Life Script: I Will Never Be Married

[Wave Rider]

Back in the 60s and 70s, there was a popular school of psychology called Transactional Analysis. It's largely died from mainstream culture, but there are two ideas that came from it that I really like. One is the Karpman drama triangle, the persecutor-victim-rescuer dynamic. The other is the idea of a life script.

 

A life script is a set of unconscious childhood decisions that we made in response to our childhood environment. The script contains life patterns and life outcomes. When we find ourselves making the same mistakes over and over, we are often acting out on a part of our life script. When we are drawn to the same harmful people or the same difficult situation over and over, and we repeatedly engaging in unwanted maladaptive behavior, we are often acting out on a part of our life script. And as adults, when we try to change ourselves, we often find that the life script is difficult to change. And life scripts often contain elements of repetition compulsion.

 

I believe that part of my life script is the decision I made as a child that I would never be married, and perhaps that I would be unpartnered. This was in response to my parents, who were married and were obviously miserable in their marriage. I probably decided as a child that I would not be married because I did not want to end up miserable like my parents.

 

And so when I pursue relationships, I find myself bumping up against this decision, which feels unchangeable. My relationships always fall apart, and usually pretty quickly.

 

Has anyone had any experience with life scripts? Can they be changed, and if so, how so? It's not just a simple matter of making a different decision. That unconscious childhood decision is very powerful, and repetition compulsion are notoriously difficult to treat.

[d0nnivain]

It is a matter of deciding to change. Yes, childhood patterns are deeply ingrained but they are not insurmountable. Since you are aware of them you can make different decisions.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not an expert but I don't really buy life scripts. It's easy to find a sampling of people that have dug their feet in since childhood on a decision like that, but it's just as easy to find many people who've changed their plans completely since that time.

[Wave Rider]

I'm not an expert but I don't really buy life scripts. It's easy to find a sampling of people that have dug their feet in since childhood on a decision like that, but it's just as easy to find many people who've changed their plans completely since that time.

 

I know it seems that I should be able to just make a different decision, but I can't. Just like I should be able to stop being attracted to cold distant women and start being attracted to warm affectionate women, but I can't. I've been trying for years, but I can't break the patterns. I just started seeing my 17th therapist. I can't break these patterns. I keep making the same mistakes over and over. The idea of "repetition compulsion" resonates here. We re-enact past traumas in our lives, hoping that this time the outcome will be different. It almost never is.

 

So now I am considering the possibility of accepting this life script. If I decide to accept the script and accept that I will never be married, it doesn't matter much what I do with my life. I'll finish my PhD, but after that, whether I have a cool job or a lame job won't matter much. Whether I live to an old age or whether I die surfing a 30-foot wave won't matter. I'll have to spend the rest of my life fighting the subtle discrimination against singles, or single-ism, that almost no one talks about. And there's the loneliness, and the hard work I'd have to do to be going out and finding new sexual partners. But if I'm not married, what does it matter?

 

This is a hard thing, and I haven't totally decided on what to do yet. But I consider it to be an option.

[MrDuck]

Nope. That's is in the most respectful way possible BS!! Whatever happens as a kid your life as an adult is in your hands! If you don't like something, change it.

 

 

My mother died. I was "raised" by my dad, he was an Irish traveller, we used to travel round in our caravan when I was very young. By about 7 we we're at a semi-permeant site. He was, and probably still is, a drunk, and certainly not a nice one! He didn't read me bed time stories, he didn't come to watch me play football and he didn't buy me Christmas presents. I ate enough cold baked beans to last a life time He was involved in dodgy stuff, wanna bet growing up I got involved in dodgy stuff too! I wasn't proud of the man I was, I was a bit of a tool, I thought I'd been dealt a hard hand and so the world owed me something - which it didn't! I thought I was something special, I wanted all eyes on me.

 

 

My 'life script' was going only in one direction..

 

 

So I changed it. I turned 16, I bought a one way play ticket and I left. I travelled, found work where I could. I met a girl at an airport, she tossed a coin to find her next destination and I followed her. We went country to country working on volunteer projects, building, conservation, orphanages you name it. It opened my eyes, I don't believe it gave me a compassion that wasn't there before, it just taught me to show it and to use it. To wear my heart on my sleeve, to be who I am, not the man who people expect me to be.

