Feeling desperate

[abandonallhope]

Hello - this is my first post and thread, I'm feeling somewhat apprehensive, to say the least, but I need advice.

 

Can I also just say that I know I am a truly awful, selfish person for what I have done, and am doing, so whilst you may want to post negative comments and abuse, I am hoping for a bit of constructive advice from some of you, if at all possible.

 

My situation is that I have been married for 15+ years and been together with my wife for 20+, since college, we also have kids. My wife is a great person, selfless and caring, she is liked by just about everyone. The relationship and marriage was good at first, but I found myself increasingly feeling unfulfilled both emotionally and physically, we grew apart and spent less & less time together with less and less in common, I have had two affairs over the past 7 years.

 

Earlier this year, my wife discovered that I had been having an affair for 2 years with a work colleague. It was an incredibly intense affair, although I suppose everyone says that, and my wife doesn't know the full extent of this affair or the previous one. I know I should be honest with her but I think the extent of my infidelity would be a crushing blow from which we would never recover so why put her through that unless absolutely necessary?

 

When I was found out I was consumed by guilt and wanted to make things work - but I couldn't bring myself to completely end things with the woman I was seeing (although we stopped the actual physical affair) and only did this some weeks afterwards. Even then it was probably more her than me who ended it, I am ashamed to say.

 

Several weeks passed during which time we avoided each other as much as we could (which is very difficult as we work closely together and see each other just about every day). But I found I continued to miss this woman very much, more and more so in fact – I really am in love with her, not just attracted to her. It feels like we have very similar views on life, similar interests and I enjoyed her company so much. She really is amazing and I loved spending every moment I could with her. I am not someone who finds it easy to be open with people; I have few friends for example, but with her it was completely different, I was more honest with this women than I had ever been with anyone in my life.

 

My wife during this time continued to have a really hard time getting over the affair, expressing a lot of anger and grief, understandably. I was supportive but inside I was wondering if this was what I really wanted.

 

A couple of weeks ago we came back from some time away, where my wife and I argued a lot and I really thought that was the end of things - I thought the right thing to do was leave. But despite thinking that my wife felt the same way, she announced that she now felt ready to move on, at least in part, and wanted us to start to recover. I know this must have been incredibly hard for her to do, and I know I don’t deserve her loyalty and determination to make things work between us.

 

But, I just don't think that I can do this - of course I feel immense shame and guilt for what I have put her through, but I don't know how we can recover what we had or anything like it having grown so far apart. Our marriage has only ever involved us growing further apart, I can't see how we would reverse that movement, let alone find the level of reconciliation necessary to heal. Physically, I am also having a really hard time even imagining that I will want her again. I also know that whilst I am not honest with her completely about the affair, this will be even more difficult, especially given that I see this other woman so much in work and I really don't want her to leave her job or me to leave mine for that matter.

 

I know I owe it to my wife and my kids to try, but I feel it is a lost cause and still desperately miss the other woman. This woman I am worried has moved on from our relationship, and I wouldn't blame her for this of course - but I want to be with her and feel that if I leave now this might just be possible. I know the chances of that relationship working are slim, before anyone points that out but I really do think we would have a chance, I don’t want to be in an affair with her anymore, I want to have a life with her - even the prospect of losing her fills me with dread.

 

I have started counselling - which has been positive and is a new experience for me - I'm hoping that will help but I feel so low, confused, guilty and miserable. I don't know what the right thing to do is - stay and try to make things better for the sake of my family, I stayed before and it didn't improve at all or even show signs that it could be better - leave and be alone or try to establish a proper relationship with this woman that I love, despite all the odds against us.

 

I am worried I am staying out of guilt when all I want to do is be with this other woman. I also know that it can't be a decision between the two scenarios - I have to leave or stay without it being about this other woman, but that is really hard to do in reality. If I am honest I think I have already decided what to do I just want to make sure I do it for the right reasons.

Edited May 9, 2016 by abandonallhope

[d0nnivain]

Since you have a counselor, discuss these concerns with that person. You will be better served taking the well thought out advice from a licensed professional who is training to help you then from a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet.

