new here - leaving MM

[lilajane]

I've been lurking here for a month or so and have found the info shared here very helpful. I'm married and have been involved with a MM since last November. I've been married almost 20 yrs and I have a teenager. I've never cheated. I met a MM through a volunteer job and we hit it off, best sex ever, chemistry that I'd never known, which sounds like the same story I see posted here repeatedly.

 

My marriage sucks and I'm biding my time until the kid is launched and there are some other complications in the way of me getting out of this. It's not too bad, but gets emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive in cycles and I know I need to leave, but have been getting used to this idea. Money is an issue as well.

 

MM is not the type of man I'd ever been attracted to. But he is by far the best lover I've ever had. Our volunteer gig closed 2 months ago and now he ignores me, is too busy, basically the same pattern I see posted here. Why in the world do they want relationships and then neglect the relationship? Are they sex addicts, going through their guilt cycles? He goes 7-10 days without a peep and then when I say something about getting ignored, he is nice enough to keep me around. I mean, why bother keeping me here if you don't have an interest in maintaining a relationship?

 

Anyway, I got a text from him asking for computer help. I helped him, then asked why he is so quiet and was told he is in the middle of something. He is always in the middle of something, too busy, picking up a kid or whatever. So I texted back: Fine, I'll just go back to being irrelevant. Then he told me to stop. There was back and forth of him saying something harsh, then a nicer explanation, then me saying I don't want to be ignored anymore.

 

I'm reading the NC info now. I'm very grateful. I wish I knew about how MM are before. I never would have done this. I was just really desperate to have those feelings again. Honestly, I never thought I would again. I guess I thought love hormones were just something for teenagers. I do think the intensity is about the absence and not being able to have the other person.

[carhill]

Married folks and single folks are individuals, and vary in temperament and psychology. When you've seen one MM, you've seen one MM. The same would apply for yourself, as a MW, a type of woman I have a lot of experience with. Each was/is different.

 

Since each association is voluntary, including your respective marriages, people engage until they desire not to. That desire, or lack, isn't always mutual and IME is rarely mutual, timing-wise. Hence, one person is on the 'cared less about' end. Kinda sucky but that's how it goes.

 

IMO, the best way to handle the leaving part is cold-turkey. Say goodbye if you must but, regardless, end contact, block or change contact information and move on.

 

Reading your post, your narrative of your marriage reminds me of numerous MW's and, generally, very few left their M's. The combination of social stuff, children and lifestyle kept them in the marriage game. However, some did continue to seek attention and validation or whatever else was lacking in their M's from others. It worked for them.

 

Welcome to LS.

[ChickiePops]

What were you expecting from this affair?

[ConfusedCloud]

I just want to say - don't stay in a marriage just for the kid's sake until they reach 18. That's just an excuse you're using. My mom said the same thing, and it made our home lives a living hell until they finally divorced and I was so relieved not having to deal with the awful tension in my household. She was also having an affair. So don't say you're staying in a crumbling marriage just until the kids reach adulthood. You need to be honest with yourself, honest with what you want, and weigh what is truly best for all involved.

[sandylee1]

He didn't want a relationship...he just wanted easy sex. You gave it ...he took it...you enjoyed it.

 

Now the volunteer gig is over..it's harder and too much effort to see you. When you text you come over as too needy. He doesn't want emotions..he has that wife his wife.

 

I imagine he is busy with family life as he says. I'm sure you don't expect him not to tend to his kids or wife because of you.

 

He may have moved on to his next affair...your unlikely to have been his first.

 

We're you expecting a long term affair?

[BuddyX]

"He may have moved on to his next affair...your unlikely to have been his first"

DING DING DING. Bingo

[NTV]

If your kid doesn't need a whole family when they turn 18 they don't need one at 17...or 16... or...

[lilajane]

I am not willing to leave my marriage yet. I’ve been a major contributor to building our nest egg and the timing has to be right. I am neglected, like most women who file for divorce. We are more like roommates. I am very lonely in this marriage and would like to seek a real partner who actually likes spending time with me, shares some interests and gives me some attention. I’m just not ready to jump yet.

