It's been 2 months of no contact, should I contact her or wait?

[bummer]

4 years and now 4 months apart, OP. Hopefully things are getting easier to let go of by now. I'm at day 4 after a year relationship with similar youthful 20's connotations.

 

I entered my "great" relationship with a girl who similarly expressed general anxiety and trust issues at the start due to past trauma in relationships with unfaithful men. I took it head on to try and show her trust and love, but we were mostly long distance which kept ripping her heart out when I left.

 

Basically, the last few months as I began transitioning back to live near her, she found she couldn't make the leap back into attraction with me and the fear of future and constant proximity made her flightful. She still called, still wanted the attachment, but the love was gone. Add to that, I kept casually texting my ex from 5 years ago which I felt was at a "healthy" platonic stage. Not for the ex, she was destroyed to find out I was keeping an "emotional connection" and finally spilled her full history of heartbreak two weaks ago and more or less pulled out entirely from the relationship. I was devastated, and I tried to back up, but the damage was done.

 

Exactly as you state, she was confused, depressed, stressed, and instead of adding a healthy anchor, I was a loose string she couldn't pull back into her new life and friends she built independently. A few arguments, too much pressure, too much serious "future" talk from me, and the GIGS came out in not so many words. She's 25, I'm nearly 30. I feel I've had healthy relationships, decent break ups, ok post-friendships, and dated pretty hard when I was 25. I had GIGS all the time! She has only pain from her past and coupled with general anxiety, new stresses, and a need to assert independence, it ended with her finally breaking up with me this week for good.

 

I started NC, but she's better at it I think because she has a few months headstart. I struggle not to call or text her. Her head was already out of the relationship and any begging or pleading in the last few months (I know, weak sauce on my part) only reinforced her commitment issues and anxiety despite still liking me and giving me breadcrumbs I helped her bake.

 

 

Long story short, reading other stories, I can only offer my sympathy for you after 4 years now lost, but best is to move on young man. I agree my girl is not and was not chasing anyone else per se, but she will, and yours will too. Right now she's working on herself as you should work on yourself.

 

Know you are not alone, and will have me and many other poor men and women as teammates in the struggle to drop those last legs of false hope and eventually stumble to the next perfect mate of your dreams.

 

Enjoy this gem:

[triple-s]

I don't think she is seeing another guy, I think she truly does want to be alone at the moment and figure things out.

 

I can bet you all the tea in china that she IS seeing another guy ... They ALWAYS say they want time alone . Its baloney . Its 300% always about another guy they lined up . Its the truth

[sowhynot]

It's always time you need.

 

I think there's a kind of LS 'rule' which says you need to allow a month per year of relationship to stop really hurting.

 

Personally, I think for a long term 'serious' relationship, you're looking at a year because you're always thinking 'this time last year we were doing this/that/ whatever'. And then of course there's the anniversary of the actual break up to go through. You're not going to forget the precise date of that in a hurry.

 

So I think you have another 8 months to get through on this one I'm afraid although it does get a lot easier towards the end.

 

Fairy stories use the phrase 'a year and a day' probably because it sounds poetic - but it's probably a good figure to really heal from a broken heart !

 

Take care - you'll do it

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. We were together for 3 years (both 22) and we mainly had a happy and loving relationship. She broke up with me for the reasons of:

 

-She's confused and doesn't know what she wants.

-Is unhappy with her life and not just the relationship. She feels like she can't make someone else happy if she's unhappy herself.Plus she felt like she relied on me and our relationship too much for her own happiness and expected too much out of me.

-Felt like she was losing her individualism because of the relationship. She felt like we were losing who we were because we ignored and put alot of things off to make time for each other instead.

-We broke up once before and it lasted a week. She says she doesn't want us to rush getting back together and wants this time apart to make a difference and that we don't get back together simply for missing each other.

 

I've done some research and have taken advice and opinions from other people and have taken the right and necessary steps I should be. I've completely respected her decision and have not 'begged' or showed any type of desperation towards her. I've been keeping busy and making positive changes to my life rather than moping around and 'stalking' her.

 

I've reached out twice during the breakup. The first was after 2 weeks of NC and I sent her a package with photos of us, a flower and a letter basically saying I'm going to continue to better myself and apologized for mistakes I've made. A month of NC went by and I reached out again in which I texted her asking if she wanted to get together to talk and catch up on what we've been doing, and she texted me 3 days later saying she isn't ready for that but is open to texting for a bit. I just thanked her for replying and left it at that, it's been 2 months of NC since.

