How long is too long to wait for someone?

[Pashe]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is not a venting post. More just a "putting it out there" post.

 

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We met 8 years ago and were just friends that enjoyed talking with one another. 3 years later we started dating.

 

Within that time, we've had a lot of ups and downs--or rather I have. Right before we started dating there was a huge family split on my side and a family member ended up being arrested over it--things still are rocky from the incident. It had a big impact on me seeing my family fall apart so quickly. It was emotional and stressful and he helped me through the brunt of it and then some. A few years later, we found out I was pregnant and then miscarried shortly thereafter. A few months following that, I was in a bad car accident. I was lucky to walk away from it with just a few scratches. Since then, we have moved in together.

 

I love my boyfriend. He's the best friend I've ever had next to my sister. However, he can be very sharp toned at times and prides himself on not being emotional over anything---ANYTHING, not even a miscarriage. He was effected, somewhat when it happened, but he treats me as if it was no big deal. Or, he just simply ignores that it happened and ignores the emotions I feel over it.

 

He has been telling me for two years that he wants to get married and have a family with me. But at the same time, a couple months ago he followed it up with "when I know you're the One, I'll ask you." A few months after that, he told me he wants to have 6 kids with me (he's been saying 6 kids for 2.5 years at this point).

 

Am I ridiculous for staying with him and thinking that what we have is actually promising??

 

Part of me is hesitant to put anymore of myself out there. I feel like he's waiting for something go wrong so that he can say "thank God I never asked her to marry me." If he's still unsure about us I don't think he'll ever be sure. We have a great relationship but he doesn't seem to realize how great it actually is.

 

Am I supposed to stick by him until he figures it out?? How much longer should I do that?

[MsJayne]

I can't believe you're still there! So he's stuck by you through a few life events, but that doesn't mean you owe him anything. If he doesn't know whether you're The One after eight years of knowing you, well he never will - not even if he does marry you! This guy's stealing the best years of your life, and the fact that you're asking on here tells me he's got you confused and unsure of yourself. He's a Joy Burglar even if he has been a good friend.

[CarrieT]

Here is what stuck out at me:

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years.

FIVE YEARS.

 

he followed it up with "when I know you're the One, I'll ask you."

If he doesn't know if you are "the one" after five years, he never will.

 

Am I ridiculous for staying with him and thinking that what we have is actually promising??

Yep, I'm afraid so.

 

Am I supposed to stick by him until he figures it out?? How much longer should I do that?

No, I do not think you should stick with him. I believe the ship has sailed...

[venusishername]

I read somewhere that if you are sure you want to marry someone, the time it takes for them to be sure should be about the same as it takes for you. Being reasonable, of course. Do YOU want to marry him? Are YOU sure?

Knowing you as friends first and then dating for over three years... I think is more than sufficient time for him to **** or get off the pot. He's stalling and complacent. I have seen a lot of men do this.

 

I am of the personal belief (based on experience), that living together before intending to marry most always makes the man complacent. He has no reason to take it to the next level of commitment because he is getting all the benefits of a wife without any strings attached. I lived with both my ex boyfriends, for a total of 8 years of my life that I'm never going to get back. I regret waiting around for years for the last one. I thought that if I lived with him and stuck around he would make up his mind. Obviously that didn't work out.

 

To answer your question, I think he's had more than enough time to decide if he wants to marry you. What concerns me is that you think that he's waiting for the other shoe to drop to say "thank God I didn't marry her." What is it that makes you say that? Don't you believe that you deserve what you want?

 

My very conservative stepfather used to say once a relationship hits the two year mark, it's time to either take it to the next level or break up. I wish I had listened to him in my twenties.

I know a handful of women who lived with their boyfriends for years and the guys never proposed. One girlfriend of mine has a ring and considers herself engaged but they never got married and it's been upward of 8 years. My other girlfriend lived with her guy for over 4 years and always seemed resentful that he never asked her to marry him. She got pregnant and then he finally did it. I was beginning to think it would never happen for her... that's a success story I've seen.

On the other hand, the people that I know that are married, dated for a couple years, moved in together, and very soon after got married.

