It's been 2 months of no contact, should I contact her or wait?

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

My girlfriend, now ex, and I have dated for 4 years. We had amazing chemistry and a very close relationship, we were more than just boyfriend-girlfriend and we shared everything together. We were very in love. We talked about a future together. We're both 22 btw.

 

A month ago she broke up with me because she feels 'confused' and 'doesn't know what she wants in life'. She said she needs this time apart because she doesn't want to make any decisions right now and string me along. She says that she needs to be okay on her own and get her head straight first and straighten out what she wants in life with school, work, career etc. She told me to move on, not because we don't have a chance to be together, but that it's the only healthy option right now and doesn't want a time restraint or rush her decision by giving in.

 

The thing that doesn't make sense is that she told me she still loves me, misses me badly and still sees a future with me. It just makes me so confused because she's the type of girl that's outspoken... She tells you what's on her mind and she's not the type to lie. If she 'fell out of love' she would flat out tell me or if she was interested in someone else she would say so, she's just not that type to hurt me like that.

 

It really hurts that she's throwing away a 4 year relationship as close as we got. It's been 2 weeks since we last had contact... I haven't 'begged' or blown up her phone or anything, I've been good with giving her her space. I haven't been moping around and been keeping myself busy with working out and bettering myself, but I just still really miss her and wonder what's going through her head...

 

Is she truly gone or do you think their's a chance she'll come back?

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Also she never became distant before the breakup... She was still calling/texting me everyday to ask about my day and the sex was still there and enjoyable. And she would always smile at me when she saw me and only ever seemed unhappy if things were going on in her life. She's had a history of depression and anxiety, but this is the most we've been apart.

 

4 years is a long time and I feel like throwing that away is pretty serious... Again she never said she lost feelings for me or anything, and she's the type to say so if that was the case. Please help!

[OregonGuy]

I would bet anything that there is someone else. Sorry, hurts to hear it, but I would be shocked if there wasn't. My ex after 6 and a half years said the same stuff. She's letting you down slowly but please prepare for the worst.

[mightycpa]

Pay attention to what she does, not what she says. In other words, she's done.

[LostOnes05]

She's gone bro...I'd venture to say there is someone else like OregonGuy said. She is trying to spare your feelings, but she is trying to leave the door open for herself if it doesn't work out.

[lil hoodlum]

I agree with OregonGuy, someone else is in the picture.

 

Don't listen to her fake words, pay attention to her actions. She pulled away when she netted another fish and let the old one go.

 

I have been through the same thing and was blindsided by the whole thing as well. Some people are just really good actors. What she has done to you is really cold-hearted.

[lil hoodlum]

I forgot to add, anytime you hear a dumper say they are "confused" that is code for they are having feelings for someone else. Hence what they are "confused" about.

 

When I have ended relationships, I have never been "confused".

[heartbrokenoff]

Sad to say, most likely she has someone else now. She is feeling guilty now and likely wont want meet or talk to you to avoid your questionings. You have to move on bro, no matter how depressing/sad/angry you are.

[loveiswar101]

I'm going to say that yes there may be another guy but then again there may not be.

 

Th fact is though she is not attached to you as you are attached to her at this time. People men and women 90% tell you what they believe will make it easier on them and you when breaking up. More them to avoid the guilt.

 

Like mine 'ivé met someone and i know you're be sad and not want to be friends KICKER but one day I hope we can be friends again'. It's letting me go but leaving the door open. Yours is the same, don't get hung up on this. Her actions are the only thing that counts here for you. At her actions at the moment was to leave you.

 

You say your're keeping busy, fit, KEEP GOING with that. You have said you have gone 2 weeks full NC though, keep this going, don't break, watch out for breadcrumbs! If they come be decisive in what you say and how you reply if you do. No pussy footing here my friend you will only get hurt.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

I appreciate everyone's honest opinion, but I just don't think that's the case with her seeing someone else. I'm not saying it's not possible, but I think it's very unlikely. The thing is she has weird social anxiety which makes her anti-social. She's very nice to people, but she doesn't like getting CLOSE to people. When I first knew her, it took us 4 months of going on dates and getting to know each other before she trusted me enough to be official because she was afraid of getting hurt by someone (which ironically she's doing to me). After all the feelings and everything we've gone through together, I just don't think she's seeing someone else that quickly. She was seeming a little depressed between work and figuring out school stuff though. She worked 40 hours and whenever she did have free time, we were together so idk how she even had the time to talk to anyone anyway.

