Curious about MM/MW mindset

[Adoraxx]

I am a fMW, had an affair with an MM.

 

It's very hard to be objective about it, but I believe that I loved my husband leading up to the affair. I think we had attained a sort-of auto-pilot in our lives and had neglected some aspects of our relationship, and rug-swept some bigger long-standing issues, which opened the door for MM.

 

MM was a wildly different personality than my BH and just swooped in. It's a long story, but I was vulnerable to him for multiple reasons - I knew him for many years, he was my direct boss, I admired and respected him, we worked in VERY close proximity. It was a hot mess. But with a LOT of persuasion from him, I allowed things to evolve.

 

I specifically remember noting that, as I fell for MM, I lost the love for my BH. I could not hold love for both of them at the same time. Yes, I still cared deeply for my BH. I didn't want to hurt him (ironically), but I didn't "love" him in the romantic sense. As I grew more in love with MM, all the love for BH was drained out of me. It's like it was a finite resource.

 

Maybe I always saw that MM wasn't completely authentic. I think there was always something speaking from my gut. But those feelings drug me along for a good while. Thank God I see the light now.

 

Maybe men are different, but I don't really think so. How can you legitimately be in love with two different people? MM isn't a good example because he told me he didn't love his wife like that and hadn't for years. And for once, I think he was telling me the truth.

 

Poppy probably has it right. "Professional" cheaters probably don't really love anyone. I don't consider myself a professional cheater. I think I got taken for a ride, but my feelings actually happened...unfortunately.

 

same here...

[Grey Cloud]

 

How can someone (confused you may be able to answer this) love their spouse yet embark in an affair? The ultimate betrayal... The one thing guaranteed to hurt this person they love to

 

Because they think they can get away with it. They are not hurting their W if they don't know about it right?! They can have a bit of fun on the side and go home to their W and their life continues on as normal.

 

I think in the beginning this analogy worked for my xMM. Until his W got suspicious and started confronting him about his behaviour. All of a sudden life wasn't so fun anymore and the two separate worlds started colliding. D days is usually when MM realise the extent of the hurt they have caused. Prior to that they think they can live in a bubble, loving their wife whilst still enjoying the OW on the side.

[Trishern]

that's not love though. not by my definition, at least.

 

why do folks have the need to point out that there is STILL some kind of love present for their partners...? love that is, for the romantic relationship, completely irrelevant without the romantic love.

 

OP - just because he says he loves his wife, doesn't mean he actually does love her. maybe he doesn't know what love is or even better - what love isn't.

 

 

 

I have to agree with this. It's one thing saying you love your spouse, but cheating on them and betraying them is NOT THE behaviour of one who loves them. You don't lie/sneak around/gaslight/deceive a person that you love in this way. If you do, then perhaps your definition of love is different to others.

 

 

Comparing love you have for your children or parents is absolutely not the same at all - and just comes over as a way to justify the immoral behaviour. It's romantic love that we're talking about here, surely we all know we can love our friends and family.

 

 

Mrs. T

[elaine567]

I have felt romantically in love with 2 people. I liken it to a type of sexuality..not everyone is inherently monogamous.

 

I think the fact that not all are inherently monogamous is a huge factor

and something that those who are, cannot understand fully.

 

Seems to me we live in culture that accepts FBs, FWBs, casual. multi-dating, ONSs, flings...etc. as the "norm". These are all ways of allowing a person to enjoy multiple partners, all ways to procure sexual variety.

Yet we expect the very same people as soon as they get married to be completely monogamous, and when it doesn't happen, we are all somehow shocked...???

[Confused9999]

I know the love changes and their are different types of love but surely that makes it even all the more harder to understand

 

We love our children and family in a certain way but part of that feeling is that you would never hurt them intentionally

 

How can someone (confused you may be able to answer this) love their spouse yet embark in an affair? The ultimate betrayal... The one thing guaranteed to hurt this person they love to the core?

 

Im not trying to work out my MM mindset specifically, it's just watching how he managed to keep this going whilst still being in love made me wonder.

