Curious about MM/MW mindset

[Liam1]

Liam

Perhaps she meant what she said in the beginning and then bonded with you?

 

Poppy

 

Poppy:

 

Perhaps you are right. It's difficult to know for sure what is truly going on inside another person's head.

 

The odd thing is that I feel that the issue was more about the FOW being in competition with my wife.

 

I could be wrong, but her actions gave me that impression.

 

It seemed it was more about winning me over and getting me to leave my wife, rather than actually being in love with me.

[anika99]

But isn't LS a skewed population, as who is going to come here and say "Dear LS, I am in a FWB/FB/NSA relationshp and I am NOT catching feelings for him??? "

 

To Trust or Not to Trust: Ask Oxytocin - Scientific American

 

That article does not support your claim that oxytocin tells you who you can trust. The article talks about how oxytocin causes feeling of trust even when trust isn't warranted and leads to risky decisions. That's the problem when a woman has sex and her brain gets a big dose of oxytocin. It makes her feel loving and trusting of her sexual partner even if he isn't particularly trustworthy or loveable. Which is basically what I said about oxytocin clouding rational thought and common sense.

[imperfectangel]

Poppy:

 

Perhaps you are right. It's difficult to know for sure what is truly going on inside another person's head.

 

The odd thing is that I feel that the issue was more about the FOW being in competition with my wife.

 

I could be wrong, but her actions gave me that impression.

 

It seemed it was more about winning me over and getting me to leave my wife, rather than actually being in love with me.

 

 

Then that is very different and you're right to be peeved off at her, very strange behaviour but what I meant was that when she said all she wanted was a affair she might have genuinely meant it at that time. We can't guarantee how we'll feel about things in the future. Something must have changed for her doesn't make her a bad person. Maybe she thought your feelings were changing along with hers

[RecentChange]

. Also, after I broke it off, and 'fessed up to my wife, she stalked and tormented my wife. That created a lot of problems.

 

Uff, perhaps catching feelings is normal, and acceptable, but this would make me FURIOUS.

 

Here is another "crazy" angle for people to consider regarding the mind of "MW" mindset....

 

If my affair partner - dared to cause more damage than already done. I would have gone ballistic.

 

I felt very "moma bear" after D day, I knew I had hurt him (my partner), and now I wanted to protect him. I was doing everything in my power to damage control, he didn't need to experience any more pain surrounding it.

 

If my affair partner had done anything other than what he did do - which was to back away with his tail between his legs and go NC - it would have been much uglier.

 

Also - at first my partner was questioning if we really did go no contact (which we had) - he said he couldn't imagine it ending so abruptly. I reassured him, that yes, it did end just like that - because we weren't emotionally involved. It was just sex, nothing more. Further, we both knew what we were doing was wrong, and at any given point the other might *poof* into thin air.

 

I don't know.... My affair partner and I established some "rules" before going down this road. Not leaving our spouses (and zero intent to), keep emotions out of it, either side can end it at any time, no questions asked.

 

And we stuck to them - I would have been really upset if he broke those rules and went after my spouse.

[Confused9999]

.. My affair partner and I established some "rules" before going down this road. Not leaving our spouses (and zero intent to), keep emotions out of it, either side can end it at any time, no questions asked.

.

 

I did the exact same thing.. And I was always very upfront that I loved my W and had no intention of leaving...

But guess what.. All that is subject to change as time goes on and emotions get involved!

 

The funny thing is that I think we all have an illusion of total control of a situation and especially self control and how you will act.

But many of us are kidding ourselves! as soon as the emotions start coming into the picture, and usually we realize they did when it's too late, we act very different and totally out of control and certainly not how we thought we would at the beginning.

 

In the beginning of the affair I could of walked away at a moment notice. Sex was great but ok time to move on.

But after the emotions started it was not so simple!

[sophinla]

It is more than oxytoxin, it is thousands of years of revolutionary psychology at work that decided that the female gender is to be the one that bonds, gives birth and nourishes. This is the reason our entire world is able to continue. If the female gender cannot bond with those that she is close to, we wouldn't be able to reproduce and carry on, babies would die, family units would not exist.

