Women in their 40's ...

[alphamale]

i am a woman in my early 40's and i have a hard time finding a suitable Partner

yes, I'm available. I'm 51 and live in the metro Detroit area. Married once, no kids

[LookAtThisPOst]

I was watching SNL two weeks ago (Drake was on) and that female comedian on the news portion, was talking about how older people take better care of ourselves and I think that unlike our ancestors who at 50 (like my neighbors) are overweight, tired, and about to kill over - us "older" people have more vitality, don't wanna be tied down, and that's what some guys younger than us are looking for.

 

I think older women or people in general have become more health conscious than a 20-something, simply because 20-somethings don't really need to work out or don't feel the need as their metabolism is higher.

 

I knew of a woman that had a boyfriend that worked in construction, but on the weekends, he'd sit on the couch all weekend watching the football games.

 

She was in her mid 40s at the time (I was in my mid 30s, at the time) and she gravitated towards younger men not because she was a cougar, but because simply she was more active than men her age.

 

And she wasn't asking this guy to work out, but just take casual bike rides together andt he like. She hit the gym a lot, but he was hardly the workout guru.

 

He justified his weekend couch warrior life as "I work outside in construction all day!"

[elaine567]

 

He justified his weekend couch warrior life as "I work outside in construction all day!"

 

Well he did actually have a valid point.

People who work manual jobs that are physically tough, need a rest.

It is OK for those who sit at computers all day to feel the need to be "working out" out in the gym or engaging in strenuous sports, but if he is putting in long shifts of manual labour, then the last thing his body needs is for him to go to the gym at the weekends too.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well he did actually have a valid point.

People who work manual jobs that are physically tough, need a rest.

It is OK for those who sit at computers all day to feel the need to be "working out" out in the gym or engaging in strenuous sports, but if he is putting in long shifts of manual labour, then the last thing his body needs is for him to go to the gym at the weekends too.

 

She's not talking about the gym, she was talking about regular dates and outings. She had to dump him for someone that was open to "going out".

[NTV]

As a dude in his mid-thirties, I'd have no problem dating a 40 year old. But given your illness, I don't think in dating you I'd be looking for a permanent partner in you. I've got enough of my own difficulties without taking on the extra pressure of all that.

 

 

To be honest, I find it odd that this is where your priorities are. It sounds to me (and I have been known to misinterpret) that you're saying 'I want to find the love of my life and be the love of someone else's life before the illness gets me'. To me that sounds like asking to put whomever you meet into a whole world of hurt. I guess it'd be different if you both had something life-threatening... then you'd be on equal footing.

 

 

IDK, if any of this helped... you asked for opinions so I hope it does.

[ChocolateRain]

------------ i am not dead yet

 

thanx for the uplifting words

 

i should take a rope and shoot myself ( LOL )

[elaine567]

The truth is that people need people in their lives and the thought of going through life all alone is frightening, especially if there are potentially bad days ahead.

So why wouldn't ChocolateRain's priorities lie in trying to find a life partner?

Is she just supposed to curl up and die? She may she live on for the next 5 years, and the next 5 years... and then live to regret that she never even looked...

People still get married in their eighties and nineties with limited life expectancy, people want to live the life they have, not sit worrying about how long they have left.

[ChocolateRain]

The truth is that people need people in their lives and the thought of going through life all alone is frightening, especially if there are potentially bad days ahead.

So why wouldn't ChocolateRain's priorities lie in trying to find a life partner?

Is she just supposed to curl up and die? She may she live on for the next 5 years, and the next 5 years... and then live to regret that she never even looked...

People still get married in their eighties and nineties with limited life expectancy, people want to live the life they have, not sit worrying about how long they have left.

 

exactly this ^^^^ ... and thank you

[Emilia]

I think knowingly putting another person in an emotionally very traumatic experience is immoral and irresponsible, yes. wishing to die in someone's arms is completely understandable but I can't imagine putting another human being through it - knowingly.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think knowingly putting another person in an emotionally very traumatic experience is immoral and irresponsible, yes. wishing to die in someone's arms is completely understandable but I can't imagine putting another human being through it - knowingly.

 

Well, if the healthier person is willing, then it's a non-issue for them.

[ChocolateRain]

I think knowingly putting another person in an emotionally very traumatic experience is immoral and irresponsible, yes. wishing to die in someone's arms is completely understandable but I can't imagine putting another human being through it - knowingly.