[Disillusioned_2011]

I would be completely honest and tell your W everything. The reason why you left out details and minimized the extent of your A is - most probably - that you weren't ready to deal with your W's anger and disappointment. Many WS claim that they want to protect their BS, from further hurt and whatnot, but I don't buy it. It's for your own protection. That's advice number one. Number two: tell her the whole truth, because only then will you be able to completely deal with the issue. And it also gives your W the opportunity to decide whether or not she's still willing to work things out. She might not. If she's no longer willing to be with you after she knows the full truth, you're free to leave. Good for you. And you won't be in that never-ending state of what ifs, either. If, however, she's STILL willing to reconcile after she knows the full extent of your A, including the duration, the extent of lies, the fact that you're still in limbo, the fact that you're unable to cut ties, etc., then you can - if YOU are ready and willing - create a new, solid M based on the full truth, respect (you would have demonstrated a lot of respect toward your W by trusting her enough to not keep her in the dark), commitment and honesty.

 

How old are your kids? Does the OW have kids?

 

P.S.: Your W was still hurt during your getaway, hence the fighting. It's not easy to recover from a DDay. She wants you to feel her pain. You're supposed to be her confidante, her husband, her most important sounding board, after all. Understand why she wasn't all lovey-dovey during your vacation. It's a normal reaction and it takes time. That doesn't mean she's not able to forgive. Kudos to her that she made up her mind and gave you the benefit of the doubt. Now do the right thing and be upfront with her. Don't sugarcoat and support your W emotionally as well as you can, whether you decide to stay together or not.

[BuddyX]

You can't stay in the marriage without full transparency and NC with the OW. It doesn't matter what your shrink tells you. It starts with Honesty.

[privategal]

I know you feel guilty but if you arent in love and desiring your wife I think divorce is a viable option.

People who are no longer happy divorce all the time.

You'd need to have the desire and the love and WANT of staying there.

It seems you do not lack the right answer but yet you lack the courage to ve true to yourself and just serve her the papers.

[elaine567]

But, I just don't think that I can do this - of course I feel immense shame and guilt for what I have put her through, but I don't know how we can recover what we had or anything like it having grown so far apart. Our marriage has only ever involved us growing further apart, I can't see how we would reverse that movement, let alone find the level of reconciliation necessary to heal. Physically, I am also having a really hard time even imagining that I will want her again. I also know that whilst I am not honest with her completely about the affair, this will be even more difficult, especially given that I see this other woman so much in work and I really don't want her to leave her job or me to leave mine for that matter.

 

I know I owe it to my wife and my kids to try, but I feel it is a lost cause and still desperately miss the other woman. This woman I am worried has moved on from our relationship, and I wouldn't blame her for this of course - but I want to be with her and feel that if I leave now this might just be possible. I know the chances of that relationship working are slim, before anyone points that out but I really do think we would have a chance, I don’t want to be in an affair with her anymore, I want to have a life with her - even the prospect of losing her fills me with dread.

 

I do not think you can tell your wife everything, every gory detail, if your intention is just to leave her and I think that is your intention here.

Reconciliation is very hard work even with both parties fully on board and as you heart isn't in it, it would be cruel to string your wife along.

I think you know the risks of trying to make a go of it with the OW, it may not work out, but here I think you probably need to try.

Your marriage is essentially dead from your POV, and has been for some time, so I see no point in giving your wife any more false hope.

Fake, false and failed reconciliations are heart breaking, so better to just make a clean break.

Make sure you are fair to your wife and your kids, try to be the best father you can be and try to make it all as smooth as possible for all concerned.

[ladydesigner]

I do not think you can tell your wife everything, every gory detail, if your intention is just to leave her and I think that is your intention here.

Reconciliation is very hard work even with both parties fully on board and as you heart isn't in it, it would be cruel to string your wife along.

I think you know the risks of trying to make a go of it with the OW, it may not work out, but here I think you probably need to try.

Your marriage is essentially dead from your POV, and has been for some time, so I see no point in giving your wife any more false hope.

Fake, false and failed reconciliations are heart breaking, so better to just make a clean break.

Make sure you are fair to your wife and your kids, try to be the best father you can be and try to make it all as smooth as possible for all concerned.

 

This^^^ Fake R is about as bad as it gets. Your wife will feel just like you in no time!

[ShatteredLady]

Does your wife know about your first affair? What happened there?

 

2 affairs & false reconciliation is so brutal.

