Somebody needs to take care of my MIL

[DreamP]

My mother-in-law is 75. Works a full time blue collar job (so taxing on her physically). She is a hoarder and her house is a disaster. There are bags of garbage everywhere because she can't take the trash out. She lives in a 2-story house but can barely climb a stairways. I'm afraid she will fall down one day. She has difficulty walking. I have told me husband a million times for the past few years that she needs to retire, her house needs to be fixed, somebody needs to take care of her regularly and her assets needs to be planned. But neither him or his siblings do anything. We live 30 minutes away. What can I do! I feel like it is not my place to step in with these decisions plus my MIL wouldn't listen to me. If this was my parent, I would not be letting her live like this.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly you can't do anything other then continue to talk to your spouse. Perhaps offer him a plan but she's his mother. You're heart is in the right place but unless she is deemed mentally incompetent there isn't anything you can do. Even then one of her children will become guardian, not you.

[Tayla]

usually a person with this condition has ocd. Contact a local chapter for guidance in services available for your mil.

The fact that she lacks family support to confront and assist in her ailment is concerning.

 

Usually a hoarder has attachment issues ... Taking anything away from them without their consent is equally discouraged. This is their way of control...

 

I can only imagine how hard it is at 75 to still live pay check to paycheck... A third party ( non judgmental) professional may be able to guide her. Check some online groups that are geared to support for family and the adult with this condition.

[DreamP]

usually a person with this condition has ocd. Contact a local chapter for guidance in services available for your mil.

The fact that she lacks family support to confront and assist in her ailment is concerning.

 

Usually a hoarder has attachment issues ... Taking anything away from them without their consent is equally discouraged. This is their way of control...

 

I can only imagine how hard it is at 75 to still live pay check to paycheck... A third party ( non judgmental) professional may be able to guide her. Check some online groups that are geared to support for family and the adult with this condition.

 

When I say she is a hoarder, she is not like the people on those TV shows. She just has a pile of stuff she bought for grandkids that she never gets around to giving. She is not going to get buried in junk. And the reason she had trash is because she can't walk to the garbage to throw out bags. So she doesn't need professional help in that sense.

 

But the house is damaged due to other reasons (water damage) that needs fixing. One of the bathrooms doesn't work. There is dog piss from when she had animals. She is embarrassed by the state of the house and won't let people in. Over the years, I have been able to help with a few items but she really needs to have a total renovation.

 

She gets social security so she doesn't NEEDS to work but she spends all her earning on stupid stuff for kids/grandkids. I can't control her spending. Her kids need to do that. I just don't know what I can do.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe express your concern for your OWN future to your husband based on the way that he is not looking after his own mother since that's usually a pretty strong indicator of how he will treat you.

[GunslingerRoland]

You can't make someone retire. Sounds like she is of sound mind still (hoarding is surprisingly common).

 

 

But you can maybe look into some housing options that won't require her to use stairs anymore and can be a downsize, forcing everyone to go through the stuff.

 

 

Also when someone is still working at that age, the reason is usually: 1) Poor and still need the income. 2) No idea what to do with their time. 3) Doing a meaningful job they don't want to leave.

 

 

What is the reason in this case? Understanding that may help to find out how to transition her to a retirement. For example if it's #2, then maybe a less physical volunteer position might be more appropriate.

[d0nnivain]

Suggest to your DH that all your extended family -- him, you, his siblings, any grandkids who are old enough to pitch in -- go over there & clean mom's house, paint & do whatever. Had you posted this a week ago I would have said that would probably be the best mother's day present she could ever get. Don't wait 'til next year.

[DreamP]

You can't make someone retire. Sounds like she is of sound mind still (hoarding is surprisingly common).

 

 

But you can maybe look into some housing options that won't require her to use stairs anymore and can be a downsize, forcing everyone to go through the stuff.

 

 

Also when someone is still working at that age, the reason is usually: 1) Poor and still need the income. 2) No idea what to do with their time. 3) Doing a meaningful job they don't want to leave.

 

 

What is the reason in this case? Understanding that may help to find out how to transition her to a retirement. For example if it's #2, then maybe a less physical volunteer position might be more appropriate.