 

first of all , i am not desperate in finding someone ...if it happens it happens .

And i would never force or manipulate someone or hide my illness . if someone should accept me how and for who i am , then it's a choice ........

 

i am fighting , i will not give up ... and just because i am ill doesnt mean that i am not lovable anymore or that i dont deserve anything ...

 

it is starting to be hurtful , honestly and all this over emoticons

[elaine567]

Well, if the healthier person is willing, then it's a non-issue for them.

 

Exactly, I do not think ChocolateRain's intention is to trick anyone into a relationship with her, by withholding her diagnosis.

[NTV]

Not sure how you got from 'I don't think I would be interested' to you should give up on life.... seems kind of a stretch.

 

 

I think if that's where you got to from what I said, then I maybe wasn't clear enough.

 

 

My intention was to say that if I were to date a woman in her 40s with an illness like that, I don't know that I could date her seriously UNLESS she was getting treatment and fighting for it. Otherwise I would always have the feeling like I was giving charity to her in the back of my mind. (again unless I was ill as well, that puts up on equal footing).

I don't think you should give up, and absolutely hope you don't. Which surprises me that I could want something like that for some stranger on the internet that I don't know.

So... let me go sit and stew over how I got to that feeling when I shouldn't have and come back later. Good luck!

[Taramere]

CR - googling, I see online networking/dating for people who have been diagnosed with cancer. I say dating, but that's just one part of it. Essentially it's a social networking thing where you can connect with other people in a similar situation - and, as it says "meet new friends and maybe even fall in love".

 

Are there any offline networking resources close to where you live that might offer similar opportunities? There certainly seems to be a fair bit online. It might be worth considering, if you haven't already. I don't think it's necessarily restricted to people who have been diagnosed with cancer. I think using regular online dating and continually going through that process of disclosing your condition to somebody would be exhausting and demoralising...but the more specialised networking resources might offer you some valuable support, as well as the possibility of meeting somebody special.

[ChocolateRain]

CR - googling, I see online networking/dating for people who have been diagnosed with cancer. I say dating, but that's just one part of it. Essentially it's a social networking thing where you can connect with other people in a similar situation - and, as it says "meet new friends and maybe even fall in love".

 

Are there any offline networking resources close to where you live that might offer similar opportunities? There certainly seems to be a fair bit online. It might be worth considering, if you haven't already. I don't think it's necessarily restricted to people who have been diagnosed with cancer. I think using regular online dating and continually going through that process of disclosing your condition to somebody would be exhausting and demoralising...but the more specialised networking resources might offer you some valuable support, as well as the possibility of meeting somebody special.

 

first let me say thank you for this great advice about the online network... i will definitely look into it . i was active in one Group with Cancer Patients in europe but that can sometimes be very overwhelming when all just talk about the same issues .

 

offline no , here the country i have chosen to live in has absolutely nothing like that . To top it off , me making haste decisions back then, i had moved close to a country were war could brake out any minute LOL though this aint funny , i dont know if it was a subconscious way of saying *oh, well if it happens it happens *... i became a bit fearless.

 

At the end of this year i am planning to move back to europe .

Thanx again for you productive Post , very much appreciated

[ChocolateRain]

Exactly, I do not think ChocolateRain's intention is to trick anyone into a relationship with her, by withholding her diagnosis.

 

Thanx for understanding elaine , i am always open and honest and would give ppl the choice ... it would be selfish and immoral to not do so

[redbaron007]

first let me say thank you for this great advice about the online network... i will definitely look into it . i was active in one Group with Cancer Patients in europe but that can sometimes be very overwhelming when all just talk about the same issues .

 

offline no , here the country i have chosen to live in has absolutely nothing like that . To top it off , me making haste decisions back then, i had moved close to a country were war could brake out any minute LOL though this aint funny , i dont know if it was a subconscious way of saying *oh, well if it happens it happens *... i became a bit fearless.

 

At the end of this year i am planning to move back to europe .

Thanx again for you productive Post , very much appreciated

 

Hey ChocolateRain, how about moving to California's gorgeous wine country where it was 86 deg F (30 deg C) today...no war-zones nearby (except on freeways during rush-hour), great wine, and tons of single guys of all ages?

