Should I contact him?

[Never-Say-Never]

Hi all,

 

I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle a breakup I'm currently in the middle of trying to reconcile. It's full of mixed messages and confusion so I will do my best to outline as much as possible without boring you all!

 

My ex and I were close friends for a year (Shared everything to each other) which developed into FWB for about 4 months before we became a couple officially for 1 and a half months. He had developed feelings for me about about 8-9 months ago, but I hadn't felt ready for a relationship until we became official because we work together and I feared the complications it would cause had we to break up.

 

Things were going great in our brief relationship - we share all the same interests (I would even go as far as saying he is like the guy version of me because he's that similar to me) After a petty heated argument in a bar, he decided we should breakup. He said the relationship, during the good times, was 'sheer bliss', however he felt that I had become too intense for him. He didn't blame the fight on the breakup - although it was the final straw, the reason he ended the relationship was because he felt I was too clingy and too insecure for him to feel comfortable, as he felt like he was walking on eggshells with me.

 

Because I was suffering from depression and anxiety before and during the breakup, I ended up doing all the desperate stuff you shouldn't do - begged pleaded... I had crippling self-esteem issues. This was spread out over the course of two weeks, but wasn't a constant everyday thing. He then said we both needed space, that we could be friends once I had gotten over him. He said that although he still cared for me, he was no longer was in love with me and no longer wanted to be in a relationship with anyone.

 

He told me to move on and find someone better. I asked him if he'd ever date the girl he dated before me again (They had only been on a few dates, she fell for him but the feeling was not mutual) He laughed and said no. I then asked him if he'd ever consider getting back with me again, to which he said "See, I don't want to answer that either way. I don't want to say yes, because I don't want to get your hopes up, but I don't want to say no because I don't know how I'll feel in a few months' time."

 

Eventually, he ended up blocking me on everything online in order to give us both the space and inability to get curious. I then started NC and started to work on my self confidence. I dropped a dress size and started feeling much better about myself. I got to day 16 of NC when a colleague of ours (Notorious for starting fights with pure lies out of jealousy) told me straight out that my ex had said dating me was a huge mistake and he regrets ever getting with me. This deeply hurt me, and I contacted another colleague, who is friends with my ex, to check if this was true or not, as the colleague who told me this is jealous of my ex and hates his guts for no legitimate reason. It turned out to be an absolute lie, and word got back to my ex about this lie. He was furious, and decided to come speak to me to explain it. He promised me he'd never say such a nasty thing, and he was angry that I was hurt and sought revenge. He nearly ended up into a fist fight with the colleague who told me the lie, but thankfully myself and another colleague stopped him and calmed him down.

 

After this, we agreed to reconnect again. He said he wanted us to remain close friends, but told me I had to understand that it wouldn't happen overnight. The very next day, we had a row after he had admitted he had a one night stand 2 weeks after we broke up. This hurt me and I got angry at him, causing another fight. This lead to him saying "That's it, I'm constantly walking on eggshells around you. This has proven to me we cannot remain in contact. I will remain civil towards you around work, but that's it." and then blocked me everywhere again. I stopped communication, and then attempted to talk to him a week after the fight, where I asked him if he hated me. His response was "I feel weird.. I don't know what I feel. But I still think it's best if we stayed away from each other. I will stay civil for work, but don't expect anything more." I then apologised for everything, wished him well and let him be.

 

Today marks the 2 month mark since the breakup, and day 18 of NC. I've recently started dating casually, and I've caught him staring over at me and showing other signs of curiosity. I've not spoke to him other than the odd greeting when passing each other in the office, but I've kept eye contact to a minimum and not spoke to him properly in 18 days. I've also picked up on him talking to a girl in the office who has a crush on him - I don't know whether it's my mind playing with me or not, but he appeared to be quite flirty with his body language towards her.

 

There's a work night out next Friday, which we will both be attending, as well as this girl. I fear catching him kissing this girl because it will seriously hurt me to see that. Part of me doesn't think he'd do it, but he might get pretty drunk and do it without thinking. I also suspect he might try to speak to me on the night out, but then again he might not.

 

I think that I shouldn't be the first to make contact with him, as he has made it really clear that he isn't happy with me. I'm also afraid of being rejected again, but I have the usual fear that I might never hear from him again.

 

What do you think I should do? And do you think there's any chance we'd get back together now or is that chance officially gone?