 

I've had the discussion with my husband and his siblings. Everybody nods their heads but nobody actually does anything. My problem is not that I don't know what to do, it's that I am not the child and I can't get the actual children motivated to actually do anything.

 

She works because she wants the money. Retiring would be downsizing and no more spending sprees. She doesn't have to work. Her job is not a good one.

[bathtub-row]

It's not your place to decide what she needs to do with her life. If she wants to risk falling down the stairs and killing herself, then that's her option. If she wants to keep working a hard job and keep her house like a pig sty, again, her choice. Let her live and die as she chooses. If she ever becomes incapacitated, then a decision will need to be made.

[mrs rubble]

How about a working bee? Select a date that's likely to suit the majority of the family and simply organise for everyone to turn up and pitch in.

Taking the rubbish out seems like a fairly minor problem, what's stopping you from taking it out for her?

[bathtub-row]

How about a working bee? Select a date that's likely to suit the majority of the family and simply organise for everyone to turn up and pitch in.

Taking the rubbish out seems like a fairly minor problem, what's stopping you from taking it out for her?

 

The problem with this idea is that hoarding is a deep phychological disorder. They are VERY attached to their stuff and the mess that's around them. Often these people have gone through some type of horrific incident, which usually involves severe abandonment, a parent's death, etc. Messing with her stuff is somewhere in the ballpark of you walking up to her and putting your hands around her throat.

 

I'd recommend that everyone just leave her alone. She feels safe the way she is. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to get people like this to change, especially at her age. Her junk and her job are her security. If that's taken away, she will most likely have a meltdown. Her life is her business. If she reaches a point where she can no longer take care of herself, then the family will need to step in.

[whichwayisup]

My mother-in-law is 75. Works a full time blue collar job (so taxing on her physically). She is a hoarder and her house is a disaster. There are bags of garbage everywhere because she can't take the trash out. She lives in a 2-story house but can barely climb a stairways. I'm afraid she will fall down one day. She has difficulty walking. I have told me husband a million times for the past few years that she needs to retire, her house needs to be fixed, somebody needs to take care of her regularly and her assets needs to be planned. But neither him or his siblings do anything. We live 30 minutes away. What can I do! I feel like it is not my place to step in with these decisions plus my MIL wouldn't listen to me. If this was my parent, I would not be letting her live like this.

When I say she is a hoarder, she is not like the people on those TV shows. She just has a pile of stuff she bought for grandkids that she never gets around to giving. She is not going to get buried in junk. And the reason she had trash is because she can't walk to the garbage to throw out bags. So she doesn't need professional help in that sense.

 

She IS a hoarder. There are varying degrees of this disease and eventually she WILL be like those on the tv show.

 

Ask her if you can come help her throw stuff out, help organize, throw out garbage, or hire one of those junk companies to come in and throw stuff out. Then watch her reaction.

 

Your husband and his siblings, you and their spouses ALL have to get involved and help her.

[DreamP]

She IS a hoarder. There are varying degrees of this disease and eventually she WILL be like those on the tv show.

 

Ask her if you can come help her throw stuff out, help organize, throw out garbage, or hire one of those junk companies to come in and throw stuff out. Then watch her reaction.

 

Your husband and his siblings, you and their spouses ALL have to get involved and help her.

 

It's not that I don't know what to do, it's that her own kids won't get involved. I can't just tell my MIL that I am hiring a dumpster. Her own kids need to tell her that and do it diplomatically so she doesn't feel like we are throwing out her life. She herself agrees that the house needs to be cleaned. She is embarrassed and won't let me help. But she listens to her kids.

We did it once before: one kid talked to her, another kid set up the time for me to go in the house and I spent a day going through some old stuff. That is when i discovered the closet full of shopping bags filled with stuff for grandkids. I ended up taking a bunch of the stuff and giving it to my kids. That is not the problem. She doesn't hoard because she has an issue getting rid of stuff. She hoards because she doesn't have the physical ability or time to give stuff away.

[DreamP]

It's not your place to decide what she needs to do with her life. If she wants to risk falling down the stairs and killing herself, then that's her option. If she wants to keep working a hard job and keep her house like a pig sty, again, her choice. Let her live and die as she chooses. If she ever becomes incapacitated, then a decision will need to be made.

