maja Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Hello, this question will most likely pertain to guys, but please, anyone advise.... Why are men so stubborn?!!! My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years and we also live together. We hardly ever go out as we're both very busy with our jobs and school, but when we do, we usually go out together with our mutual friends. Well last weekend I wanted to go out and do a girls night out, he knows all of the girls as well, and I asked him if he'll be okay with the fact that I want to go out. He said that's fine but not to get drunk or come home late. The two things he doesn't like me doing IF I go out by myself. Well I went and kept him in touch over text messaging with exactly what I was doing. When I told him that after the restaurant we were heading for a nightclub, he got so upset and hung up the phone. I'm not sure what his problem is, I came home not too late and not even close to being buzzed and it's been three days and he won't talk to me at all. I didn't try to talk to him at home as I'm always the first one to apologize and make things better, but this time I know for a fact that I did nothing wrong and I’m being stubborn as well till he talks to me first. The only thing that I did do was email him asking what his deal is and he didn't bother to reply nor talk to me once he got home. I really don't know what to do about this situation and what to say. Do I keep to myself till he starts to speak to me first or do I face him??? Link to post Share on other sites
UltimateZen Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Your bf has insecurity issues. You need to nip this in the bud and define the parameters of what constitutes a night out with the girls. You kept him informed through text (which is extreme in my opinion) and was home at a reasonable time. He needs to let loose the reigns a little bit....however you also need to understand that night clubs are a hormone pool. He probably thinks that (and he is correct) that guys are hitting on you left and right to get their groove on. Even if you don't encourage that behavior, night clubs promote dancing and attraction. Perhaps in the future, when there was change in plans, you should invite him. Communication. Don't just let this drop, otherwise you are encouraging this behavior from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maja Posted June 21, 2005 Author Share Posted June 21, 2005 The nightclub that I went to, is owned by our close friend. He know exactly what goes on there and i'm sure someone in a heart beat would have informed him if I wasn't being a good girl. That is why i don't understand what the huge issues is. We know everyone that works there, so all eyes are on me, i'm sure. Communication to me is number 1, but to him apperantly not.....thanks for your reply.... Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I was going to say that "club" = bad news (I would strongly counsel any man to avoid girls who still go to clubs, for the reasons posted above) until I heard about the close connection to your pal. Is there more to the story? Is he usually possessive, does this friend who owns it have an interest in you, that kind of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
onlyhuman Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 This has nothing to do about being stubborn.Your boyfriend is jealous and insecure.If you were going out he should be happy, not give you grief.If any girl I went out with went out with the girls I would also offer to pick them up if they got a bit tipsy.You've got to trust people. BTW, don't stereotype all us guys as being stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius I was going to say that "club" = bad news (I would strongly counsel any man to avoid girls who still go to clubs, for the reasons posted above) I guess all the boys better avoid me Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Well hopefully this will give you some insight. I was just like your boyfriend. I wasn't a clubber, or a drinker and for the most part never went on any boys night out. I was consumed with work and school, and with what little time I had left I always made it a point to spend it with her. Then girls night out came along. I was tied up with other things, and had no problem with here going......until When i spoke to her next I assumed: 1) She had been drunk 2) That she had been high 3) She had been flirting with other guys 4) Taken a phone number or two. 5) Bitched about me to her girlfriends. 6) Looked at going out as an opportunity to explore other options. 7) Made out or slept with someone Why? Cause I did not trust her. Then coupled with my jealousy and insecurity lead to me breaking up with her that night while all the time calling her a slut. I regret that, but I probabaly did her a favour. So there be some trust issue in your relationship as well, but in your case I think that the fact that the two of you have spent so little time together, has only enhanced his insecurities and jealousies. My suggestion is try and find some time for yourselves, if not I think you're headed down my path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maja Posted June 21, 2005 Author Share Posted June 21, 2005 Cecelius, the owner does not want me, he never flirted with me or said anything to me that he'd be interested. The first time I went out on a girls night out, we went to that club, I got drunk and came home at 3:30 in the morning, my man was beyond himself furious and told me that it makes him look bad in front of them (the people/friends) at the club that he wouldn't want me going there by myself again. But when I was asking him if he's ok with the fact that i'd be going there he just said not to get drunk and come home late. So that's what i did, I came home at 1:30 and wasn't drunk at all. Now it's the 4th day he's not talking to me at all and when I tried to talk to him, he ignores me.....I don't know what to do, i'm hurt and i'm starting to think that he doesn't care about me becasue of his actions. I know he loves me deeply and we talk about our plans for the future all the time, but at this point, i just don't know what to do for us to make up. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by maja The first time I went out on a girls night out, we went to that club, I got drunk and came home at 3:30 in the morning, my man was beyond himself furious and told me that it makes him look bad in front of them (the people/friends) at the club that he wouldn't want me going there by myself again. But when I was asking him if he's ok with the fact that i'd be going there he just said not to get drunk and come home late. So that's what i did, I came home at 1:30 and wasn't drunk at all. So you went to the club anyway? From the sounds of it, based on what you wrote, I don't think it was clear to him that you were going to go to the club. I thought you told him later on in the evening your were going to a club? It didnt look like it was in the plan originally and then you texted him that you were going to the club. Why didn't you tell him that the club was a possibiity before? Knowing how he felt about it and not wanting you to go, were you going to ask for forgiveness instead of permission? He may feel that after that first time experience at the club, by going now you can care less about his feelings. Although he doesn't have a right to dictate where you go, I think you may have been alittle insensative on where you went knowing the history. Now its a trust issue as well if it wasnt before. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar I guess all the boys better avoid me ahem, I meant avoid [dating] women who hang out in clubs... Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I think you have a compatibility issue. He has a view about the kinds of things his g/f should or shouldn't be up to. I don't think he should be giving you a hard time or the silent treatment, though -- his remedy, if he doesn't think this is okay behavior, is to break it off. If you enjoy going to this place or places like it, and plan to continue it, explain that to him and explain that you don't plan on getting treated this way afterwards. If it's that much of a deal breaker to him, then just break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maja Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 Cecelius, sorry for the confusion. When I went to the club the first time I went out with the girls, i came home late and tipsy, we got into a fight, then cleared things away but that was a few months ago. Now when I went out for the second time, I had asked him more then once if he was okay with the fact that I was going to go out, first to the restaurant for some drinks and maybe later to the club. I did tell him that there was a possibility that we might go there, so what does he say? he tells me "you know what I don't like" I said ok I won't get drunk and I won't come home late. I did just that. But when I left the restaurant I called him to say hiiii, blah, blah, and told him that now we are on the way to the club for a bit, he got all upset and told me that I lied to him. Why lie? I told him before I left the house that there was a possibility that we might go to the club, but he was upset and hung up. But going back to when I asked him at first if he was okay with the fact that i'm going out, I specifically said that if he wants me to stay home I will, and i also said that i don't want to come home to a fight because if i do, i rather stay home, but now all has changed and i'm the bad guy and my man that lives with me won't talk to me at all...... Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by maja I did tell him that there was a possibility that we might go there, so what does he say? he tells me "you know what I don't like" I said ok I won't get drunk and I won't come home late. I did just that. But when I left the restaurant I called him to say hiiii, blah, blah, and told him that now we are on the way to the club for a bit, he got all upset and told me that I lied to him. Why lie? This is so spooky. Cause this is almost exactly what happened to me. My scenario is that my gf at the time had a tendancy to drink, and I was uncomfortable with it. After a few times, we got into it and she said she would only have 1 beer. I told her that I would PREFER if she didn't have any, and if she had to drink make it wine. (long story as to why). So one night she told me she was going to a bar to grab a bite to eat with friends. The next day I lost it on her. Why? Cause I felt she chose beer and drinking over me! Even though she kept to her 1 drink limit. In your case he may have thought you chose clubbing over him. Don;t get me wrong, we were both wrong in not actually saying "No I don't want you to go." or no "I don't want you to drink." But at the same time I felt I couldn't order her not to do it because I knew it was wrong, and I was hoping she would come to the same conclusion herself. Naive thought to be sure. So I think that there is alot of stock in what Celcius says. Perhaps you two are just not compatible. I realized this, and I ended it. Link to post Share on other sites
