Divorce in progress...need some help on coping

[aeroguy]

Hi-

 

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. First off, my wife and I were married in July of 2002. Originally, we planned on having a couple of kids, but as time wore on, we decided not to. We both have worked throughout the 14 years we've been married. I've been steadily employed for the entire time, my wife went through a couple of phases of no employment. For the most part, she has been employed during the time we've been together.

 

During this time, my wife has had stomach/digestive troubles that doctors could not diagnose. Fast forward to November of last year, I get home from work to find "the letter". In it, she states that she thinks I've been poisoning her, and that I need to seek professional help. She quit her job, took a large chunk of money out of our joint account, packed up a few things, grabbed one of my three dogs, got in one of our cars, and started driving cross country to go live with her sister back east (we live in Southern California). I call her siblings trying to find out where she is going, with no luck. I finally get a hold of her, and convince her to come back.

 

She has a lot of things going on in her life. She has an ailing father who's on borrowed time as he won't go through a bypass surgery his doctor recommends. Her mom started showing signs of Alzheimer's, and it's progressing very rapidly. One of her other sisters is going through liver/kidney failure (due to alcohol/prescription drug abuse), and has been given 2-3 years to live. My wife's employer was bought out by another company, and there are pending lay off notices coming out.

 

After a few days, she returned to the house. We started to see a marriage counselor. At first, I wanted to try to work on what had happened to my wife to cause her to think that I would try to poison/kill/harm her. The therapist mentioned a couple of times that it could have been a singular psychotic episode. The therapist never really talked about it more than in passing throughout the appointments we had with her. Most of the appointments were centered around how I could be a better husband, as my wife had a few complaints. Things like working on our communication came up, going on more trips/vacations, etc. Most of it didn't seem to me to address the real issue, or answer the question. At the last appointment, most of the session was spent talking about my wife's issues. She did not like being in the spotlight, and after that session, she said that she would not go back.

 

I didn't know where else to turn, so I sought out individual counseling. The first few sessions were more of getting to know me and my situation. When I told the therapist that my wife was convinced that I was poisoning/trying to kill her, she was shocked. After that, it seemed to me that my therapist was using a flowchart approach to treat me, and had me work on ways that I could be a better husband. I talked to my siblings about this, and they suggested that I find a new therapist as she wasn't focusing on the issue at hand.

 

So my wife and I are still living in the same house. She sleeps/stays in a spare bedroom. She has been going to night school to be a phlebotomist. She flew out to visit her sister for a week a month or so ago. Since November, she's spent almost $12k, and still does not have a job to contribute to our situation financially.

 

At this point, I'm not really sure if divorce is an option, which is why I'm posting here. My siblings have been suggesting that I talk to an attorney. I did that a few weeks ago. He told me that he could divorce me, that was the easy part. I asked him about protecting my financial situation, in case I didn't want to go through a divorce. He said that it wouldn't really make a difference, because if we did divorce, the community property would be split up.

 

 

I feel like I'm living with a roommate that I don't get along with. I am taking care of all of the household chores, taking care of the dogs, laundry, groceries, etc. When she is here (which isn't too often), she does not do anything to contribute to the household.

Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[mikeylo]

Divorce is the best option. There is nothing to be saved here.She has checked out.

[aeroguy]

That's what I figured. Thanks for the reply.

[aeroguy]

I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread to update this, or continue with this thread....I'm going to go with the latter option.

 

Towards the end of May, I got an e-mail from my wife telling me that she took $40k from our joint account because she saw some large purchases in the account, and didn't know what they were for. What she didn't remember was that I had taken out a loan against my 401k to help fund the installation of a solar system on the house. Back in September of 2015, my wife and I had talked about getting solar for the home. She said that she was for it, so I started doing research into installing a system. We talked about it, and agreed that we would fund part of the purchase price with money from our savings account along with a loan that I would take against my 401k. The loans against my 401k are convenient, since the interest is paid back into the 401k account. The only drawback is that there is a smaller amount of money (the amount of the loan) in the 401k to build the retirement fund.