[Jersey born raised]

One of the hardest things for a BS to endure is watching the WS mourn the loss of the AP. While it is unfair on many levels, it is also human to do so. At the very least you owe it to your wife to walk away from the AP at this time.

 

There are several very good threads on this board you should read. The 180 and while it is meant for the BS, it's purpose is to help them to detach, which you need to do with your AP. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

The other is to help you understand what your spouse experiencing. Use it to gain insight into helping them heal. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

Edited May 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
On-topic content

[oldshirt]

Other than guilt and shame, why would you want to remain married to your wife when you have already had one affair and have been involved so much with the current OW?

 

 

At two years, I would not even call that an affair - that is an alternate life.

 

 

I have been married to my wife for 20 years so I am at somewhat of the same place you are in terms of longevity and child-rearing etc. If I found out my wife had an affair several years ago and now was in love with someone that she sees daily and is broken hearted and pining over him and she is only staying in the house because of guilt and shame, I would choose to end it. Why would someone want someone with them that was only going through the motions because of guilt and shame.

 

 

I personally do not believe that guilt and shame are the proper foundations to try to build a marriage. Guilt and shame suck and are miserable, but I do not think they are the framework for a happy and healthy marriage.

 

 

I think you are making a deeper mistake by trying to stay. You are trying to correct one wrong by making another wrong.

 

 

I think your wife is also making a mistake by trying to reconcile this. But the difference is she does not have all the facts. She is not making an informed decision because she is only aware of the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

She is fighting a battle she cannot win and she doesn't even know what she is up against.

 

 

Let's face facts here - you are in love with another woman and want to be with her. You are only paying lip service to staying and trying to work things out at home out of guilt and shame and are trying to make it look good.

 

 

That is going to end up causing everyone prolonged pain and suffering and this runs so deep I do not think there can be a light at the end of the tunnel or any kind of happy ending here.

 

 

If you were to take away the guilt and shame, would even want to stay with your wife?????

 

 

If the best it could ever be was the day before you started your affair(s), would that be good enough to keep you in the home if that was how it was going to be forever?????

 

 

If your answer to those questions is 'no' then I see no sound reason to stay.

 

 

If you know deep in your heart you do not want to remain in your marriage with your wife, then IMHO you should end it as cleanly and as cooperatively and fairly as possible and then move on with your own life, whether that would include the OW or not.

[oldshirt]

I know some people are so pro-marriage and so pro-reconciliation that they will passionately disagree with me, but I do not think this situation is reconcilable in it's current state.

 

 

For a true reconciliation and rebuilding of a post-infidelity to occur, a number of things must happen.

 

 

The top of that list is the WS has to sincerely want to have a life with the BS as opposed to the AP and be willing to step up and do all the heavy lifting to right the wrongs and to rebuild the trust and rebuild the marriage. The WS must have true, sincere remorse and actually believe that what they did was wrong and a mistake and be willing to do whatever it takes to fix that mistake.

 

 

Then there is the laundry list of complete NC for life (even if it means a new job) , complete transparency, discosure blah blah blah.

 

 

None of that is the case here. You are in love with the OW and want to be with her. You are in daily contact with her and it is eating you alive not being with her.

 

 

At some point you are going to hold your wife and marriage responsible for keeping you from the OW and that will build bitterness and resentment.

 

 

As a married person, I can not think of a more inhuman torture than to have my spouse bitter and resentful towards me for keeping her from her love of another man. That just seems nothing less than cruel.

 

 

I don't see how this can end well in it's current incarnation.

 

 

Perhaps if you left both women and moved out into your own place and went NC with both women and just maintained a relationship with the children and did your own thing for a year or so, maybe the affair fog will clear and you will at least have clarity and have a clear, sober brain.

 

 

There is a good chance both women will have either moved on or will at least want nothing to do with you by then but at least you will be living a true life.

 

 

From there you would be able to move on with your own life without as much baggage and chaos.

[NTV]

You ever think you aren't connecting with your wife because you aren't being honest with her?

 

It's probably really hard to trust that someone loves you when you think they don't know who you are.

 

Might be that your guilt and shame are keeping you from fully investing in the marriage and that's the source of the disconnect.