 

I disagree. That is what family is about. If I can't see the issue myself, then I wish I have good family and friends who would point it out. That's like saying "it's his life to be an alcoholic, we shouldn't interfere." Being a family is being there for each other, helping out, pointing out when we are making mistakes. This is ever more important when we put ourselves in situations when we can't help ourselves.

 

My MIL can always say no. It's not like I am forcing her to do something she disagrees with. But she needs help and something to gently force the issue.

[Emilia]

I disagree. That is what family is about. If I can't see the issue myself, then I wish I have good family and friends who would point it out. That's like saying "it's his life to be an alcoholic, we shouldn't interfere." Being a family is being there for each other, helping out, pointing out when we are making mistakes. This is ever more important when we put ourselves in situations when we can't help ourselves.

 

My MIL can always say no. It's not like I am forcing her to do something she disagrees with. But she needs help and something to gently force the issue.

You shouldn't interfere with alcoholics either, that's called enabling.

 

She is an adult and you should respect that. Her children know and they want her to have her peace. I'm sure you mean well and this is why they aren't giving you a hard time but clearly everyone - including your MIL - feels that she should be allowed to live her life. It's not your place to interfere.

 

It's incredibly patronising and controlling that you seem to think she is 'making mistakes' and she 'can't help herself'. She clearly doesn't feel that way. 75 is not that old and the fact that you think she should be gently forced is actually a bit disturbing.

[carhill]

Is she a danger to herself or others? How long has she been continuously employed?

 

Her connection is as your husband's mother, with all of you being long independent adults.

 

Apparently, your perspective regarding family involvement in each others lives varies from that of your husband. You've made your opinion known. If this is part of a larger issue in your marriage, that could have play here, meaning your H generally ignoring what you view as well-meant advice or concern.

 

At this point I'd observe and document just in case something adverse occurs. One never knows what information will be valuable in securing her health and safety. I did the caregiving thing and went through a lot of this stuff. It's not easy. My exW went in the opposite direction, generally ignoring the whole dynamic. IMO, balance is healthiest. Hope you find what works for you.

[DreamP]

Is she a danger to herself or others? How long has she been continuously employed?

 

Her connection is as your husband's mother, with all of you being long independent adults.

 

Apparently, your perspective regarding family involvement in each others lives varies from that of your husband. You've made your opinion known. If this is part of a larger issue in your marriage, that could have play here, meaning your H generally ignoring what you view as well-meant advice or concern.

 

At this point I'd observe and document just in case something adverse occurs. One never knows what information will be valuable in securing her health and safety. I did the caregiving thing and went through a lot of this stuff. It's not easy. My exW went in the opposite direction, generally ignoring the whole dynamic. IMO, balance is healthiest. Hope you find what works for you.

 

She has fallen a few times and ended up in the hospital. Once at work and once at home. So yes, she is in danger.

 

It's not that the family disagree with me. They just don't take initiative. A few years ago, my husband took over her finances. Actually, he gave it to me. She was drowning in credit card debt. We had to bail her out. Any time something financially bad happens in this family, everybody looks to us to bail them out. And when we say no, we are the bad guys. Basically, they wait till things are really bad.

[carhill]

Yep, falls happen. Document, document. I usually would bring in the paramedics, even if transport wasn't indicated, so their assessment was on the record. Also, they observe living conditions as mandatory reporters. Tricky business, dealing with independent elders. I had to get advice from my lawyer along the way.

 

Does she have health care and financial POA's in order?

 

What is she cooperative on? Does she respond positively to your H?

 

Since she lives 30 minutes away (heh, that was similar to my situation, initially), how does she respond to visits?

 

The key, IMO, is securing trust and cooperation to advance care and safety. Once deceit and/or force come into play, meh, it gets tough for everyone. IMO, your H should be point on this, at least from your family, and voluntarily. If he doesn't, well that's on him. He'll carry the results in his memory for the rest of his life.

[DreamP]

You shouldn't interfere with alcoholics either, that's called enabling.

 

She is an adult and you should respect that. Her children know and they want her to have her peace. I'm sure you mean well and this is why they aren't giving you a hard time but clearly everyone - including your MIL - feels that she should be allowed to live her life. It's not your place to interfere.