 

With all of the issues that we were going through, I decided that installing solar wasn't a good idea, so I started the process to pay off the balance of the 401k loan. Timing worked against me, because the same day that my investment company processed the withdrawal to pay off the 401k loan, my wife’s mother (who has Alzheimer's) got out of the house. The police were called, and they were looking around the neighborhood for her. My wife thought that I purposely requested the transfer that day since she was busy dealing with finding her mom. The other thing that compounded the situation was a cashier's check for $3500. I had sold two of the cameras that I had ($1350 and $1900 respectively), and was using that money to purchase a used camera body. All she noticed was the withdrawal, which prompted her to take the money out.

 

 

My wife came over to the house (she hasn’t been living here for some time now) on 5/26/2016 to talk about things. I tried to explain the 401k loan repayment, and that I had no control over the timing, but she did not believe me. I also asked her if she still thought that I was poisoning her, and she said that she did. We argued about the loan repayment timing, as well as the cashier’s check. I tried to explain the situation again, but it didn’t seem to help. She left, and has not been back since.

 

 

Later that day, my wife sent an e-mail indicating that she wanted to get a divorce, and was going to hire an attorney. I reached out to her several times to see if she would be willing to go through a mediator for the divorce. A divorce mediator is a neutral third party that helps couples come to an agreement on how to divide up assets without incurring the high costs of going through attorneys. I provided several mediators for her to look at. I found one, and went to the free consultation. I learned there about the process of mediation, and that its sole purpose is to help couples keep as much of their money as possible in a divorce, and keep it out of the hands of attorneys. I also found out that at any time, either party could hire an attorney to help them through the process, and that at any time; either party could simply walk away from the mediation process, and go through the rest of the divorce using attorneys. My wife said that she did not want to go through a mediator, and was going to hire an attorney.

 

 

I received the official divorce papers in the mail on 6/23/2016. My wife is asking for immediate spousal support, attorney fees, and alimony, in addition to 50% of all of the assets. I have retained an attorney as well, and have started to provide them the information they need to begin the process. My attorney does not see why my wife was against mediation; since our divorce is fairly straight forward (we do not have any children). He was also confused as to why she came back in November if she thought that I was poisoning her. He asked me if she had obtained a restraining order back in November when she accused me of poisoning her, and I told him that she did not.

 

 

At this point, I have lost my marriage of 14 years as well as my best friend of 18 years. She helped me get through one of the most difficult times of my life (up to now) with the passing of my Mom back in 1999.

 

 

I stand to lose a lot financially as well. I was able to purchase my first home on my own (before we were married) in May of 2000. It was a fixer-upper townhouse that my brother, sisters, Dad, and I put a lot of work into. It was the first home that my wife and I shared after we were married back in 2002. In March of 2011, we purchased a second home (with the help of another loan against my 401k). We were able to rent out our townhouse to a nice family that has been there since 2011. When we were doing the financing for the second house, we also did a refinance of the townhouse as well. Up to that time, the townhouse was in my name only. When we put the paperwork together, we listed both properties in both of our names. We also did this for the two cars that we have as well. With the pending divorce, I am going to lose both properties, as well as both vehicles. The other assets that I will be losing are things like my retirement and pension plan that I have been building for the past 23 years, the equipment for my photography hobby, all of the furnishings that we purchased for the home, and possibly my dogs. There is no provision in California divorce law that speaks to pets, so they are treated like property, and are divided accordingly.

 

 

Even though our salaries were different (from the numbers, I accounted for 76%, and she accounted for the remaining 24%), when the assets are divided, they get split 50/50. Since we were married for more than 10 years, she will also be entitled to lifetime alimony. Her attorney has made the request for temporary spousal support that exceeds $5k a month.