 

Course I could be projecting. Idk. Plus who am I? Just a stranger on the Internet.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You are only an awful, selfish person if you stay with your BS when you don't want to be with her. Give her a chance to find someone else who wants to really love her. I felt just like you when I was married to my exH. I met someone and felt everything you feel (which btw, is pretty standard stuff). I'm not downplaying it, it is extreme emotions. I was unhappy already and I left and got divorced. It was the right thing to do. Today he is remarried with kids and I guess happy. We were unhappy together, so I believe I did the right thing. For me, it did not work out with xMM. He did leave but its hard to start a new relationship from an affair. You don't trust each other, there is just a lot of bad blood. Still, I made the right decision, I went on to date for 3 years and eventually married my husband. We've had our problems, affairs on both sides, but we are committed to working it out. We both told each other everything, which is a necessity - and you have to want to be there.

 

JMHO

[Mr Blunt]

Everything about your posts tells me that you are going to leave your wife and family. You think that you know the pain and guilt that you will have but you do not and it will get worse. You are abandoning your children and betraying the whole family. You are thinking like a 13 year old teenager because your emotions get a spike with this OW. You are acting like a stooge.

 

 

You are a stooge because you think this OW will always excite you like your wife did once. Even if this woman gets together with you (Big doubt) you will not have those 13 year old emotions after you live with her for 5-10 years. Also, if she cheated with you she is very capable of cheating on you. You will have to see reality in that 5-10 years (if it last that long) and also be living with the knowledge that she did not stop herself from hurting your innocent children and having unconcern for your wife. In short your OW is a selfish cheater as you are also.

 

 

No one is going to stop you from leaving your wife and harming your children so if that is your final decision then have at it.. You already lowered your Integrity and respect for yourself for what you have done so how do you think your children are going to feel about their dad choosing a selfish adulterous woman over them?

 

 

Betrayers like you sugarcoat the reality but a least I gave you a little bit of truth. You asked for constructive advice so here is mine. Get all the help that you can so that you can see reality and change your 13-year old emotions so that you can stop damaging yourself and your children.

 

Telling you the truth can be constructive if you choose to act on truth rather than your selfish 13-year-old emotions.

Edited May 10, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[abandonallhope]

Ok so as expected a lot to think about here and thank you to all those people who tried to offer some insight and constructive comments, I will try to process them but it is good to know not everyone here just wants to remind me how awful my decisions have been, and what a selfish idiot I am.

 

A number of people have talked about complete honesty and no contact (I think) - and I understand why you are saying both are essential. But I really do struggle to see how complete honesty will help if it means that the marriage would be over as a result, surely that will just create more bitterness and resentment when we would still have to co-parent, and rewrite the last seven years of our time together - I know this would be more truthful but how would that help?

 

And on the point about no contact, again I appreciate that for people trying to save their marriage this is what should happen, but it really isn't straightforward here. We both have good jobs and would find it hard to find comparable opportunities. Neither of us wants to leave, we work really well together - if we really can't work together then so be it but I'm just not prepared to do that at present. Perhaps that just confirms I need to leave my wife as I can see how that looks like I am choosing my job over my marriage... I just have to believe that there is a better way.

 

I also realise that I haven't given the full background - apologies for that but my first post seemed very long already, and I know that this further detail will only open me up to much more abuse. I have already thought about leaving and got close on a couple of occasions - once last year and once after I was found out earlier this year. In the case of the latter I even went as far as finding an alternative place to live. But I couldn't go through with it - I got so close but then couldn't bring myself to leave. Much of this was due to my children, who are fantastic in every way and don't deserve a broken home - the thought of the hurt they would experience terrifies me.

 

It was at this point that the other woman completely ended things - seeing that I couldn't take the final step. At this point I thought I would try to work on my marriage, but I just can't seem to commit as per my original post. I know that what I am doing at the moment is the most painful scenario for everyone concerned and the most selfish - I am hoping the counselling will help give me the courage to see through my decision and put it into action.

[abandonallhope]

You ever think you aren't connecting with your wife because you aren't being honest with her?

 

It's probably really hard to trust that someone loves you when you think they don't know who you are.

 

Might be that your guilt and shame are keeping you from fully investing in the marriage and that's the source of the disconnect.

 

Course I could be projecting. Idk. Plus who am I? Just a stranger on the Internet.