 

(Footnote: RedBaron still on a quest for that elusive 35+ woman...totally unrelated to my above comment of course!)

[ChocolateRain]

Hey ChocolateRain, how about moving to California's gorgeous wine country where it was 86 deg F (30 deg C) today...no war-zones nearby (except on freeways during rush-hour), great wine, and tons of single guys of all ages?

 

(Footnote: RedBaron still on a quest for that elusive 35+ woman...totally unrelated to my above comment of course!)

 

your post made me a bit emotional : ) ... you must be talking about beautiful wine country Napa ??? i lived in Cali ( Vacaville ) and to me it's a wonderful place ... believe me , if i had the finances, that's were i would be ...

[CarrieT]

CR, don't listen to the detractors.

 

No one - repeat: NO ONE - has a lifeline that guarantees a great relationship automatically means long life for perfect happiness.

 

With so many people driving around looking at their phones instead of the road, any one of us might have their relationship destroyed by tragedy in an instant. There are so many news reports of couples having their relationships end for reasons outside their control so in your case, there is no reason to not pursue happiness.

 

And regarding Red Baron's, rec on Napa, it is nice to know you were from Vacaville.... I am a Napa native and - sadly - can attest that I ultimately had to leave Napa because the middle-aged dating scene was all but dried up! Most of the men there already had wives and family! I ended up leaving wine country for the coast side (south of San Francisco) to find a guy...

 

I envy you being in Europe as that is an ultimate dream of mine!

[ChocolateRain]

CR, don't listen to the detractors.

 

No one - repeat: NO ONE - has a lifeline that guarantees a great relationship automatically means long life for perfect happiness.

 

With so many people driving around looking at their phones instead of the road, any one of us might have their relationship destroyed by tragedy in an instant. There are so many news reports of couples having their relationships end for reasons outside their control so in your case, there is no reason to not pursue happiness.

 

And regarding Red Baron's, rec on Napa, it is nice to know you were from Vacaville.... I am a Napa native and - sadly - can attest that I ultimately had to leave Napa because the middle-aged dating scene was all but dried up! Most of the men there already had wives and family! I ended up leaving wine country for the coast side (south of San Francisco) to find a guy...

 

I envy you being in Europe as that is an ultimate dream of mine!

 

i absolutely agree with you ...nothing in life is ever guaranteed ! Thanx for your nice post .

 

i remember years back i never ever ever wanted to be in California . And i ended up exactly where i didnt want to be hhh , it was fate . it turned out to be the best place i have ever lived and i have nothing but good memories . i miss San Fran , it's just beautiful .When i had to move to the east cost it was like a culture shock to me . So, Cali will always be in my heart .

 

Europe is and can be nice depending on where you want to go . So much to see and to discover but it has it's flaws too as any other country .

But i hope you can experience it ones ...

[edgygirl]

I don't get why you're insisting in talking in this manner. Cancer is not always a death sentence. She stated very clearly that her doctor was wrong -- as she is still alive.

 

What I am asking is: do you think it's fair on a future potential partner to expect him to invest emotionally in a relationship when you know for certain that it's going to end in the near future and bring loss and bereavement for that person?

[edgygirl]

Oh my... of course she would tell them her situation and they would KNOW. Some people have big enough, non judgemental hearts, to fall for someone who has an illness. Although that's not your case obviously.

 

You seem to have a hard time with any kind of illness in other people - you mentioned no one would want to date someone with depression... say what?

 

Talk for yourself, you do not speak for everyone.

 

I think knowingly putting another person in an emotionally very traumatic experience is immoral and irresponsible, yes. wishing to die in someone's arms is completely understandable but I can't imagine putting another human being through it - knowingly.

[desertfunguy]

I am a man in my late 40s trying to hang in there with a wife in her 40s. Part of the issue is this perimenopause. I know this is different for many. In my case, the relationship has always been sort of challenging. My wife has lost a lot of vigor, and desire, and definitely affection. She refuses to go to the doctor and get any meaningful treatment for it. Everything has side effects, so we can just deal with her mood swings and lack of joy with all of us. For my kids, this means no hugs, kisses, and a dismissive lack of interest in their lives. For me, it is a lack of affection, intimate relations, and a partner to spend time with. She would rather float solitarily in the pool, or sleep on the couch with HGTV on.