She fell pregnant and though she didn't want to be a mum she had our son and I raised him. From 17 I was a single dad. I did all the night feeds, the early mornings, taught him to read, to swim, & learnt to scrub crayons off of walls. And that baby boy, he taught me more than you can ever imagine, he made me twice the man I ever thought I could be. He makes me laugh, makes me worried sick and makes me more proud than I he'll ever know. And me and him still travelled the globe, I worked on projects sometimes for a month, sometimes for 6, eventually we settled in Africa for a couple of years, I got a job on a game reserve.

 

 

Then we came home when I was 21, made good with my half brothers, got a house, got a job. Made a life.

I met my gf at work, the 10 year old me sure as hell never saw myself settled down, but now, with her, it feels right! She makes me want marriage, a home with a white picket fence, 2.5 babies, and a Labrador!

 

 

Its not meant to be a sob story or some inspirational story.. its neither. Its just my life. To give advice on this seems almost as though I've conquered being a great man, which I haven't! I make mistakes all the time! But I can look the guy in the mirror in the eye and actually be pretty proud, and that's something I couldn't of always done! Bottom line is I'm happy, and the reason is I changed what I needed to change to make myself happy. I took risks to get success, and I got lucky on the way!

Your life script isn't decided in your childhood, anymore than if you wrote off a football match in at half time. It aint over till the final whistle and your script isn't written till you turn the last page!!

 

 

I have a tattoo on my inner arm (that I had done at 15, proving what a stupid kid I was ) it reads "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out". For me I try to live by that (I think I do a better job now than I did back then, I know now you don't necessarily need all eyes on you to be standing out)

I actually have other tattoos on both of my wrists, ones my sons name, he was names after the Bodhi tree. The other says ':20', its after a quote in a film (a **** film, but a great quote), "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it". I completely and honestly believe in that. Sometimes you just need to make the jump and figure out the landing later. Else you'll never change anything.

[d0nnivain]

One of my friends realized her "picker" was off. So she made a point when she saw some guy who made her heart go pitter pat, to talk to his friend. Her & the friend have been married for 12 years now.

 

When you see yourself repeating the pattern with cold women, break it off earlier.

[xxoo]

 

So now I am considering the possibility of accepting this life script. If I decide to accept the script and accept that I will never be married, it doesn't matter much what I do with my life. I'll finish my PhD, but after that, whether I have a cool job or a lame job won't matter much. Whether I live to an old age or whether I die surfing a 30-foot wave won't matter. I'll have to spend the rest of my life fighting the subtle discrimination against singles, or single-ism, that almost no one talks about. And there's the loneliness, and the hard work I'd have to do to be going out and finding new sexual partners. But if I'm not married, what does it matter?

 

Do you feel that you're a "glass half empty" sort of guy?

 

What about: if I never marry, I'm free to pursue career to its fullest, travel the world, experience new relationships throughout my life, and have a positive impact in my community with the time I am not spending raising kids!

 

Every door we walk through represents infinite other doors not chosen. Choosing to marry means not choosing many other wonderful doors. Live your life with purpose, whatever doors you choose.

[Buddhist]

I believe that part of my life script is the decision I made as a child that I would never be married, and perhaps that I would be unpartnered. This was in response to my parents, who were married and were obviously miserable in their marriage. I probably decided as a child that I would not be married because I did not want to end up miserable like my parents.

 

And so when I pursue relationships, I find myself bumping up against this decision, which feels unchangeable. My relationships always fall apart, and usually pretty quickly.

 

Has anyone had any experience with life scripts? Can they be changed, and if so, how so? It's not just a simple matter of making a different decision. That unconscious childhood decision is very powerful, and repetition compulsion are notoriously difficult to treat.

 

Well at least you've hit the nail with this little gem. Yes it is your life script and yes you probably wrote it at around age 4-8. Well since you brought it up, this guy, actually found a way to change it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kg7IlFDdDYA

[Wave Rider]

...with the time I am not spending raising kids!

