It's been 2 months of no contact, should I contact her or wait?

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Yeah , personally I do , from the looks of it she wants to move on cause she doesnt wanna hurt you and keep you waiting . :eek: I think you guys could have something hell , I'd try to be really good friends and see where it goes from there . Just work on being close friends then go from there ?

 

I pitched the idea if we could be friends, she said she'd love to but wouldn't know how. And she never made the attempt.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

I think a lot of us would say, take that as a sign!

 

Unfortunately it's a very common problem for us 'dumpees'. Idk how anyone could get so close to someone and just not talk to them again after all they've been through. I honestly could never do that, not sure if that makes me stronger or weaker than her.

[mightycpa]

But I don't understand, as close as we got and everything we shared after FOUR years, why has the relationship run its course without an actual cause?

Because, as you will see when you look back at your life decades from now, you were just beginning a phase where constant change is the norm.

 

Unless you're Clem, consigned to working the fields for the rest of your life on the same farm that you grew up on, things are going to start happening for you. You're going to meet new people, have new opportunities, and hopefully, expand you horizons a great deal. Innately, your brain knows this and so does hers. That doesn't mean she understands it, and that's at least partly the reason for her wishy-washy way of explaining her mindset.

 

As for "the GIGS", think of if more like your relationship has run given each of you all it can give, and there's only so much you had to teach each other at these early ages. Other people are required now, so don't shy away. If you think for a minute that you were lucky enough to have found that one person out of 6 billion or so that was just right for you, right at the beginning of your life, then I'd encourage you to do the math and think again. Same goes for her. The law of large numbers says it is improbable at best, and likely impossible, even though it feels like it right now to you. Young love seems to be always destined to end too soon for one of you. Almost like a law of the universe. You're following in the footsteps of most of mankind. Don't fight what is only natural.

 

Out with the old and in with the new, my friend. You'd do yourself a big favor by telling her goodbye next time you're in contact.

Edited April 15, 2016 by mightycpa

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Because, as you will see when you look back at your life decades from now, you were just beginning a phase where constant change is the norm.

 

Unless you're Clem, consigned to working the fields for the rest of your life on the same farm that you grew up on, things are going to start happening for you. You're going to meet new people, have new opportunities, and hopefully, expand you horizons a great deal. Innately, your brain knows this and so does hers. That doesn't mean she understands it, and that's at least partly the reason for her wishy-washy way of explaining her mindset.

 

As for "the GIGS", think of if more like your relationship has run given each of you all it can give, and there's only so much you had to teach each other at these early ages. Other people are required now, so don't shy away. If you think for a minute that you were lucky enough to have found that one person out of 6 billion or so that was just right for you, right at the beginning of your life, then I'd encourage you to do the math and think again. Same goes for her. The law of large numbers says it is improbable at best, and likely impossible, even though it feels like it right now to you. Young love seems to be always destined to end too soon for one of you. Almost like a law of the universe. You're following in the footsteps of most of mankind. Don't fight what is only natural.

 

Out with the old and in with the new, my friend. You'd do yourself a big favor by telling her goodbye next time you're in contact.

 

Yes, it is human nature and it happens. But it doesn't happen to EVERY couple. There are many couples that end up truly happy together and spend many, many years together. She said she could see that being us, I believed it. I'm not saying I'll never move on, because each day is better than the last and I am using this time apart to be a better image of myself, but it still shocks me how close you can get to a person and just never talk to them again and completely kick them out of your life. Again, it's understandable if you aren't compatible or cheating was involved, but that didn't happen with us.

 

I've had many opportunities to date girls, but I never took them because I didn't see us as a match and they just weren't what I was looking for. She went through the same thing, had countless opportunities to date men and never took it because she wanted to wait. Then we found each other. It openly and honestly sucks that it ended this way, but I've accepted how it is. I'm just going to stick with 'never say never' and see what life does.

[JuanDelToro]

What mightycpa said, pretty much summarizes everything.

 

To add to that, be grateful that this good person existed in your life, accept the lessons coming out from this experience and move on to bigger and better things.

Also keep in mind that future reconciliation will always be a possibility (without letting this holding you back), but it could be many months, years before that happens. Don`t seek quick reconciliation because it usually leads to nowhere, time was not enough for those involved to grow and change on a personal level.

[mightycpa]

Yes, it is human nature and it happens. But it doesn't happen to EVERY couple. There are many couples that end up truly happy together and spend many, many years together.

Again, 6 billion people on the planet. There's many couples that do somehow manage to stay together in this modern world, but it's a tiny percentage, especially in the developed world.

 

I suppose that there's a more permanent kind of bonding going on when you're scratching for every meal and it really is you and her against the world. But the more comfortable life gets, the more opportunities come your way. Plus, in that scratching for an existence world, you probably don't live that long.

[oldshirt]

 

Again what gets to me the most is that in 3 months she hasn't reached out to me once, that's where my resentment is at.

 

 

 

Let's have a little reality check here - this is what breaking up is.

 

 

First off, If she wanted to be with you she wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place.

 

 

Secondly, you have given her two opportunities on a silver platter to reconcile and she hasn't.

 

 

There's your signs.

[Eslaaa]

But I don't understand, as close as we got and everything we shared after FOUR years, why has the relationship run its course without an actual cause? It wasn't like there was cheating or constant fighting all the time. We always agreed that we went together so well like 'puzzle pieces' and she would tell me things like she doesn't think she'd find someone she can connect to like me again and that she saw a future with me.

 

I believe that "timing" can be a problem with relationships, and maybe we both really do need to get ourselves together first? I'm not saying our relationship was 100% perfect, we had our flaws and small behaviors that BOTH of us can change. I've been working on mine, and I would hope she has too. I don't want us to get back together and hit it where we left off, I'd want us to start a NEW relationship where both of us are stronger individuals to have a stronger relationship.

Every relationship is different, I've heard alot of people say reconciling is a joke. I've also heard alot of stories that sometimes a breakup can "save" a relationship and make it so much better than it was before.

 

Again what gets to me the most is that in 3 months she hasn't reached out to me once, that's where my resentment is at.

 

I think she is in a similar state as my ex (we dated for 3 years and he broke up with me "out of the blue" too), she is probably hurting but decided this is best for her(and you). She doesnt want to give you false hope by contacting you, unless she's 100% sure she wants to reconcile. It is only been three months, it is very unlikely given the reason she broke up with you that she ll return anytime soon, if at all.

 

I know sometimes we feel like things arent making sense to us. But that is because we do not know what the other person is thinking all along. Though you felt the 4 year relationship you had with her were happy and fulfilling, this might not be the case for her. She might feel there were something missing in the relationship, maybe something she didnt like but never voiced about.

 

Think of it as she lost someone who genuinely loved her, where you lost someone who wasn't sure about you. In my case, I tell myself that I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him, who can't wait to spend time with me, to commit to me and to marry me, not someone doubts our relationship and might leave anytime. Give more credits to yourself, you deserve someone who values your relationship more!

[oldshirt]

And I will agree with what the others have already said. This has ran it's course.

 

 

This happened to me when I was 19 and then again when I was 22 and again when I was 26 and again when I was 30 so I know the feeling. a couple times I was the one getting dumped. The other times I was the dumper.

 

 

The harsh truth of the world is the vast majority of relationships end. Of the ones that don't, the vast majority of those probably should. It's a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny percentage of first loves that make it happily and healthily through a full life span and part at death in old age. The other 99.99999999999999% either dissolve at some point or they live, long miserable lives together and probably should have split at some point.

 

 

I know it's confusing and heartbreaking, but it's actually good that there wasn't "cause" here and that there wasn't any huge fights or overt cheating (actually you are going to soon find out that there is/was another person involved) etc etc It sucks really bad now but once you let go, you will be truly free to move without baggage and lingering resentments.

 

 

And that is what you truly need to do - move on. She is actually doing you a favor by not letting you hang on to false hope and is not trying to keep you on stand by for when things don't work out with this other

guy(s). Most young women do keep their last guy waiting on the shelf while they test drive the next one(s). At least she let you go cleanly. Take that opportunity and move on.

[PinkElephants]

She said she could see that being us, I believed it.

She likely meant it at the time too but things change as you grow up.

 

When I started college I went in certain of what I wanted to do, let's say I wanted to be an artist. I believed it at the time. By the time I was 22 I was in a totally different program. I hadn't been insincere about wanting to be an artist but things changed, I grew up and it just wasn't what I wanted anymore.

 

Likewise, she was probably sure at one time that you were it but things changed and that doesn't mean she never meant it.

 

But I don't understand, as close as we got and everything we shared after FOUR years, why has the relationship run its course without an actual cause?

Because people, goals, circumstances change. Four years isn't a guarantee of anything; she could have changed her mind after four months or forty years. You may have done nothing wrong but something within her changed and that's the cause.

 

I feel like I'm resenting her because I feel like after 3 months she hasn't contacted me first once. It makes me feel like she doesn't care and that I got thrown away like trash.

Your resentment is the result of disappointed expectations. You expected her to contact you and she didn't. She dumped you so I don't understand why you had that expectation but you clearly did and that rests squarely on your shoulders, not hers.

 

You didn't get thrown away like trash; you're not trash. You seem like a nice guy and you have a handle on your emotions and moving on. Continue the work you want to do for yourself rather than with the goal of getting back together because that'll just lead to more resentment.

[oldshirt]

Now to answer the question of your title, yes, sometimes people do get back together.

 

 

But the ones that get back together in a healthy, functional manner do it many many years or even decades later after they have developed and changed into completely different people.

 

 

At 22 there is just so much changing and developing as a man and as a person that each of you are going to do. It's really a wonder that you two stayed together as long as you did.

 

 

I'm 52 years old now, have been married for 20 years, have 2 kids, a home, 2 cars, 2 motorcyles etc. I went through this a few times in my youth and a couple times was quite devastated when 2 different people swore to me their undying love one day and then dumped me cold literally within the next week (and yes, I eventually found out there was other

guy(s) involved) do I know the pain and confusion.

 

 

But if I could write a message to my 22 year old self, my recommendation would be to walk away, don't look back, keep moving forward and live as good a life as I could starting today. not tomorrow, not next week, but right now today.

 

 

Go out and do fun things with buddies. Join a club that interests you. Work out and get buff. Engage in good healthy hobbies. And ask out any girl that catches your interest and go out and have fun with them and appreciate then for there own assets and don't compare them to your ex.

 

 

Don't look back and don't dwell on this because that will foster resentment and bitterness like a chronic infection and will mark you as damaged, needy and pathetic which will scare other girls away from you, and then even if you do start to get involved with someone else, it will taint and infect that relationship with your baggage. Let this go.

 

 

You did nothing wrong and nothing bad happened, so don't let it taint you or infect your future relationships. Stay out of Resentmentville and BitternessTown.

 

 

View it as future opportunities gained, not past love lost. One door closes, other doors open.

 

 

That doesn't mean there won't be sadness and disappointment now. But don't let it taint your or poison you. In time you will look back and appreciate the opportunities that you were able to achieve, not bemoan what you lost.

[d0nnivain]

It ran it's course because you started dating at 18. 4 years later she grew up & changed her mind about what she wanted out of life. Perhaps she wanted to be single. Perhaps she wanted to see what else was out there. Perhaps she had GIGs. Who knows? All I do know is what you told us: she broke up with you. You can't change that fact

 

 

You offered her friendship & reconciliation. She has accepted neither. She has not contacted you for 3 months because she doesn't want to give you false hope. She knows that trying to be your friend will make you think she wants to get back together. It will also keep both of you from healing & moving on.

 

 

It stinks that a constant in your life is no more. But it happens. Yes, some couples do move on to happily ever after but at 15-25 more don't.

[leepetrus]

It ran it's course because you started dating at 18. 4 years later she grew up & changed her mind about what she wanted out of life. Perhaps she wanted to be single. Perhaps she wanted to see what else was out there. Perhaps she had GIGs. Who knows? All I do know is what you told us: she broke up with you. You can't change that fact

 

 

You offered her friendship & reconciliation. She has accepted neither. She has not contacted you for 3 months because she doesn't want to give you false hope. She knows that trying to be your friend will make you think she wants to get back together. It will also keep both of you from healing & moving on.

 

 

It stinks that a constant in your life is no more. But it happens. Yes, some couples do move on to happily ever after but at 15-25 more don't.

 

This guy said it all.

It's out of your control, as it always was. Let it go for the best.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Thanks everyone for the replies and opinions. Talking about my situation and having other people share their experiences or opinions definitely helps since I don't really have anyone in my actual life to talk about it really.

 

When it comes to her, I definitely feel like it WILL be her loss and she'll realize it one day. It might not be today, tomorrow, next week or even this year; but one day she will realize that she let a really good guy go. I'm not saying she'll never find another guy she can get as close to as what we had, but I for sure think it'll take her a very long time or a few guys to find it. The time apart made me realize alot of flaws and immature behaviors that I had in the relationship and I've been working to change them to be a better individual and image of myself, that's why I tried reaching out thinking she might come back, but I've been rejected twice. That's enough for me since I was the considerate one. If we WERE to get back together, she'd have to put in serious effort. I almost would expect her to show up at my house randomly, crying and apologizing that she made a mistake for me to want to. But that wont happen.

 

The thing that bothers me is it may seem like she is trying not to give me false hope, but really she already did. Telling me things like she 'needs this time apart to find herself' and that 'their's still a chance for us to be together and still sees a future together', that IS giving false hope.

As for the contact thing, I wouldn't want to talk to her everyday or anything, but again I'm just surprised after 3 months she's never asked how I was. I feel like if I were to breakup with someone I cared about, maybe after a month I would probably just ask how they're doing and that's about it. It makes me wonder what's going on through her mind and if she's even hurting at all.

And just to clarify, she isn't seeing anyone. She has serious anxiety issues and she doesn't like getting close to people. I had to seriously fight to get into her life when I first knew her, I doubt anybody could come in that easily. I think she literally just wants to be alone for awhile. Our problem in our relationship was we relied too much on each other and forgot about alot of other priorities.

 

Anyway I'm going to continue to better myself with working out and getting into shape. I'm starting a new and better paying job soon and I plan on buying a nice car. The only thing that's lacking is a woman that appreciates me lol but I'm confident she'll find me before I find her.

[Marc878]

You really need to move on like she did.

 

If you're smart you'll block her on everything and go dark.

 

It'll get you where you need to be a lot faster.

[mightycpa]

I'm just surprised after 3 months she's never asked how I was. I feel like if I were to breakup with someone I cared about, maybe after a month I would probably just ask how they're doing and that's about it. It makes me wonder what's going on through her mind and if she's even hurting at all.

You're a very confused guy alright. To put your mind at rest, it's not like she hates you, but she doesn't care as much as she once did, or as you do, or even as much as you'd want to believe. Because if she did, she'd probably touch base to see how you're doing.

 

You can't know what's going through her mind, but based on what she told you and how she's acted since, she's not hurting. She's free, and unless you've felt like that yourself, you have no idea how possible it is to feel nothing substantive for someone you used to love. But it happens every day.

 

You're seeing things from your perspective. Try seeing things from the perspective of someone who is done, and you'll understand exactly why you haven't heard from her.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Sorry for the long post. So it's been 3 months since the breakup and I still think about her everyday. Now, when I think of her it's mainly because of things that remind me of her. When I get reminded of her, I think of her. Then when I think of her, I have to do things to get my mind off of her and the process repeats itself throughout the day. I've been trying to keep busy with working out/going to the gym, getting a new job and about to take on a second job, and being outside more and getting things done or doing hobbies that I never had the time to do when I was with her.

When I think about her I don't get that hurt, painful feeling anymore. It's more of "oh yeah I used to do that with her" but I really miss her and wonder what she's feeling. It sucks because I still have dreams of her and practically everytime my phone goes off either from text or a call, I almost hope that it might be her. Or whenever I hear a knock at my door I expect it's her.

 

To recap what happened, we're both 22 and dated for 4 years. She broke up with me 3 months ago because she wasn't happy with her life. She started getting depressed with not knowing what she wanted in life and getting stressed over school and work. She kept saying she didn't know what she wanted and that she was losing her individualism because she felt like she relied on me and the relationship alot for her own happiness. She wants to make herself happy before she can make me happy, which makes sense...

She told me to move on for it was the healthiest thing to do for our situation because she doesn't want a time limit or mess with my feelings, but then she said she STILL sees a future with me and that "maybe a little down the road when we have ourselves figured out, we can have a chance again" which IS giving false hope in my opinion.

 

When she broke up with me I've gone completely incognito. I never begged or blew her phone up, never stalked her by showing up at her house/work or looked for ways to bump into her in public; we went no contact. I broke contact a month ago asking if she wanted to catch up and she replied she isn't ready for that but was open to texting that night, I just thanked her for replying and been in no contact since.

She doesn't do social media and we don't share a group of friends, so I have absolutely no clue what she's been doing and she doesn't for me either. It bothers me that she hasn't reached out to me once since the breakup and I just keep reminding myself that if she wanted anything to do with me she would have caved by now. I've been giving myself ammo by telling myself that she's with another guy or she's completely done with me or never loved me, which I know none of those are true but it helps keep my feelings at bay and keeps me from wanting to contact her.

 

I was hoping I could get opinions or advice to help me from thinking about her or what I can do. I know I'm taking steps in the right direction but I still have these thoughts that their's still a glimmer of hope she'll come back and that she's the one for me, when I shouldn't have these thoughts since it prevents me from fully moving on.

[sorano]

Its going to take time my friend. I am 4 months out and its been a huge struggle. She dumped me out of the blue. I know the pain your feeling and what you described is happening to you, is whats happening to me, and all of us on here. You try to keep busy but they just keep replaying in our minds.

 

There is nothing else we can do. I too, would get excited if I got a text or a call, thinking it was her saying she wanted to come back. I also used to think, what is going on in her mind. Does she still like me? I know. we just have to let time take its course.

[BaymaxBear]

Hey man I just got out of a four year relationship.. The best thing for you is to get out and try new things and stay busy. My ex was my first love but somehow she lost attraction for me.. Truth is I moved away for med school and she started to like another guy. Anyway, forget whatever happened and focus on YOU!! She doesn't deserve your attention bra. Truth is I think of my ex everyday but it's not the same thoughts that used to consume me. It's been five months since our breakup and I went hardcore no contact, no easy task trust me. You can't let thinking of her get in the way of daily activities. Y'all share a plethora of memories so thinking of her is inevitable.. She played an immense role in your life. However, you have to cease thinking you are in control and know that your ego is mainly hurt not your heart. What helped me is knowing that she was not thinking about me even when she would text and say she missed me. Girls are great manipulators and will say what they feel at that moment rather than logically thinking of another's feelings. You have to get her off of that pedistool man because there's a great girl around the corner waiting for someone like you.

Edited April 29, 2016 by BaymaxBear

[BaymaxBear]

Also don't listen to her when she says maybe down the road or in the future... Girls say this much more than guys because it makes them feel less guilty. Truth is it creates a sense of false hope. Don't fall into that trap of hoping she will come back because it delays the healing process. I know easier said than done but you are strong man we all are.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Trust me guys, I'm definitely not 'waiting' around for her or getting depressed or sad everyday over her. Since 4 years is such a long time to be with someone, it's hard to fully let go and just not think about her. I just feel like if I was in her shoes and dumped someone I've been with for 4 years, I would at least contact them to ask how they're doing or something after a month because I'm just the caring type; unless of course they did something truly bad to me.

 

It amazes me how someone can throw someone they once deeply cared about away like trash. Our relationship wasn't perfect all the time, which none are, but we had more good things about us than bad. I don't think she is seeing another guy, I think she truly does want to be alone at the moment and figure things out. Even before she made the decision, she never became distant or acted tired of me. She was still calling and texting me everyday. You just would think after 3 months, she'd become curious over time you know?

 

I'm taking on a second job at a food place just to meet girls honestly, not even for the money. I'm not the 'rebound' type, but I'd be open to seeing where things lead to. Who knows, she might even be doing the same thing for all I know.

[LD1990]

I just feel like if I was in her shoes and dumped someone I've been with for 4 years, I would at least contact them to ask how they're doing or something after a month because I'm just the caring type; unless of course they did something truly bad to me.

 

Her way may seem cold, but in all honesty it's better than your hypothetical more caring approach. Like you said, the fact that she hasn't caved and contacted you reinforces that she doesn't want to be with you. If she contacted you to see how you're doing, you'd likely be analyzing what she said, contemplating what it all means, and asking us if this was a sign she wanted to get back together. It's human nature. She's doing you a favor by giving you a clean break, even if it doesn't feel that way and she's really doing it for herself, not you.

[RecentChange]

Honestly - time, it just takes time. You will eventually move on, the triggers and memories will fade.

 

I have just casual relationships and suffered the "I think about him every day" for months post break up - let alone a four year run.

 

Keeping busy is good, working on loving and improving yourself is great - and if there are any prospects out there, a cute girl can be a great distraction.

 

But in the end - time, more time. Hang in there.

[Pumpingiron]

I'm in the same boat. It amazes me how she can easily just cut me out of her life like I was nothing. I saw her one day and the next she was gone forever. I had a great day with her (she even said herself it was amazing) then we had a stupid, big argument that night over text which was probably the biggest argument we'd had in 2 years. Next minute she leaves me over text and has not looked back since... I contacted her once after a month of NC and she was friendly but had no interest so I quickly ended the conversation. She has not initiated any contact with me even though I truly thought she loved me. She never even told me she didn't love me anymore when I asked her, she just said "I don't know anymore". I don't understand it but I'm not contacting her again and to be honest if she came back I don't even think I'd want her back, especially if she'd been with someone else. I realised that she changed near the end of the relationship and the woman I am in love with is the person she used to be, not who she is anymore. So yeah, you're not alone brother.

[Rachel39]

I'm 4 months in and think about it him all day long ever day as soon as I wake up untill I go to sleep and nothing triggers it its just there.

 

The worst thing is I have OCD ( thoughts) im sat here wanting to cry because but holding it back because I'm really struggling with this and I just want my brain to have a rest and it hasn't done for 4 months.

 

I'm emotional, exhausted, missing him and just want my life back and this to go away!