UPDATE Thread - Suicide Attempt / Psychiatric Treament

[LivingWaterPlease]

Belle, you wrote that your family is going to admit you to a psychiatric hospital in the morning, I believe. I don't know if you'll read this or not before you go in but decided to post anyway.

 

I was suicidal almost daily from the time I was fifteen years old. When my husband left me at the age of 37 I came very close to finally giving in to the urge to take my life.

 

When I decided to do it God spoke to me (not audibly but in my mind). He said to me,

 

"Go ahead, LivingWaterPlease, go ahead and die. Die to self and live for Me. Give up all of your hopes and dreams and live out the dreams I have for you. Give me your burdens, your sorrows and your griefs. I will carry them for you. There is nothing you have to do but to get to know Me." So that is what I did.

 

I began to read the Bible for the sole purpose of getting to know the God who wanted to take my burdens away and give me joy in return. Slowly I began to learn how to really live a life in which nothing ever goes wrong.

 

"That's impossible," you may say, "everyone has things that go wrong in their lives..." But, the truth is that when everything that happens to you can be turned around for your good (God can and does do this, the Bible says so in Romans 8:28 and He has done it for me) you have nothing to dread or fear.

 

There is a book that instilled in me great hope in my disheartening circumstances at this time. The book is out of print but you can purchase it used online. The name of the book is God Sent a Man and is written by the late Carlisle B. Haynes.

 

It's the true story of an affluent teenager whose brothers decided to murder him and how the murder was thwarted but he was then captured and put in a life of terrible difficulties yet was able by God's power and love to conquer and become a high level government official, all by serving God and trusting in Him.

 

This book inspired me to read the Bible to find God and God's purpose for my life.

 

Now, the girl (me) who always (for about twenty years) wanted to die lives a life of freedom, peace, and joy. I tell you this not to boast but to let you know what God can and will absolutely do for those who will allow Him into their lives as a close friend of His; it was as recently as Friday that a lady I'm acquainted with told me she wanted to have the joy she sees I have been given.

 

She can have it, too. And so can you, Belle. It is free and available to you.

 

I have prayed for you and plan to continue. Please feel free to PM me if you would like.

 

God bless and keep you, precious Belle.

Edited January 4, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[fireflywy]

Belle,

 

I know that you feel alone, I know that you're hurt, but the hurt is transitory, and everyone of us here who has written you words, loves you and sees you as worthy so please never feel less and never feel alone. We may not be able to hold you, go out to some local establishment for a chat, but we all fight next to you to give you encouragement and we all pray to give you strength. Others in your life and those waiting on roads you have yet to travel down, will too.

 

Please dont ever give up and let us know how you are doing.

[crazycanuck86]

I know what you're going through because I've been there myself. You don't need to end your life you need a change of environment.

 

You say you have frienamies dump them and get proper friends.

 

You say you don't like your job, get a new one.

 

You're done with your ex ok move on to someone else.

 

We all go through rough times, some more then others. So instead of being overwhelmed by what you can't change the focas on what you can

[ChickiePops]

Hi Belle,

 

I read here a lot but I never post..your thread inspired me to though. I am also 33 and I've also been struggling uphill for my entire life..except I don't have a supportive family to help me out. I also recently got out of a relationship to a man I was engaged to, also 5 years. I am also in a job with an abusive boss whom I loathe with every fiber of my being.

 

Our situations are so similar and I've had many of the same thoughts you have. But I can't kill myself. I just can't. I don't know if I'm just too scared or if there's something else I have to live for but I do think the fact that you have alerted both family and strangers on here to your thoughts means that you don't truly wish to die. I think it means there's something out there for you that you need to live for..you just have to find it.

 

I hope your family has checked you into psychiatric care but I also hope you're able to read here when you return, as there is so much love and support.

 

I don't really have any advice per se, but I can certainly commiserate, as it sounds like we are in very similar places. I want to send lots of hugs and support your way.

 

 

 

Love,

Chickie

Edited January 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BelleSkye]

To all Loveshackers - new and past posters.

 

Last year October was the start of a very difficult time in my life (in all aspects of my life - Love, Work, Studies, Family, Finances, Security *crime related* and Friends). Due to the stress and confusion of it all - I made a decision to 'run-away' to New Zealand...in the hope to have a change of scenery to distract me of the difficult time I experienced while living in South Africa.

 

The aim was to forget my ex, see if a family friend living in New Zealand was really going to help me out, start my career over and have a more active life-style. So I left to NZ in November 2015.

 

In January 2016 - I posted a thread on a way to commit suicide taking spiritual rituals into consideration as I was scared of experiencing 'more pain'... just in case there is an afterlife. The pain of all the failures and lack of contentment at that point of my life made me think that suicide was the only way out.

 

I think I sent some LS posters in a spin, including the mods. The over-whelming response and support I got over LS left me with more guilt and confusion (I never really wanted to kill myself - but thought it was the most dignified thing to do because of the lack of support and resources I had in real life)...