 

Not with regards to affairs, it's just made me question the concept of love altogether I think.

 

Just wanted to add it may sound like I am criticising MM/MW and that is far from the case - this is really just a curiosity and as an OW I am in no position to critisise anyone! My own mindset could well be questioned too

 

 

For me I can say I didn't seek the A.. One thing led to another and It happened and got really intense.

 

My intention was never to hurt my W and I was able to compartmentalize very well! And of course I never thought of the consequences of getting caught.

I really did love my W but was not in passionate love. Obviously I would not want to hurt her but in my mind that would not happen because I got it under control. (I know I know... Affair fog)

 

I had my family life and then I had my A life. When it was just sex it was very easy to split and never think of it.

 

Things started to get tricky later on when I started to fall for the AP. Then my mind was a mess at times... But for the most part I was able to control it.

My AP however started seeing someone and although we were still together for a while at the same time she really had a much harder time compartmentalizing. She really struggled and that was the reason we ended it. She told me I had to choose and I stayed with W.

[stilltrying16]

I think the fact that not all are inherently monogamous is a huge factor

and something that those who are, cannot understand fully.

 

Seems to me we live in culture that accepts FBs, FWBs, casual. multi-dating, ONSs, flings...etc. as the "norm". These are all ways of allowing a person to enjoy multiple partners, all ways to procure sexual variety.

Yet we expect the very same people as soon as they get married to be completely monogamous, and when it doesn't happen, we are all somehow shocked...???

 

I agree with everything you say here. The problem for me is not so much that society (or "we") expect monogamy when someone gets married or enters a long term relationship, but that the two partners involved put blind faith in monogamy. If they really considered the alternatives ahead of time, and if they shared any doubts about monogamy with their future partner as soon as they arose (even before an actual opportunity to cheat presented itself), then surely much future anguish could be averted?

 

 

So is there any system that can somehow forestall the blindsiding of one partner who actually took the "forsaking all others" part of the Xtian vows seriously?

 

The other puzzling thing is that affairs too, like marriages, are sometimes driven by the same unspoken faith in monogamy. The idea is simply to trade in an earlier partner for a newer one- not to question whether monogamy itself is unachievable.

 

If one's goal is to be forever in the "in love" romantic- limerence- chemical soup stage, and if that stage is temporary and will give way at some point to "family love," and if family love will never be enough, then one will need to commit to serial monogamy. Because the "in love" expectation does in fact require a kind of monogamy- since it seems to have room for just two partners.

 

If we had social support and institutions and laws in place that could make child-rearing as smooth outside monogamy as within monogamy, then maybe monogamy would stop being the default expectation in a marriage or in a (currently) committed relationship. Maybe.

 

And how to protect oneself in the meantime? I think a site such as this should be required reading for anyone contemplating a monogamous relationship in or outside marriage.

 

Until all that good stuff happens, one way to safeguard one's world is to keep oneself always independent and self-supporting (financially, emotionally, every which way) even when, or especially when, one enters a supposedly committed relationship. SMH

[heartwhole]

For me I can say I didn't seek the A.. One thing led to another and It happened and got really intense.

 

My intention was never to hurt my W and I was able to compartmentalize very well! And of course I never thought of the consequences of getting caught.

I really did love my W but was not in passionate love. Obviously I would not want to hurt her but in my mind that would not happen because I got it under control. (I know I know... Affair fog)

 

I had my family life and then I had my A life. When it was just sex it was very easy to split and never think of it.

 

Things started to get tricky later on when I started to fall for the AP. Then my mind was a mess at times... But for the most part I was able to control it.

My AP however started seeing someone and although we were still together for a while at the same time she really had a much harder time compartmentalizing. She really struggled and that was the reason we ended it. She told me I had to choose and I stayed with W.

 

I see some contradictions here. You didn't seek the A -- it's the old, "it just happened" explanation. And yet the falling in love happened later, after you'd been having loads of sex with the AP . . . which you didn't seek, but happened . . . accidentally?