 

This is one benefit of not being married. I've been leaning more towards not wanting children, because I wouldn't wish my life on a child. Try as they might to be excellent parents, most parents still unconsciously pass on their problems to their children, just as their own parents had passed on their problems to them. By the standards of most SJWs, I'm pretty privileged. But I wouldn't want a child to go through seeing 17 therapists and still not have a good answer about why he's struggling with life, which is what I've done.

 

I understand the whole optimism thing, and to this point I've been a pretty relentless in my efforts to solve my personal problems. I've been to many therapists, as I've said, and I've read lots of self-help books and made great efforts to change. I am ready to give up the struggle. Consciously, I would like to find a life partner. But there is a some part of my psyche that strongly opposes having a partner, and that part of me always manages to sabotage my best-laid plans to find one. I don't know what it is, and I don't know that anyone does.

 

I am 37 and I've spent the last 15 years doing everything I can to find a partner. I've had 7 girlfriends and have been on a few hundred dates. If the Imago therapy doesn't work, I will probably be ready to give up and say that I don't know why finding a partner isn't working for me, and I will be ready to give up the suffering that comes with continuing to struggle with it.

 

If I did that, I'd just try pursuing casual sex, and probably occupy my time with surfing and other hobbies. I used to be way into "making the world a better place," but it just seems pointless when I come home to an empty apartment at night. I don't see much purpose in helping people who are actually better off than me, and I consider other people to be better off than me if they have a satisfying life partnership and I don't, regardless of their social or economic circumstances.

 

So yeah, I get the whole motivational speech "you can accomplish anything you set your mind to" thing. But I may have to accept this limitation, though I can't really say why it's there. I don't know where you all live, but here in 'murica, marriage and children is a status symbol, and no matter what a man might accomplish professionally, an unmarried man will never have the same social status as even a less successful man who is married with children. Plus as a single man, I'm the target of a whole bunch of nasty labels from the social justice police.

 

I know the whole thing about being able to be anything I want to be if I work hard. But this singleness may be a limitation I have to accept. Yeah, I sound like the goth kids on South Park ("Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me?") It isn't a matter of just making a different decision. It's some deep psychological problem that I've been trying to fix for a long time and can't. I was posting in hopes of further suggestions on this, but maybe there aren't any ways to solve it.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Wave Rider

[MrDuck]

seeing 17 therapists and still not have a good answer about why he's struggling with life, which is what I've done.

So change something! You have blinkers on and are super focused on a path that isn't working for you. Your doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, and getting stuck in a rut because your not getting it!

It's rock climbing.. you can climb all day, make tons of progress and then hit this unclimbable bit of rock, and you could spend the rest of your life climbing up a metre and slipping back down the same amount until your exhausted or depressed. Or you put it behind you, you climb back down, you pick a new route and you start again.

 

Pick a different route dude, change something. New job, new place, new people, new purpose, just change something.

 

But there is a some part of my psyche that strongly opposes having a partner, and that part of me always manages to sabotage my best-laid plans to find one

So stop trying to make long plans and focus on the short term, your next day, your next hour. Make it everything you want it to be and let the long term look after itself.

 

Probably occupy my time with surfing and other hobbies.

Do this! You lose absolutely nothing! Your not going to be less likely to find a girlfriend because your busy getting on with your life! MORE likely if anything!

I used to be way into "making the world a better place," but it just seems pointless when I come home to an empty apartment at night.

So change this..

Fill your evenings, volunteer, take a class, coach kids, go surf! Or Get a roommate, foster a dog, or hell foster a kid!

 

I don't know where you all live, but here in 'murica, marriage and children is a status symbol, and no matter what a man might accomplish professionally, an unmarried man will never have the same social status as even a less successful man who is married with children.

So change this..

Pack up a go, relocate to a new place, or go travelling, its a big wide world and there's so much more too it than some corner where people make you feel bad because you don't conform to their ideas of society!

 

Your beating yourself up all the time because your relying on other people (a girl) to boost your self esteem. Your judging yourself purely on what others think of you! Do something that makes YOU proud of YOU, regardless of what others think. Run a marathon, sail round Europe, cycle to the other side of the country, teach kids in Vietnam, bottle feed rhinos in South Africa, go live your life and write the stories that you'd tell your kids and let everything else sort itself out.