 

 

I'm really struggling to get through all of this. The only people that I have to talk about any of this are my siblings. My Dad has Alzheimer's/dementia, and I haven't even told him yet. One of my sisters is very ill, and is dealing with unrelated issues in her own marriage. My other sister is extremely busy with work, so I feel bad talking to her. My brother is also going through a tough time at his work, so I don't want to burden him either.

 

 

The last long term relationship I had before I got married was back in the early 1990's. The woman I was dating at the time did not get along with the core group of friends that I had. I ended the relationship with her, and the fact that she and my group of friends could not get along was one of the deciding factors. I went through a few years being single, and I told myself that if I ever have to make a decision like that again, I was going to be more careful. Well, when I met my soon to be ex-wife, she also did not get along with the core group of friends that I had. I thought back to my previous decision, and opted to “break up” with my friends this time instead.

 

 

So now, I’m stuck with a very small support group in my siblings, and no group of friends to help me through this situation. To top it all off, by the time the divorce is finished, I will have reached my 50th birthday. What a time to press the big reset button on your life!

 

 

If anyone has read this far, and has any words of advice, I would really appreciate them. I’m running out of places to go for help, or at least ones that I can think of.

 

 

Thanks.

[SixxChick]

Well, what can I say ... except I really do feel for you. Reading through your posts makes me grateful that I never walked down the aisle. Yes, California law is pretty harsh when it comes to marital assets, especially when they have been commingled. You have worked your entire life for everything that is about to be taken away. And attorneys fees on top of it. Your story had a big impact on me thinking about the repercussions of dating, relationships, marriage, etc. Some make it work, but those who don't ... well, here we are on a coping forum with our various stories. Your's so incredibly sad. So much for generosity, huh?

 

Sayings like "when one door closes ..." seem inappropriate since it seems all of the doors are being slammed in your face. The only thing I can hope for you is that you can rebuild the rest of your life and that the reset button will lead to better things, no matter how monumental your challenges are.

 

Hang in there. And keep posting.

[aeroguy]

Thanks for the reply. I had no idea CA law was 50/50 when I walked down the isle 14 years ago...but then again, I don't know if it would have made a difference back then. I didn't really have anything as far as assets were concerned. I developed those along the way.

 

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I'm also picking up the tab for her attorney fees as well, since she doesn't have a job to pay for them on her own. When we first started talking divorce, I tried to get her to go to a mediator, but that didn't fly. She said she didn't feel "comfortable" doing it that way, and wanted the lawyers to work everything out.

 

 

I think back to see if I could have done more to try to work things out...but there was a serious breach of trust on her part when she accused me of poisoning her. I even asked her when she came back at the end of May for our little "talk" if she still thought I was poisoning her, and she said that she did. Keep in mind that we weren't living in the same house for almost a month at this point, so I'm really not sure how I would be poisoning her if she wasn't living in the same house. I don't think that I could have even got past the trust that she had broken.

 

 

The other kicker was that she told me in therapy that she had been planning leaving me for over a year. That really hurt, since we just got back from a trip to Maui before she left me in November. There were a lot of things that we did during that time, and I never saw it coming. We were doing typical married couple things...all the while, she was probably counting the days to when she was going to leave.

 

 

I'm still waiting for something to fall my way. So far, things have been going the opposite direction. I'll keep plugging away....that's all I can do at this point.

[Angelica21]

aeroguy,

 

Is your attorney a competent and skilled attorney?

 

The 50/50 split that everyone refers to is 50/50 of "marital assets", NOT 50/50 of "everything I ever owned". If you owned something before the marriage, it is not a marital asset.

 

Unfortunately, it does sound like the majority of your stuff is marital assets. And, yes, it's unfortunate that you re-financed and put your original home into both names, making it a marital asset. But be sure to exclude anything you possibly can exclude.

 

So, for example, the value of any camera equipment that you owned before you were married can be excluded from the 50/50 split.

 

Also, you split the debt 50/50, too. So, she is responsible for 50% of the mortgage amount that you still owe.