 

So yeah, you can argue and fight all you want, at the end of the day, it is all in your genes.

[elaine567]

Poppy:

 

Perhaps you are right. It's difficult to know for sure what is truly going on inside another person's head.

 

The odd thing is that I feel that the issue was more about the FOW being in competition with my wife.

 

I could be wrong, but her actions gave me that impression.

 

It seemed it was more about winning me over and getting me to leave my wife, rather than actually being in love with me.

 

I think that having an agenda is a fairly common problem in so called NSA/FB/FWB/OW relationships.

Many women complaining on here it seems to me, choose to enter into such relationships with men they are interested in for some reason. So they don't just "catch feelings", they often went into the relationship with them and often with an agenda too. Those who come on here and complain about catching feelings are usually in FWB arrangements with real close friends, best friends, exes and other "desirable" men. The agenda was to get so close to the man that he would also "catch feelings" and when it doesn't work out that way, they are devastated.

That is a completely different scenario from those women entering such relationships with "undesirable" men merely to get an itch scratched or for great sex.

 

I guess your OW had her eye on replacing your wife as soon as she said yes to you, she took her "only for fun and sex" cues from you at the start and as things heated up she started to press for your divorce, with her then duly ensconced as your new wife...

[RecentChange]

Eh, it can be in your genes, it can be chemicals, it can cause emotions - but I do think we can still CHOOSE our actions.

 

Like you can CHOOSE to withdraw when you realize you are starting to feel "unacceptable" feelings for the situation. I have done it, I have seen my FWB do it. You can CHOOSE to indulge in fantasies and "future faking" thoughts, or you can recognize them and stop yourself.

 

I realize I am different than many, I am someone who has always had my feet very firmly planted on the ground, and value rationality over fantasy.

 

Here is a thought - relationships, of all kinds, take work! A long term relationship needs continuous watering and weeding.

 

And a FWB / FB relationship takes work as well - but a different kind. A continuous checking (pull back) of emotions, communication to make sure things are on the same page. Keeping in sight what the purpose of the relationship is, and adhering to that.

 

Allowing yourself to get "carried away" with emotions, and "fall in love" even though you know it is the wrong thing to do - well, you can say you were a victim of evolution I guess - but I think it comes down to choices made.

[Grapesofwrath]

I did the exact same thing.. And I was always very upfront that I loved my W and had no intention of leaving...

But guess what.. All that is subject to change as time goes on and emotions get involved!

 

The funny thing is that I think we all have an illusion of total control of a situation and especially self control and how you will act.

But many of us are kidding ourselves! as soon as the emotions start coming into the picture, and usually we realize they did when it's too late, we act very different and totally out of control and certainly not how we thought we would at the beginning.

 

In the beginning of the affair I could of walked away at a moment notice. Sex was great but ok time to move on.

But after the emotions started it was not so simple!

 

Confused: You sound so much like my xMM in your responses, so I'm wondering if I may ask a few questions. I mean no offense, and I admire your courage for being here.

 

How do you reconcile loving your wife with engaging in the affair? By this I mean, how did you feel about lying to your wife and deceiving her over a period of time while still feeling love for her? Did you respect her? Did you think that what she didn'tt know wouldn't hurt her? I'm very curious to understand the thought process.

 

My xMM was, after much discussion, able to admit that he loved me in a different way than he loved his wife. He also had one crisis of conscience when he felt that his feelings for me had "eclipsed" his feelings for his wife. Despite all this, he never once considered leaving his wife, nor did I ever ask him to.

 

We were talking once about these issues and I said that I understood that he loved me, but he must not love me very much because he was not interested in creating a future with me. He was very hurt by that remark and started to cry. (He would cry whenever I pursued this line of discussion, which at first seemed a sign of his depth of feeling but later came across as manipulation to get me to stop asking questions.)

 

Can you shed any light?

[Liam1]

Uff, perhaps catching feelings is normal, and acceptable, but this would make me FURIOUS.

 

Here is another "crazy" angle for people to consider regarding the mind of "MW" mindset....

 

If my affair partner - dared to cause more damage than already done. I would have gone ballistic.