 

I think it's possible that either she doesn't feel the same way she used to, or maybe she's just that damn confusing and really does feel like she needs time to herself. Again she's very outspoken and has always told me the truth about something bothering her, so I feel like she would tell me she doesn't love me anymore rather than saying she does, or that she's seeing someone else. I know her better than anyone else and I just don't think that's her style. But then again, I didn't expect her to dump me out of the blue. So who knows....

In the mean time yes I have been bettering myself as a person and working on myself, I'm not going to put my life on hold for her but I'm definitely not over her. I honestly keep half expecting her to show up at my house or text me or something to reconcile, but nothing yet...

 

After 4 years how does someone throw something like this away so easily? No buildup, no fighting or arguing, no cheating, no abuse, and a very quiet breakup to where she even asked for a kiss and a hug before our goodbye. It's only been a month apart, but jeeze it feels like a year.

[elaine567]

At 22 and with 4 years of serious dating under her belt, this relationship needs to go somewhere ie marriage and kids.

BUT she is still only 22, she has a lot of life to live yet so I guess she is wondering,

Do I stick with this and accept settling down in the next few years?

Do I sit waiting for AVeryConfusedGuy to propose - he may never do so?

Do I even want to get married yet even if he did propose?

Is AVeryConfusedGuy even the right man for me?

OR

Do I move on and explore what life may have to offer me elsewhere?

[Vincenator]

This reminds me of what I read here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

At 22 and with 4 years of serious dating under her belt, this relationship needs to go somewhere ie marriage and kids.

BUT she is still only 22, she has a lot of life to live yet so I guess she is wondering,

Do I stick with this and accept settling down in the next few years?

Do I sit waiting for AVeryConfusedGuy to propose - he may never do so?

Do I even want to get married yet even if he did propose?

Is AVeryConfusedGuy even the right man for me?

OR

Do I move on and explore what life may have to offer me elsewhere?

 

We talked about a future like way down the road but made it clear not anytime soon with kids/marriage lol but we wanted to move in together and take on what life had to bring us. What is there for her to explore right now? She only works and is going to take up schooling that is 10 minutes down the road, she isn't leaving or going anywhere anytime soon.

Do you mean explore as in sleep with many men? Because she said she doesn't want to do that either, so what is there is to 'explore' being this young? And she also doesn't like getting very close to people, so beats me...

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

This reminds me of what I read here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

That was actually pretty spot on that it's almost scary to read... Almost word by word is what I'm experiencing. It sucks because I feel like it might be true and is crushing my hopes that she'll come back, but maybe that's a good thing... I just thought she was different than other women but in a good way. If she starts dating/sleeping with other men and trying to come back realizing it was a mistake, you're damn right I'm going to turn her away and reconciling will never happen. I definitely have received zero answers and that's what is killing me the most. I would rather hear her say "I've lost feelings for you" "There is someone else..." than just "I'm confused" "I need to straighten my life out first but I still love you!" like ugh.

[elaine567]

We talked about a future like way down the road but made it clear not anytime soon with kids/marriage lol but we wanted to move in together and take on what life had to bring us. What is there for her to explore right now? She only works and is going to take up schooling that is 10 minutes down the road, she isn't leaving or going anywhere anytime soon.

Do you mean explore as in sleep with many men? Because she said she doesn't want to do that either, so what is there is to 'explore' being this young? And she also doesn't like getting very close to people, so beats me...

 

Explore -> sleep with others perhaps, experience other relationships perhaps. See a bit of the world, party, move town, whatever SHE wants to do with her life.

She has been "attached" all of her adult life, signing away more of it by moving in together may not be what she really wants to do just now.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Explore -> sleep with others perhaps, experience other relationships perhaps. See a bit of the world, party, move town, whatever SHE wants to do with her life.

She has been "attached" all of her adult life, signing away more of it by moving in together may not be what she really wants to do just now.