It shouldn't take so long in my opinion. The getting married part should not take years after you move in together, in my humble opinion. At least that's not what I want for my life.

 

I"m with someone new now and it's been about 6 months. He asked me to move in with him and I said no. I told him in the beginning of the relationship that my goal was marriage and to start a family. In general, not necessarily with him. Not tomorrow, but in the near future. And if he wasn't on the same page as me, to let me know. I am adamant that I will not move in with him unless he/we are sure that we want to be engaged and plan to be married. Right now neither one of us are really completely ready for that, but I had to tell him otherwise I'd be wasting my time like I did before. He did tell me that he wants the same things too, but doesn't want to rush. I agreed with him, but in my own mind I put kind of a fair timeline of dating for a year (without living together) as my marker to gauge if the relationship was progressing or not. Moving in together is not progressing the relationship. I think it makes it more likely to stall the relationship. Your situation in point.

 

I thought what I told my bf might scare him off but it hasn't in all this time. He knows that if he wants me to live with him he has to offer me something special. This in turn has caused him to want to prove himself. He knows that I am not a woman who gives in so easily. Most importantly, he doesn't get to be the one in charge of the pace (he doesn't know that, but I do). I know it sounds kind of strange to say it, but I realized you have to make them think it is THEIR idea, not yours. It's not manipulation, it's just being smart and independent. It is tempting to move in, but I don't ever want to be in the same position I was in before, and he knows that, and respects that. I feel totally confident in telling him that I am not ready to move in, this is what I want, and what I feel comfortable with. He is well aware that I'm not going to be waiting around for years in hopes that he will make up his mind about me. The point is, you need to turn it around so that YOU are the one making up your mind. He's had his chance. Now it's your turn to decide if HE is what you want.

 

What I learned from my mistakes is that you have to be very clear with what you want, and also hold very firm in your word. No giving in. It's not worth sacrificing what you want!! Again, it's not about what HE wants, it's about what YOU want.

 

I think your boyfriend has had more than enough time to decide if he wants to marry you. Talking about 6 kids or whatever he says is just TALK. He is keeping you complacent, he's feeding you words to keep you there. If he wanted to marry you and have 6 kids, he'd be doing that. He's not.

 

My suggestion? Tell him what you want. Tell him that your goal is to be married and you love him and would like to be married and have all those kids with him. Tell him (don't ask him) IF he wants the same, then to let you know. If he's not sure, that's fine, you can't be committed to the relationship as you have been, you can't live together anymore, and you need to take some time for yourself. Then you move out, you hold true to your word. You don't stay overnight with him. You don't sleep with him. You don't have that day to day relationship anymore. You essentially, put the relationship on hold, the back burner. Maybe you just take some time to be alone, to get together with friends, to do what you like to do. Remove the relationship from your focus. I would suggest telling him if he's not sure that you're not sure either, and it wouldn't be fair to you if he could continue having you all to himself, because you would like the opportunity to eventually find someone who wants what you want.

 

One of two things will happen, you can take my word on this one. He will tell you or show you that he doesn't feel the same way, and will be relieved that you ended it because he didn't have the guts, or he will come to you and do whatever it takes so that he can have you in his life again. This will come in the form of a commitment, not just a promise.

 

If you want something to happen with this guy, continuing on as you have been is not going to work. You need to make a big change. It's scary, but in the end, I promise... it will get you what you want, with or without him.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 10, 2016 by venusishername

[TaraMaiden2]

What...?

 

Five years...?!

 

FIVE YEARS - ?!?

 

I have shoes older than that I'm more attached to, than he is to you!!

 

ETA: You had a miscarriage, but his attitude towards you regarding that, is cavalier to the point of being emotionally ignorant.

Yet he claims he wants 6 kids with you....? Right.....

 

You're waiting until he has it 'all figured out'...?

 

You don't get it, do you?

 

He already has it all figured out.

Yup.

Read that again.

 

He has nothing to figure out, because it's all exactly as he wants it already.

Edited May 10, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not going to marry you, OP.

 

He'd know - and you would know - by now if he were.

 

Stop waiting on him.