 

People always say, "We didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened." But you don't accidentally invest so much time and energy into another person that love (or sex) happens quite to your shock. You choose to grow closer and closer, to take a step and then another step. I encourage you to explore your role in the affair beyond "it just happened" or "I didn't seek it." Take ownership of your choices. What you can't control is an attraction to and interest in another person. Everything else you can.

[loveisanaction]

Honestly, there is no great mystery about the minds of married men and why they cheat.

 

Men (married and unmarried) like sex...and lots of it. Men do no think like women. They can simply have sex with a woman because the opportunity presented itself..no other reason needed.

 

Most married men have an affair with the intention of staying married. They are not having an affair because they no longer love their wife anymore (if only the other woman could understand and accept this).

 

A married man meets a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, he likes her, she likes him; she's fun, shiny and new. The chemistry is off the chain, they understand each other, finish each other's sentences, they are 'soulmates.'

 

The problem is the other woman (and other women i love you all, i really do) but after a while she begin to change. She gets caught up in the fantasy words that her married man is telling her (if men only knew how their words affected our way of thinking). The other woman then begins to see a future with her married man and wants him to leave his wife for her and this is where problems in the affair usually begin to arise.

 

Men do not understand that women (married or unmarried) are naturally incapable of having sex with without bonding. Very very very and i can't state very enough, very few women are capable of having NSA.

 

So, what started out as a fun NSA affair now becomes another sad statistic.

 

I've read this scenario time and time again and it will continue to happen until the end of time.

[Got it]

Something I am curious about and whilst I'm happy to hear any opinions I'm really looking to hear the thoughts from MM/MW that have been in LTA's

 

I am OW and, possibly naively, think I know MM. What I don't understand is how he can do what he is doing an still love W, which I truly believe he does.

 

I just can't seem to get my head around it and just wondering how the mindset works. Iv read on here about compartmentalising stuff and being selfish and I get that but it's being able to actually be involved in an affair when being in love with someone I just don't get.

 

i left my marriage a few years ago an it had been somewhat Rubbish for many years before that so maybe I have forgotten what it felt like to be at the in love but bored stage. Maybe it's the age old love them but not in love thing having an impact but Iv known people who claim to be in love still have affairs so I just don't know.

 

No real reason for my question, I'm just sat here pondering and thought I would see if anyone can shed any light

 

I think we are all different. I was a MW and I did not love my ex husband (the way I should) to have had an affair. My (now) husband was a MM and I would agree with the same sentiment on his end.

 

In our cases our relationship became the primary one and was not about our respective (ex) spouses.

 

To me, at the point I stepped out was the death blow on the marriage. There is no way I could respect and love my ex husband and cheat on him. So the dichotomy didn't exist. It was a pretty black and white thing.

[Got it]

Honestly, there is no great mystery about the minds of married men and why they cheat.

 

Men (married and unmarried) like sex...and lots of it. Men do no think like women. They can simply have sex with a woman because the opportunity presented itself..no other reason needed.

 

Most married men have an affair with the intention of staying married. They are not having an affair because they no longer love their wife anymore (if only the other woman could understand and accept this).

 

A married man meets a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, he likes her, she likes him; she's fun, shiny and new. The chemistry is off the chain, they understand each other, finish each other's sentences, they are 'soulmates.'

 

The problem is the other woman (and other women i love you all, i really do) but after a while she begin to change. She gets caught up in the fantasy words that her married man is telling her (if men only knew how their words affected our way of thinking). The other woman then begins to see a future with her married man and wants him to leave his wife for her and this is where problems in the affair usually begin to arise.

 

Men do not understand that women (married or unmarried) are naturally incapable of having sex with without bonding. Very very very and i can't state very enough, very few women are capable of having NSA.

 

So, what started out as a fun NSA affair now becomes another sad statistic.

 

I've read this scenario time and time again and it will continue to happen until the end of time.