 

The other thing to keep in mind is that your wife appears to have a mental illness. Normal people do not suspect that their spouse is poisoning them. That's "crazy talk".

 

Try to find another therapist, too.

[Angelica21]

Also, be sure to ask your attorney to hire financial professional who specializes in valuation of 401K and pension plans. Make sure that everyone know what 50/50 really means.

 

For example, your wife is not entitled to the future value of your pension plan, because you will be adding to your pension plan after you are divorced. Therefore, later when you retire and start drawing on your pension, she will not get 50% of that amount. She would only be entitled to the portion that is identified as 50% today.

 

Here is a way to help it make sense. If a man had been married twice and divorced twice, and if each wife got 50% of his pension, then there would be $0 left for him.

 

It doesn't work that way!!

 

You need to have her 50% of the pension valued based only on the number of years that you were married to her, and what the pension is valued at the time of your divorce.

 

Make sure your attorney understands this. It's worth it to pay the extra money to a financial expert to figure it out.

[aeroguy]

Angelica21-

 

Thanks for your reply. Most of the stuff that I own was acquired during the marriage. I didn't get into photography until after we got married. Only thing that might help me there is that most of the equipment came to me in the form of a birthday/Christmas gift over the course of the marriage. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep some of the equipment. I blew it on the townhouse, but I can't fix that now. I understand that she assumes 50% of the debt as well.

 

I agree...I think that she had some sort of mental "episode" due to the stresses that she was under. Between her dad being in poor health, her sister being in poor health, stress at work, she was under a lot of stress. I guess that her system couldn't take it. She did see two different psychiatrists (one 10-15 minute appointment each), and she said that they said nothing was wrong with her. I find that hard to believe. Hopefully, she'll eventually get some help.

 

I have tried two other therapists after I left the last one. The first guy didn't have any experience with divorce, so I opted to not see him anymore. I found another guy that had experience with divorce, so I figured I would give him a try. During our first session, I made a comment along the lines of "everything I did was for my wife". He picked that apart, and said that not "everything" (literally) that I did was for my wife. I understood the point that he was trying to make, but it instantly made me guarded with each of the words I used after that.

 

When I left, I thought to myself that therapy was supposed to be a place where I felt "safe", and that I could share whatever thoughts or feelings I had without fear of judgement. I didn't get that feeling from this therapist, so I never went back. Right now, things are a little too chaotic, but I may try to seek out a therapist when things settle down a little. I found a divorce group that meets near my house, and I'm going to try that to see if it helps any.

 

I just read your 2nd reply. Thanks for that. I'm aware of the pension angle as well. My attorney knows about it too, so that helps. Fortunately for me, some of th pension that I was able to build was before the marriage, so I will have that to myself, plus whatever I make after the DOS. I've been told that things like houses should be looked at as liabilities (don't make you any money), and things like 401ks/pensions should be looked at as assets (make you money). The goal being try to keep as many assets as you can. I guess that I can always work on buying another home, but it would be hard for me to make back whatever money I lose out of my 401k.

 

Either way, the whole thing sucks...just the other day, I FINALLY got something in the form of communication from my STBX. She sent me several e-mails/texts asking me to remove the cell phone that she had from the joint account. We had a single account for our cell phones that had both lines on them. When I got her e-mails, I thought to myself, "Wait...I try to reach out to you to see about trying to save OUR money by trying to settle things using a mediator, and you're harassing me over a cell phone that costs me $20 a month? WTF??"

 

[Angelica21]

Dear aeroguy,

 

I totally understand.

 

You seem like an intelligent and level-headed guy, so do try to maintain that during the divorce process.

 

Whether due to mental illness or stress, your wife is going to do and say a lot of things that are not logical. Because you are apparently a logical person, the not logical stuff will seem random, silly, stupid, not in priority order of importance, etc. Don't let the illogical and irrational stuff rattle you. Just make wise decisions and judgments for yourself.