 

MM was upfront about multiple affairs. I’ve not caught him in a lie. Everything he’s told me has checked out. His wife has a debilitating illness that affects her ability to be intimate. I’ve met her and know that she is ill and has chronic pain. He was clear that he would never leave her. I was/am perfectly OK with having a purely sexual relationship. I don’t consider myself needy. He agreed to a phone call a week, mostly to arrange the hook-ups. I never get it. I know I get the best of him when we are alone together and I know there are many things about him that I couldn’t live with. I’d be ok with a set day/time each month where we have our escape and I knew when it was coming and could look forward to it. It’s the uncertainty and being ignored all the time that is too painful to deal with. It’s like I’m having an affair with someone who isn’t having an affair with me.

 

My volunteer gig was his 3rd job and it took a lot of his time. He had plenty of time for me when he had 3 jobs. Now that he has 2, suddenly, there is no time. His main job is an hour + commute. He has about 2 hours per day that he is alone in his car and could call me, but he chooses not to. I even asked him if it was hard to call, knowing I’d want to hook up and he’d have no clue when he could get away. He said that wasn’t it. Still don’t know why he doesn’t want to talk once a week.

 

I wouldn’t expect him to tend to me when he is with his family. I just got tired of the cycle where I text him, get ignored, express my dismay, then receive his guilt-induced conversation. It’s not a cycle that I want to be part of. Believe me when I say that I really don’t want to be in an affair with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. I already have a marriage like that. I thought maybe he was trying to get me to break up with him. But when I attempt to separate, that’s when I get lots of attention, the best hook-up. I suspect he has some form of ADHD, which I suspected he had long before the affair. Out of sight, out of mind. Then my separating brings it back for him. Or when he sees me. I’ve tried to see it that way, push him out of my mind and go with the flow. For some reason, this waiting game has become painful. I don’t have it in me to be incommunicado for weeks at a time, wondering if he is going to call today.

 

I really didn’t have any expectations for the affair. It just happened. It felt good knowing he was there and thinking about him and our time together. But I knew when I’d see him and when we’d talk when we worked together. Now, I just wait. Most of my texts are ignored. The few texts that aren’t ignored get an answer like “sorry, I’m driving daughter” or “I had to work a double.” All I asked for was a call a week. But the only contact I get is guilt-induced by me initiating it. I call when I know he is driving home from work. He rarely answers. It’s a work phone, so it’s not even the wife finding the records that he is concerned about. And he can’t explain any of this. He just changes the subject when I bring it up.

 

He’s confided in me that his past affairs ended from this same situation of feeling neglected. I can’t get him to talk to me about this pattern. But I definitely know the feeling. What is the point of having this non-affair? Really, there is none. I’m grateful for him waking up these feelings in me and I try to focus on what he’s given me. I don’t regret this. I have wonderful memories of being with him. It’s probably not something I’d do again, though.

[BuddyX]

He wants Sex, nothing more. He doesn't want to talk to you. Pretty sure he has great conversations with his wife. He might not be intimate with her, but they still talk. If it was bad, he would've left her.

 

Every time you call, I can guarantee he's rolling his eyes thinking "Her again".

 

You're getting the mandatory string along call/text so he can stroke his ego and you can stroke his....

 

Go NC, or this will blow up in your face.

[carhill]

Since you're OK with a purely sexual relationship and are firm in your desire to remain married until a time of your choosing, I'd suggest building a roster of associations, and/or finding other outlets than this particular MM so as to mesh better with his apparent desires. A single guy who isn't interested in any sort of commitment might be a good fit if you don't mind him dating other women.

 

IMO, evaluate for collateral damage to your M, family and/or social circle, as well as personally, make a decision and move forward. If things don't match up with this MM, OK.

[Storm warning]

Hi OP!

 

Are you committed to going NC? That defiantly sounds like the best way out of this situation. Do you think MM will become cranky and contact your H? If so how would your H respond if he found out?

 

What would be the hardest thing for you NC? In the past what particular triggers made you want to reach out to MM? Eg. H being emotionally abusive, bad day at work ect.

 

Maybe if you can find another way to escape it will be easier for you to stick to NC. It defiantly sounds like your more reliant on him then he is on you.

 

I am nearly out of a similar situation so wishing you all the best!