 

I felt very "moma bear" after D day, I knew I had hurt him (my partner), and now I wanted to protect him. I was doing everything in my power to damage control, he didn't need to experience any more pain surrounding it.

 

If my affair partner had done anything other than what he did do - which was to back away with his tail between his legs and go NC - it would have been much uglier.

 

Also - at first my partner was questioning if we really did go no contact (which we had) - he said he couldn't imagine it ending so abruptly. I reassured him, that yes, it did end just like that - because we weren't emotionally involved. It was just sex, nothing more. Further, we both knew what we were doing was wrong, and at any given point the other might *poof* into thin air.

 

I don't know.... My affair partner and I established some "rules" before going down this road. Not leaving our spouses (and zero intent to), keep emotions out of it, either side can end it at any time, no questions asked.

 

And we stuck to them - I would have been really upset if he broke those rules and went after my spouse.

 

Thank you, Recent change, for that supportive post. I appreciate that.

 

My FOW and I also established rules before we went down the affair road.

 

One reason I chose to have the affair with her is she had prior affairs and at first claimed that they ended and she just moved on.

 

I never told her I loved her, I never future faked.

 

In fact,I continually reminded her in person, and in our email and text conversations, that it was just an affair, that when she initiated the affair, she claimed to only want an affair, that I loved my wife, and had no intention of leaving my wife.

 

She at first adamantly claimed to be of the same mindset.

 

The reason I think The FOW was more in competition with my wife, than in love with me is that after SHORT while she began to say I love you.

 

Too short really to actually know whether or not she loved me.

 

When I did not say it back, and reminded her that she initiated and agreed to only an affair, she seemed somewhat peeved, although she tried to hide it.

 

She then tried to tell me that I must love her in some way.

 

I told her as kindly as possible that the truth was I did not.

 

I told her I enjoyed being with her, I enjoyed sex with her. I liked her as a I would a friend.

 

I think you nailed it when you said in an earlier post that you enjoyed the way your AP made you feel about yourself when you were with him because that is exactly what I told my FOW and that was exactly how I felt.

 

I made it politely clear that I was not looking for a future with anyone but my wife.

 

I felt as you did, Recent Change, that the affair had caused my wife enough hurt and given the initial rules of engagement regarding the affair, I though the FOW should have just walked away, when it was ended.

 

The fact that she harassed my wife, afterward, raised some serious doubt with my wife, albeit unfounded, that I had cut off contact so quickly.

 

These conversations and The FOW's insistence that I must "love her in some way" was the reason I ended the relationship fairly quickly.

 

I do agree with you and others, however, that everyone is vastly different and that there appear to be women who actually only want a FWB, and not a new spouse.

 

You are not the only women on this forum who has mentioned that they were not interested in leaving their spouse and that never changed during their affair, at least in their cases.

 

I think my early clue regarding my FOW's true motives should have been the fact that the OW stated many many times that she did not love her husband, but married him for his money and the lifestyle he provided.

 

I think the difference is that you and I do love our mates and neither you or I were trying to replace them.

[Confused9999]

Confused: You sound so much like my xMM in your responses, so I'm wondering if I may ask a few questions. I mean no offense, and I admire your courage for being here.

 

How do you reconcile loving your wife with engaging in the affair? By this I mean, how did you feel about lying to your wife and deceiving her over a period of time while still feeling love for her? Did you respect her? Did you think that what she didn'tt know wouldn't hurt her? I'm very curious to understand the thought process.

 

My xMM was, after much discussion, able to admit that he loved me in a different way than he loved his wife. He also had one crisis of conscience when he felt that his feelings for me had "eclipsed" his feelings for his wife. Despite all this, he never once considered leaving his wife, nor did I ever ask him to.

 

We were talking once about these issues and I said that I understood that he loved me, but he must not love me very much because he was not interested in creating a future with me. He was very hurt by that remark and started to cry. (He would cry whenever I pursued this line of discussion, which at first seemed a sign of his depth of feeling but later came across as manipulation to get me to stop asking questions.)

 

Can you shed any light?

 

Ok I can share my views and experiences.. This does not mean you exMM was the same.