 

I'm thinking you could stop seeking therapy for now, and pick it up later. I'm normally a very huge fan of therapy, and it's helped me a lot. But you are having trouble finding the correct therapist right now, so chill on that goal and pursue it later after the divorce is over.

 

Yes, a therapist should definitely be a safe person that you can tell anything. A good therapist should make you feel like he or she is "on your side", "in your corner", "has your back", "is your biggest cheerleader", etc.

 

As a therapist helps you to understand yourself better, and helps you to identify the things that you already like about yourself, and the things that you yourself recognize need improving, then the therapist can challenge you out of your comfort zone and help you to improve the "negatives". But, to right out of the box throw in your face "Well, you did a lot if stuff wrong, and you're not perfect, and you need to change" that's not a competent and caring therapist.

[aeroguy]

Angelica21-

 

Thanks. In the letter that my wife left me when she first left in 11/2015, she said that I should seek professional help for my "problem" of poising her.....I think that she might have got things a little confused.

 

Thanks for the advice on getting ready for the illogical coming from her. I'll try my best to keep a level head.

 

I think that I will look into therapy again further down the road. There are just too many things going on right now (did I mention that my work is downsizing, so my job might be in jeopardy as well??), so I'm going to put that task on the back burner for now.

[bubbaganoosh]

When you get a divorce then yeah your going to lose some of your assets but be damned if I would pay for her lawyer. She had a chance to get this done without one and refused so I would tell her that she better go find a job PDQ.

 

To me, I think she sought out a lawyer told him/her about the mediator and he said no because he would be cutting his own throat.

 

Tell your lawyer that you are dead set against paying some guy to hang you. See what he thinks.

 

I feel for you friend. I went through the same thing. Found out that you can make the money back but you'll have a harder time getting your sanity back by keeping her around. Not worth it

[aeroguy]

bubbaganoosh- Thanks for your reply. I agree...I'm not looking forward to paying for her attorney, but that's what she/they are "demanding" (words used in the letter from her attorney) at this point. Nothing has been decided yet, as I'm still early in the process. I just about threw up when I found out how much she was asking for in the terms of spousal support. Again, my attorney told me not to worry about that now, and that he would fight to make it something more reasonable.

 

I agree with you on her talking to her lawyer about mediation. It wouldn't surprise me if that happened. I tried to explain things to my STBX, that it would be in our best interest to work with a mediator to split "our" money while having the least amount go to lawyers, but I don't think that she understood how mediation worked. I just hope that the lawyer that I got can work the alimony amount down as well as the whole paying for her legal fees.

 

At this point, I really don't want anything else to do with her. The sooner I can get this done and over with, the better....but in talking with my attorney, he is thinking that this could go on for a little over a year....at least that's his estimate. Right now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time, and sometimes, that's a struggle in itself.

[Angelica21]

In most states, the cost of the attorneys for both spouses comes from marital assets. So, aeroguy, you are not paying for her attorney, the money is coming from marital assets.

 

In Illinois, it's a state law to have a "level playing field" ... both spouses have a right to whatever attorneys they can afford from marital assets. The higher-earning spouse can't go out and get himself or herself a high-powered attorney and then leave the other spouse with no attorney, or legal aid, or whatever.

 

Even though you and your spouse are in a traditional arrangement of one attorney for each of you, and no mediator, you can still get together alone to make some plans about how to split your assets, if your wife agrees. Informally it's called "kitchen table negotiations", where you just get together and discuss all the stuff that you agree on. Then you only need the attorneys to help with the highly contested issues.

 

Examples might be "Okay, I'll take all the living room furniture, you can have all of the furniture from the den. I'll take the barbecue grill and the patio furniture, you can have everything from the sun room." etc.

 

You have three dogs: you are going to end up with either zero, one, two or three dogs. Can you work that out together to decide? Do you really want someone else to decide for you?