 

Well that goes back to the original problem and question, she doesn't know what she wants. She says she can't imagine being with someone else and that she wants a future with me. So she doesn't want to experience different partners and she doesn't want to sleep around, but she also doesn't want a relationship at the moment but still loves me and wants to be with me, but also wants me to move on but is hinting hope.

So the verdict here is absolutely nothing makes sense lol.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

I was dating my ex for 4 years (both 22). We were extremely close, very in love and had amazing chemistry throughout the relationship. I never mistreated her, rarely fought or argued and we talked about plans for the future and I know she was crazy for me. Things suddenly changed when she started coming down with depression and she kept saying that she doesn't know what she wants in life and needs to figure out what she wants to do with her schooling and career. Between working 40-50 hours a week and spending time with me in her free time, she felt like she couldn't get anything done.

 

She broke up with me a month ago with the reasoning that she feels like she needs to work on herself and get her head straight, figure out what she wants and doesn't want to string me along or keep me waiting on her until she figures things out. That she can't keep me happy if she's not happy herself. She then said she still loves me and misses me like crazy and still sees a future with me, but needs this time apart and can't make or rush any decisions right now.

I haven't begged or pleaded her to come back and I've been doing no contact with her, it's been 3 weeks since we last talked. It still really hurts but I'm getting better each day.

Does anyone think that this is 'normal' to breakup with someone...? Would this type of 'dumper' try to reconcile eventually?

[Steven1]

Funny enough this was a bit similar to my relationship ending over a month ago from what my understanding of it was myself lol.

 

My ex just started Uni and she's at the point where nearly every week she has assignments, similar to your ex girlfriend she said the same sort of thing, didn't have time for a boyfriend etc in her opinion.

 

It's hard to say though to be honest. When you loo at the logic behind it, unless she changes her career and becomes a lot less busy and decides she can split time between herself, her job, and you, then it's unlikely unfortunately as she is going to have to change a lot unless she feels differently.

 

Of course I always believe that if you end on good or 'reasonable' terms then there is always more hope for the future than what there is if you end in a completely terrible manor. I know exactly how you feel bud so you're not alone in the matter.

 

Best advice would be that really, anything can happen in the future, but don't put all your hopes on it happening, keep moving on as you see fit in a way that's best for you. Things may work out, but there's an equal chance that they won't.

[mightycpa]

Early 20's breakups are THE THING TO DO in life. Everybody does it, and they've been doing it then for decades, probably centuries. The reason is because that's the age when you undergo tremendous changes, and you become exposed to a lot of new people that are just as horny and curious as you are.

 

Whatever the reason, I won't say a breakup was inevitable... but almost inevitable. Plus, if she didn't do it first, eventually, you probably would have.

 

So don't sweat it. You have plenty of time to recover and to have some real fun without her.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

So this is a very confusing situation. I was dating this girl for 4 years and we were extremely close and very in love. We were each other's first real love and the first person in general that either of us could truly click and have chemistry with. Like alot of other couples, we were simply best friends. We rarely fought or argued, we disagreed at times but we would just get our points across and makeup maturely. During our 4 years together we never went a day without contact whether it was hanging out, or a 30 second hello on the phone. She would leave love notes and make desserts for me and stuff to show she was thinking of me.

 

Towards the end though things changed I'd say the last week we broke up. She seemed REALLY down and she admitted that she wasn't feeling herself. After pushing her to open up to me, she finally admitted that she didn't feel happy. Not just about us, but her life in general. She feels like she doesn't know what she wants in life and is 'confused' about everything between schooling, work, career etc. So she broke up with me that night.

 

About 3 weeks go by of no contact, I decided to send her a letter in the mail with flowers and pictures of some of our memories and she texted me. She basically talked more about the way she felt and she said she still 'loves' me and misses me like crazy and part of her wants to get back together, but then she said she doesn't want to rush back together and doesn't want to rush to make any decisions until she gets her head right. She told me she wants me to move on, not because we don't have a chance to get back together, but that it's the only healthy option and that she doesn't want to hurt me and keep me waiting. She gave the whole false hope thing by saying 'maybe a little down the road...'