[topher]

He vacillates between escalating and deescalating contact. Just because he's ambivalent doesn't mean you two should be together. He's told you that he only wants a professional relationship. Him seeing another coworker is likely the death knell for this relationship.

 

It's great that you're focusing more time and energy toward yourself. Keep at it. I'd suggest you abstain from the work party and all future non-essential contact with him.

 

I'm two months out of a breakup and NC has been instrumental to my emotional stability and overall betterment. Stick to it, dude!

[bluefeather]

I think you should stop wondering about this other person and focus on yourself. You don't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship. You lack confidence. Find the cure for that in smothering yourself with love. Having fun with life may or may not get him to be more interested in you, but it will certainly help you become a better and more attractive person, in general.

 

As for the question of if there's a chance you two will end up back together, I'll say this: If you continue living with little respect for yourself, he may play the "I don't know what I feel" card more when he wants sex and try to use you for it. This will probably follow with something like, "We're not getting back together. I'm just kind of confused right now. I need to figure things out" vague BS, and you will be in a worse position than you are at the moment.

[Never-Say-Never]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments You're right, I'm not really ready to be in a relationship yet. I don't feel at all prepared because I'm scared of being heartbroken again.

 

Any advice on how to learn to love yourself better and build on self confidence? I've tried all the superficial stuff like changing my hair, losing weight, buying new clothes, but nothing lasts long enough to keep my confidence up. People always tell me I'm an attractive girl, and I get plenty of attention in clubs, but I just don't have the confidence in myself to believe it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Should I contact him?

 

Never.

there, I said it.

[topher]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments You're right, I'm not really ready to be in a relationship yet. I don't feel at all prepared because I'm scared of being heartbroken again.

 

Any advice on how to learn to love yourself better and build on self confidence? I've tried all the superficial stuff like changing my hair, losing weight, buying new clothes, but nothing lasts long enough to keep my confidence up. People always tell me I'm an attractive girl, and I get plenty of attention in clubs, but I just don't have the confidence in myself to believe it.

 

From The School of Life:

 

Confidence seems to involve the courage to accept imperfection.

It's tempting to never get going when everything has to be perfect, but that's a recipe for remaining under the bed.

And yet how often so-called great lives have been riddled with errors but nevertheless didn't sink them?

Confidence begins with a capacity to forgive oneself the horrors of the first go.

 

Our fear of messing up should give way to the only real danger there is, that of never trying.

Edited May 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[azaleigha]

Sorry you went through such a tough time with him. It's definitely hard not to be sure where you stand with someone, especially someone you care about. Do you think that it would be good for you to keep hoping he'll change his mind at some point? You mentioned that you've started dating casually again - have you thought about the fact that continuing to hold out hope for this relationship might keep you from finding a relationship with someone who is ready and deserves someone like you?

 

As far as building self-confidence, maybe you could try focusing on your internal self more than just your external. Could you try taking a class for something you've always wanted to learn? Or maybe work on improving a skill you have but don't use much? I've found that self-confidence is much longer-lasting when it's not just about how I look or what my dress size is, but having a knowledge of my own self-worth just as a human being. Sometimes when I'm feeling self-doubts creep in, it helps to remind myself that in the whole entire world, I am the only me that has ever existed, or will ever exist. I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm the very best at being me! Not sure if that helps you, but I hope that you're able to find peace within yourself that you are a wonderful, magnificent person, and you bring something to this world that no one else can.

 

Hang in there, friend! May you be blessed.

[bluefeather]

Any advice on how to learn to love yourself better and build on self confidence? I've tried all the superficial stuff like changing my hair, losing weight, buying new clothes, but nothing lasts long enough to keep my confidence up.

 

It's hard to say because I'm still working on that, myself. Also, I think it is different for everyone. Off the top of my head, I can think of trying to find a goal to strive for. Have positive ideas about the kind of person you'd like to be. I kind of forgot about the other person when I became excited about what I could be. Not so much as if I forget the person existed, but more so in that my thoughts were no longer consumed. Every day, I improve myself in some way. Every day, I scratch something off of my to-do list. With thoughts like this, over time, the mental focus shifted from "What is this other person doing?" to "I am continuing to become better and better, and this excites me."

 

It does not happen over night and it is not easily consistent. There are ups and downs as I continue to experience life. But that's where I'm at.