 

I attended a presentation from a family court judge who was trying to explain the advantages of deciding yourself rather than letting a judge decide. She said she heard a case of a divorcing couple who were especially wealthy, and especially greedy, and each one felt confident that the judge would give everything to them. So, she decided things like this: you have a sectional sofa...he gets the left side, she gets the right side. You have a dining room set...he gets the table and she gets the chairs.

 

Sometimes the divorce laws are a little archaic. They are based on a time when husband worked full time, and wife stayed home, usually to raise the children. Then husband would find mistress, and attempt to leave the wife and kids destitute. Sometimes the laws are meant to prevent that, hence the 50/50 split.

 

When you were happily married, were both of you satisfied with your jobs? Did you enjoy being the higher earner? Did you ever encourage your wife to find a better paying job or career? Did you ever discourage it?

[Angelica21]

Most divorces take 18 months to 3 years for completion.

 

When there are no children, such as your case, it's likely to be shorter. One year is not a long time at all for a typical divorce with no children.

[aeroguy]

Angelica21- Thanks for your replies. I guess I'm glad to hear that her attorney fees are coming from the marital assets. I hope that CA has the "level playing field" type of law...both of our lawyers are charging around the same hourly rate, so I guess that's a good thing. I would love to try some "kitchen table negotiating", but I don't think that she would be for it. After she left in May, I sent her several e-mails (she wouldn't return any of my calls) talking to her about how it would be in both of our best interests to try to divide things up instead of leaving it up to a judge. I am nervous about the dogs. She is living with her sister, and her sister has two large German shepherds. The three dogs we have are all small (< 8 lbs) Chihuahuas. The German shepherds are known for their prey drive as it typically cannot be trained out of them. One of my many concerns would be that if she had 1/2/or 3 of the Chihuahuas in that environment with the two German shepherds. Did I mention that her sister also has a built in swimming pool with no fence? My dogs aren't the greatest of swimmers, so I also worry about one of them winding up at the bottom of the pool.

 

The divorce laws are definitely archaic. I agree, they were probably written to protect women in the exact situation you described. I would agree with the 50/50 split at that point, but in my situation, I guess you could say I'm "making my peace" with it. While we were married, she had a few different jobs. The one that she left in 11/2015 was probably the best one that she had while we were married.

 

I never encouraged or discouraged her to try to find a better paying job. She would stress a lot about getting a lay off notice, as she always thought she was going to be let go. I would try to console her by telling her that her happiness/well being was more important to me than the money her job brought in. I told her that if she ever wanted to leave work because it was too stressful, that I would be okay with that, provided that she made an effort to find another job so that she could help contribute to our situation, financially. I thought that I was doing the right thing in trying to be a supportive husband, but I am starting to re-think that.

 

I have heard that divorces where there are no children involved usually get resolved quicker. I'm hoping that is the case for my situation. I think a lot of it will depend on how open she is to "negotiating" on things outside of the courtroom.

[soy]

I am so sorry for what your going through. I too am in the middle of divorce. I can't help but wonder what snapped in her mind to go down this road. Another man perhaps? Looks to me like you've done your part to attempt to save your marriage. I know it's hard and it sucks, and it's going to hurt, trust me. But allow your self to feel the pain, let your mind go through the motions. If you allow your self to freely feel the pain, you'll heal faster. I'm going to pray for both of you.

[aeroguy]

soy- Thanks for the reply. I often ask myself the same thing...what caused her to possibly think that I would harm her? I thought about the other man possibility, and there may be one, I don't know. When we were going to marriage counseling, she didn't say anything about it when the counselor asked us if we were seeing someone else on the side. That doesn't mean to say that she wasn't/isn't seeing someone else. I talked to several psychiatrists to see if they had any ideas on how I could get her to go in to see one. When I described to them what had happened, they suggested that it might be some sort of psychotic episode/bi-polar disorder type of issue. In the end, I couldn't force her to go get help, she would have to do that on her own.