 

I decided I didn't like the way my life was going, but would I of had the strength to change the slope I was on if I'd stayed in that same environment. That same leaky caravan surrounded by the same people. I was on a road to know where, and I'd of slipped back in. I could never of broken out of that cycle if I didn't make a physical change as well as a mental one.

I'm not saying you should pack up and travel the world because its not for everyone, that's my personal love. But change something physical, evening if its moving to a different town or signing up for some activity every night of the week, something to physically break you out of your rut.

I'm obviously bias but I do think travels a great one because it throws you completely into a different environment and culture, and because you meet such different people along the way.

[xxoo]

It's not that you are too pessimistic about getting married.

 

It's that you are too pessimistic about life unmarried. Life can be full of accomplishment, connection, and joy whether married or unmarried. Marriage doesn't solve personal problems. If you can not fill your life and find meaning when unmarried, marriage isn't the magic answer.

[dichotomy]

Yes it can be hard, very hard, to change certain things about yourself, your upbringing/early formations, and just how you are wired internally.

 

About 8 years ago I set on a journey to challenge my ways of feelings, thinking, and beliefs on a number of things. Its been a difficult and at times uncomfortable journey and after 8 years I can say I am different but not in a way that I eliminated the old stiff, more like added different dimensions or abilities or layers.

 

The me that I was... now has a closet full of expanded and different outfits that I can feel okay wearing now and then. Extra layers and dimensions depending on the weather and my mood - If that makes any sense.

[Wave Rider]

I met with my therapist yesterday, which was our second meeting. I feel like this therapist has been, and will be, more helpful than my last few. He really seems to "get it" in terms of why people act so strangely in relationships, at least within the worldview that I'm working with. He said that what I need to do now is work on being more independent, and become comfortable with the idea that I can live a reasonably happy life single. And living a single life is definitely better than living life in a bad relationship, as my parents have.

 

So maybe there's a belief change that's order here. I've always had the belief that the only way to have a happy and meaningful life is to be married. Maybe part of that comes from my Mormon upbringing, which focuses on marriage as the expected way of life and where unmarried people are essentially second-class citizens. Pursuing a single life of freedom and adventure is just not an acceptable lifestyle in Mormonism. I guess it's a good thing I'm not a practicing Mormon anymore. Other parts of that belief came from my own response to my childhood and adolescent environment.

 

There's still that part of me that strongly doesn't want to get married, which is in opposition to the part that does. Perhaps I can learn something from that part of me that doesn't want marriage.

 

Being single isn't a bad life. I can come and go as I please. I can go surfing whenever I want, and the there aren't the hassles of children and perhaps a dissatisfied spouse to deal with. I'd certainly have more discretionary time and discretionary money. I could hang out with friends and do interesting things.

 

I like this idea that we're not so much looking for purpose in life, as much as we are wanting to feel alive. Seeking purpose in life only happens when we aren't feeling fully alive. I guess there are ways to feel fully alive without being married. I'll have to work with this a little more.

[xxoo]

Sounds like a positive change in attitude. There are a lot of great things about being single, just as there are a lot of great things about being married. None of us gets to have it all. It's about appreciating what you have.

[NTV]

I was just telling someone else on here about adding a little bit about happiness in their journal. my laziness co-efficient is about 6.3, so, I'm gonna copy and paste my words over here too, because I think they're relevant:

 

 

So... here's a tip from a long time journalist: write about at least one thing that made you happy a day, and at the end of the week look at them all. You learn all sorts of things about yourself and happiness that benefit you for years to come....

for example if I eat at my fav restaurant 1-2 times a week, it's freaking awesome. More than that, and it sucks the joy out of it. That's a pretty darn good thing to know, right? Not saying that this is the best example, but it's the one I'm willing to share... some things are personal.

 

 

Anyway, I wanted to tell you three things:

First, you don't have to get married. Anyone who tell you otherwise has an agenda.

Second, marriage doesn't make people happy. True happiness comes from within. Think about it. Prison sucks. (I'd imagine.) But there's folks there that are happy. How is that possible? Because they chose to be happy.