[sandylee1]

Find another AP or go on the multiple affair websites to get a willing partner. You'd get inundated with messages as women on these sites do. No strings sex will appeal to many men.

 

Buddy was right. You're good enough for sex when HE wants to hook up. Perhaps he feels you're getting invested in him and he's pulling back. You're already saying you don't want to be lonely in an affair ... but he doesn't want to fill your loneliness. He's just fine. His wife is ill. ..his sex is zero limited ..... and he's not calling you to hook up. What does that tell you? He's not interested in hooking up with the same frequency that you are or he's got someone else to satisfy that need.

 

He wants to contact when he wants to. Why do you think the other affairs ended ? He probably gets bored with the same person after a short while. He is the best sex YOU'VE had .... but he's likely had many adventurous women and he prefers the variety.

 

Start not giving a damn... by not calling or texting him.

 

You can get good sex elsewhere. Preferably with a single man where you only ruin one marriage in the process.

[privategal]

He is done with the A.

He is a coward and doesnt want to deal with your emotion if he breaks it to you.

So he is trying to frustrate you enough to end it by giving you next to nothing so you will just leave on your own.

[elaine567]

YOU are a fwb and many men like to call the shots in that type of arrangement, so he calls when he is horny and you oblige, that is how it works, he is in control.

YOU calling for sex or dictating the terms is not the game he wants to play.

When you disappear, he blows up your phone as one) he probably enjoys a bit of a chase and two) he doesn't want to lose the arrangement all together.

 

YOU are looking for a OM to fill the sexual and emotional needs your husband doesn't fill, but this man doesn't want an affair, he just wants sex with no hassle, he basically wants a free prostitute, as he is not getting any sex at home, so he is definitely the wrong choice of affair partner for you.

[lilajane]

I'm not sure I'd want to start another affair. Would probably be best just to get through the end of my marriage, be alone and casually date singles for a while, then get into something when I'm ready to.

 

He did finally call me and I got something out of him. He said that there are some things going on in his family he didn't want to confide in me, didn't want to bother me with and doesn't want to use me as a confidant. He wants to keep things separate. It has to do with lawyers and trying to get disability for his wife and then him dealing with her flare ups. OK. He said it's hard for him to hear that I miss him and want to get together when he misses me too, but doesn't have anything to offer as far as a hook up time, so he avoids calling me. He said he doesn't want me to end things, but if I needed to, he understands. He asked if it would be ok to call me when things get more predictable on his end.

 

He seems sincere. He was very kind and sounded sad. I told him to give me at least a month of seeing what it was like without contact and I'd let him know if I was still interested and see if his schedule had improved. He seemed relieved and agreed. So I'm going to try life without an A, without worrying about him, and then decide. I appreciated that he didn't just jump to making risky plans with me, as was his reaction in the past. We had a good, open conversation, finally. Perhaps I'm naive, but I really don't think there is anyone else and I believe him. We both like our sexual affair, but he doesn't have time for it. I know that there is a big burden on caregivers of chronically ill spouses. Sounds like he could use a meeting, but is handling his jobs and also most of the domestic work, due to his wife's disability. The SA is his escape too, but it's not possible right now. It still hurts, but I do feel better than just ghosting him. He really does mean a lot to me to just disappear out of his life without some closure. I do feel better knowing the reason.

[NTV]

I was just really desperate to have those feelings again.

 

 

 

So was having an affair worth it?

[lilajane]

So was having an affair worth it?

 

I believe it was. It was worth it to experience the best sex I've ever had, sex that I didn't even know was possible. I'd been dead inside way too long. He made me feel alive again. I felt really safe when I was with him. He made me feel pretty, sexy, desirable, smart, and many things that I hadn't felt in a long time. He reminded me who I am. I'm grateful for that. I probably always will be.

 

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.”

[BuddyX]

You don't need permission to go NC.

And no, he does not own a monopoly on great sex. He made you feel special, but you weren't the only one.

Wish you luck. But doubt you guys can manage 3 days NC.

[Southern Sun]

YOU are a fwb and many men like to call the shots in that type of arrangement, so he calls when he is horny and you oblige, that is how it works, he is in control.

YOU calling for sex or dictating the terms is not the game he wants to play.