 

What I am going to say may not be that popular in this forum but it will be honest, and likely true to most MM whether they publically say it or not.

 

First off I am a very logical person and am able to easily compartmentalize, in fact most men tend to be this way based on how the male brain works. We can block things out and concentrate on a task at hand.

So when I was with my AP I did not think of my W. It was as simple as that.

 

When I was with my W, especially in the beginning of the A, I just did not think of my AP. Simple..the AP was wild crazy sex and a lot of fun but just for that moment. Nothing to do with my real life with my W. In fact when you wrote in your other post

"My xMM used to phone home every night, when he was spending the night with me. He would excuse himself to another room and make "a quick call." After the call, he would return to wherever I was, apologize for the interruption, and return to whatever we were doing. No guilt. No internal conflict. Unbelievable compartmentalization. "

I actually did that many times!

 

 

I also did not think to empathize about what would an A do to my wife for several reasons. First I did not expect to be caught so no harm done, and in fact I have not been caught.

Second I was in an affair fog. Basically looking back I was not thinking rationally.

 

In the beginning I would feel guilt and actually tried to stop the A several times but either i gave in and got back or the OW sucked me back in.

But as time wore on the guilt subsided and the routine become normal. As weird as that sounds it's true.

 

What really threw a wrench into this was my feelings for AP. I did not expect any and it suddenly dawned on me that I had them.

Then I had a bigger problem where I could not compartmentalize as well and when I was with my W I thought of OW. That's when I knew this was a big problem.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Confused9999

[stilltrying16]

Thanks again, Liam, Jenkins and Confused. Good to have so much honesty.

 

But oy.

 

 

It is all very depressing. Time for a martini. After that I'm packing my bags and going off to become a Bhiksuni.

[Girlfromcali]

Well that's all well and good Liam and Confused.

 

However, my MM told me he loved me, he called me his wife in public, he said I was his soulmate, and that he thinks about me the first thing in the morning when he wakes up...etc. He's said things like he has never had anyone that the mere thought of her turns him on so much. He has said that it's the first time he feels like he can't control his feelings (and that he doesn't like the fact that he's unable to control his feelings).

 

I mean what am I supposed to think if someone (who I happen to find extremely attractive) tells me all those things?

 

The truth is, however, that his honest answer would be probably like confused9999's answer.

[Grapesofwrath]

Ok I can share my views and experiences.. This does not mean you exMM was the same.

 

What I am going to say may not be that popular in this forum but it will be honest, and likely true to most MM whether they publically say it or not.

 

First off I am a very logical person and am able to easily compartmentalize, in fact most men tend to be this way based on how the male brain works. We can block things out and concentrate on a task at hand.

So when I was with my AP I did not think of my W. It was as simple as that.

 

When I was with my W, especially in the beginning of the A, I just did not think of my AP. Simple..the AP was wild crazy sex and a lot of fun but just for that moment. Nothing to do with my real life with my W. In fact when you wrote in your other post

"My xMM used to phone home every night, when he was spending the night with me. He would excuse himself to another room and make "a quick call." After the call, he would return to wherever I was, apologize for the interruption, and return to whatever we were doing. No guilt. No internal conflict. Unbelievable compartmentalization. "

I actually did that many times!

 

 

I also did not think to empathize about what would an A do to my wife for several reasons. First I did not expect to be caught so no harm done, and in fact I have not been caught.

Second I was in an affair fog. Basically looking back I was not thinking rationally.

 

In the beginning I would feel guilt and actually tried to stop the A several times but either i gave in and got back or the OW sucked me back in.

But as time wore on the guilt subsided and the routine become normal. As weird as that sounds it's true.

 

What really threw a wrench into this was my feelings for AP. I did not expect any and it suddenly dawned on me that I had them.

Then I had a bigger problem where I could not compartmentalize as well and when I was with my W I thought of OW. That's when I knew this was a big problem.

 

Thank you, Confused. This helped.

 

So what was it that brought the A to a close, if it was not a D-Day? Was there a close-call on a D-Day that freaked you out?

 

Was this your first A? How long did it last?

[Confused9999]

Well that's all well and good Liam and Confused.