 

I knew she was lost when I asked her the last time I saw her if she still thought I was poisoning her. At that time, we weren't even living under the same roof, and had almost no interaction with each other. Without hesitating, she said that she did. At that point, I knew that there was no way I was going to change that in her mind.

 

I'm trying to let myself "feel" whatever I need to. It's kind of hard, because sometimes, I have breakdowns when I'm at work. I don't have an office, but work in a cubicle farm. Kind of hard to quietly cry at your desk without co-workers noticing, but I think that I'm doing a pretty good job so far. When I get home from work, it's just me and the dogs, so I don't have to work on keeping things suppressed. When I walk into the house, it feels like a giant weight is off my shoulders as I know I don't have to put so much energy into "acting" like nothing is wrong. It is kind of hard, though, because a lot of the things in the house remind me of her, and that makes me sad. Like you said, I just need to let the emotions come, and not try to fight them as much.

 

Thanks for the prayers. I'll take all of the help that I can get. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce as well. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

[The_Onceler]

Wow - I wish I had some sage advice or some magic pill to help you. What you are facing sounds horrible, but it seems as if you are coping, which means you are a lot stronger than I am.

 

I have had to reconcile with the 50/50 thing - I can understand that. But the notion of paying spousal support in the amount of 5k/month? That seems ludicrous in the extreme. What is the rationale? Why isn't your attorney demanding spousal support for you? I know, that is not how it works - I am asking rhetorically, from frustration.

 

I read all of this and can't help but wonder if your (ex)wife isn't indeed suffering from some psychological affliction. Perhaps the accusations about the poisoning are just a symptom of something larger, something that is driving the entire narrative?

 

It might be worth investigating. She might actually need medical help, and short of that, her mental soundness (or lack thereof) might provide a legal tool that you could use as you defend against her divorce suit.

 

In any event - I wish you the best of luck.

 

(and to think that my ex complained that I never legally married her - thank the gods for that!)

[aeroguy]

The_Onceler- Thanks for your reply. Sometimes, I think that I'm living in one of those Lifetime movies, or an episode of Forensic Files....surreal...

 

My attorney tells me that the reason the "proposed/temporary" support so high is because my STBX's attorney put in her income as zero (because she quit her job, and has no income). My guy assures me that he is going to fight that, and not to worry about it now (easier said than done).

 

I also asked my attorney about her mental soundness, and he said that he would look into that.

 

I'm doing the best I can to make it through each day. Some days are easier than others, but I'm sure that people in similar situations (going through a divorce) can attest to that as well. The important thing is to try to keep moving forward...that's about all I can do at this point.

[Jeff1690]

I don't really have any advice for you. Like you I was blindsided just a month and a half ago or so. Almost 23 years together and then hey I want a divorce. I thought I was having it rough, but you have it worse than I do.

 

I am just a couple of years younger than you and can retire in 4 years. Luckily my wife filed for uncontested divorce, she is keeping her bills, I keep mine, we keep our individual retirements, and she is buying me out of the house and giving me the money in the savings account.

 

My biggest struggle that I am having is no communication with the wife. As in why the hell is she doing this to us? I won't go into the details you can read my thread if you want.

 

I just can't wrap my mind around the things she is doing and just walking out on our marriage which up to a little over a year ago was great. Now, like you, this far into the game and at our age starting all the way over.

 

Like I said I don't have any advice for you but I will say a prayer for you and hope your life as well as mine will turn out better.

[Angelica21]

To aeroguy and others on this thread,

 

I wish each of you a successful completion of your divorce. Stay calm, and depend on the advice and suggestions of your attorney.

 

I believe that only about 10% of divorce cases go to a trial before a judge. Most of them are settled out of court via agreements suggested and facilitated by the attorneys; usually both spouses come to the realization that with help from their attorneys, they can make their own decisions about dividing stuff, alimony payments, etc. without a judge's mandate.

 

Everyone seems so surprised by the current temp spousal support of $5,000. Remember, aeroguy is in Southern California where cost of everything seems inflated compared to other places, and we don't know aeroguy's monthly or annual salary.