When you disappear, he blows up your phone as one) he probably enjoys a bit of a chase and two) he doesn't want to lose the arrangement all together.

 

YOU are looking for a OM to fill the sexual and emotional needs your husband doesn't fill, but this man doesn't want an affair, he just wants sex with no hassle, he basically wants a free prostitute, as he is not getting any sex at home, so he is definitely the wrong choice of affair partner for you.

 

Yep. He wants total control and no obligation. Exactly.

[ChickiePops]

I believe it was. It was worth it to experience the best sex I've ever had, sex that I didn't even know was possible. I'd been dead inside way too long. He made me feel alive again. I felt really safe when I was with him. He made me feel pretty, sexy, desirable, smart, and many things that I hadn't felt in a long time. He reminded me who I am. I'm grateful for that. I probably always will be.

 

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.”

 

Why do you have to hurt other people to make yourself feel better?

[whichwayisup]

You have feelings for this MM and he has none for you. He is very able to separate love and sex. He loves his wife, his family life and has no intention in emotionally investing in you or any other woman. He invests emotionally in his wife and since she is unable to have sex due to her on going illness, he looks elsewhere for it on the side. It really is that plain and simple. He's not looking for anything serious or long term.

 

He distances himself from you once the deed is done and doesn't want to get sucked into any drama or deal with your emotions. That's why he ignores your texts.

 

Either accept the A as JUST an affair, a sexual release, no emotions, no attachments or expectations OR stay away from him completely.

[NTV]

I believe it was. It was worth it to experience the best sex I've ever had, sex that I didn't even know was possible. I'd been dead inside way too long. He made me feel alive again. I felt really safe when I was with him. He made me feel pretty, sexy, desirable, smart, and many things that I hadn't felt in a long time. He reminded me who I am. I'm grateful for that. I probably always will be.

 

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.”

 

 

 

To be fair, I think you would be a lot better off and feel a lot better if you divorce. I think your reasoning for not doing it is fear based. Are you really the type of person to not do something you know you should just because you're scared?

[lilajane]

If I leave, we won't be able to support our sons goals financially. He has an elite skill that gives him international attention. It costs tens of thousands a year for training and travel. My whole income supports it. There will be a payoff for him in the future. I need to wait until he doesn't need this support anymore and is settled in his profession. Once he finds his place, the last thing I need to do is put all that drama on him. My parents divorced when I was in college. I almost dropped out and barely made it though that year. I don't think it matters when the parents divorce, but to have to throw a wrench in my son's plans, well, I can't do that to him on top of breaking up the family. I'll wait. And pretend.

 

I'm being vague about what we are supporting for our son on purpose. I don't want too many personal details here. Hope you understand.

[whichwayisup]

If I leave, we won't be able to support our sons goals financially. He has an elite skill that gives him international attention. It costs tens of thousands a year for training and travel. My whole income supports it. There will be a payoff for him in the future. I need to wait until he doesn't need this support anymore and is settled in his profession. Once he finds his place, the last thing I need to do is put all that drama on him. My parents divorced when I was in college. I almost dropped out and barely made it though that year. I don't think it matters when the parents divorce, but to have to throw a wrench in my son's plans, well, I can't do that to him on top of breaking up the family. I'll wait. And pretend.

 

I'm being vague about what we are supporting for our son on purpose. I don't want too many personal details here. Hope you understand.

 

So would you be willing to talk to your husband about having an open marriage? Each of you can do as you please. just don't bring someone home ever. Because if your husband finds out you're cheating he might just up and leave, file for divorce.

 

It is very possible too that your son is aware of the home dynamic between you and your husband, divorce may not be the worst thing or devastate his future emotionally.

[lilajane]

I've been in NC for a couple weeks. At first, it felt like I was constantly being punched in the stomach. But when I finally found the word to describe what I've been dealing with, it's gotten somewhat easier. I keep watching this video when I feel bad or I miss him. If the F-word bothers you, please move along. But this is what I've left behind. No idea why I'm so dense I need to keep reminding myself. I feel like a damn cat. Ignore me and I'm all over you. That's how he played me. I guess I was a very insecure target and ripe for the picking. Nonetheless, it's been quite a learning experience.