 

However, my MM told me he loved me, he called me his wife in public, he said I was his soulmate, and that he thinks about me the first thing in the morning when he wakes up...etc. He's said things like he has never had anyone that the mere thought of her turns him on so much. He has said that it's the first time he feels like he can't control his feelings (and that he doesn't like the fact that he's unable to control his feelings).

 

I mean what am I supposed to think if someone (who I happen to find extremely attractive) tells me all those things?

 

The truth is, however, that his honest answer would be probably like confused9999's answer.

 

I said the same things to my AP and I meant them.

Doesn't mean your MM doesn't mean that and does not contradict what I was saying above.

[Confused9999]

Thank you, Confused. This helped.

 

So what was it that brought the A to a close, if it was not a D-Day? Was there a close-call on a D-Day that freaked you out?

 

Was this your first A? How long did it last?

 

A lasted almost 3 years. The OW eventually wanted more and I could not give it to her even though I did love her. However I still did love my W and family and did not intend to break that up.

We actually continued past that moment and she found a BF but was much worse at compatmetilizing then me.

It was almost a Dday for her with her BF and thats what actually that stopped it.

 

We connected several times after but I decided NC would be the best option going forward to ensure no one gets hurt.

 

And yes this was my only one...

Edited May 13, 2016 by Confused9999

[Girlfromcali]

I said the same things to my AP and I meant them.

Doesn't mean your MM doesn't mean that and does not contradict what I was saying above.

 

I know, and thank you so much saying that. I need to be reminded of it, and I am very greatful you are willing to be honest.

 

It hurts so badly and I don't know how to ever get over it, but I'd rather be in pain and hear the truth than live in a lie and have false hopes.

[Confused9999]

I know, and thank you so much saying that. I need to be reminded of it, and I am very greatful you are willing to be honest.

 

It hurts so badly and I don't know how to ever get over it, but I'd rather be in pain and hear the truth than live in a lie and have false hopes.

 

 

 

Your exMM probably meant it as much as I meant it!

 

But there is more at stake. And like me he probably decided that going back to his wife and family was the right thing to do. That does NOT mean that the feelings were any less or that he didn't mean them.

[Girlfromcali]

Your exMM probably meant it as much as I meant it!

 

But there is more at stake. And like me he probably decided that going back to his wife and family was the right thing to do. That does NOT mean that the feelings were any less or that he didn't mean them.

 

Yeah..well I would never want him to leave his W, nor would I ask him to choose. It's not because I'm afraid he'd choose her but I wouldn't think I could ever replace his W or be as good as her. If he'd leave her for me, he might resent me eventually because I made him choose.

So rationally my feelings make no sense because I wouldn't even want the end result, and that's why men probably think that women are nuts sometimes cause they make no sense lol..

 

But he said he never felt any guilt, even in the beginning. He said it felt right. I guess he had never thought he could compartmentalize so well. He is extremely good at compartmentalizing and super analytical. His cheating was very premeditated. It wasn't an accident nor because of opportunity. He has a lot of opportunity with much younger and prettier women that don't live thousands of miles away.

 

Do you still love your AP? How long did it take for you to not love her anymore? I'm asking because I can be NC for months and months and he still would say he still loves me. I feel it's just to keep me in love with him even if nothing happens. It's so selfish. He always says the same things. He's like a broken record. He has nothing to lose, I guess. Would you take your xAP back if she was willing to come back as your side chick and make no demands?

Edited May 13, 2016 by Girlfromcali

[ShatteredLady]

GirlFromCali. Oh really, please no "I can be NC for months and months and he still would say he still loves me. I feel it's just to keep me in love with him even if nothing happens.".

 

Has there been a d-day? I ask to know if he's inflicting this vile torture & disrespect on TWO women & their precious hearts! Ugh!!

 

How can he dissrespect your wishes so much? Why? How does he justify it?...... * "She doesn't REALLY mean it when she says NC",

*"I know she thinks she wants NC but she's not smart enough to know what she really wants."

* "She just needs to cool off & stop this hissy fit & then she'll beg for more!"

 

Or maybe...