Third, I recommend you journal if you don't already. A lot of the latent internal conflicts with your upbringing sound like they're being carried with you like baggage. The goal becomes turning baggage into a trial you've overcome. Journaling will help, at the very least, show you where you are in that journey.

 

 

'Course, I'm just a stranger on the internet, so feel free to run all this through your IC, your friends, coworkers, strangers on the street, zoo employees, whomever. Could be I'm spinning yarn, could be I'm spinning gold.

[Wave Rider]

I actually have given up on happiness as an ideology, meaning that I no longer believe that the purpose of life is to feel happy. Happiness and satisfaction are temporary and fleeting emotions, and spending life chasing after them is sure-fire way to end up feeling miserable.

 

MrDuck, those were some good ideas. I don't have the kind of wanderlust that others seem to have. I don't have a driving need to travel the world. I'd rather develop some skill or work on something that I think is useful. Although a problem with getting on with my life is that most of my hobbies and interests are virtually all-male, so it's not too likely that I'd meet women in them. Probably 90% of surfers are men and 90% of physicists are men, so staying within my interests probably isn't a great way to meet lots of women. I agree that something needs to change, and I'm ready to change it and leave the old life behind.

 

At least I think it's time to stop feeling miserable about being single. It's better than being in a bad relationship, to say the least.

[NTV]

Dude i dont think happiness and satisfaction aren't fleeting so much as byproducts of acceptance in a larger sense of the word. If you accept where you are, who you are etc., then... Course I'm not the best example for acceptence.

[MrDuck]

I don't have the kind of wanderlust that others seem to have. I don't have a driving need to travel the world.

Right, that's personal. Travel is my drug, not everyone, but you should try and find yours. Don't wait for someone else to make you happy cause it wont work.

I'd rather develop some skill or work on something that I think is useful.

Sounds good dude!

Although a problem with getting on with my life is that most of my hobbies and interests are virtually all-male, so it's not too likely that I'd meet women in them. Probably 90% of surfers are men and 90% of physicists are men, so staying within my interests probably isn't a great way to meet lots of women.

I really wouldn't worry about that.. they have sisters & friends, and girlfriends who have sisters & friends, don't they? I wouldn't worry about seeking girls out. Way I've found it is if you're a busy guy and have a lot of guy friends, you wont find yourself short of female acquaintances.

[No_Go]

I believe that part of my life script is the decision I made as a child that I would never be married, and perhaps that I would be unpartnered. I can relate to this 100%. In my case I was actually TOLD that my entire childhood. I'll hear the following: you'd have a great success in school, become famous professional, OR find a husband and be trapped as his slave. I'm dead serious - up to date, at 31, the idea of being trapped by a husband gives me chills. I have never even dreamed of going on a real date till 27. Now at 31 I have a BF of >1 year, but I'd deadly scared of admitting about this to my family - the image partnered = failure is still there.

The stupid part is I don't know how to communicate this with my BF without appearing crazy or commitment - phobish...

 

 

Back in the 60s and 70s, there was a popular school of psychology called Transactional Analysis. It's largely died from mainstream culture, but there are two ideas that came from it that I really like. One is the Karpman drama triangle, the persecutor-victim-rescuer dynamic. The other is the idea of a life script.

 

A life script is a set of unconscious childhood decisions that we made in response to our childhood environment. The script contains life patterns and life outcomes. When we find ourselves making the same mistakes over and over, we are often acting out on a part of our life script. When we are drawn to the same harmful people or the same difficult situation over and over, and we repeatedly engaging in unwanted maladaptive behavior, we are often acting out on a part of our life script. And as adults, when we try to change ourselves, we often find that the life script is difficult to change. And life scripts often contain elements of repetition compulsion.

 

I believe that part of my life script is the decision I made as a child that I would never be married, and perhaps that I would be unpartnered. This was in response to my parents, who were married and were obviously miserable in their marriage. I probably decided as a child that I would not be married because I did not want to end up miserable like my parents.

 

And so when I pursue relationships, I find myself bumping up against this decision, which feels unchangeable. My relationships always fall apart, and usually pretty quickly.