 

I know that not every 40 something is like this, but many of her friends are doing the same things in their homes, to their families. It is not being role modeled well, among people I know. Most of my friends tell a similar story. I guess this may be why that group of ladies has a hard time finding dates, when they are single. I would look at the individual, but definitely would be gun shy about what may happen when this change occurs. It is total misery for everyone else too. Meanwhile, I have the mind of a 25 year old, when it comes to adventure and a body that tries to follow. However, I am left dejected, frustrated, injured, and have my confidence blown to bits. How many men have told this story? I know everyone is different, and some ladies need to work on changing this paradigm. Most of us guys are pretty well off economically, and our kids are older by this time. If we get in a single situation, then it is likely that we will be able to get late 20s and 30s aged ladies without too much trouble. It was done to me in my 20s. With online dating being the forte of today, it is hard to share personality and connect without pure attraction. This creates very odd outcomes and may be really harming our our social harmony. I would prefer a lady my age, if she still wanted to be passionate and enjoy life.

[Gloria25]

I am a man in my late 40s trying to hang in there with a wife in her 40s. Part of the issue is this perimenopause. I know this is different for many. In my case, the relationship has always been sort of challenging. My wife has lost a lot of vigor, and desire, and definitely affection. She refuses to go to the doctor and get any meaningful treatment for it. Everything has side effects, so we can just deal with her mood swings and lack of joy with all of us. For my kids, this means no hugs, kisses, and a dismissive lack of interest in their lives. For me, it is a lack of affection, intimate relations, and a partner to spend time with. She would rather float solitarily in the pool, or sleep on the couch with HGTV on.

 

I know that not every 40 something is like this, but many of her friends are doing the same things in their homes, to their families. It is not being role modeled well, among people I know. Most of my friends tell a similar story. I guess this may be why that group of ladies has a hard time finding dates, when they are single. I would look at the individual, but definitely would be gun shy about what may happen when this change occurs. It is total misery for everyone else too. Meanwhile, I have the mind of a 25 year old, when it comes to adventure and a body that tries to follow. However, I am left dejected, frustrated, injured, and have my confidence blown to bits. How many men have told this story? I know everyone is different, and some ladies need to work on changing this paradigm. Most of us guys are pretty well off economically, and our kids are older by this time. If we get in a single situation, then it is likely that we will be able to get late 20s and 30s aged ladies without too much trouble. It was done to me in my 20s. With online dating being the forte of today, it is hard to share personality and connect without pure attraction. This creates very odd outcomes and may be really harming our our social harmony. I would prefer a lady my age, if she still wanted to be passionate and enjoy life.

 

And that's what it boils down to - the person. Yes, our bodies change with age and yes, there are somethings like illness, testosterone/hormone levels etc (which we have no control over)...but, what makes a difference is that person's zest for life and care for their SO.

 

When you enter into a RL, it's no longer about "you". Yes, your partner must also motivate, support, etc. you, but still it boils down to "you". For you to sit around and diss your partner.

 

I was listening to my fav podcaster. Woman was going through menopause. She cared enough about her husband to call in and ask what to do to get her libido back. She didn't tell him to "get bent, cuz her body's going though something natural". I mean, there's hormones, creams, etc. I mean, we get up and go to work even on days when we don't feel like it. Then, why can't you just be there for your SO - even on occasions where you're not feeling it?

[redbaron007]

i absolutely agree with you ...nothing in life is ever guaranteed ! Thanx for your nice post .

 

i remember years back i never ever ever wanted to be in California . And i ended up exactly where i didnt want to be hhh , it was fate . it turned out to be the best place i have ever lived and i have nothing but good memories . i miss San Fran , it's just beautiful .When i had to move to the east cost it was like a culture shock to me . So, Cali will always be in my heart .

 

Europe is and can be nice depending on where you want to go . So much to see and to discover but it has it's flaws too as any other country .

But i hope you can experience it ones ...

 

Don't mean to TJ, but if you can't move here, just come visit....I'm happy to show you my fav off-beat wineries that tourists on route 29 never get to see..I'm serious!

 

Re:SF, I've lived in both NY and London and love both those cities, but SF is closest to my heart....I like it so much that I have started a photo-journal on Facebook (Humans of NY style) just to figure what makes SF unique!

 

End of TJ....