 

* "I can't keep away from her any longer. I miss her. I LUV her"

 

....so it's ok for me to go against her wishes. Refuse her what she needs for her healing. Continue hurting her, killing something inside of her for longer because I luv her... which means I don't give a flying fluck about her wants & needs. They're completely irrelevant to ME & my desires! She can't be healed & happy because that would mean I'd loose her.

 

 

Ain't love grand?

[Girlfromcali]

GirlFromCali. Oh really, please no "I can be NC for months and months and he still would say he still loves me. I feel it's just to keep me in love with him even if nothing happens.".

 

Has there been a d-day? I ask to know if he's inflicting this vile torture & disrespect on TWO women & their precious hearts! Ugh!!

 

How can he dissrespect your wishes so much? Why? How does he justify it?...... * "She doesn't REALLY mean it when she says NC",

*"I know she thinks she wants NC but she's not smart enough to know what she really wants."

* "She just needs to cool off & stop this hissy fit & then she'll beg for more!"

 

Or maybe...

 

* "I can't keep away from her any longer. I miss her. I LUV her"

 

....so it's ok for me to go against her wishes. Refuse her what she needs for her healing. Continue hurting her, killing something inside of her for longer because I luv her... which means I don't give a flying fluck about her wants & needs. They're completely irrelevant to ME & my desires! She can't be healed & happy because that would mean I'd loose her.

 

 

Ain't love grand?

 

We've never really had proper NC. I'm struggling with that. They say that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome.

 

I am moving forward, though. The first time in years I am doing something that I love and I am bettering myself, and not caring too much what he thinks about me etc.

 

I am struggling with the NC and still have a hard time accepting the reality, but the difference between me and him is that I am self reflecting, learning, moving forward, whereas he is still exactly the same. I hardly talk to him anymore and it very rarely goes to that point where he says those things because I won't let it happen. But I know him by now.

 

It's like I'm expecting him to change since I'm changing. But he still says the same things. It's just weird. In a way it's nice because I know what to expect from him (not much).

 

(No d-day but he told his W. She said she didn't want to know who it was as long as it wasn't anyone she knew).

Edited May 13, 2016 by Girlfromcali

[Confused9999]

.

 

Do you still love your AP? How long did it take for you to not love her anymore? I'm asking because I can be NC for months and months and he still would say he still loves me. I feel it's just to keep me in love with him even if nothing happens. It's so selfish. He always says the same things. He's like a broken record. He has nothing to lose, I guess. Would you take your xAP back if she was willing to come back as your side chick and make no demands?

 

 

I still love her... I don't know how long it will take, maybe forever since there was no real closure or reason we broke up, usually when people break up they don't like each other any longer and ready to move on. That was not the case here.

but it is definitely not as intense as it was when we were together and slowly emotions are fading.

 

It's been about 6 months since we last slept together and about 2 months total NC.

 

I have to give you some strong advice... I didn't take that advice myself and it made my pain and healing much longer then necessary.

GO and STAY NC. I feel MUCH better and clearer the last 2 months then when I was still talking to her.

 

Your last question.. "Would I take her back?" If you read my previous posts in this thread I mentioned I am struggling.

I am in a lot better place now and would like to make it work with my W and get the missing passion and primal sex.

 

But In the context of full disclosure... I would try and resist but not sure if I could. I do still miss that a lot!

[Liam1]

Thanks again, Liam, Jenkins and Confused. Good to have so much honesty.

 

But oy.

 

 

It is all very depressing. Time for a martini. After that I'm packing my bags and going off to become a Bhiksuni.

 

Well, I hate to think that you ran off and became a lady monk because of something we said.

 

Confused9999 said: I also did not think to empathize about what would an A do to my wife for several reasons. First I did not expect to be caught so no harm done, and in fact I have not been caught.

Second I was in an affair fog. Basically looking back I was not thinking rationally.

My logic was different. I also felt that what she did not know would not hurt her, and because she had lost interest in sex, I felt I was taking nothing away from our relationship. I was not caught, either and I do not think I would have been caught because my wife and I at the time were leading very separate lives. She never questioned me at all about what I did while at work, or out in the evening.