 

Not entirely true. The affair started and I had all intentions of just being a one night thing. It was after he started pushing for a relationship that I decided to allow the option of it continuing to emerge. The beginning was simply, I was attracted to him, we had amazing chemistry, I liked the way his brain worked, and so I wanted to have sex with him. It was all chemistry. And I have never had chemistry with someone else like I have with him. Big reason why I even considered allowing a relationship.

[Confused9999]

I see some contradictions here. You didn't seek the A -- it's the old, "it just happened" explanation. And yet the falling in love happened later, after you'd been having loads of sex with the AP . . . which you didn't seek, but happened . . . accidentally?

 

People always say, "We didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened." But you don't accidentally invest so much time and energy into another person that love (or sex) happens quite to your shock. You choose to grow closer and closer, to take a step and then another step. I encourage you to explore your role in the affair beyond "it just happened" or "I didn't seek it." Take ownership of your choices. What you can't control is an attraction to and interest in another person. Everything else you can.

 

To your points.. We worked together. We got close for a while and then ended up having sex.

That was not my plan nor was my intention in the outset. That is why I said "it happened"

 

However the sex was awesome and so it continued. Very slowly and adhoc at first but then much more regular and planned and consistent after a while. The feelings came over time.

 

Of course I could of and should of stopped before it happened or during. But I didn't and couldn't.. I was sucked in both physically and emotionally.

[WasOtherWoman]

I honestly think its even more difficult to understand the OW's mindset because how can you love a man knowing he goes home to his wife every single night? Now THAT is something I can't wrap my head around.

 

.

 

No kidding, I sure the hell could not deal with that. I told him he needed to make a decision and move on, I was NOT going to live with that, ugh.

[loveisanaction]

Not entirely true. The affair started and I had all intentions of just being a one night thing. It was after he started pushing for a relationship that I decided to allow the option of it continuing to emerge. The beginning was simply, I was attracted to him, we had amazing chemistry, I liked the way his brain worked, and so I wanted to have sex with him. It was all chemistry. And I have never had chemistry with someone else like I have with him. Big reason why I even considered allowing a relationship.

 

Remember what i posted, it always starts off as a fun NSA affair until....

[Confused9999]

Honestly, there is no great mystery about the minds of married men and why they cheat.

 

Men (married and unmarried) like sex...and lots of it. Men do no think like women. They can simply have sex with a woman because the opportunity presented itself..no other reason needed.

 

Most married men have an affair with the intention of staying married. They are not having an affair because they no longer love their wife anymore (if only the other woman could understand and accept this).

 

A married man meets a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, he likes her, she likes him; she's fun, shiny and new. The chemistry is off the chain, they understand each other, finish each other's sentences, they are 'soulmates.'

 

The problem is the other woman (and other women i love you all, i really do) but after a while she begin to change. She gets caught up in the fantasy words that her married man is telling her (if men only knew how their words affected our way of thinking). The other woman then begins to see a future with her married man and wants him to leave his wife for her and this is where problems in the affair usually begin to arise.

 

Men do not understand that women (married or unmarried) are naturally incapable of having sex with without bonding. Very very very and i can't state very enough, very few women are capable of having NSA.

 

So, what started out as a fun NSA affair now becomes another sad statistic.

 

I've read this scenario time and time again and it will continue to happen until the end of time.

 

Awesome post and very true....

However men do start getting feelings after a while too. Usually the women get the feelings much much faster.

Honestly if it was just about the sex that would get stale after a while no matter how hot it was at first.

So depending on the length of A both the OW and the MM likely has strong feelings whether they admit to it or not.

[stilltrying16]

Awesome post and very true....

However men do start getting feelings after a while too. Usually the women get the feelings much much faster.

Honestly if it was just about the sex that would get stale after a while no matter how hot it was at first.

So depending on the length of A both the OW and the MM likely has strong feelings whether they admit to it or not.

 

Thanks for your replies; they are shedding so much light.