 

After another month of no contact, I reached out AGAIN by texting her asking if she would like to get together for a drink or something and just catch up, to which she replied that she doesn't feel ready for that. I replied okay and we haven't been in contact since. It's been almost 3 months since the breakup and a month since last contact, and she's still on my mind at times.

It's definitely ALOT easier compared to the beginning, I've been slowly easing her out of my head and keeping myself busy with working out and getting a new job. During this time apart, I've realized that I don't regret the breakup because I feel like maybe we WERE forgetting who we were and what our priorities are. I don't resent her for breaking up with me, but I feel like I'm resenting her because I feel like after 3 months she hasn't contacted me first once. It makes me feel like she doesn't care and that I got thrown away like trash. I definitely don't plan on reaching out to her first again.

 

Anyway, I feel like she might have 'fallen out of love' with me or maybe has the GIGS. I strongly doubt she's with anyone though, as I heard she's had days at work where she cried and she even demoted herself from her management position.

With this kind of breakup, does anyone think reconciling is possible in the future if we both work on ourselves? We're 22 btw; when we broke up I NEVER begged, blew her phone up or stopped by her work and never left it on bad terms. I never showed desperation, I just let her go with my pride and dignity. Does anyone think 'anythings possible' at this point?

[Jasum]

So this is a very confusing situation. I was dating this girl for 4 years and we were extremely close and very in love. We were each other's first real love and the first person in general that either of us could truly click and have chemistry with. Like alot of other couples, we were simply best friends. We rarely fought or argued, we disagreed at times but we would just get our points across and makeup maturely. During our 4 years together we never went a day without contact whether it was hanging out, or a 30 second hello on the phone. She would leave love notes and make desserts for me and stuff to show she was thinking of me.

 

Towards the end though things changed I'd say the last week we broke up. She seemed REALLY down and she admitted that she wasn't feeling herself. After pushing her to open up to me, she finally admitted that she didn't feel happy. Not just about us, but her life in general. She feels like she doesn't know what she wants in life and is 'confused' about everything between schooling, work, career etc. So she broke up with me that night.

 

About 3 weeks go by of no contact, I decided to send her a letter in the mail with flowers and pictures of some of our memories and she texted me. She basically talked more about the way she felt and she said she still 'loves' me and misses me like crazy and part of her wants to get back together, but then she said she doesn't want to rush back together and doesn't want to rush to make any decisions until she gets her head right. She told me she wants me to move on, not because we don't have a chance to get back together, but that it's the only healthy option and that she doesn't want to hurt me and keep me waiting. She gave the whole false hope thing by saying 'maybe a little down the road...'

 

After another month of no contact, I reached out AGAIN by texting her asking if she would like to get together for a drink or something and just catch up, to which she replied that she doesn't feel ready for that. I replied okay and we haven't been in contact since. It's been almost 3 months since the breakup and a month since last contact, and she's still on my mind at times.

It's definitely ALOT easier compared to the beginning, I've been slowly easing her out of my head and keeping myself busy with working out and getting a new job. During this time apart, I've realized that I don't regret the breakup because I feel like maybe we WERE forgetting who we were and what our priorities are. I don't resent her for breaking up with me, but I feel like I'm resenting her because I feel like after 3 months she hasn't contacted me first once. It makes me feel like she doesn't care and that I got thrown away like trash. I definitely don't plan on reaching out to her first again.

 

Anyway, I feel like she might have 'fallen out of love' with me or maybe has the GIGS. I strongly doubt she's with anyone though, as I heard she's had days at work where she cried and she even demoted herself from her management position.

With this kind of breakup, does anyone think reconciling is possible in the future if we both work on ourselves? We're 22 btw; when we broke up I NEVER begged, blew her phone up or stopped by her work and never left it on bad terms. I never showed desperation, I just let her go with my pride and dignity. Does anyone think 'anythings possible' at this point?

 

 

Yeah , personally I do , from the looks of it she wants to move on cause she doesnt wanna hurt you and keep you waiting . :eek: I think you guys could have something hell , I'd try to be really good friends and see where it goes from there . Just work on being close friends then go from there ?