What do you guys think, should I just wait for her since I did break NC twice and because this was her decision? Or should I not let my pride get the best of me and try opening limited contact between us?

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Btw she did give me false hope by saying she still loved me, misses me like crazy and still sees a future but that we need to get our sh*t together first. It just makes me confused because of the false hope, she's the type of person to be honest and tell me what she feels. She never mentioned anything about another guy, or falling out of love or not wanting to be with me. She just said she needs this time apart to get her life together.

[Bravedave]

THis isn't probably what you want to hear but im not going to sugar coat it.

 

 

You need to move on and let go of hope. She does not want to be with you anytime soon. You have 2 options here. Stay NC and think of trying to open the lines of communication knowing she is just going to say the same thing. you are just going to keep pushing her away. let it go. she will reach out when shes ready, and if you don't hear from her, well there is your answer

 

 

or you move on.

 

 

trust me when I say this, as I am going through a break up myself, we need to just let it go. Nothing you do, say will change her mind.

 

 

MAYBE**** if time passes now Im talking months, even years, you guys can re approach this from a different perspective, you both have healed, moved on with you lives, and approach it with a fresh perspective.

 

 

In all reality all you are doing is waiting for her to come back to you which she most likely wont do.

 

 

in basic terms. MAN UP. stop acting like a wuss, it hurts, yea I know its the worst feeling, but the faster you man up, the faster you move on, the faster you can approach this with a less emotional state.

 

 

right now you are a fragile emotional wreck and she can sense it. don't be that guy. heal up, pick yourself up and keep chugging. it is way to raw for you still right now.

[BC1980]

It would be a very bad idea to contact her. By contacting her the two times you did, you showed her that you are waiting in the background. There is no urgency on her part if she wants a second chance. From a woman's POV, contacting her would look desperate and needy. I would move on and treat this breakup as final.

[BC1980]

Btw she did give me false hope by saying she still loved me, misses me like crazy and still sees a future but that we need to get our sh*t together first. It just makes me confused because of the false hope, she's the type of person to be honest and tell me what she feels. She never mentioned anything about another guy, or falling out of love or not wanting to be with me. She just said she needs this time apart to get her life together.

 

She might have felt all those emotions in the moment, but emotions can change over time. She might not feel that way anymore. After a breakup, people are usually very emotionally charge and need time and distance to process everything. One day, you feel a certain way. The next day, you feel different. One day, she misses you. The next day, she feels it's final.

 

I preach this a lot, but it's about actions. It's not about the words someone is telling you. Words are easy. People say all kinds of stuff that they mean at the time, or she might be saying those things to let you down easy. I'm sure it's extremely difficult for her to hurt you. Her actions are letting you know that it's over, and I would take it as final quite frankly. You texted her 2 months ago, and she refused to meet up. Why do you think she has changed her mind? If she had changed her mind, she would let you know because she knows you are open to it.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

THis isn't probably what you want to hear but im not going to sugar coat it.

 

 

You need to move on and let go of hope. She does not want to be with you anytime soon. You have 2 options here. Stay NC and think of trying to open the lines of communication knowing she is just going to say the same thing. you are just going to keep pushing her away. let it go. she will reach out when shes ready, and if you don't hear from her, well there is your answer

 

 

or you move on.

 

 

trust me when I say this, as I am going through a break up myself, we need to just let it go. Nothing you do, say will change her mind.

 

 

MAYBE**** if time passes now Im talking months, even years, you guys can re approach this from a different perspective, you both have healed, moved on with you lives, and approach it with a fresh perspective.

 

 

In all reality all you are doing is waiting for her to come back to you which she most likely wont do.

 

 

in basic terms. MAN UP. stop acting like a wuss, it hurts, yea I know its the worst feeling, but the faster you man up, the faster you move on, the faster you can approach this with a less emotional state.

 

 

right now you are a fragile emotional wreck and she can sense it. don't be that guy. heal up, pick yourself up and keep chugging. it is way to raw for you still right now.

 

I'm actually not even an 'emotional wreck' anymore. I've been doing very well for myself and when I do think of her, it's not in a hurt or painful way of desperately wanting her back. I've been making alot of positive changes and getting into new hobbies and attending to things I put off, I actually feel happy rather than sad throughout the day because of my changes and progress. So I am moving on in a way. Even if there was the small chance she texted me wanting to get back together, I more than likely wouldn't rush back with her with open arms because I feel like trust was broken between us.