 

Just a couple of follow up questions for you: going forward, do you think it'll ever be possible to recreate the excitement and passion and awesome sex- eventually leading to romantic love again- with your wife?

 

If not, how will you handle it if there's a chance to get those needs met with a new OW?

[anika99]

I think we are all different. I was a MW and I did not love my ex husband (the way I should) to have had an affair. My (now) husband was a MM and I would agree with the same sentiment on his end.

 

In our cases our relationship became the primary one and was not about our respective (ex) spouses.

 

To me, at the point I stepped out was the death blow on the marriage. There is no way I could respect and love my ex husband and cheat on him. So the dichotomy didn't exist. It was a pretty black and white thing.

 

Right, all situations are different. In your case, both your husband and yourself left your spouses so that you could be together. I think this thread is more about the MM/MW who say they love their spouse, stay firmly planted in their marriage, and yet they say they love their affair partner also.

[carhill]

What I don't understand is how he can do what he is doing an still love W, which I truly believe he does.

 

Married folks can have other things on offer but not their exclusive legal commitment. For some it's sex, for others intimacy, for others attention gathering, for others social interaction, on and on. The one aspect that's not generally on offer is hearth and home. If they're exit affairing, that aspect could be on offer but it's generally unknown. The affair becomes a bridge from one hearth and home to another for those who prefer not to be homeless in the relationship sense.

 

Most of the MW's I've met in life do it for the attention. They profess to love their family and husband but their desire and need for attention either is greater than that provided or boundless and insatiable allowing no reasonable fulfillment. That early realization caused me to invent the label 'hoover', because I envisioned them sucking up attention and, in some cases love, like the vacuum cleaner, except the bag never gets full. It's eternal.

 

Anyway, that's been my experience. Whether they stay married or divorce and I've seen some of each over decades of interaction their behavioral patterns appear relatively static. That makes sense because our basic personalities remain relatively static throughout adulthood, once formed. Lastly, though it chagrins me to observe it, based on some of the interactions over long periods of time, like years or decades, I believe some minds trend to the disordered and these marriage and affair scenarios are manifestations of those disorders. I mention this because of episodes or long-term diagnosis of clinical behavioral or psychological disorders. People can still be autonomous adults and be disordered and have relationships and many do and many have the social skills and attractiveness otherwise to effect them.

 

Big world, lots of people, plenty of mindsets. I gave up on figuring it out years ago. Now I accept it and live my life on my terms.

[Liam1]

Something I am curious about and whilst I'm happy to hear any opinions I'm really looking to hear the thoughts from MM/MW that have been in LTA's

 

I am OW and, possibly naively, think I know MM. What I don't understand is how he can do what he is doing an still love W, which I truly believe he does.

 

I just can't seem to get my head around it and just wondering how the mindset works. Iv read on here about compartmentalising stuff and being selfish and I get that but it's being able to actually be involved in an affair when being in love with someone I just don't get.

 

i left my marriage a few years ago an it had been somewhat Rubbish for many years before that so maybe I have forgotten what it felt like to be at the in love but bored stage. Maybe it's the age old love them but not in love thing having an impact but Iv known people who claim to be in love still have affairs so I just don't know.

 

No real reason for my question, I'm just sat here pondering and thought I would see if anyone can shed any light

 

A large percentage of men can love their wives and have sex with another person. I think women are less likely to want sex without love and that may be why more women than men have trouble wrapping their minds around the concept.

 

There also, however, men who fall in love with their OW. There are a number of them posting on this forum. If you read their posts you will see that they clearly loved or still love their OW.

 

Just like any relationship, communication is the key to figuring things out.

[Confused9999]

Thanks for your replies; they are shedding so much light.

 

Just a couple of follow up questions for you: going forward, do you think it'll ever be possible to recreate the excitement and passion and awesome sex- eventually leading to romantic love again- with your wife?

 

If not, how will you handle it if there's a chance to get those needs met with a new OW?

 

Wow!! That is right to heart of the problem now..

 

I must say I am really struggling with that. I can't accept I will never have that passion again and awesome sex again.

