Depression and relationships

[nom_de_plume]

I'm hoping some of you can help me out. I got married young - too young and too soon in retrospect. I was a depressed college student and chose the path that was the most comfortable. 10 years later, I'm still married. And while I love my husband, I often wonder if it's more of a friendship kind of love or it I truly love him and this is the depression talking. I find it difficult to differentiate between real thoights and reality. Hoping some of you could provide some good advice or jut stories of you ever been in a similar situation.

[basil67]

Or option 3: Is your 'friendship only' type marriage adding to your depression?

 

What type of help are you seeking for your depression? If you're still suffering symptoms, then there's still decisions to be made/work to be done. Get your head sorted out and then you'll have a clearer view of your marriage.

[todreaminblue]

when you say friendship are you guys intimate,if not, how long ago?....deb

[dichotomy]

If you have been suffering from depression this long, without major causes, then you should seek treatment.

 

 

Long term relationships, such as marriage, often goes through phases where you feel more like pleasant roommates or just friends. Heck - sometimes they go through phases where you can't stand them. All normal.

 

Ask yourself - if you divorced - if you were single (and no serious man in your life) would you be happier ? would the depression go away ?

[nom_de_plume]

I've suffered from depression since I was a teen and have been medicated since my early 20s. The current combination of drugs is the best I've been on but I still have my bouts. This is the only form of therapy I'm receiving. I'm not good at talking about my problems so it's very difficult to seek out that type of treatment.

 

We are intimate but it's just sex. I'm not the type to link love to sex so for me, it's just about satisfying needs. And I don't cuddle. I guess I'm like a guy. Lol I'm not physically attracted to my husband at this point b/c he's put on quite a bit of weight and won't do anything about it.

 

I have thought that I would be happier single and doing my own thing but the grass always seems greener on the other side. On the other hand, he's pretty much my only friend so I doubt I'd be as happy as I think I would be.

 

I guess it's also possible that this is just a normal phase of marriage and I'm overthinking it. It's hard to tell b/c I feel like my depression is lying to me.

 

For those of you who have gone through this phase in your marriage, I'm curious to read about your experiences and how long it lasted.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I'm probably your age but have never been married. From my perspective, having a strong foundation of friendship for your marriage sounds pretty great. Of course, its not the only componenet needed to make it work.

 

What do you think is missing from your marriage? You indicate you are not sexually attravted to your husband. I think the fact that youre still having sex is positive. If he made the effort to lose weight, do you think things would improve in that area?

 

Where are you guys at with other goals- careers, buying a house, starting a family, travel, etc. Do you have kids? Maybe youre in a rut if youre not progressing towards any personal goals. Conversely, maybe youre in a rut if some of those things make you exhausted.

[nom_de_plume]

I have sex for my own pleasure. I don't initiate because I can please myself better than he can but I still enjoy it. I just close my eyes and think of some men who do turn me on. But I think I'd definitely feel more attracted to him if he made an effort to be healthy. He's been at this size for a long time and, call me shallow, it's just unattractive. Physically, I'm very active and he's not active at all so the laziness that goes along with an overweight body is just a turn off. And he has his own interests - gardening, video games - so he's not sitting around being a lazy couch potato. He's just weak physically and doing outdoorsy things with him is a challenge because there's only so much he can handle before he gets tired and we have to turn around.

 

We're on the same page with both short and long-term goals so that's not an issue. I guess what I'm missing is that spark that I used to have when I couldn't wait to come home to him and spend time with him. Now I couldn't care less. I want excitement and my marriage just doesn't excite me. I'm always battling the incredible urge to pack my stuff and run away but I'd hurt him and I have responsibilities so I feel like I just suck it up and deal with it.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Is he aware of your feelings about his weight? Im assuming youre both relatively young... besides being an attraction issue, the extra weight cant be good for his health. How does he feel about it?

 

I think maintaining excitement in any long-term relationship is probably a challenge. You said that your goals are well-aligned- is there something you are working toward together as a couple that youre excited about? How about joint hobbies/ interests? Having a common passion could be helpful to help you feel more connected. Also, depression can make this more challenging, obviously, so thats something to keep in mind...