pooldog Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 Cute video thx for sharing. Welcome to LS and congrats on NC! I've been in NC for a couple weeks. At first, it felt like I was constantly being punched in the stomach. But when I finally found the word to describe what I've been dealing with, it's gotten somewhat easier. I keep watching this video when I feel bad or I miss him. If the F-word bothers you, please move along. But this is what I've left behind. No idea why I'm so dense I need to keep reminding myself. I feel like a damn cat. Ignore me and I'm all over you. That's how he played me. I guess I was a very insecure target and ripe for the picking. Nonetheless, it's been quite a learning experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilajane Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 I think the majority of MM's can be classified as F*@%boys. I think this to the point that the MM acronym should just be changed to FB. Seriously. As I come out of the fog, I really can't explain how I could ignore so much disregard, emotional abuse and just plain ol disconfirmation. I've made a list of all of the really messed up things he's done, from not texting me back, to letting me think that his wife found out (when she hadn't), to lying about not being at work, to telling me his dad was in ICU, just to get out of a date, etc etc etc. Why do we only pay attention to the good things? I feel like a meth addict. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 This made me lol too because my MM also pretended his wife found out. Why I have no idea what he wanted to achieve with that!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilajane Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 This made me lol too because my MM also pretended his wife found out. Why I have no idea what he wanted to achieve with that!! f#$%boys like drama, apparently. The lies got so easy to see, due to how dramatic they were. I'd be at his work parking lot, looking at his truck and then texting him to ask if he was at work and wanted company and he would tell me he was at the ICU because his second cousin's kid was in ICU. Or that he was at a funeral, while I'm looking at his truck in the lot and the funeral he is referring to is listed as a different day entirely in the paper. I'd confront him and he would act like nothing happened. A few days later, he would talk about the lie like that was still the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilajane Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 I was really having a hard time with MM for a while. I fell in love, couldn’t help it. I’m quite certain that it’s just physical for him. Our friendship is really strong and I’d like to think that we’d still be friends after the affair has run its course. I’ve decided that I couldn’t be with him full-time anyway. I don’t think we’d be compatible outside the affair bubble. He is just too moody and I couldn’t take his temper on a daily basis. I really don’t want his wife’s life. I like my own much better. I like my home situation. My husband is distant, but I do whatever I want. It’s comfortable. His family is mine and vice versa. We have a teenager who still needs us. There is no animosity, but also no passion. It’s steady. We are more like roommates. He is happy in this arrangement, even encourages me to go out, socialize more, take weekends away. He likes his garden and watching news in his man cave. MM gives me an incredible amount of sexual excitement, every couple of weeks or so. Once I got used to the idea that I was not going to hear from him unless a hookup was being arranged, it got easier. I really think my strong feelings were clouding the reality of what I got into. He is the sweetest, most passionate guy when we are together, and that’s what I need out of this. I never see his temper like his family does and I think he likes that there is someone that only knows the best of him. I have no idea why I was bugging him all the time, demanding more. My feelings can only exist in this bubble where I just get the very best of him and vice versa. It’s exactly what I need. He is an incredible lover, the best I’ve ever had. Every time is different and more exciting than the last time. I feel like a hormonal teenager when I’m with him. I know it’s really special for him too. He is just this sexy dream I get to experience every couple of weeks. I know I still have the choice to divorce and find a more fulfilling relationship, but right now I feel like I have the best of both worlds (entitlement, yeah, yeah, yeah). No regular relationship could sustain this level of passion that I experience with MM. I just don’t see that as possible. I’ve backed off on contacting him. I’ve stopped obsessing about him. There was a few days when he was in CA and lost his phone and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to us. I was freaking out because he wasn’t responding to me. I thought I was dumped via NC, just ghosted. It was such an awful feeling, once he was back in touch, I decided I was going to take what I could get. I don’t initiate any contact anymore. I’m only happy and positive when he calls. I compliment him, I dress super-sexy, I come up with awesome ways to seduce him. I buy him the coolest gifts. Occasionally, if I miss him, I work on getting a new make-up style or outfit for him, which is a lot of fun for me. I wrote myself a note to read in case I get mad at him, it reminds me to brush it off. He has a whole busy work and family life to attend to. He doesn’t need me bugging him. I’m accepting him just as he is and the affair for just occasional dates and sex. I’m taking what I can get. I’m trying to be the sexiest, most positive and supportive AP that I can be. This has been my mindset for about a month now. I’ve seen a huge change in him already. He calls me more. He is off the charts in bed now. He seems happier when he is with me. We don’t argue anymore. I just let him be himself and take care of him best I can and now it seems like his feelings for me are actually starting to develop, which is not what I was expecting. I truly DO NOT want to marry this guy. I’m really liking our hook-ups more, though. And I’m loving all the extra attention. I think I’ve got this figured out and I think we are going to last a very long time. I never really thought I’d get to this point, but all it took was backing off, accepting that he is in charge of our dates and just gratefully taking whatever he was willing to offer. I used to view things he did as “abuse” and I don’t see it that way anymore. Sometimes he can’t show up. Sometimes we aren’t able to call back. These aren’t things I wouldn’t ever accept in a public relationship, but they are part of the deal in a secret one. I was just sharing since many OW struggle with the love feelings and lack of contact. We all know it would be rare for a relationship that starts this way to actually work out. If you like the highs, you can get rid of the lows by changing your expectations and mindset. I have no idea how long this will last, but I like myself and my life better with him in it, so I’m just going to love him for who he is. The first time I didn’t get mad at him for not showing up, he just seemed so relieved. I told him to never, ever worry about having to cancel. That I want this to last and he gets to do whatever he wants and it’s all good and ok. When we have a date, I just don’t expect it to happen. I prep, but I keep in my mind that he will probably cancel. It helps me appreciate what I actually get more. I’m sure I’ll get crap from some of you. Whatever. It works for me. I smile for a week after a date, big ol $hit-eating grin. I love that feeling. I’m doing what works for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 I don't think I could settle into anyone's expectation but that is me. It will work for you until it doesn't work I guess. Living 2 different lives wouldn't give me a $hit-eating grin but to each is own! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 If your husband doesn't know your sleeping with another man then he can't accept the arrangement. If he does know then my guess would be he has his own ow. Like said before it works until it don't, at some point, in this situation you will want more and he will want less. As a side, what would happen in your marriage if you made those efforts towards your husband? But, Im sure you tried, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilajane Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 Yes, I've tried to have a good sex life with my husband. He isn't interested in sex anymore. Or going out and having fun. He just wants to be alone most of the time. I can't sit home and I can't not have a sex life. He is not jealous. He has no concerns when I come home at 2-3am on a work night. He is just a distant loner. He wasn't always this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 I'm not going to sit here and say "put more effort into your marriage instead of AP" because I know sometimes it's just pointless. I will say though, that this won't last. You are on a high right now because you have convinced yourself this is what you need to keep him in your life and he's responding to it. It will come to an end eventually and you'll be back to feeling like hell. These highs only last for so long. I've been in this game for 3 years and what I can tell you is that you can only convince yourself this is enough for so long. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 I just couldn't be such a doormat. Sure I'm still a OW but I have my own thoughts wants and needs. And mm knows this. You seem to have very little respect for yourself if I'm completely honest. I'm not bashing you for being a ow (obviously) but how can you not care that he cancels on you or just doesn't show up? I wouldn't put up with my mm not showing up and he knows it. It isn't about being naggy or giving him stress it's about what's an acceptable way to treat someone Affairs aren't nice but at least have some manners 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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