 

The end result was me having a nervous breakdown and being admitted for psychiatric care while I was in NZ. Due to this - I was not granted my EOI visa and had to return to South Africa for treatment. I was relieved in a way as I felt extremely isolated and not at ease with my surrounds. Staying at the clinic was also detrimental to my savings - granted my distant family helped to pay some of the costs, it still caused a lot of anxiety in me. The anxiety of being in hospital was only relieved when it was confirmed that I was going back to South Africa.

 

I arrived 19th February in South Africa. Since then - even more stressful situations came about.

 

When I arrived in SA, I had to wait a week before I could fly to my parents home city as all the flights were booked (some Ultra / music concert was taking place that week). A 'friend' offered me a place to stay until my flight date. Then the irony starts - said friend gets jealous that her boyfriend kept visiting her while I was around. This led her to ultimately end our friendship (just so she could see if he would still visit her when I was not around - mind you, he left her in January and he only started seeing her again when I was back in South Africa, staying at her place). Out of spite, she even threw away one of my expensive shoes while I was sleeping her excuse was that I was an inconvenience to her lifestyle (even though she offered me a place to stay until I could get my flight back to my home city ) I was pretty much at her mercy then to stay in the bedroom by myself for a few days before my flight to avoid any contact with her or her boyfriend.

 

Added to this - a few more so called friends said that they would help me out for an interview in Johannesburg. As the interview date was nearing - everyone stopped taking my calls (everyone was apparently too caught up with the Ultra Music Concert) (I needed a lift to the interview and also, just to confirm the interview venue and time)...eventually, I take a very expensive Uber trip to the interview which landed up being an unfortunate job opportunity (insurance sales with no basic salary).

 

A few days later - I finally made it back to my home city.

 

I am still suffering from PTSD - which is effectively treated with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in conjunction with some prescribed psychiatric meds. Unfortunately, no one in South Africa is suitably qualified to treat PTSD with CBT. Added to that, I do not have medical aid so for now, I cannot visit a psychiatrist to assist with anxiety medication (Public health does not offer CBT and out-patient psychiatric treatment). A GP gave me some urbanol but that did not help much. To get medical aid - I need to get a job, so I have spent the past 2 months looking for a job, while still suffering from PTSD.

 

My symptoms are -

*traumatising / vivid nightmares,

*anxiety and panic attacks,

*no appetite,

*massive weight loss,

*screaming randomly when confused or being disorientated,

*depression about taking a step back in life, lack of support from both family and friends, and from loneliness,

*bitchiness and lack of enthusiasm for anyone else's happiness (engagements, birthdays, promotions etc), and

*being careless and reckless (not caring about my MSc Research proposal, driving in dangerous areas / taking dangerous routes to get to home etc.....).

 

When I am awake - I constantly am surrounded with people with double standards which creates a lot of resentment and bitterness in me.

When I sleep - I consistently have nightmares of my ex and past corporate experience...also, when I sleep - it is for 16 hours at a time.

 

Alone time has been spent learning a new skill (learning to code) and learning a new piece on the piano...but that too makes me even more upset as I constantly learn to play pieces to match my mood - JS Bach Air in G String is becoming a cliched taunt to my breakup. Also, when I practice - the piano is placed in a very central part of the house so I am constantly disturbed or distracted. Lands up being a bit more frustrating than therapeutic.

 

I'm also so alone Loveshackers....I do not want to start to date until I sort out my own social circle and financial situation. I attended a few meet ups for single women only. Unfortunately, these women only attend the meet-ups to give their boyfriends / husbands 'breathing space' and do not have time for friendship other than to attend random meet-ups here and there.

 

My free coding classes does not occur as regularly for me chat with the ONE other lady that also attends

 

It took me three months to muster up some strength to come back onto LS. I cringe at reading some of my earlier posts - especially when I see how I tried to put some humour into them - or find the humour in the stressful situations - all I can see is that I'm trying to be happy but it just can't happen without a valid reason.

 

Throughout it all - I have not taken up any habits (drugs, alcohol, smoking, casual sex etc) and wondering if I have the basics in control - why can't I still get it right.

 

I went for an interview last week - supposed to get feedback today or tomorrow as to whether I start work on Wednesday or not. The salary is not the greatest but its something at least so I can get medical aid. The position is a stressful role (managing a team of 15 people) and requires extensive engineering / project management experience....my anxiety is going up as I am realising my job responsibility.

 

From everything I wrote - I still find my break-up and past work experience as the most stressful components to everything I have been through. The nightmares haunt me and the thought of my ex moving on still kills me inside.

 

I'm praying and trying to maintain some social skills and sanity over here on LS.

 

I wish I had something more positive to share - more concrete steps on how to make it better. But for now, this 'small' update will have to do for now.

