Tired of aggressiveness, boredom, unfulfillment

[2020inhidsight]

So...

 

This Sunday there was after an episode of verbal violence, in which my common law husband freaked out at me not wanting to lend him money from my credit card so he could purchase a 700k home (he'd pay me back in a week, but I am in severe debt as a business venture didn't go well and took the stance that if we can't buy without this maneuver, it is very obviously not the moment to make his step, specially as there are many hidden costs in such an endeavour).

 

He used a lot of blackmailing "I thought I was asking it to my wife, but apparently you are not behaving as such", "I can't live in this small condo anymore, I am going nuts", "I thought you had my back no matter what".

 

Then he got more and more furious and started ranting. When I tried to have a dialogue in the middle of his ranting and say something, he yelled super loud (hurt my ears) that he hates to be interrupted.

 

I got in shock at the yelling and also the great pressure of being basically forced to take the last few thousand dollars from my credit (I am unemployed) to make a huge purchase that I can't afford. I started crying uncontrollably and then he started an even more aggressive rant basically accusing me of everything that has gone wrong in his life, from lack of friends (alienated over the years), problems with his family (trouble folks, yet they run after him all the time and he has chosen not to communicate; his father won't speak with him because he didn't ask for his approval for our union).

 

So... I finally flipped and cried out of my lungs that he should leave my condo (which has been our home on and off for the last three years we've been together).

 

He's gone, although we have contact. These last two days, I have felt both extremely terrified and extremely relieved.

 

With him out of the place, I feel I can finally breathe and be myself without someone either bothering, boring, or criticizing me.

 

Some more background:

 

- We were friends/acquaintances for about seven years, married to different people, until we both divorced at about the same time, he moved to France, then we got together during a 2-week visit he had at our city. Six weeks later he had moved back and we were living together (I know....)

 

- We have no children, just two small dogs that stay between him and I when we fight. The poor dogs feel they need to defend me.... We tried fertility treatment, but it didn't work. We were speaking of adopting, but deep down I can't bring myself to insert an already suffering child to this unstable home, so I stall.

 

- He has been a controlling man, very specific in the way he wants me to think and act (his way is often the only right way).

 

- I am a PhD and feel the need for intellectual stimulation; he gets home and watches anime, superhero movies, or Youtube/Facebook videos to pass the night away. We mostly talk about work and money as both he and me are quite workaholic prone and have been obsessed about achieving our financial independence. As we don't share many other interests, this topic took over our common life. He also gets upset/feels censured if I ask us to change the subject

 

- He is an extremely hot bodybuilder, dark tall and handsome, yet we only have sex once every 7 to 10 days, and when I express my sexual desire for him in between, he either blows it off or accuses me of being vulgar. He says he wants more romance, that I am too direct and it rubs him the wrong way. He doesn't create romance on his end either. He says he gave up because I didn't get it.

 

- His romance might have gone all the way over my head. When he first came to live with me, he scheduled a full week of activities including traveling to cities 4 hours away, without planning it together. I had taken time off to get used to being together and discover each other, then all of a sudden we were all over the province and I was overwhelmed and feeling a bit bossed, which - added to the surprise at feeling bored with our conversations - didn't amount to a very romantic feeling.

 

- One day in the middle of a heated discussion he came all the way from the room to the kitchen where I was, put his hands around my neck and choked me. I have to say that I come from an extremely abusive childhood, so sometimes in the past when he yelled half an inch from my face, or went over his aggressive and loud rants when I asked him to stop, I flipped then kicked and punched him away from me. I feel the pressure, aggressivity and control are bringing me towards increased craziness. The day he choked me I was a split second away of grabbing a kitchen knife nearby and letting it in.

 

- We have a major fight every two weeks. The mortgage episode was just one of many. Sometimes the reason is absurd, such as this time, another it is just stupidly trivial.

 

- On the surface we are a good looking, successful, and charming couple. In reality, we are broke and sick. Not all the time. We are also generous, hardworking, and loyal. But the level of aggressivity and constant conflict is very serious.

 

This situation is not healthy and I know it. Yet, he keeps calling me and saying I just need to chill for a month, not look for any job, he'd take care of the bills and let me "relax and come to my senses" as I am not "in a situation to make any major decision". When he minimizes our problems and says we just need to dedicate ourselves more t each other, I feel gaslighted and nauseared.

 

I feel the time to act on achieving peace and sanity is now. Please give me your unbiased opinion!!!!

Edited May 11, 2016 by 2020inhidsight
add more detail

[basil67]

You did the right thing. The next step is to make sure that he can't live with you again. Of course, how you go about this depends on the legalities of your living situation.

 

Meanwhile, you need to let him know that it's over. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. Over.

 

Do you have friends and family who can give you support during this time? Of course, we will be here, but real life people are good to have in a crisis.

[2020inhidsight]

Thank you very much for your words!

 

He can't come back in - it is my condo.

 

He is calling a lot and trying to charm me, but I have decided to go ahead based on the feeling in my gut, not the mental confusion. It seems to be working, thank God!

 

I live outside of my country of birth, no family but a sister back home. She has been helping me realize this situation is not tenable. I am not sharing much with other people as I lost many of my closest friends over these last few years.

 

God bless you and thanks again!!!