 

I have thought about this and it is quite possibly true. I know I am holding back a lot, and 'playing a part' with her rather than being completely honest about who I am and what I have done. We don't even argue really, at least not until recently, and when we are with together as a family, everything seems good - noone could tell we have such problems. I just don't know if I can get beyond these feelings to reconnect or even if I really want to. Don't get me wrong, I wish I had never been unfaithful and fallen in love, but part of me thinks that the marriage was always going to fail at some point as we had grown so far apart.

[Midwestmissy]

You are incredibly selfish. You want the intact family and wife appliance plus the lover. You're not entitled to this, and your wife and kids deserve better. It was hard for you to move out so you didn't? Boo hoo. You know what's harder? Living with a liar who is using you. What you're doing is emotional abuse, plain and simple. You are a big baby - you don't want to give up your wife, kids home job lover. How special you are to be entitled to all that you want. You chose a new life. Let your wife have the settlement and custody arrangement that she wants. If you get sad because of it, call your girlfriend and cry to her. These are consequences that you set in motion.

 

A real man stands up for his family, does the right thing - like divorce, make sure your responsibilities are taken care of, before moving on to the next relationship. It's excruciating to read how torn up you are about all the tough decisions you have to make. But you chose this path, at least do the right thing by the family you're leaving in a lurch.

[loveboid]

If you're concerned about failing in your relationship as you did you in your marriage I would look up happy, long term couples and hear the advice they give. After being married 50 years you can clearly see that they are still madly in love, spend all of their time together, are interested in each other...etc. etc. The number one thing is compatibility.

 

Also success isn't possible without failure. And there's a saying, that failure is just feedback. Take this situation as a sign that you should learn more about love and become a student of people who are really good at it. Love is a skill. Learning more will give you courage.

[wmacbride]

The reason to be honest with your wife is a simple one.

 

She deserves to know that this isn't her fault, and that she had a "cheater" for a spouse. When I say that, I am not trying to run you down, but rather presenting the reality of the situation.

 

From what you say, this is not your first A, as you have had two in the past seven years. That is not a fluke or a mistake, but it is indicative of a deliberate course of action. For whatever reason, it is something you are okay with, though you may deny that to be the case. If you didn't find it acceptable, at least on some level, you wouldn't do it.

 

Knowing this will give your wife the opportunity to let go of a lot of guilt she could otherwise carry with her, and this is not fair to her at all. If you were unhappy in your marriage, you had options and courses of actions you could have taken, and you chose to have affairs. This doesn't make you a horrible person, but it is a part fo who you are.

 

Let your wife go , but before that, stop being a coward and give her the gift of the truth. You are not hiding it because you want to keep from hurting her or from hurting your children- you've already done that. Man up and be honest.

 

One more thing. From what you say, you are in therapy, which is an excellent idea. One topic you might want to address moving on into the future is why , on some level, you see affairs as an acceptable choice. Do you really feel okay about being in a long term rleationship with just one person, or are you more suited to being with more than one person at once? Both have good and bad points, and it's the honesty with yourself and any future rleationship partners that will make the difference.

[NTV]

You say you don't know why you should tell the truth if it will end the marriage?

 

 

I am unsure what's the best way to answer this for you. I could give you a list of all the reasons why it would benefit your family, your future, society in general, social perceptions of you, or of men in general. But I don't think that would help you.

 

 

The best reason you I think you should tell the truth is because it's not to late to change who you see yourself as.... what kind of man do you want to be?

[Liam1]

Abandonallhope:

 

You said:

 

I was more honest with this women than I had ever been with anyone in my life.

That is typical in affairs, and a lot of people make this claim.

 

But the reason, many times, but not all, is that this woman is not your wife, and you need not worry about exposing your soft emotional self to her for fear she may lose respect for you or see you as too emotional.

 

That part would MOST likely not survive a REAL relationship, like a marriage.

 

With that said, I agree about not telling you wife everything. It may put images in her mind she can never erase.

 

I think it's best to only answer vaguely regarding the sexual aspects, and only if she asks.

 

With that said, IMO, if you are pining after this OW, you need to hide that from her because that is most likely incredibly painful for the loyal spouse.

 

I had an affair, but I did not love my FOW and I did not pine for her. But when I had my affair, I purposely selected an OW I already knew I could not love.