I have not been able to translate and reproduce it into the marriage. I have tried to but you can't force it to happen!

 

I'm NC with the AP now and the feelings and heat are starting to fade. I am hoping as those fade I can start working on the more passionate sex with W.

 

I don't want to jump to another A. I really would want to have this with my W!!! I will keep trying and see what happens.... But eventually if it doesn't then I will have several choices I suppose.

[RecentChange]

I think the fact that not all are inherently monogamous is a huge factor

and something that those who are, cannot understand fully.

 

Seems to me we live in culture that accepts FBs, FWBs, casual. multi-dating, ONSs, flings...etc. as the "norm". These are all ways of allowing a person to enjoy multiple partners, all ways to procure sexual variety.

Yet we expect the very same people as soon as they get married to be completely monogamous, and when it doesn't happen, we are all somehow shocked...???

 

I do think that this is a factor many ignore. My cheating had nothing to do with love, and a lot to do with sex.

 

And a major contributor to my partner choosing to forgive / stay in the relationship is that he quote said " I knew this about you" - and no, he wasn't talking about me being a shiity person, he was talking about how I made it clear that when I met him I had never really been monogamous, and it wasn't something that really appealed to me. He knew that I was sexually adventurous, he knew how I compartmentalize and do not equate sex with love. Excuses? No, contributing factors to reasons? Yes.

 

My MM never said anything negitive about his wife. All he said is that she didn't deserve this and he was being selfiish. He did say that he didn't think that "one person could provide everything" - again, a basic doubting of monogamy seemed to be his "reason" - little to do with loving his wife or not, more about satisfying desires.

 

 

Like another poster said, I couldn't imagine loving someone and sending him home to his wife every night...

[stilltrying16]

Thank you so much, Confused999. Right after I posted it, I was thinking maybe I shouldn't have asked because it would be so hard to answer if the answer was no. So I really appreciate your honesty.

 

I wish you the very best and I hope you do find just what you are looking for.

[stilltrying16]

Wow!! That is right to heart of the problem now..

 

I must say I am really struggling with that. I can't accept I will never have that passion again and awesome sex again.

I have not been able to translate and reproduce it into the marriage. I have tried to but you can't force it to happen!

 

I'm NC with the AP now and the feelings and heat are starting to fade. I am hoping as those fade I can start working on the more passionate sex with W.

 

I don't want to jump to another A. I really would want to have this with my W!!! I will keep trying and see what happens.... But eventually if it doesn't then I will have several choices I suppose.

 

Oh, and I just wanted to add that if you do end up having several choices eventually, I hope your wife will as well - informed choices.

 

IMO it's a sad and ugly truth that the person willing to walk away from a relationship usually has all the power in the relationship. I wish it weren't that way. My idealism says love should have nothing to do with power, but the rest of me admits that sometimes it is all about power.

 

I'm not implying it was or will be that way for you or anyone else, but it was for me a long time ago.

 

Thank you again- you really helped. Best wishes.

Here's a book by a serious but controversial writer on related matters: Esther Perel's *Mating in Captivity*.

Edited May 11, 2016 by stilltrying16
added a book reco

[jenkins95]

Good question stilltrying - yes indeed, right to the heart of the problem! And good answer confused - I wish you nothing but the very best, and I understand where you're coming from. I struggled a lot with these type of questions myself.

 

I cheated and have been lucky enough to have been given another chance. Several months into recovery, the sex between my and my W is exactly what I would want it to be. It's great, sweet, loving and satisfying and happens once or twice a week! Perfect for a couple of our age and in our circumstances - kids, busy jobs, etc.

 

It is not the same as the affair sex I had - and I would never want it to be. That was pure fantasy stuff completely self-indulgent, crazy and unsustainable in the long term. A great adventure, but not the kind of sex that is realistic in a long marriage - you would never have any energy left to do anything else and you would soon tire of each other!