 

Has anyone had any experience with life scripts? Can they be changed, and if so, how so? It's not just a simple matter of making a different decision. That unconscious childhood decision is very powerful, and repetition compulsion are notoriously difficult to treat.

[Wave Rider]

I believe that part of my life script is the decision I made as a child that I would never be married, and perhaps that I would be unpartnered. I can relate to this 100%. In my case I was actually TOLD that my entire childhood. I'll hear the following: you'd have a great success in school, become famous professional, OR find a husband and be trapped as his slave. I'm dead serious - up to date, at 31, the idea of being trapped by a husband gives me chills. I have never even dreamed of going on a real date till 27. Now at 31 I have a BF of >1 year, but I'd deadly scared of admitting about this to my family - the image partnered = failure is still there.

The stupid part is I don't know how to communicate this with my BF without appearing crazy or commitment - phobish...

 

For me, the message from my parents was more implicit. It was more like, "Don't ever get married because you'll just be miserable." They never said that explicitly, but it was clear from each of their dispositions that they regretted getting married. My mom would say that she got married too young, but I think what she really meant was that she wished she had married someone else. She once told me that she wished she'd never gotten married and she wished she'd never had children. I recall my parents having a conversation, when I was 8 years old, that if one of them died, the other could remarry. About a year go, they were visiting me and they had the identical conversation, saying that if one of them died, the other could remarry. Basically they were saying that they would rather be dead than be in this marriage. Again when I was 8, my mom said to my dad on one occasion, "If we get divorced, I'm taking the kids and moving to Colorado." Yes, they had those conversations in front of me. Yes, it affected me.

 

So maybe I've unconsciously stayed away from marriage as a matter of self-preservation. If marriage is really that miserable, and divorce is not an option, why would I want to get married? I guess I unconsciously internalized that belief.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Wave Rider]

 

Sounds good dude!

....

 

I really wouldn't worry about that.. they have sisters & friends, and girlfriends who have sisters & friends, don't they? I wouldn't worry about seeking girls out. Way I've found it is if you're a busy guy and have a lot of guy friends, you wont find yourself short of female acquaintances.

 

Sort of. Becoming a surfing hasn't turned me into the chick magnet that I thought it would. I surf because I enjoy it and because it's good exercise, but women are less impressed by it than I thought they would be. I have offered to take some of them surfing, but they usually don't get too excited about it.

 

But that wasn't your point. Your point was that meeting men might lead to meeting women. Maybe, but are there hobbies that would lead to meeting women? Dance is about the only thing I can think of, like swing dance or ballroom dance. I do like to dance, but it's not my favorite hobby.

[NTV]

As far as places to meet women, I think you should check the meet-up app for groups that interest you. There should be women at a lot of these... with the added bonuses of not having the pressure of being on a date and having some common interest to start with, I think you'll find it pretty interesting.

 

 

Ever thought about writing a book? Try the meetup for that. Gardening? Skating? Etc. Etc.

[Miss Clavel]

...."gracefully surrender the things of youth"

 

 

 

i never wanted to get married. i said so as young as 12. i never wanted children. i made other decisions when i was younger and lot of them were off the script or downright outlandish.

 

i decided the moon followed me, i decided that there were people inside the television and the radio, i decided that there were people inside my stomach, tiny men with large spoons that distributed the food to the place it was needed, as in, carrots to my eyes, meat to my bones and the one that distributed candy to my heart never got any rest. i was certain that if i pressed on any small cut or bruise on my body it would hurt more but it would heal faster.

 

see where i'm going? how you felt as a child and what you thought about your life and where you were going are not facts.

 

i changed. i changed when i was ready. i met a man. i wanted him. later i wanted a family. i took a leap of faith that i could do better then my parents did because i had more than they did when they started.

 

you sound like you're in a lot of pain. and you've got a lot of fear. fear of ending up alone, however, is not enough of a reason to "flip the script". if you want to change, you will.

 

maybe practice being open. that's all. because it sounds like you're trying to open a firmly closed door with rusty hinges. it will open. if you commit to letting go of a youthful decision you subconsciously made before you had all the facts.

 

 

 

good luck