 

My wife and I were and are very companionable, but at the time of my affair, she and I were also moving apart emotionally and physically and living separate social lives, but that can change, If you want it to.

 

My marriage has improved since my affair ended. Both my wife and I got counseling and we both took a good hard look at the part we BOTH played in the breakdown in our marriage.

 

If you once loved your wife, IMO, you can find your way back to that, if you try.

 

It takes two to make a marriage fail and two to make it work.

 

I know you said your wife is selfless and wonderful, but it sounds as if you have put her on a pedestal. No one is perfect.

 

If you once loved your wife, obviously something is missing, and you are getting that something from the FOW, and that something caused a change in your feelings.

 

I am glad you are getting counseling.

 

 

 

Hello - this is my first post and thread, I'm feeling somewhat apprehensive, to say the least, but I need advice.

 

Can I also just say that I know I am a truly awful, selfish person for what I have done, and am doing, so whilst you may want to post negative comments and abuse, I am hoping for a bit of constructive advice from some of you, if at all possible.

 

My situation is that I have been married for 15+ years and been together with my wife for 20+, since college, we also have kids. My wife is a great person, selfless and caring, she is liked by just about everyone. The relationship and marriage was good at first, but I found myself increasingly feeling unfulfilled both emotionally and physically, we grew apart and spent less & less time together with less and less in common, I have had two affairs over the past 7 years.

 

Earlier this year, my wife discovered that I had been having an affair for 2 years with a work colleague. It was an incredibly intense affair, although I suppose everyone says that, and my wife doesn't know the full extent of this affair or the previous one. I know I should be honest with her but I think the extent of my infidelity would be a crushing blow from which we would never recover so why put her through that unless absolutely necessary?

 

When I was found out I was consumed by guilt and wanted to make things work - but I couldn't bring myself to completely end things with the woman I was seeing (although we stopped the actual physical affair) and only did this some weeks afterwards. Even then it was probably more her than me who ended it, I am ashamed to say.

 

Several weeks passed during which time we avoided each other as much as we could (which is very difficult as we work closely together and see each other just about every day). But I found I continued to miss this woman very much, more and more so in fact – I really am in love with her, not just attracted to her. It feels like we have very similar views on life, similar interests and I enjoyed her company so much. She really is amazing and I loved spending every moment I could with her. I am not someone who finds it easy to be open with people; I have few friends for example, but with her it was completely different, I was more honest with this women than I had ever been with anyone in my life.

 

My wife during this time continued to have a really hard time getting over the affair, expressing a lot of anger and grief, understandably. I was supportive but inside I was wondering if this was what I really wanted.

 

A couple of weeks ago we came back from some time away, where my wife and I argued a lot and I really thought that was the end of things - I thought the right thing to do was leave. But despite thinking that my wife felt the same way, she announced that she now felt ready to move on, at least in part, and wanted us to start to recover. I know this must have been incredibly hard for her to do, and I know I don’t deserve her loyalty and determination to make things work between us.

 

But, I just don't think that I can do this - of course I feel immense shame and guilt for what I have put her through, but I don't know how we can recover what we had or anything like it having grown so far apart. Our marriage has only ever involved us growing further apart, I can't see how we would reverse that movement, let alone find the level of reconciliation necessary to heal. Physically, I am also having a really hard time even imagining that I will want her again. I also know that whilst I am not honest with her completely about the affair, this will be even more difficult, especially given that I see this other woman so much in work and I really don't want her to leave her job or me to leave mine for that matter.

 

I know I owe it to my wife and my kids to try, but I feel it is a lost cause and still desperately miss the other woman. This woman I am worried has moved on from our relationship, and I wouldn't blame her for this of course - but I want to be with her and feel that if I leave now this might just be possible. I know the chances of that relationship working are slim, before anyone points that out but I really do think we would have a chance, I don’t want to be in an affair with her anymore, I want to have a life with her - even the prospect of losing her fills me with dread.

 

I have started counselling - which has been positive and is a new experience for me - I'm hoping that will help but I feel so low, confused, guilty and miserable. I don't know what the right thing to do is - stay and try to make things better for the sake of my family, I stayed before and it didn't improve at all or even show signs that it could be better - leave and be alone or try to establish a proper relationship with this woman that I love, despite all the odds against us.