 

I know that what I say kind of sounds sh***y like I'm saying that affair sex is off the scale and married sex is just nice and comfortable. I'm not saying that at all. I am saying that I think it is damaging and pointless to compare the antics that we indulge with a new and exciting person, who we know we probably have limited time with, during an illicit, fantasy-based adventure in it's bubble, cut off from the rest of the world, where nothing else matters and no other pressures or external influences exist......to the sexual relationship enjoyed by a couple who may have been together for decades and have all manner of other pressures to attend to - children to feed, jobs to do, MIL to take to the shops, houses/cars to fix, bills to pay, husband's A to deal with, etc. To compare the two would be like comparing a week of taking shots of heroin to a lifetime of eating wholesome meals.

 

Not sure if I'm making sense, but the point I'm trying to make is that it is probably wrong to compare affair sex to long-term married sex and if you use this to measure the health of your marriage or it's likelihood to survive, then you could draw the wrong conclusions.

 

Good luck to everyone. We will beat this!

 

J

 

 

Wow!! That is right to heart of the problem now..

 

I must say I am really struggling with that. I can't accept I will never have that passion again and awesome sex again.

I have not been able to translate and reproduce it into the marriage. I have tried to but you can't force it to happen!

 

I'm NC with the AP now and the feelings and heat are starting to fade. I am hoping as those fade I can start working on the more passionate sex with W.

 

I don't want to jump to another A. I really would want to have this with my W!!! I will keep trying and see what happens.... But eventually if it doesn't then I will have several choices I suppose.

[elaine567]

I do think that this is a factor many ignore. My cheating had nothing to do with love, and a lot to do with sex.

 

I think more women are grasping the idea of sex alone without the need for "love". Many women of all ages are embracing the FWB/FB culture and cheating events, and are not necessarily "catching feelings" at all.

The number of married women who cheat is increasing too.

I believe the concept of men do it for sex and women do it for love will soon be outdated as more and more women allow themselves to enjoy sex without the need to justify it with "love".

[Girlfromcali]

Married folks can have other things on offer but not their exclusive legal commitment. For some it's sex, for others intimacy, for others attention gathering, for others social interaction, on and on. The one aspect that's not generally on offer is hearth and home. If they're exit affairing, that aspect could be on offer but it's generally unknown. The affair becomes a bridge from one hearth and home to another for those who prefer not to be homeless in the relationship sense.

 

Most of the MW's I've met in life do it for the attention. They profess to love their family and husband but their desire and need for attention either is greater than that provided or boundless and insatiable allowing no reasonable fulfillment. That early realization caused me to invent the label 'hoover', because I envisioned them sucking up attention and, in some cases love, like the vacuum cleaner, except the bag never gets full. It's eternal.

 

Anyway, that's been my experience. Whether they stay married or divorce and I've seen some of each over decades of interaction their behavioral patterns appear relatively static. That makes sense because our basic personalities remain relatively static throughout adulthood, once formed. Lastly, though it chagrins me to observe it, based on some of the interactions over long periods of time, like years or decades, I believe some minds trend to the disordered and these marriage and affair scenarios are manifestations of those disorders. I mention this because of episodes or long-term diagnosis of clinical behavioral or psychological disorders. People can still be autonomous adults and be disordered and have relationships and many do and many have the social skills and attractiveness otherwise to effect them.

 

Big world, lots of people, plenty of mindsets. I gave up on figuring it out years ago. Now I accept it and live my life on my terms.

 

I wanted to comment on this "most of the MW's do it for attention" -part. I think it's pretty interesting, and I love that there are men here giving perspective, also on how they perceive the MW.

I was reading stories here for a week and I was horrified about all the MM's and their shenanigans. When I wanted to break NC, I asked myself "why", and I couldn't figure it out.

I think I wanted attention from someone who desires me. I know there's someone who gets immediately turned on by me, and even though it's not much it's "not nothing". It's something.

When we talk about MM's and how they use us for sex not really wanting a real relationship. That might be all well and good, but in the end of the day it feels good to be desired, especially as much as one can be in the A.