[aeroguy]

I don't really have any advice for you. Like you I was blindsided just a month and a half ago or so. Almost 23 years together and then hey I want a divorce. I thought I was having it rough, but you have it worse than I do.

 

I am just a couple of years younger than you and can retire in 4 years. Luckily my wife filed for uncontested divorce, she is keeping her bills, I keep mine, we keep our individual retirements, and she is buying me out of the house and giving me the money in the savings account.

 

My biggest struggle that I am having is no communication with the wife. As in why the hell is she doing this to us? I won't go into the details you can read my thread if you want.

 

I just can't wrap my mind around the things she is doing and just walking out on our marriage which up to a little over a year ago was great. Now, like you, this far into the game and at our age starting all the way over.

 

Like I said I don't have any advice for you but I will say a prayer for you and hope your life as well as mine will turn out better.

 

 

Jeff1690- Thanks for the reply. I read your thread, and first off, I wanted to say thanks for your service. Secondly, is I feel bad for you as well. I know that it is difficult for me to wrap my head around things, and it sounds like you are having the same issues. I won't say that I have it worse than you, or than anyone else, for that matter. I think that we all wound up in the same situation (divorce/ending a long term relationship). How we got there may be different, but we all wound up at pretty much the same place. I look at your situation, and think to myself that you have it worse than I do because you guys have kids together. I guess it's all about perspective.

 

One of the therapists that I talked to told me that I may never know why my STBX did what she did, and that might be the most difficult part for me. I may never know why, and I'm going to have to work on dealing with that.

 

I know that if I were to look back two years ago, I was pretty happy with my life. I would have NEVER thought I would be where I'm at today. I'm sure that most of us here can say that. For me, I'm hoping that a few years from now, I'll find this thread, and realize that I'm in a better place then. It's really hard for me to see that now, because things are so difficult, but I don't want to lose hope that things will eventually turn around.

 

I'm not terribly religious, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. I don't understand the reason now, but hopefully, in the future, things will be better. I think that we just need to try to take one day at a time, and do the best we can with what we can.

[aeroguy]

To aeroguy and others on this thread,

 

I wish each of you a successful completion of your divorce. Stay calm, and depend on the advice and suggestions of your attorney.

 

I believe that only about 10% of divorce cases go to a trial before a judge. Most of them are settled out of court via agreements suggested and facilitated by the attorneys; usually both spouses come to the realization that with help from their attorneys, they can make their own decisions about dividing stuff, alimony payments, etc. without a judge's mandate.

 

Everyone seems so surprised by the current temp spousal support of $5,000. Remember, aeroguy is in Southern California where cost of everything seems inflated compared to other places, and we don't know aeroguy's monthly or annual salary.

 

Angelica21- Thanks. It's a struggle sometimes to keep a level head in the swirl, but I'm doing the best that I can. I think that my attorney told me the same thing about cases going before a judge. I'm hoping that my attorney will be able to talk to my STBX's attorney, and try to work something out.

 

You're right on the temporary spousal support. They figured her salary at zero, and ran the "program" that the court system uses. I'm not going to lie, I make a pretty good salary, but they look at the numbers at the gross pay level, before any taxes, 401k deductions, and income from a rental property. Of course the cost of living is pretty high in CA, so that doesn't help things either.

[Jeff1690]

One of the therapists that I talked to told me that I may never know why my STBX did what she did, and that might be the most difficult part for me. I may never know why, and I'm going to have to work on dealing with that.

.

That is exactly how I feel. Besides losing the best friend I ever had (Well I thought she was), I am losing my wife and don't know why she did what she did and have to deal with it.

 

Some days I want her to feel the pain I am feeling now. Other days I think about all the great times we had and want her back. Of course then I think of all of the sudden mental pain I am in and want her to feel it as well. I know the wife I married would be totally ashamed of her current actions. Love this roller coaster ride