NutellaGirl Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 What's the long story as to why you would prefer it be wine? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maja Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 ImaManDammit, thanks for all of your help! I faced him last night, as I couldn't live like this anymore. He was very upset to talk to me, but told me that he doesn't mind if I have a girls night out at a restaurant, but he doesn't want me to go out to clubs without him especially the one that our friend owns as he said it makes him look bad and that it makes people talk on why he's not there and that it's ruining his reputation. He was upset that I disrespected him by going after he told me on the phone that he doesn't want me to go. He said that respect is more important to him then love.....I guess it is all my fault after all as I should have not get so stubborn and went home instead..... Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by maja He was very upset to talk to me, but told me that he doesn't mind if I have a girls night out at a restaurant, but he doesn't want me to go out to clubs without him especially the one that our friend owns as he said it makes him look bad and that it makes people talk on why he's not there and that it's ruining his reputation. Thought so. I knew I wasn't the only one. Glad it helped. He was upset that I disrespected him by going after he told me on the phone that he doesn't want me to go. He said that respect is more important to him then love.....I guess it is all my fault after all as I should have not get so stubborn and went home instead..... Now, just because you know what the problem is doesn't mean he was right. If it was about the respect for his feelings, because you did something that made him feel uncomfortable that showed him a lack of respect for his feelings is one thing, but respect amongst his peers? That's a little selfish. Does he had a problem with you going to clubs in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maja Posted June 22, 2005 Author Share Posted June 22, 2005 I never go out to any clubs, if I do, just this one and this was my second time i went out with out him. We very much so enjoy each others company so we usually go out together. He did say he wouldn't want me going out to clubs without him especially the one that our friend owns. So i take that statement as going out to ther clubs as a big no no.... I guess we are both at fault here, but if i didn't get upet on the phone because he got upset none of this would ever happen. That's where the disrespect came in on my behalf. I got stubborn and went out more, he was expecting me to respect that he doesn't want me going and come home. Everything seems to be fine now, we talk in general, hug, kiss, so i hope this would be forgotten soon.... thanks much for your input, you were great! Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I think you ought to head down to a business surplus sale, and go ahead and grab a time clock. Then, when you leave for girls night out, you can punch in. When you return, you can punch out. If you call your local police auction, they can probably sell you a portable breath analyzer cheap - especially used, and maybe your gyno could send you a sperm kit or you could get a CSI-like blue light so he could scan you for any fluids or excretions the second you walk through the door. Oh, and don't forget the yellow goggles so he doesn't hurt his eyes while doing so. A scent dog might be expensive, but well worth it if he fears you've stashed some drugs in cavities he's unwilling to search, and perhaps a Viva La Bam body cam assortment so he can track your movements more closely via satellite. In fact, if you install a webcam at your desk at work, he can closely monitor your every move throughout the day. Your co-workers might object to a bathroom cam - so you'll have to avoid peeing until you clock back in at home each day. Now, the polygraph is a huge investment, but will set his mind at ease, and really adds that special extra touch to any living room, so I'd put that on your must-have list, just after the disciplinary muzzle & paddle. Finally, rather than just the tedious silent treatment, you may wish to invest in some dog collars with the obedience shock attachments for behavior modification. They are remote operated, so he can continue on with his daily life, meting out your punishment in measured doses throughout the day, without putting extra stress lines in his face from puckering to keep his lips closed. 20 or so volts ought to do you. Or - you could insist upon a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by New_Wife Or - you could insist upon a healthy relationship. Its just amazing how in the span of a few e-mails this guy was crucified. What I read, while we were being dragged him onto the boards of wood, was letting him know her whereabouts was her choice. And then while we were swinging the hammer, maybe might have noticed that he has an issue with Clubs specifically and the fact she went to one anyway. And as we propping the cross on the mound, we might have seen there are some feeling here that need to be addressed on insecurity. But oh well. Crucifying is just so much more fun. Link to post Share on other sites
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