 

It's incredibly patronising and controlling that you seem to think she is 'making mistakes' and she 'can't help herself'. She clearly doesn't feel that way. 75 is not that old and the fact that you think she should be gently forced is actually a bit disturbing.

 

Are you telling me you have never told a family member that they are making a bad decision or help them make the right choice? Have you never offered help to somebody when they desperately are in need of help? Would you walk right by an injured person on the road because they didn't ask you specifically for your help? Would you watch a family/friend drink too much and then get behind the wheel and not say a word because it would be "patronizing and controlling"? Maybe you work that way, but I don't. When my friend is in an abusive relationship, I tell her to leave her husband. I even offer all the help I can provide. When my friend is going on shopping sprees and then whining to me about not being able to pay the mortgage, I give her some financial planning advise. I'll even connect her with the right services to help her. Why even have friends/family if you are not willing to help them.

 

Besides that point, I think you have completely missed my story. My MIL is not disagreeing with my suggestions. She desperately wants to clean her house. She wants to work less and spend more time with her grandkids. She wants to give away all those things she bought for her grandkids. She is just too embarrassed to ask for the help and also, it has to be done her way.

 

Old is a matter of perspective. When you can't walk up the staircase in your house, then something needs to be changed. When you can't even walk, you can't be working in a job that requires you to stand for 8 hours. When you start getting disoriented and seem out of it, then yes, she is old.

[bathtub-row]

It's not that I don't know what to do, it's that her own kids won't get involved. I can't just tell my MIL that I am hiring a dumpster. Her own kids need to tell her that and do it diplomatically so she doesn't feel like we are throwing out her life. She herself agrees that the house needs to be cleaned. She is embarrassed and won't let me help. But she listens to her kids.

We did it once before: one kid talked to her, another kid set up the time for me to go in the house and I spent a day going through some old stuff. That is when i discovered the closet full of shopping bags filled with stuff for grandkids. I ended up taking a bunch of the stuff and giving it to my kids. That is not the problem. She doesn't hoard because she has an issue getting rid of stuff. She hoards because she doesn't have the physical ability or time to give stuff away.

 

Then she's not a hoarder and that's an entirely different dynamic.

[carhill]

OP, does your MIL live in an older neighborhood with many two story homes? If so, well, often older neighborhoods have longtime residents like your MIL passing on and the house is encumbered with a generally expensive device which your MIL could use to assist with mobility and could be obtained at often very reduced cost, a stairlift. Alternatively, since she's cooperative, if not already done, a lower level room could be fashioned into a bedroom. Does MIL sleep in a bedroom or in a chair or on a sofa?

 

Since MIL isn't disagreeing or substantially resisting, then it's a matter of the path of addressing your concerns and it sounds like that rests solely with your H.

[GunslingerRoland]

You shouldn't interfere with alcoholics either, that's called enabling.

 

1) It depends on how you are interfering. You should interfere with an alcoholic, supporting them and covering up their mistakes for them is enabling.

 

 

2) I don't really see the link between dealing with an alcoholic and dealing with an aging parent. Two very different scenarios. At some point whether it's now or next year, or in 5 years, they will have to start making decisions for the mother. That is part of old age. This is why we all should have living wills and powers of attorney and all of those fun documents.

[whichwayisup]

It's not that I don't know what to do, it's that her own kids won't get involved. I can't just tell my MIL that I am hiring a dumpster. Her own kids need to tell her that and do it diplomatically so she doesn't feel like we are throwing out her life. She herself agrees that the house needs to be cleaned. She is embarrassed and won't let me help. But she listens to her kids.

We did it once before: one kid talked to her, another kid set up the time for me to go in the house and I spent a day going through some old stuff. That is when i discovered the closet full of shopping bags filled with stuff for grandkids. I ended up taking a bunch of the stuff and giving it to my kids. That is not the problem. She doesn't hoard because she has an issue getting rid of stuff. She hoards because she doesn't have the physical ability or time to give stuff away.

 

Then don't give up and keep talking to your husband. It's HIS responsibility as her son to get involved and help her. Even if the others don't help, someone has to! In many families there's usually one sibling who does most of the looking after elderly parents. It's time for your husband aka her son to step up to the plate and give her the help she needs.