[basil67]

If I wanted to marry and the guy had said nothing after a few years, I would raise the conversation with him. If said he felt that it was a man's place to raise the discussion of marriage and refused to talk....or he didn't know if he wanted to marry me....I'd leave.

 

A person who can't have an honest and open conversation about marriage isn't worth marrying.

[Leigh 87]

He isn't that into you sorry.

 

I think it is very telling that you were friends first, for 3 years no less prior to even getting together. In most cases, men fall hard and fast upon meeting a woman, or they never fall hard at all if it comes at a much later stage.

 

Us women how, are apt to fall for men we have grown to love over time.

 

After 6 months a guy should " know" that you're the one. If not sooner.

 

Also, moving in prior to an engagement isn't smart. I made this mistake with my current. It's obvious that he won't want to marry me now that he already has what he wants. Sure he did fall for me and is actually in love but, even when the guy IS in love ( which your guy most certainly is not) then even loved up men forget about marriage once they move in with us too soon.

 

After college I am going to just ditch my boyfriend since he moved in too early and won't ever " feel" like marrying me. And I'm an attractive, sweet woman who isn't stupid and hence feel that I deserve a man who is so smitten with me that he needs to make me his wife.

 

For some reason, moving in too soon prior to an engagement causes men to become a lot less smitten and forget about marriage.

[gimlynick]

Maybe he is just not that into marriage?

 

Honestly, I will never, ever marriage a woman.

Marriage is not something of the 21st century. Living together with a contract is a lot more common nowadays.

 

I understand that religious people do this, but why on earth should someone else want to marry?

The only reason me, my friends, and most of our ex'es see to marriage is that big party.

 

And to be honest... 5 years really sounds okay.

 

My parents are together since they are 18, they got married at 27 ( 9 years later and only civil marriage ) and they got me at 30. 12 years later!

 

 

So I guess that guy just wants to wait, an maybe just never mariage. This doesn't mean that he isn't sure about you.

 

+ marriage doesn't really give you something extra. If you love someone you don't need it. Your love to eachother can be proven in so many other ways.

And one day, if you maybe break up, that marriage causes you so many troubles.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe he is just not that into marriage?

 

Honestly, I will never, ever marriage a woman.

Marriage is not something of the 21st century. Living together with a contract is a lot more common nowadays.

 

I understand that religious people do this, but why on earth should someone else want to marry?

The only reason me, my friends, and most of our ex'es see to marriage is that big party.

 

And to be honest... 5 years really sounds okay.

 

My parents are together since they are 18, they got married at 27 ( 9 years later and only civil marriage ) and they got me at 30. 12 years later!

 

 

So I guess that guy just wants to wait, an maybe just never mariage. This doesn't mean that he isn't sure about you.

 

+ marriage doesn't really give you something extra. If you love someone you don't need it. Your love to eachother can be proven in so many other ways.

And one day, if you maybe break up, that marriage causes you so many troubles.

 

With due respect, this is your opinion and obviously OP sees marriage differently. I actually agree with you on many points, but for plenty of people marriage means something different and they do want it.

 

You might be right that her boyfriend isn't interested in marriage at all. If that's the case, he should tell her so. He hasn't. In fact, he told her he's not sure she's "the one" which indeed suggests he's not sure about her either.

 

That is a problem.

[elaine567]

This guy's stealing the best years of your life

 

Yes, if after three years of being your best friend and 5 years of dating he is not sure if you are "the one" then there is something very wrong here.

He may be one of those guys that as soon as you split up, he finds the "love of his life" in months and they marry and have lots of babies, whilst you wonder why you wasted so much of your life with him.

ATM he doesn't NEED to marry you, you are living together and he is probably happy with that arrangement, he is getting free eggs so he doesn't need to buy the chicken.

If you want to get married one day then you need to have a serious talk ASAP and if that gets you nowhere apart from some trite, meaningless comments, platitudes and "future faking", then I think you need to make plans to leave.

[jebrooks1988]

I watch Dr. Phil all the time and he says this all the time,

 

"Why are you waiting for someone to decide what to do with your life?"

 

This very much applies here. After 5 years he should know if you're the one or not instead of saying "when I know you're the one". This is completely different than I know you're the one but I want to get married when the time is right, ex., financial stable. I'm sure he loves you and is comfortable with you but he doesn't see you as the one.