 

I am worried I am staying out of guilt when all I want to do is be with this other woman. I also know that it can't be a decision between the two scenarios - I have to leave or stay without it being about this other woman, but that is really hard to do in reality. If I am honest I think I have already decided what to do I just want to make sure I do it for the right reasons.

[Lois_Griffin]

I know in your world it's the ALL ABOUT YOU Show 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Everything is about your broken heart and your inability to feel close to your wife and your inability to ever be physical with her again and your inability to stop thinking about your OW and your need to be happy and on and on and on.

 

I can only assume you think you're quite the prize if you're considering martyring yourself to stay with your wife and choosing to be so unhappy because you're in love with your OW. You're not doing your wife ANY favors hanging around. Who the hell WANTS someone around who thinks he's doing you some big favor by staying with you? I sure wouldn't and I don't think your wife is so desperate that SHE'D settle for that hogwash either.

 

Get a divorce. Let your wife eventually find someone who'll love her and respect her the way she deserves. Why should she just settle for the half-assed offering you're bringing to the table?

[gemini6]

A number of people have talked about complete honesty and no contact (I think) - and I understand why you are saying both are essential. But I really do struggle to see how complete honesty will help if it means that the marriage would be over as a result, surely that will just create more bitterness and resentment when we would still have to co-parent, and rewrite the last seven years of our time together - I know this would be more truthful but how would that help?

I'll tell you how it will help..it will give your wife full knowledge and let her be able to make a decision based on full truth - instead of half truths and lies. She deserves to have that choice with full knowledge - see, she will most likely decide that you are not worth staying with, not worth devoting herself to, not worth the pain and mistrust that she will have to carry...why would you be? AND, believe me, after 20+ years, she probably feels the drag and boredom as much as you do. Here's the thing, when you open yourself up completely and tell the truth, when you allow yourself to be 100% vulnerable to your wife, it actually strengthens the bond between the 2 of you...she will at least have an ounce of respect that you decided to shed the coward that you have been...who wants to be with a coward? who wants to be with a man that can't own up to his ****? Who wants to be with a man that is "in love" with another woman? Who wants to be with a man that only stays because of guilt or kids??? See, you are not only a selfish coward here, but you are also denying your wife of making life decisions based on truth - it's really really not fair to her - you've already done the damage, man up and own your crap! Take what you've got coming and at the very least show your wife an ounce of respect and give her the full truth, it's the least you can do. If you want to leave and be with the other woman then by all means go...don't be a coward and keep your wife on the side and in the dark, that's beyond loathsome

How does this OW stand to be with such a coward? How does she have any respect for a man that would not only cheat on his wife and kids but also sneak lie and hide like a sniveling little coward...geez, where do you guys find these women? Women that want that kind of man? Yick! If you were my H, I'd toss you at the OW so fast her head would spin...she can have that scared little boy too afraid to own up to what he's done - GAG! I'm sure your wife will be more than ready for a real man, one that actually has integrity and self respect. Good luck and please, get a divorce, save your wife from the pain of a fake R and you pining away for another woman. It's the LEAST you can do for the woman!

I can only assume you think you're quite the prize if you're considering martyring yourself to stay with your wife and choosing to be so unhappy because you're in love with your OW. You're not doing your wife ANY favors hanging around. Who the hell WANTS someone around who thinks he's doing you some big favor by staying with you? I sure wouldn't and I don't think your wife is so desperate that SHE'D settle for that hogwash either.

Exactly Lois! Hogwash!! Some prize alright...pfft!

Edited May 10, 2016 by gemini6

[Arieswoman]

abandon all hope,

 

You need to either $h!£ or get off the pot.

 

I know I owe it to my wife and my kids to try, but I feel it is a lost cause and still desperately miss the other woman.

 

So why do it and let your wife down yet again?

 

 

This woman I am worried has moved on from our relationship, and I wouldn't blame her for this of course - but I want to be with her and feel that if I leave now this might just be possible.

 

So just pack your bags and go.

 

Good luck

[elaine567]

How does this OW stand to be with such a coward? How does she have any respect for a man that would not only cheat on his wife and kids but also sneak lie and hide like a sniveling little coward...geez, where do you guys find these women? Women that want that kind of man?!

Actually she didn't stick around, once she found out he couldn't leave his wife for her. He couldn't take that step, so she bailed.