[Eslaaa]

So this is a very confusing situation. I was dating this girl for 4 years and we were extremely close and very in love. We were each other's first real love and the first person in general that either of us could truly click and have chemistry with. Like alot of other couples, we were simply best friends. We rarely fought or argued, we disagreed at times but we would just get our points across and makeup maturely. During our 4 years together we never went a day without contact whether it was hanging out, or a 30 second hello on the phone. She would leave love notes and make desserts for me and stuff to show she was thinking of me.

 

Towards the end though things changed I'd say the last week we broke up. She seemed REALLY down and she admitted that she wasn't feeling herself. After pushing her to open up to me, she finally admitted that she didn't feel happy. Not just about us, but her life in general. She feels like she doesn't know what she wants in life and is 'confused' about everything between schooling, work, career etc. So she broke up with me that night.

 

About 3 weeks go by of no contact, I decided to send her a letter in the mail with flowers and pictures of some of our memories and she texted me. She basically talked more about the way she felt and she said she still 'loves' me and misses me like crazy and part of her wants to get back together, but then she said she doesn't want to rush back together and doesn't want to rush to make any decisions until she gets her head right. She told me she wants me to move on, not because we don't have a chance to get back together, but that it's the only healthy option and that she doesn't want to hurt me and keep me waiting. She gave the whole false hope thing by saying 'maybe a little down the road...'

 

After another month of no contact, I reached out AGAIN by texting her asking if she would like to get together for a drink or something and just catch up, to which she replied that she doesn't feel ready for that. I replied okay and we haven't been in contact since. It's been almost 3 months since the breakup and a month since last contact, and she's still on my mind at times.

It's definitely ALOT easier compared to the beginning, I've been slowly easing her out of my head and keeping myself busy with working out and getting a new job. During this time apart, I've realized that I don't regret the breakup because I feel like maybe we WERE forgetting who we were and what our priorities are. I don't resent her for breaking up with me, but I feel like I'm resenting her because I feel like after 3 months she hasn't contacted me first once. It makes me feel like she doesn't care and that I got thrown away like trash. I definitely don't plan on reaching out to her first again.

 

Anyway, I feel like she might have 'fallen out of love' with me or maybe has the GIGS. I strongly doubt she's with anyone though, as I heard she's had days at work where she cried and she even demoted herself from her management position.

With this kind of breakup, does anyone think reconciling is possible in the future if we both work on ourselves? We're 22 btw; when we broke up I NEVER begged, blew her phone up or stopped by her work and never left it on bad terms. I never showed desperation, I just let her go with my pride and dignity. Does anyone think 'anythings possible' at this point?

 

This sounds so similar to my story!!! Except Im the girl, and he is confused about his life.

 

I also did not beg like you, and we are NC for a month now. He hasn't reached me once, and I don't think he ever will. I won't contact him either because i believe if the other person wants to come back, they ll let you know. Stay strong!

[d0nnivain]

While anything is indeed possible it's highly improbable that you two will reconcile.

 

 

Your relationship ran it's course & is now over. Both of you are fundamentally nice people & good human beings so you treat each other gently when you do contact. That is a mark of maturity not an invitation to get back together.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

But I don't understand, as close as we got and everything we shared after FOUR years, why has the relationship run its course without an actual cause? It wasn't like there was cheating or constant fighting all the time. We always agreed that we went together so well like 'puzzle pieces' and she would tell me things like she doesn't think she'd find someone she can connect to like me again and that she saw a future with me.

 

I believe that "timing" can be a problem with relationships, and maybe we both really do need to get ourselves together first? I'm not saying our relationship was 100% perfect, we had our flaws and small behaviors that BOTH of us can change. I've been working on mine, and I would hope she has too. I don't want us to get back together and hit it where we left off, I'd want us to start a NEW relationship where both of us are stronger individuals to have a stronger relationship.

Every relationship is different, I've heard alot of people say reconciling is a joke. I've also heard alot of stories that sometimes a breakup can "save" a relationship and make it so much better than it was before.

 

Again what gets to me the most is that in 3 months she hasn't reached out to me once, that's where my resentment is at.

[drewbee30]

Again what gets to me the most is that in 3 months she hasn't reached out to me once, that's where my resentment is at.

 

I think a lot of us would say, take that as a sign!