 

It took my ex and I only 6 months to know that we wanted to marry each other. Granted that may be very early but 5 years is too long.

 

Don't invest anymore time with this guy. Find someone who is on the same page as you are. Good luck.

[Toodaloo]

He has been telling me for two years that he wants to get married and have a family with me. But at the same time, a couple months ago he followed it up with "when I know you're the One, I'll ask you." A few months after that, he told me he wants to have 6 kids with me (he's been saying 6 kids for 2.5 years at this point).

 

You have already waited too long and stayed with a man who is just dangling a dream in your face then taking it away. It hurts like crazy but you really need to stop wasting your time and move on.

 

He has made it clear he does not regard you as "the one" or he would already have put a ring on you and snapped you up.

 

Get out. ASAP. Mourn, heal and go grab one of the many fabulous guys out there who do not behave like jerks or treat you like this.

 

This one just teases you and dangles bait to keep you hanging about and keep you thinking there may be something because he just can't be bothered.

 

Do not wait any longer. You have waited too long already.

 

Go and live your dreams and quit listening to his promises of "one day I might"... that basically means "I am not going to".

[d0nnivain]

While I agree with those who said if he doesn't know now he never will, I would urge you to have one last talk with him.

 

It's OK to tell him what we said -- that if her doesn't know now he never will. See how he responds to that. If he still hems & haws, then you gotta leave if you want marriage because he doesn't. I wasted my child bearing years on a guy like your BF. Please learn from my mistake

 

FWIW, please accept my condolences on your miscarriage.

[Pashe]

Some of you have been very helpful and I very much appreciate the kind tones and words. It's nice to see that I'm not crazy.

 

I do want to clarify a few things though. We really do have a great relationship, which is why I'm still with him. I'm not some weak person who's attached to a worthless relationship. It's quite the opposite. After having typed up this response, I have the answer I was looking for. I definitely wish wish I hadn't mentioned the miscarriage. He's not trying to be insensitive. I've called him on his crass approach and he's apologized for it---sad emotions make him very uncomfortable, he doesn't deal with them well. That's not the excuse or reasoning he gives, that's what I know from 8 years of knowing him. Some people have a more natural instinct for dealing with things but he does not in this area. I can't say as though I can fault him for that--my dad can be very much so the same way and I still love him without hesitation.

 

Another thing to consider, I'm not a big believer in the convention of marriage. At the same crazy time though, it's also very important to me. For him, he's scared to death of the possibility of divorce. He's consistently brought that up and one night when he was beyond wasted he really poured out his thoughts; it was pretty clear how knotted his thoughts were over possibly getting divorced--I should have lead with that in my original post. It seemed like some of you were a little sharp in regard to him.

 

He consistently talks about getting married. I don't necessarily doubt that he will ask....it just may be another five years and THAT'S what bothers me. He's talked very openly about how people jump into marriage too soon and they end up hating each other, bitter, and divorced fighting over their kids. I know this is not what he wants and he's letting it dictate our relationship to some extent. So when he says "when I know you're the One...", that could easily be interpreted to "when I'm certain we won't ever get divorced...then I'll propose."

 

He also is putting a lot of pressure on the ring. We already have the ring, mounting, band, and diamond grade picked out. He said he wouldn't go any cheaper than certain levels within each of those categories which is making the ring a substantial amount---that's putting it modestly.

 

And then, out of the blue yesterday, he made mention of how much the wedding planning itself intimidates him.

 

I don't doubt that he loves me. That was never the issue. The issue is whether or not I should stay in a relationship with someone who DOES love me or do I walk away for the sake of formality and conventional timeframes?

 

I have never felt as though he's using me or leading me on. He just seems to feel pressured by society's expectations, statistics of marriage and families, and losing a good thing between us. That's why I've stayed with him--love is more important to me than having a ring and having a family. I just don't know if that will always be the case.

 

And for those of you who said we waited too long to even start dating--which should have been a clue to me--that's pretty presumptuous. It's not like I gave a ton of details in the original post. First off, he had a girlfriend when we met. Secondly, he asked me out a few months after they split up and I turned him down the first time---because I didn't want to risk losing the friendship. That's why we were friends for 3 years before we started dating.