 

I just thought about contacting her NOT in means to get back together, but because I genuinely miss talking to her and I didn't want her completely removed from my life. She has an amazing personality and we were best friends, so it's a natural feeling. But since I have reached out twice and to no avail, you're right it is clear that she isn't making the effort that I am to keep us talking in some form.

[Satu]

Don't call her, and don't wait either.

 

Get on with enjoying your life.

 

Stop counting how long you've been NC.

 

Every day you spend waiting is a day wasted.

 

Live your life, and make it a good life to live.

 

 

Take care.

[Itspointless]

I genuinely miss talking to her and I didn't want her completely removed from my life.

That usually is the consequence of these kind of things.

 

Have you considered that perhaps this actually was not a pause but an ending? In that case you perhaps haven't started grieving yet.

[Satu]

I'm actually not even an 'emotional wreck' anymore. I've been doing very well for myself and when I do think of her, it's not in a hurt or painful way of desperately wanting her back. I've been making alot of positive changes and getting into new hobbies and attending to things I put off, I actually feel happy rather than sad throughout the day because of my changes and progress. So I am moving on in a way. Even if there was the small chance she texted me wanting to get back together, I more than likely wouldn't rush back with her with open arms because I feel like trust was broken between us.

 

I just thought about contacting her NOT in means to get back together, but because I genuinely miss talking to her and *I didn't want her completely removed from my life. She has an amazing personality and we were best friends, so it's a natural feeling. But since I have reached out twice and to no avail, you're right it is clear that she isn't making the effort that I am to keep us talking in some form.

 

*Thats a pity, because she's already removed you from hers...

[Simon Phoenix]

Terrible idea. You aren't in the planet of being ready to talk to her or be a platonic friend. She knows you want her, but she does not want you. It sucks, but that's life. If she reconsiders, she knows how to get a hold of you.

[d0nnivain]

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. We were together for 3 years (both 22) and we mainly had a happy and loving relationship. She broke up with me

 

 

I've reached out twice during the breakup.

 

What do you guys think, should I just wait for her since I did break NC twice and because this was her decision? Or should I not let my pride get the best of me and try opening limited contact between us?

 

 

You need to stop for your own sanity.

 

First back in March you said you had been together 4 years. Now it's 3. Back then you also said you had already been NC for 3 months.

 

Well here it is May & you continue to chase a woman who has rejected you multiple times. You need to stop trying. She is not coming back.

 

The relationship you started as teens did not survive the transition to adulthood. All her "reasons" about being unhappy in her life & wanting to maintain her independence all boil down to one inescapable concept: She wants to be free from you.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are doing yourself a huge disservice. You have to accept that this is over & you two are never going to reconcile. You cannot begin to heal until you do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it's hard OP, but it's really over.

 

We ladies don't let that much time pass if we want to reconnect with a man, especially if he's made a gesture to remind us of the good times.

 

There's no point in reaching out yet again. It's better if you consider this truly done so you can start moving on.

[d0nnivain]

I just thought about contacting her NOT in means to get back together, but because I genuinely miss talking to her and I didn't want her completely removed from my life. She has an amazing personality and we were best friends, so it's a natural feeling. But since I have reached out twice and to no avail, you're right it is clear that she isn't making the effort that I am to keep us talking in some form.

 

That is one of the more heartbreaking parts of this. The problem is, it's much too soon for you to even try a friendship.

 

Even if you were successful in having a pleasant conversation, there are limited things you can talk about. You can't go deep because you are in pain & you can't be the ones to comfort each other over the loss of your relationship. Even when you get happy again, it's not like you can talk about the new person in your life. An EX doesn't want to hear that. Plus your new SO doesn't want you to have anything to do with an EX.

 

It's a lose lose proposition. NC is all there is.

[Satu]

Giving up unfounded hope is very liberating.

 

That's when people start to notice new opportunities.

 

Give it up.

[BC1980]

That is one of the more heartbreaking parts of this. The problem is, it's much too soon for you to even try a friendship.

 

Even if you were successful in having a pleasant conversation, there are limited things you can talk about. You can't go deep because you are in pain & you can't be the ones to comfort each other over the loss of your relationship. Even when you get happy again, it's not like you can talk about the new person in your life. An EX doesn't want to hear that. Plus your new SO doesn't want you to have anything to do with an EX.

