Etnyrequad Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) I need some good advice here guys.. The girl I am dating was married before and recently divorced with a son( who I'm crazy about)We have been living together for six months and she is now pregnant with my child (my first) I'm excited as all get out about the baby but around the three month mark I was going through her phone one morning (I know I know) for what reason I couldnt tell you, I just was. I came across a message from her ex husbands best friend that said "thinking about you" which sent my radar off when I noticed it said "shared pictures" and I opened it to find penis pictures. They weren't sent with the message but they were saved on the message itself. So I confronted her about this and her explanation was that the relationship was "old" and had been ended since we started dating and that he just got drunk once in a while and would text her things like that when his wife wasn't home but she would just write them off and they she only spoke to him ever so often and it was just "hey how are you's". She said it was a five year affair (she was married to her ex for seven years) I'm not sure what to think here.. Any advice? There were two different penises on the gallery and she actually pointed this out herself and said one wasn't his that he had sent her that picture because he was considering being with another guy and was showing her the other guys penis(lol?) she went into a little detail about the sexual aspect of their affair saying they fantasized about group sex but that she would never actually do it that they "would just talk about it and have sex) I don't want anyone to get the wrong picture of her, she is actually a sweet and loving person and a great mother I'm just really confused by all of this and any advice would be great! Edited May 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Did you know that she was having an affair on her now XH during their marriage? A 5 year affair? With his best friend? Who appears to be married himself? To me, that's the thing that would cause all sorts of alarm bells to ring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 That's the problem with snooping. You can't un-see what you saw. You've been together for six months. In that time, has anything - anything at all - happened, that lead you to suspect her in any way? If you asked her to delete every one of his messages, photos and texts, would she do so? This is obviously going to ring alarm bells, but try to weigh up the visual evidence, with the actual evidence of being with her. She's carrying your child. You have some thinking to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 I think you should have held to a MUCH higher standard when you were choosing a gene pool in which to swim. Too late now. I mean, seriously. Who the hell saves penis pictures from mouth breathers? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Run Forset Run!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etnyrequad Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) @tara we had been together around the year mark when I discovered the message. I had no indication that anything was amiss and you're right I am wrong for snooping but I did. Her ex husband is fairly immature so it's no huge surprise she would cheat on him..I think what bothers me most is why she didn't tell me about it and why she would still choose to be in some sort of communication with him..(which she says she doesn't know why she was, for "no reason at all") she did delete and block him on Facebook but I didn't 'directly' ask her to, I suggested it. Edited May 10, 2016 by Etnyrequad Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 ..I think what bothers me most is why she didn't tell me about it and why she would still choose to be in some sort of communication with him..(which she says she doesn't know why she was, for "no reason at all") Maybe because it was of such low significance to her, it really didn't bother her to tell you. she did delete and block him on Facebook but I didn't 'directly' ask her to, I suggested it.So she deleted/blocked on fb, even though you merely suggested it. That is actually a positive, because there have been many instances of people having "suspect" friends on fb, exes, hot guys 'n' gurls, and they won't block them, or deem the request/suggestion from their partner as unreasonable. So that she DID block him, and delete him, is a positive.... What about the 'phone now? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 @tara we had been together around the year mark when I discovered the message. I had no indication that anything was amiss and you're right I am wrong for snooping but I did. Her ex husband is fairly immature so it's no huge surprise she would cheat on him..I think what bothers me most is why she didn't tell me about it and why she would still choose to be in some sort of communication with him..(which she says she doesn't know why she was, for "no reason at all") she did delete and block him on Facebook but I didn't 'directly' ask her to, I suggested it. Well dude, you made your bed (got her pregnant), now you have to sleep in it. Or at least try to sleep in it. For me, the big thing wouldn't be that an old AP drunk texted her some dick pics. Or even that she saved them. No, for me it would be learning that she breached her marital commitments of fidelity (demonstrates an underlying lack of trustworthiness), for 5 years (that's almost malice) with her ex-husbands best friend (indicative of serious boundary and respect issues). That, taken together, would seriously change how I viewed her. And the fact that she didn't share it with me (lack of honesty and willingness to hide things) would give me great pause as to whether I should even trust her. You said she has a child from her previous marriage. Does she even know if the child is her XH's or AP's? Was he the only other man? For that matter, how certain are you that the child she is carrying is actually yours? I'm not saying all these things to fill your mind with doubt. I'm saying all these things because you do have some blinders on and you should reevaluate everything. She isn't who you thought she was. That's the thing with deception. At a minimum, I think a really frank talk is in order where you encourage her to lay everything out in the open. What else has she not disclosed? And if you can get past all of that, I think you can also engage in a meaningful conversation about the future and expectations of both of you. Best of luck! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etnyrequad Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 @ Tara he's still in her phone but they couldnt communicate that way given his wife would see the phone bill. I don't believe she cheated on me but am more so worried about her keeping the open line of communication with him and where that may have led if we had problems later on down the line, she may have just done the same ol thing instead of working with me and that's where my troubles are. Another kicker to the story is she was "best friends" with his wife as well and now her sister(my girlfriends) is watching their kids and that means he will be around to pick them up from time to time. We had a discussion about this and I told her I was uncomfortable with him being around and she agreed but when it came down to it nothing happened, she's still babysitting her son and this guys kids. She says "they will always be around" and she can't come up with an explanation to suddenly take her son somewhere else and explain that to her sister (who doesn't know about the affair) he has also hit on her sister before at a gathering so her sister actually told her boyfriend that "there may be a girl I'm babysitting for who's husband has hit on me before and I'm just making you aware that he may be around" The guy is a dirtbag clearly, I'm not jealous.. Just concerned for the foundation of my relationship is all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etnyrequad Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 @mrin I appreciate your response, yes the child is definitely his, it's hard to mistake those looks haha. He is immature in a way that I can't explain but just know I'm not surprised they are divorced. She's a good person and I don't mean to paint her as a bad one, I'm just describing the situation and what it looks like from my perspective. I think I'm just looking for answers and her being pregnant complicates that a little. Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 That's the problem with snooping. You can't un-see what you saw. You've been together for six months. In that time, has anything - anything at all - happened, that lead you to suspect her in any way? If you asked her to delete every one of his messages, photos and texts, would she do so? This is obviously going to ring alarm bells, but try to weigh up the visual evidence, with the actual evidence of being with her. She's carrying your child. You have some thinking to do.... I would say that isn't exactly a given after reading the OP's appraisal of the situation.... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 I would say that isn't exactly a given after reading the OP's appraisal of the situation.... Sadly, as I was typing my response, I was actually harbouring the same thought.... Link to post Share on other sites
Papiyon Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 This is indeed complicated. As mentioned in one of your response – She has not given you any reason prior to this to think she’s lying. Sounds like she has made attempts to show you that she’s not interested in more issues. Until something else happens (hopefully not) you will have to just trust that what she shared was the truth. Maybe you two can discuss what you guys consider appropriate or inappropriate interactions and relationships with others via social media. At minimum this would help you two know what each other expect to have a trusting relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Just to clarify you don't have to save pictures on a phone (iPhone at least). Any text pics or Facebook message pics can be seen in the "shared media" folder of your convo. People have them saved without knowing. Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 So she's a good person even though she cheated for 70% of her marriage? Hmm, you might need an eye appointment. You say the guy is immature...but she married him (her choice), cheated on him (her choice)...with his best friend (her choice), didn't bring up contact with the best friend (her choice), and you still can justify her actions because HE was immature?? What happens when she gets displeased with you? Not only is she willing to cheat, she will stay with you until she finds a replacement. But congrats on having a child and best of luck!! **If she has cheated once she will again. Then guess what, you get to be the immature ex the next guy talks about. Be cautious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachguy Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Tell him if he sees a text from you again or she hears from him again you will inform his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedCloud Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Wow...so lets take a look at her moral compass just based on the brief summary you provided us. She had a five year affair with her husband's best friend. Yikes. She was only married to her husband for seven years, that means she started the affair a mere two years after she married him and it lasted for that long. I feel so bad for her ex husband. Secondly...she thought it was perfectly okay to be with a guy who was into gay group sex and would send her pictures of other men? Wow she knows how to pick 'em. It could very well be true that he sent her a picture randomly. I've had ex-flings and desperate guy friends send me inappropriate pictures at times too, sometimes very randomly. One guy friend of mine who I would sometimes flirt with but stopped when I entered a relationship, sent me a very random out-of-the-blue text saying "Hey baby" and my bf at the time saw it. Caused a huge fight. I was totally innocent. But the very fact that she has a track record of cheating and picking guys who are less than ideal, says more about her than anything. Now's not the time to be worried about wearing rose-colored-glasses. She's carrying your child...not much else to do at this point other than keep a close eye on her and watch for any other clues. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Does she have a job or is she on welfare? Did she get pregnant at 18? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 @mrin I appreciate your response, yes the child is definitely his, it's hard to mistake those looks haha. He is immature in a way that I can't explain but just know I'm not surprised they are divorced. She's a good person and I don't mean to paint her as a bad one, I'm just describing the situation and what it looks like from my perspective. I think I'm just looking for answers and her being pregnant complicates that a little. She's a good person but cheated for 5yrs? Does this make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Run Forset Run!!!!!!!!! *Forset* that's funny cute Jokes aside, I can only agree with the advice you've been given. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etnyrequad Posted May 16, 2016 Author Share Posted May 16, 2016 Thanks everyone for your time! @confusedcloud you're right.. It's my time to observe and give everything my absolute best shot, having a child isn't something I take very lightly nor the responsibility of it, I'm already in love with him/her. I get that there are some men out there who are desperate and there can be an awkward circumstance that you don't mean for like the one you described. Even though in my opinion you should make every effort to remove these people who serve no actual purpose other than a satellite to bounce off horny waves or be an ear to a problem *they* should be taking care of. Her ex husband is legitametly narcissistic though, there is constantly something revolving around him. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Too many red flags here. Did you know about her long term affair before you discovered she was pregnant? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 There were two different penises on the gallery and she actually pointed this out herself and said one wasn't his that he had sent her that picture because he was considering being with another guy and was showing her the other guys penis(lol?) I call total BS on this. This is the lamest excuse since "I was holding this cocaine for a friend , officer. I swear it isn't mine!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etnyrequad Posted May 16, 2016 Author Share Posted May 16, 2016 A week before I found out she was pregnant was when I found the message Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 A week before I found out she was pregnant was when I found the message I'm sorry. There really seems to be a lot of red flags here man. I really have no advice other than to say that hopefully you will demand a Prenatal paternity test at some point. I would if I were in your shoes. Too many things don't seem right about this whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts