Am I right to feel very upset by this?

[Loman]

So I've been seeing this woman for 3 months now. We live a bit far from each other, but have spent all weekends together. We're both in our 30s.

 

Things have been going great, except that sometimes there will be something I say/do that makes her very upset; she may barely talk to me for some hours. I usually feel pretty clueless about what just happened, or that her reaction is way out of proportion. This has happened 4 times now. It particularly bothers me when I feel like she tries to get even and hurt me in some way.

 

For example, the first time this happened was about 2-3 weeks into our relationship, when we both filled out an online personality test, that had some results concerning our relationship (we weren't aware that these results would be available before completing it). One of the results was how committed we were in our relationship. She wanted us to compare results. My commitment score was 3.7 in 5. Hers was 5 in 5. I know, that's pretty high for such a short relationship. Anyway, she didn't take that well. It made her feel like she liked me more than I liked her, and that upset her.

 

Right after this happened, we had lunch at a pretty expensive place. I wasn't sure how upset she was at the time, sometimes it seemed that she was only joking about being upset. But then came the time to pay the bill, and up to this point it was normal for us to split the bill, or at least offer to pay (which is the norm in my country). But she didn't say anything, and I payed it. At the time I wasn't sure why she didn't say anything, but later she told me she was sorry that she let me pay the whole bill. I found this pretty troubling, that she would do something like that. She said that it wasn't premeditated, just that when the time came to pay the bill she didn't feel like saying anything, because she was mad at me.

 

Anyway, this was just for some context, it isn't even the main reason I'm writing here. Sorry for making this so long.

 

What upset me recently was that last weekend we went out for lunch with two common male friends/acquaintances we had previously met online (which was how we actually met each other). It went great, and then we went for a walk in the park.

 

It was raining, I didn't have an umbrella, so I was holding my girlfriend's umbrella for both of us. At some point we were all standing under a tree, and talked for some time. Then the rain almost stopped, so I closed the umbrella. One of these "friends" (let's call him Mike) said to me, in a playful manner, "Your arm must be tired from holding that umbrella for so long". I said something like "Hmm, not really :)". Then he added, "She didn't even offer to hold it for you!" (this ties in to a conversation about feminism we were having before). I said "I wasn't even thinking of that... guess I'm used to it :)". That was just what popped out of my mouth at the time, it was meant as a joke. My girlfriend reacted by saying "Whaat?!". I thought she was being playful too. But shortly after, it started to rain again, and when I opened the umbrella for her, she looked at me strangely, and I knew then that she was really upset.

 

Although I had been patient with her the previous times she was upset, this time I got mad. "I can't believe this is happening AGAIN", I thought. So I stopped talking to her too; I could barely stand to look in her direction. Then she started talking to Mike much more than before, and laughing more at his jokes. We went to a small art gallery, and they were happily commenting on the paintings together, while I was sulking behind. This made me feel like crap. Especially since I know that Mike had been interested in my girlfriend before, and she knew that I could feel jealous. I'm not very social (and neither is my girlfriend, usually), so I can easily feel insecure in these situations.

 

Anyway, this went on for almost two hours; 80% of the time Mike and my girlfriend happily talking to each other, me silent most of the time. I don't know how she can be that way if she's upset, I certainly couldn't. I felt that this was her way of getting revenge. Or was I being too sensitive, and what was happening was really not that bad? I couldn't (and still can't) tell.

 

When the time finally came to leave, me and my girlfriend headed to the hotel where we had planned to stay the night. It was a 50 minute train ride, and we spent most of the ride silent.

 

At the hotel we finally talked. She usually has difficultly opening up to me, but this time she finally did. She said that she didn't really know why she got so angry with what I said, about me "being used to it". She then asked if I was really sure, that there wasn't some truth to what I said. I reassured her that definitely not. She seemed more relieved.

 

I told her that when I feel like she's trying to get back at me for something I did, it really hurts. I told her that I felt like she was trying to make me feel jealous with Mike. She reacted as if that was pretty absurd. She said that I had stopped talking to her, and that she didn't want to talk to me since she was angry at me, so the natural thing to do was to talk more to Mike. She said that she didn't, at least as far as she could tell, want to make me jealous. But she admitted that she was less careful in the way she talked to him in front of me than before she got angry, though.

 

She also mentioned the situation where she didn't want to pay for the bill a couple months before. She said that when I told her that if it were me, no matter how angry I was with her, I would never do that, it made her feel like a monster. I felt bad for having made her feel that way, and considered that I may have been too harsh.

 

Anyway, I accepted her explanation and we made up. The next day was awesome, we had a great time together. Then, on the ride back home, I started thinking about what happened when we met with our friends/acquaintances. I started to feel really bad again. I felt that she humiliated me. That it was really bad what she did.

 

So I basically can't decide if what she did was really that bad, or if I'm being over-sensitive. It's not like she was obviously flirting with the guy. On the other hand, she should have known that I would feel hurt with the way she acted, and she didn't seem to care at the time. And I didn't even do anything that bad for her to get that angry, as far as I can tell.

 

What do you think? Thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

You both play mind-games and your communications skills suck.

It seems to be a constant game of controlling one-upmanship.

Be careful. This could certainly hamper a smooth relationship.

 

I think you guys need to get to the bottom of why there is this need to gain the upper hand and be controlling.

Admittedly, from what you say, she "started it" with the ridiculous behaviour over paying for a meal. But you should have thrashed out the matter then.

 

This is just a game of wills, and it will end in tears.

 

On-line relationship assessments?

 

Oh good grief.....

[Loman]

You both play mind-games and your communications skills suck.

It seems to be a constant game of controlling one-upmanship.

Be careful. This could certainly hamper a smooth relationship.

 

I think you guys need to get to the bottom of why there is this need to gain the upper hand and be controlling.

Admittedly, from what you say, she "started it" with the ridiculous behaviour over paying for a meal. But you should have thrashed out the matter then.

 

This is just a game of wills, and it will end in tears.

 

On-line relationship assessments?

 

Oh good grief.....

 

Where did you get that I'm trying to be controlling and gain the upper hand? Yes, she did "start it" and I found her behavior immature, but I wanted to talk it out and I told her exactly how it made me feel.

 

Regarding the online personality test, I didn't take it seriously, and didn't even think it was a good idea to show the results, but she insisted. It was a reputable psychological test by the way, although I agree that it really shouldn't matter.

[VeveCakes]

Back the train. She deliberately let you pay the bill because she was mad. Normally I would say pay the bill to be generous but knowing she had a motive is odd.

 

Second, why was she mad about the umbrella? Like seriously, that is beyond ridiculous. I can't deal with these people who get mad over stuff like this. How do they cope with real problems like abuse, cheating, sick families etc?

 

I say run, she's a headcase.

[Loman]

Back the train. She deliberately let you pay the bill because she was mad. Normally I would say pay the bill to be generous but knowing she had a motive is odd.

 

Second, why was she mad about the umbrella? Like seriously, that is beyond ridiculous. I can't deal with these people who get mad over stuff like this. How do they cope with real problems like abuse, cheating, sick families etc?

 

I say run, she's a headcase.

 

Yes, that is exactly what bothered me about the bill, her motive for "letting me pay".

 

I also don't really get why she got mad. I think that she's very insecure, and easily thinks that I'm saying something bad about her when that's far from the truth.

[d0nnivain]

I agree with Tara that both of you need to work on your communication skills.

 

Your GF also needs to grow up. For her to be annoyed that her BF of such a short time scored less than a 5 on some stupid probably bogus quiz on the internet is ridiculous. You did better then 50%. Personally I think you're a good sport for even taking the quiz. If I asked my husband of 8 years to do such a thing he'd think I was daft.

 

When something is bothering one of you, you have to speak up. If she can't, then you can't stay in a relationship with her. What do you think will happen if there is a real problem rather than a quiz, an umbrella or a lunch check?

[Poppyolive]

I think you will need to be sympathetic to her feelings, wether you think they're crazy, stupid or unbelievable. That's the first step. Tell her, that you would prefer if she were to talk to you/tell you how she is feeling. And sympathically move forward from that. If she holds the anger, mis treats you or withholds from you, then that's all on her. Tell her you see that she's working through her anger and you'd prefer to give her space. Done in an understanding way, rather than a storming off way.

 

You need to catch reigns on this, both of you, before it leads to a stressful, walking on egg shells relationship. Me, personally, I wouldn't tolerate any of the tantrums that come after the discussion, and I wouldn't want any boyfriend of mine to tolerate any tantrum of mine either. She needs to learn that she has to be vocal with you. I'm guessing she's a sensitive type, she should go to some meditation classes to help with letting things go, communication etc.

 

For yourself, I'd put a cap on how many more than you can go through these fights and how they play out. You're both old enough to be able to fight fairly. If not, then maybe you're not good for eachother.

[Loman]

I agree with Tara that both of you need to work on your communication skills.

 

Your GF also needs to grow up. For her to be annoyed that her BF of such a short time scored less than a 5 on some stupid probably bogus quiz on the internet is ridiculous. You did better then 50%. Personally I think you're a good sport for even taking the quiz. If I asked my husband of 8 years to do such a thing he'd think I was daft.

 

When something is bothering one of you, you have to speak up. If she can't, then you can't stay in a relationship with her. What do you think will happen if there is a real problem rather than a quiz, an umbrella or a lunch check?

 

I honestly think that my communications skills are not that bad, I always try to talk to her when something upsets me, but she has a lot of difficulty opening up. I have told her many times that it's important to talk things through, and she agrees, but can't always do it. But I hope that with time she will trust me more and open up more, since she has already started to do so.

[preraph]

I tell you one thing, your friend butting in about the umbrella needs to butt out and if you're taking any other advice from him about what's normal and what's not, please stop.

[Satu]

What do you think? Thanks.

 

Too much ego from both of you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She sounds passive-aggressive. For me, I would find that very frustrating.

[d0nnivain]

I honestly think that my communications skills are not that bad, I always try to talk to her when something upsets me, but she has a lot of difficulty opening up. I have told her many times that it's important to talk things through, and she agrees, but can't always do it. But I hope that with time she will trust me more and open up more, since she has already started to do so.

 

They could use some work (but so could everybodys. What I mean is you mentioned that things pop out of your mouth about the umbrella. So you don't think before you speak. You let her stew even when you are clueless as to why. Part of communication involves you telling her when you don't understand her behaviors. The fact that you have stooped to her level with the silent treatment has all of this headed in the wrong direction.

[Gloria25]

You both play mind-games and your communications skills suck.

It seems to be a constant game of controlling one-upmanship.

Be careful. This could certainly hamper a smooth relationship.

 

I think you guys need to get to the bottom of why there is this need to gain the upper hand and be controlling.

Admittedly, from what you say, she "started it" with the ridiculous behaviour over paying for a meal. But you should have thrashed out the matter then.

 

This is just a game of wills, and it will end in tears.

 

On-line relationship assessments?

 

Oh good grief.....

 

I agree in part...

 

Both of you have poor communication skills and are just beating around the bush instead of raising up the issues to the table and discussing them like adults.

 

IMO, gf seems to be the one trying to control the RL by holding the OP hostage with her mood swings - instead of simply saying what upset her. Then he, scared to tee her off, just dances around instead of calling the meeting to order.

 

Women: men aren't mind readers....

[serial muse]

They could use some work (but so could everybodys. What I mean is you mentioned that things pop out of your mouth about the umbrella. So you don't think before you speak. You let her stew even when you are clueless as to why. Part of communication involves you telling her when you don't understand her behaviors. The fact that you have stooped to her level with the silent treatment has all of this headed in the wrong direction.

 

Yeah, agreed. The quiz thing was really annoying and immature, but that umbrella thing that popped out of your mouth sounds pretty passive-aggressive, too. And then the silent treatment, sigh.

 

OP, you say you're good at communication, but you mentioned that dinner situation several times in your post, and it seems you're still somewhat troubled by it - even though she has apparently apologized for it several times and said she felt like a "monster". I wonder why you won't move past it, if you usually split the bill.

 

Honestly, yes, you both sound insecure in this relationship. I do think insecure people often jockey for position, and the "moral high ground" is one such. I'm not saying she's off the hook with her behavior but don't fall into the trap of thinking this is all her; reading between the lines here, you seem to think she's the only one who has behaved unreasonably. That's fine if you want to break up, but if you want to stay together, you're probably going to want to hunt for some middle ground and better respect and communication on both sides.

[Satu]

Pointless little battles over things that don't matter...

[Gloria25]

I tell you one thing, your friend butting in about the umbrella needs to butt out and if you're taking any other advice from him about what's normal and what's not, please stop.

 

We can't control what others say/do. I don't see where the OP put into practice anything his jerky friend said.

 

Oh, I get it...he was supposed to clock his friend and "defend her honor"? Wait, I thought "modern" women no longer need men to defend their honor, hold umbrellas, pay for dinner - cuz we're "equals", "partners":confused:

[Loman]

They could use some work (but so could everybodys. What I mean is you mentioned that things pop out of your mouth about the umbrella. So you don't think before you speak. You let her stew even when you are clueless as to why. Part of communication involves you telling her when you don't understand her behaviors. The fact that you have stooped to her level with the silent treatment has all of this headed in the wrong direction.

 

Thanks for mentioning why. My problem usually is actually thinking too much before I speak (thus sometimes not speaking at all), but I guess that sometimes the opposite happens.

 

The previous times this happened, I tried talking to her right away, and insisted within reason, but she wouldn't talk much. This time, since we were with other people, I felt that it was pointless. But I of course should have handled it better, I was overcome with frustration and felt like my patience had reached its end.

[d0nnivain]

I'd be out of patience with somebody like her too. So it's not you.

[Loman]

I agree in part...

 

Both of you have poor communication skills and are just beating around the bush instead of raising up the issues to the table and discussing them like adults.

 

IMO, gf seems to be the one trying to control the RL by holding the OP hostage with her mood swings - instead of simply saying what upset her. Then he, scared to tee her off, just dances around instead of calling the meeting to order.

 

Women: men aren't mind readers....

 

The only time I didn't raise the issue right away was this last time, since we were with other people, so I waited until we were completely alone to talk about it (which we did).

[basil67]

I wouldn't bother with someone who as a nitpicky as her.

[Gloria25]

The only time I didn't raise the issue right away was this last time, since we were with other people, so I waited until we were completely alone to talk about it (which we did).

 

But the main "issue" here hasn't been dealt with...which is her passive/aggressive behavior, poor communication, and what she expects to be treated like when dating (ie is she traditional?)

[Poutrew]

Loman, there is an old saying that goes something like this: You shouldn't argue with crazy because you'll never win. These little episodes of hers will occur with more and more regularity until you will be afraid to do or say anything for fear of setting her off. And, you wont know what does set her off until she goes off. Eventually, you will be dreading the walking on eggshells feeling you get being around her, and depending on how immature / venal / psycho she really is, her revenge tantrums will get worse as well, and they may become truly monstrous like waking up one morning to find half your head shaved bald, because you had made an offhanded comment about wigs the previous night. It is not what you want to hear, probably, but I would let this fishy go back into the pond... find a woman who is comfortable in her relationship with you to be okay with getting a score of 3 out of 5 on the psych profile... speaking of which, her getting a perfect 5 out of 5 should have been your first red flag. That sounds like a Cruise Missile locking onto a target, not a human entering a relationship. Your score, however, proves you are normal, so you have a balanced future ahead of you...

[Lois_Griffin]

Right after this happened, we had lunch at a pretty expensive place. I wasn't sure how upset she was at the time, sometimes it seemed that she was only joking about being upset. But then came the time to pay the bill, and up to this point it was normal for us to split the bill, or at least offer to pay (which is the norm in my country). But she didn't say anything, and I payed it. At the time I wasn't sure why she didn't say anything, but later she told me she was sorry that she let me pay the whole bill. I found this pretty troubling, that she would do something like that. She said that it wasn't premeditated, just that when the time came to pay the bill she didn't feel like saying anything, because she was mad at me.

How traumatizing that you had to pay a lunch bill. I hope you're not scarred for life and won't have to enter treatment to learn how to deal with it.

 

What do you think? Thanks.

I guess that depends on what grade you're both in. That would play heavily on my decision as to what your best move would be.

[preraph]

We can't control what others say/do. I don't see where the OP put into practice anything his jerky friend said.

 

Oh, I get it...he was supposed to clock his friend and "defend her honor"? Wait, I thought "modern" women no longer need men to defend their honor, hold umbrellas, pay for dinner - cuz we're "equals", "partners":confused:

 

If my "friend" started undermining me in front of my date, I wouldn't even call them a friend anymore. I'd call them Mrs. Kravitz.

[Loman]

Can someone please comment on the part where I feel like she humiliated me by starting to give more attention to our "friend" and ignoring me? I can't stop thinking about that and I feel horrible. Am I overreacting?