 

 

Thank you all who took the time to respond and reserved the catty judgments.

[Pashe]

Maybe he is just not that into marriage?

 

Honestly, I will never, ever marriage a woman.

Marriage is not something of the 21st century. Living together with a contract is a lot more common nowadays.

 

I understand that religious people do this, but why on earth should someone else want to marry?

The only reason me, my friends, and most of our ex'es see to marriage is that big party.

 

And to be honest... 5 years really sounds okay.

 

My parents are together since they are 18, they got married at 27 ( 9 years later and only civil marriage ) and they got me at 30. 12 years later!

 

 

So I guess that guy just wants to wait, an maybe just never mariage. This doesn't mean that he isn't sure about you.

 

+ marriage doesn't really give you something extra. If you love someone you don't need it. Your love to eachother can be proven in so many other ways.

And one day, if you maybe break up, that marriage causes you so many troubles.

 

This helped me so much.. I'd hug you if I could. Thank you gimlynick.

[lana-banana]

Nope, nein, no way. He is not saying "I love you and will be with you forever, but I don't believe in marriage". He's saying "I love you, but I'm not sure I want to marry you". That's a completely different story and a big red flag. If he isn't sure after five years he's almost certainly never going to be.

 

Pick a timeline and stick to it. If he's still "not sure" by then, walk. You deserve better than this.

[ly399]

5 years are long time to wait for someone to make up their mind. tell us more about you. age? how stable profession wise? it's hard to judge if this guy is seriously working towards that finale or he just buying time with lame excuses.

[ly399]

Nope, nein, no way. He is not saying "I love you and will be with you forever, but I don't believe in marriage". He's saying "I love you, but I'm not sure I want to marry you". That's a completely different story and a big red flag. If he isn't sure after five years he's almost certainly never going to be.

 

Pick a timeline and stick to it. If he's still "not sure" by then, walk. You deserve better than this.

 

agree. I went through a 4 year relationship to tell you the story!!! if there is no real problems (money, too young, etc) then you need to walk.

 

One more thing, even if he agrees to marry you when you decided to leave, don't marry him. He had his chance in the last 5 years, now time is up!!!!

 

My ex and i dated 4 years. i got impatient, and wanted to leave, then he proposed, but he backed out a month before the wedding.

[truth_seeker]

5 years and this guy doesn't know if you're the one? He just wants you around until he meets the one he wants to marry. I've seen it before. Don't stick around and let him dump you... drop him him now. Time for you to get with a guy who really wants to be with you.

[frus69]

Do you decide to wait because you trust that he loves you and definitely will propose (its just a matter of time) or because you love him and want to be with him with or without marriage?

 

 

If its the first, I'm afraid you are doomed. If its the second, fair enough, wait.

 

 

The other poster said he may love to but just doesn't believe in marriage, I don't think so. He never tells you he doesn't believe in marriage. Quite contrary, he tells you he is not against marriage but just not sure if you are the one.

Do you think he's scared to marry, or scared to marry you?

Yes you have a good relationship, but that can just mean he's an overall good guy. Doesn't mean he's passionate about you. Maybe one day he will meet the girl who makes him overcome all his fear and marry her.

Edited May 12, 2016 by frus69

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I stayed with a great man for 7.5 years. I was never huge on marriage but as time passed, I wondered why he didn't seem interested in actually taking that step forward. Sure, he talked about it sometimes and said he saw a future with me. Until one day, he admitted he didn't.

 

The bottom line is that you are not on the same page when it comes to the future, hence the reason you created this thread.

 

So - you need to get clear with yourself on what you want. Is marriage important to you? Is commitment? Are you hoping to have children? He has indicated he's not sure you're The One. That is concerning, no matter how lovely a guy he is.

 

I understand you feel the need to defend him and yourself. However, you've flip-flopped and backpedaled a bit. Clarify to yourself and to him what you want. Have that difficult conversation.

 

And my story follows the cliche - my ex married and had a child within 2 years of our separation. So be careful about sticking around with a man who isn't sure about you. He's told you he's not...listen to him.