want to deal with the issue because something else may have gone on. Go with your gut instinct! I would demand marriage counseling, there is a reason why this happened. Like you said she never felt a 'crush' on you, is that what she told you? To me it's immaturity. What is going to happen next time you go and leave her for an extended period of time? Your mind is going to wander because you have no faith in her words. This will slowly destroy you if you don't get to the bottom of this. Don't let her control this issue here, she has done this to YOU. If you let her call the shots on this then you are in her eyes tolerating these things and it will get worse.

 

Are you certain she hasn't cheated on you before? I believe it's something you need to ask her. You are scared about rocking the boat? Buddy, the boat is being rocked and has for sometime. Letting her walk over you like this is going to be the demise of your marriage.

 

If you let this go she has NO consequences for what she has done. There are plenty of women out there that would love a great man. Don't make her your priority when you are an option to her. Don't be afraid to throw your voice at her and demand respect. I know it's easy to give advice when you are on the other side of the screen, however I am in a situation like yours. My wife talks tough but when it comes down to it she breaks when I call her bluff.

 

Do you really want to be in a marriage that is based on your mind wandering all the time and your feelings not being her top priority? Sounds like she's been running this marriage here. I've been reading a book 'Love must be tough' and it points out some really good things. You might want to read it. Don't lavish her in love or gifts. What would you do if your child misbehaved? Would you reward him? Hell no. Treat your wife like a child since that is what she's acting like. If she walks off then she was going to walk off anyway in the not so distant future. You are not going to gain respect by being sympathetic 'letting things go'. Make her face what she has done. Be stern about this, make this a priority. It's time for counseling and if she doesn't like it tell her, her other option is to leave. I can guanatee you this will wake her up. You have to believe in that.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I totally agree with JMARGEl. The chances are pretty great she had sex with him and I think you know it. She lied to you and by chance you happened to catch her.

Marriage counseling is a must. You cannot sweep this under the rug. She apparently had very little problem cheating on you and really does not show much remorse. How do you think she would be reacting if the roles were reversed?

I would certainly demand testing for STD's. She goes back to his place to relax after a drunken buzz and makes out and spends the night and you honestly think they did not have sex? Her lack of remorse is disturbing. She apparently sees you as a doormat and I am afraid that you are acting like one. She has been married to you only 1 1/2 years and already she has an affair behind your back? You need to open your eyes. There is something terribly wrong here. She has violated her marriage vows after a very short time. Her excuse that she didn't know why she did it is total bull****. She make a deliberate choice and did it a second time the next night and continued contact afterwards. If you accept this position then your marriage is doomed. Apparently she feels she can screw another man behind your back, not really apologize, lie to your face and still maintain a great lifestyle that you provide for her. What is wrong with this picture?

[jmargel]

One thing to mention here:

 

 

 

SHE DID CHEAT ON YOU. Her vows were to 'forsake all others'. She BROKE this vow when she was kissing him, sex or not!

[whichwayisup]

Then, 1 week later she revealed that the "set-up" date for her friend was really for herself to see if the spark of feelings/ attraction she felt for this guy during the sky-diving weekend was real or just a function of the sky-diving.

 

Married people aren't supposed to take an attraction and pursue it. Fine, she was attracted to the guy, big deal. Everybody at one time, married or not, may feel some sexual attraction for somebody else. Difference is they DO NOT ACT UPON IT or make time to find out if the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence. She broke her wedding vows. She did something very selfish and is not showing much remorse for her actions.

 

DO you know that she is over it? Do they keep intouch? You need to find out everything. She needs to be an open book and prove herself to you. Earn your trust back.

 

Get to marriage councilling. She needs to take full responsibility for her actions and show that she will never do this again.

 

Sorry you're going through this...

[Michael86]

I agree.....do not let this go. If you do, it has repeat performance written all over it. Marriage counseling is a good idea. And if she doesn't think so, too bad. She cheated and this has to be dealt with. I'd hate to see you have to go through this again.

[westernxer]

Stop being so nice... get angry!!!!!

[Marshbear]

The not knowing will eat you up if you don't get to the bottom of her actions. I agree that her telling you that she never had a crush on you is immature and just an excuse to do what she obviously wanted to do. Just because you see someone you are attracted to doesn't mean you take that attraction to the next level. We all see attractive people all the time but we don't act on it. I'm sure you see attractive women when your out of town but your marriage means something to you and you don't act on it.

You need to let her know that you will not tolerate this behavior. Tell her what you will not accept and make sure she knows what will happen if she strays. If you don't do this you will never be able to trust her again and the marriage is doomed.