 

It's a lose lose proposition. NC is all there is.

 

OP, you should heed this advice right here. You cannot be friends with her. You are bargaining a way to keep her in your life. A true friendship forms organically, and each party is in agreement upon the wants and needs. A friendship with your ex would be awkward. There is usually no middle ground. Even exes that I have no feelings for, we don't have genuine friendships for various reasons. For one, they are both married, and it's not appropriate.

[sorano]

Trust me on this one. keep no contact. Believe me. I know this all to well.

[Satu]

I would say never wait for someone to want you.

 

If they don't want you now, they don't want you.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

You need to stop for your own sanity.

 

First back in March you said you had been together 4 years. Now it's 3. Back then you also said you had already been NC for 3 months.

 

Well here it is May & you continue to chase a woman who has rejected you multiple times. You need to stop trying. She is not coming back.

 

The relationship you started as teens did not survive the transition to adulthood. All her "reasons" about being unhappy in her life & wanting to maintain her independence all boil down to one inescapable concept: She wants to be free from you.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are doing yourself a huge disservice. You have to accept that this is over & you two are never going to reconcile. You cannot begin to heal until you do that.

 

Sorry for that confusion. As I said before, I don't mope around and get all depressed over her. For the most part I'm positive and content throughout my day and always keeping busy, but I have moments of weakness where I really miss her and wonder if she'll ever text me or ever want to get back together down the road. The history we had was incredible, almost everything reminds me of her. Everything. I KNOW she's hurting and thinks about me from time to time and literally just wants to be alone.

She has social anxiety and doesn't even do relationships, so I just thought she wouldn't let me go (the ONLY person that's come into her life) so easily and willingly. It's a shame.

 

Whenever I get that moment of wondering what she's up to or the thought of even texting her, I come here and re-post about my situation to have new opinions and have people in a way talk me out of it.

 

I've even gone on a couple of small dates with different girls, pretty ones, and I just wasn't feeling it to take things further. I felt like I was comparing them to my ex too much, but it definitely gave me a huge confidence boost that other women 'want me' in a way. I'm not the guy to rebound and 'use' other girls to get over my ex.

[Itspointless]

but I have moments of weakness where I really miss her [...] I've even gone on a couple of small dates with different girls [...] I felt like I was comparing them to my ex too much

Meh, weakness ... So I was right, you haven't grieved.

I KNOW she's hurting and thinks about me from time to time and literally just wants to be alone. She has social anxiety and doesn't even do relationships, so I just thought she wouldn't let me go (the ONLY person that's come into her life) so easily and willingly. It's a shame.

So apparently you weren't superman to her. Is it a shame, or does it annoy you a bit?

 

Come on man, don't be so rational, feel a bit! If you want to move on than you need to face your sadness, your anger and everything else. You remind me of some friends who can only cry or show emotions when they are drunk.

[MIK3 WB]

I appreciate everyone's honest opinion, but I just don't think that's the case with her seeing someone else. I'm not saying it's not possible, but I think it's very unlikely. The thing is she has weird social anxiety which makes her anti-social. She's very nice to people, but she doesn't like getting CLOSE to people. When I first knew her, it took us 4 months of going on dates and getting to know each other before she trusted me enough to be official because she was afraid of getting hurt by someone (which ironically she's doing to me). After all the feelings and everything we've gone through together, I just don't think she's seeing someone else that quickly. She was seeming a little depressed between work and figuring out school stuff though. She worked 40 hours and whenever she did have free time, we were together so idk how she even had the time to talk to anyone anyway

 

Sounds exactly like my ex. She ended it with me telling me she didn't have time for a relationship. Two weeks later I caught her with one of her colleagues who she always maintained was "just a friend". She confessed that she likes him and that she wants a relationship with him. It's really a tough thing to go through.

[ydb_xo]

letting you down easy. if she wants the space and time alone, give her that space. and if you do it right and do hard core no contact, she will miss you and wonder why you didnt contact her at all. in my experience, when they do the its not you its me, there could be someone else in the picture...and its not that she cheated on you, its just shes interested in the person and doesnt want to get deeper if she stll has you.

[dave_1966]

'she's just not that type to hurt me like that'

 

Really? I'm 49, how many times do you reckon I've heard that line off guys I've known for the last thirty years, only to find their ex had met someone shiny and new.....