 

In addition, if I learned that my wife had a sexual relationship with someone but did not love him, it really would not cause me that much angst. It would definitely be something I could understand, handle and move past.

 

So.... thinking like a lot of men, I did not think my wife would be so upset, when I told her and ended the affair. Unfortunately, she is not a man, and she was hurt and upset.

 

IMO, if my wife said she loved the guy, that might lead to a divorce because then I would feel as if my wife were settling for me rather than wanting to stay married to me by choice.

 

For me lust and love are two totally separate concepts. Lust can exist without love and love can exist with or without lust.

 

IMO, no marriage can sustain the lustful feelings felt at the beginning of any new relationship.

 

I dated a lot of women while in school and single.

 

Within those relationships, I was always capable of having a FWB situation. In most of those relationships, neither of us wanted to marry while still young and in school.

 

In fact at the time I was in school, I actually chose women that were not the type I would want to marry because I was not yet ready for marriage and neither were they.

 

So my situation is very different from Confused9999's emotional/sexual affair.

 

I also never felt as if I was in an affair fog. I was perfectly cognizant of what was going on, and I purposely chose someone to have an affair with that was more like a FWB than a real relationship lover type of situation.

 

Confused9999 you said:

 

What really threw a wrench into this was my feelings for AP. I did not expect any and it suddenly dawned on me that I had them.

Then I had a bigger problem where I could not compartmentalize as well and when I was with my W I thought of OW. That's when I knew this was a big problem.

Confused:

 

What changed in the relationship that you all of sudden realized you fell in love with her? Was there some type of competition suddenly from someone?

 

Did you think it was the kind of love that would survive a REAL relationship or marriage?

[jenkins95]

Girlfromcali

 

Just wanted to add to what confused said on this issue. As the MM, I too said all this to my OW...and I meant it.

 

But it didn't change the fact that, like the other guys here including confused, I never said I would leave my W (who I also love) and create chaos to my family. When it all hit the fan and my W wanted to give it a go, I stayed.

 

I'm not proud of this at all - I just wanted to illustrate that MMs in affairs are not all just monsters who lie to get sex. Some of us (possibly most of us) mean every word we say and we suffer immense pain and confusion after the A too. Pain which we have to keep quiet about 0 except to you wonderful people on here of course.

 

I will always miss my OW and wish her nothing but the best.

 

Good luck everyone.

 

 

Well that's all well and good Liam and Confused.

 

However, my MM told me he loved me, he called me his wife in public, he said I was his soulmate, and that he thinks about me the first thing in the morning when he wakes up...etc. He's said things like he has never had anyone that the mere thought of her turns him on so much. He has said that it's the first time he feels like he can't control his feelings (and that he doesn't like the fact that he's unable to control his feelings).

 

I mean what am I supposed to think if someone (who I happen to find extremely attractive) tells me all those things?

 

The truth is, however, that his honest answer would be probably like confused9999's answer.

[jenkins95]

Confused, are you sure that you are not me? I'm starting to think I may have an alter ego who posts here under a different name!

 

Every post you write could have been written word by word by me!

 

Everyone who read's confused posts - please mentally score it "2 points" because I almost certainly agree with every word he says!

 

Joking aside, even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it is comforting to know that there are people out there who understand and share my pain. Who have literally been there, done it and got the t-shirt - in pretty much exactly the same way I did. I follow your posts with great interest Confused. And I wish you nothing but the best.

 

I still love her... I don't know how long it will take, maybe forever since there was no real closure or reason we broke up, usually when people break up they don't like each other any longer and ready to move on. That was not the case here.

but it is definitely not as intense as it was when we were together and slowly emotions are fading.

 

It's been about 6 months since we last slept together and about 2 months total NC.

 

I have to give you some strong advice... I didn't take that advice myself and it made my pain and healing much longer then necessary.

GO and STAY NC. I feel MUCH better and clearer the last 2 months then when I was still talking to her.

 

Your last question.. "Would I take her back?" If you read my previous posts in this thread I mentioned I am struggling.

I am in a lot better place now and would like to make it work with my W and get the missing passion and primal sex.

 

But In the context of full disclosure... I would try and resist but not sure if I could. I do still miss that a lot!