How to speak to my bf re money without looking cheap

[elena_putik]

Hi everyone! I need your help and advise. I have been in a LDR with a guy for seven months now.He comes to visit every two weeks. He is an IT consultant and I am currently looking for a job (so my income is only from job seeker's allowance). Every time he comes over I cook for him (I always do the supermarket shopping and buy him things he likes...) but we rarely go out. Yet, when we do it's happened a few times now that I offer to contribute to the meals bill and he lets me do that readily, so we split half half. We already had this conversation once (long time ago) and he told me he didn't think before hand but he understood how I felt. Yet the situation has not changed much since then.

I have never depended on men and I am self-sufficient but my problem is his attitude towards me, the matter and really his attitude shows how much he cares about me (in my understanding). I do not know how to present my issue to him without him misinterpeting it as me looking cheap and being interested in his money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Shining One]

Do you travel to see him at all or is he the only one that travels?

Yet, when we do it's happened a few times now that I offer to contribute to the meals bill and he lets me do that readily, so we split half half.

Why do you offer if you know it will upset you if he accepts? I hope you realize that you're getting upset at him for accepting something you offered.

 

As to the problem at hand, next time he suggests going out, you should indicate that it's outside of your budget. He then has the option to treat you.

[lolablue17]

It's not about money, it's about attention and caring.

 

When you buy things that he like at the supermarket, you do it as a present to him. You show that you care about him,by buying him stuff to make him happy. If he would have done the same (like, buying you presents sometimes), you wouldn't care about who is paying for the meals.

 

So the problem is a Bf who is not thinking how to surprise you, how to make you happy with little things like presents or making you feel good by inviting you to meals.

 

You are looking for a romantic atmosphere, he is probably not that kind of a guy. I don't say he is cheap on you, but he is not the romantic guy you hope for. This is the deal, this is who he is and you should make your decisions by this. If you tell him, he might starting to pay for the meals or drinks, but he will stay the same basic character, so you'll be frustrated about other things. He won't change.

[Grumpybutfun]

Instead of worrying about your cheap boyfriend, maybe you need to concentrate on finding a job. From all the dating, food buying and preparation you have done, you would have had a job by now if you had put this much effort into it. Do you really need to be told he is taking advantage of you? Do you really need a cheap boyfriend or do you need a job, a sense of accomplishment, a purpose beyond worrying about some guy who thinks groceries just appear in your fridge? He is inconsiderate but you aren't direct in asking for what you want.....and you aren't very focused on your life and your future if your focus is on a boy instead of putting everything you have into finding employment so you don't have to worry about the financial misgivings of boys you have dated for seven whole months.

Good luck in finding a job and your voice in asking for what you want or need,

Grumps

[Cherryz]

Instead of worrying about your cheap boyfriend, maybe you need to concentrate on finding a job. From all the dating, food buying and preparation you have done, you would have had a job by now if you had put this much effort into it. Do you really need to be told he is taking advantage of you? Do you really need a cheap boyfriend or do you need a job, a sense of accomplishment, a purpose beyond worrying about some guy who thinks groceries just appear in your fridge? He is inconsiderate but you aren't direct in asking for what you want.....and you aren't very focused on your life and your future if your focus is on a boy instead of putting everything you have into finding employment so you don't have to worry about the financial misgivings of boys you have dated for seven whole months.

Good luck in finding a job and your voice in asking for what you want or need,

Grumps

 

I dont know if he is taking advantage of her. Since she say she offers him to pay halve, she go out and buy what he like all the time.

I ddnt read him forcing her or him not paying at all.

 

Other then that this is the one hard virtual punch of truth that OP need to wake up and get to action! It may be hard to hear but true! And i hope she will wake up now and get to action.

[Cherryz]

I guess you open a topic or more about this before???????

 

Because i miss some details in this and you speak as we know what you talking about.

 

Either-way, You need to learn to speak up. And it seems also like he try to pay but yet you jump again into it and want to pay halve of it.

In that case you shouldn't blame him for not pay or act like he never pay.

 

Its you that have insecurity's and dont know how to voice your opinion.

You dont let him do the bit he trys to do.

How is he suppose to change anything then?

 

I dont know how old you are, but either way i think its better for you to have a relationship

with someone in your city. Someone you can see and know more then few weeks a month. And experience each-other on a reality level.

 

And focus more on finding a real stable job in whatever other branch that can give you stable income so you dont need to worry about money yourself.

Even if he pays everything your money/ voice opinion issues wont go away.

 

Even thou i think if he earn much more then you, and not spent much on you

at least once at time, its not attractive. And seeing the girl you like so much that less at least you want to take her out to the Mac. And show her off.

Also its a LDR you guys are doing, and yet you guys still stuck on doing groceries problem?

No offense but people got real issues in relationships.

 

If you had this topic before, i guess you had enough advice. Maybe its time to practice them instead of asking more.

 

 

Maybe you need to break this off and take a while single and work on your self esteem and voicing your opinion and finding a stable full time job.

Follow some curses and read some books about this topics.

So you can stand stronger in a relationship and find and recognize the right men for you.