alsudduth Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 I really don't know what the right answer is here. If you have read any of my previous posts, you will know that my husband and I have struggled quite a bit to stay afloat for the last 3 years or so. During that time we both had an emotional affair. I've decided to try to recommit to my marriage at this point and have been NC with the other person for about a month. (husband is also no longer in contact with his EA partner) All that aside, my husband has been working really hard to make changes. He literally has done just about everything I have asked of him and then some. So why do I not feel different? Why do I feel like I'm not into it? He's done everything I thought I needed from him to make me happy, finally! Why can't that be good enough for me. I am so sad all the time. I feel like I am missing something else in my life. I am worried that it is too late for us. do I tell him that the changes he's made are exactly what was needed, but that it's too late for us and that he should go and take what he's learned and give it to someone that would be more receptive? Has anyone ever bounced back after a tumultuous period and found their way back in love with their partner? I don't want to waste our time if we can't get it back. Right now, I don't see myself ever feeling about him again the way I think he loves and cares for me and I don't feel like that is fair. What advice do you have for me that I can put into being happy with my marriage again? I know that it will take time with him new changes for me to trust that it's going to last, but I'm so afraid of being disappointed that I fear it is holding me back from healing. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 When involved in a new relationship, your brain experiences chemical changes. Once that relationship ends, it can take months for your brain to return to normal. Relax. Enjoy moments as they come. Give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Sometimes no matter how badly you want a relationship to work, it just doesn't. You can't make yourself feel something for someone by willing it to be so, no matter what they do to comply with your requests. Love is illogical and overpowers the brain. If you aren't feeling it, I highly doubt it's going to come back to you and life is too short to feel sad and unhappy all the time. Unfortunately, I think this marriage has run its course and you should move on and allow him to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Well, I totally agree with the whole 'you're only 1 month out' thing. I'd also add that you don't feel invested unless you invest. And it really sounds like you've got one foot out the door ready to run. I doubt you'll every feel totally connected or truly loved that way. As far as the right answer? It depends on what you want. If you want to leave, then you know what you need to do. If you want the marriage to work, then you've got two big tasks: figure out how to re-commit, and figure out how to build trust. I think that your fear of re-committing could likely be tackled with a real exit strategy, like a postnup. That way, you don't have to have an emotional foot out the cracked door because the door wide open for either of you to go outside any time you want. For me, it helped reduce resentment. It's hard to feel resentment or feel like you have to do something for the other person. But who am I? Just a stranger on the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 All that aside, my husband has been working really hard to make changes. He literally has done just about everything I have asked of him and then some. So why do I not feel different? Why do I feel like I'm not into it? He's done everything I thought I needed from him to make me happy, finally! Why can't that be good enough for me. I am so sad all the time. I feel like I am missing something else in my life. Can't help but wonder if you're suffering paralysis through analysis. Once you burn through the early limerence, love becomes less of a feeling and more of an action. It transitions from a noun to a verb. You act lovingly towards him and allow yourself to be receptive to his reciprocal actions. You focus on what's present rather than what's missing. And you appreciate the happiness that those simple things bring. Love is a choice, not a mood swing. Choose wisely ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zoe5.5 Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 I really don't know what the right answer is here. If you have read any of my previous posts, you will know that my husband and I have struggled quite a bit to stay afloat for the last 3 years or so. During that time we both had an emotional affair. I've decided to try to recommit to my marriage at this point and have been NC with the other person for about a month. (husband is also no longer in contact with his EA partner) All that aside, my husband has been working really hard to make changes. He literally has done just about everything I have asked of him and then some. So why do I not feel different? Why do I feel like I'm not into it? He's done everything I thought I needed from him to make me happy, finally! Why can't that be good enough for me. I am so sad all the time. I feel like I am missing something else in my life. I am worried that it is too late for us. do I tell him that the changes he's made are exactly what was needed, but that it's too late for us and that he should go and take what he's learned and give it to someone that would be more receptive? Has anyone ever bounced back after a tumultuous period and found their way back in love with their partner? I don't want to waste our time if we can't get it back. Right now, I don't see myself ever feeling about him again the way I think he loves and cares for me and I don't feel like that is fair. What advice do you have for me that I can put into being happy with my marriage again? I know that it will take time with him new changes for me to trust that it's going to last, but I'm so afraid of being disappointed that I fear it is holding me back from healing. Hello yes . I know of someone who personally went through a similar issue with his wife . He was on the date sites , stole her debit card to gain access to the sites to chat Multiple chats. Then started getting calls from the bank for suspicious activity and his wife was the one who intercepted the first call from the bank. Now this couple had been married 13 years and no kids. After being confronted by the wife, the young man confessed and begged forgiveness even after the wife rightfully was about to walk out and call it over in the marriage. Because both believe in a higher source and recognized the marriage vows , they each decided to stay in and work on the marriage . to this day that husband has remained faithful unto His wife and the marriage. They each have worked in 7 months from 0% to 75% rebuilt their marriage and now there are some good fruits as a result. They are much closer , and they know the husbands weakness and each day is held accountable. At the same time the husband holds the wife accountable to her weaknesses. Today the Husband and wife have a great new home base church and church family. New friends who love and support and encourage both . The husband is an Ordained Ministry and the wife is in support of her Husband as He counsels many folks Globally in many different parts of the earth . Africa, Pakistan,Philippines, Germany, Russia, America, etc. And He does this both locally in His home town and on social media . In Closing if I may encourage you to seek a trusted friend to confide in at first and then move up to your local pastor if you have or attend a local church. And allow the Pastor to guide you to whom would be of great counseling to you to start and then unto you both. Be Blessed and encouraged .... a friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted May 11, 2016 Author Share Posted May 11, 2016 Can't help but wonder if you're suffering paralysis through analysis. This definitely sounds like something I do. I've never heard of it, so I went and read about it. 100% me. I hate making decisions. I over analyze and ultimately don't make a decision at all, or I just pick something to get over the uncomfortableness of having to decide something. Once you burn through the early limerence, love becomes less of a feeling and more of an action. It transitions from a noun to a verb. You act lovingly towards him and allow yourself to be receptive to his reciprocal actions. You focus on what's present rather than what's missing. And you appreciate the happiness that those simple things bring. Love is a choice, not a mood swing. Choose wisely ... Mr. Lucky Good Advice as usual. thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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