 

P.S. parents are not that well financially so they can't help with treatment. Dad gets verbally abusive at times (mostly for me to clean up the dogs mess - he asks me to do the tasks at the most inconvenient of times), mum acts condescending, younger sister too caught up with her boyfriend and my dog loves everyone

Edited May 9, 2016 by BelleSkye

[TaraMaiden2]

Please don't think for a single instant that I am treating your situation flippantly, in any way shape or form, but in your shoes, I'd take myself to a Buddhist Temple/Monastery, and ask if I could work there, stay there, do anything - to get support and assistance in perceiving this chaotic suffering you're going through, in a different light, and from a better perspective.

 

I moderate another forum, which is Buddhist. We have more than one member who has psychological/psychiatric issues - and Buddhism has been their lifeline and saving grace.

 

It's not an easy option: It's hard work, and not a simple 'way out'. A couple are still on medication, under doctors - but they recount just how much their lives and mental states have improved since beginning to absorb Buddhist teachings....

 

I wish you well, and much Metta.

Blessings, TM.

[BelleSkye]

Hi Tara(M2)

 

Thank you for the advice - there are unfortunately, no Buddhist temples nearby and with my financial constraints (bond / home loan repayments) I have to hold out for this job. We do however have something called the 'art of living'....it's some meditation group that occurs around SA so will use that following as a substitute recommendation for now.

[TaraMaiden2]

I will never proselytise - never have, never will. But if you need any type of discussion or pointers, and you have questions, please feel free to PM me. Time difference allowing, I will always get back to you ASAP.

[BelleSkye]

I will never proselytise - never have, never will. But if you need any type of discussion or pointers, and you have questions, please feel free to PM me. Time difference allowing, I will always get back to you ASAP.

 

Thank you - that means a lot to me. I will definitely take up your offer. If you don't mind me asking what is the time where you are now?

 

It's 10:50am, Monday morning here....think I'm ahead by 8 hours?

[TaraMaiden2]

Actually, it's 09.50 here... looks like even though there are miles between us, geographically, we're just one time-zone apart....!

 

I will say I am just about to head for work (I start at 11.00, but have some errands to run) and will be back this evening, probably around 7pm or so....

[BelleSkye]

No problem - thank you so much. Enjoy the day - message you later

[MrBojangles]

Belle, believe me when I tell you that better days lie ahead for you. Despite the challenges you now face, you can and will conquer them. Just remember that there are plenty of decent people here on LS that truly care about you. Though we may be faceless strangers, we are always here for you.

 

**HUGS**

[Els]

I'm so sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you, and that your EOI was denied due to psychiatric treatment. I think you would have had better chance getting good anxiety care in NZ than in SA (although it's possible that returning to a place where your friends and family are was a better step for your anxiety than CBT).

 

Do carry on with the coding classes, and if you have time to spare, try putting them to use by making real programs using the languages you have been taught. Who knows, you might actually get a job through that avenue too.

 

I hope things pick up for you. {{hugs}}

[Trinity_84]

I tried to kill myself when my first love left me. The pain was unbearable. I cut my wrists and then took some pills. Neither of those worked, and thankfully, because I pressed on and eventually traveled to places I only dreamed about, met some amazing people, started my dream career and eventually met another man that loved me better.

 

My point is, you just never know what the future will hold, do you? Why miss out on finding out? You're only going to be on this planet for what, 80-100 years, tops? SO much can change and will happen in that time. Life gets better, but IF and only IF you press on with a positive mindset and love in your heart.

 

I hope OP is doing better.

[Papiyon]

First I want to thank you for being so candid about what you have been experiencing. It takes a brave and strong person to say “I need help!”. Secondly, I want to commend you on maintaining as best as you can without resorting to unproductive self soothing methods such as drugs, alcohol, or sex to manage. You are a strong individual and definitely a fighter! I hope that in your prayers you’re able to acknowledge that you are far from weak—you are indeed determined and will attempt to put your best foot forward no matter the circumstances. You my dear are a survivor!!! Sounds like at present you have made the best decision you can. I know ideally living with your parents is not what you envisioned but this is temporary. This can very well be the support you need in this time of much needed clarity. You mentioned you would like to seek some proper professional help. I’m not familiar with SA and the mental health services they provide, however, I do recognize the importance for you to feel you are receiving the best help possible. Maybe you can contact a Focus counselor at no cost to you. They provide free phone licensed consultation. Maybe they can provide more information specifically to your needs. Their contact number is 1-855-771-HELP (4357). I hope this helps! In the meantime keep pushing and keep fighting BelleSkye. You are here for a reason! Who knows, maybe someday you will be able to help someone who is experiencing what you have endured and conquered!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers concerning employment and your mental and emotional wellness.

[BelleSkye]

I will never proselytise - never have, never will. But if you need any type of discussion or pointers, and you have questions, please feel free to PM me. Time difference allowing, I will always get back to you ASAP.

 

Hi TaraMaiden

 

Can't seem to PM - are your settings set onto private?

[TaraMaiden2]

silly me....

 

All clear, fire away....