Finding Compatible Women

[Shining One]

I just had lunch with a friend of mine who recently moved back to town. He divorced just over a year ago and is ready to start dating. He asked me for advice on meeting women who aren't cheap/entitled. I told him that my method is basically "trial and error". He said there has to be a better way, but I can't think of one. Thus, I'm posing the question here.

 

Is there any advice on finding these women other than trial and error? He's setting up a profile on Match to augment his search. Is there anything he can add to his profile or that he should look for in women's profiles? I told him to avoid women who label themselves as traditional.

[losangelena]

I just had lunch with a friend of mine who recently moved back to town. He divorced just over a year ago and is ready to start dating. He asked me for advice on meeting women who aren't cheap/entitled. I told him that my method is basically "trial and error". He said there has to be a better way, but I can't think of one. Thus, I'm posing the question here.

 

Is there any advice on finding these women other than trial and error? He's setting up a profile on Match to augment his search. Is there anything he can add to his profile or that he should look for in women's profiles? I told him to avoid women who label themselves as traditional.

 

OK, I'll bite.

 

First off, where is "cheap and entitled" coming from? Are these the kinds of women your friend has been meeting, or are these the kinds of women your friend is afraid of meeting? What constitutes a "cheap and entitled" woman? Those sound like opposing problems. Why is your friend assuming that those are the kinds of women he's going to meet?

 

Isn't all dating trial and error? Unfortunately there's no "cheap and entitled" box to check off on a profile. Every time anyone decides to go on a date, they run the risk of having picked poorly. No one escapes that reality. Maybe instead of trying to avoid entire swaths of women, your friend should just concentrate on approaching women who seem pleasant and attractive to him, and just see what happens.

[Shining One]

First off, where is "cheap and entitled" coming from? Are these the kinds of women your friend has been meeting, or are these the kinds of women your friend is afraid of meeting?

He's just starting dating again after his divorce. His wife was traditional when it comes to finances.

What constitutes a "cheap and entitled" woman? Those sound like opposing problems.

Those are my words. His words were a bit more "crass". He wants to meet women who contribute financially to the relationship and don't feel entitled to his money. He knows I'm dating a woman who falls into that category, hence why he asked me for suggestions.

Why is your friend assuming that those are the kinds of women he's going to meet?

I don't think he's assuming this. He's looking for ways to optimize his search.

Isn't all dating trial and error? Unfortunately there's no "cheap and entitled" box to check off on a profile. Every time anyone decides to go on a date, they run the risk of having picked poorly. No one escapes that reality. Maybe instead of trying to avoid entire swaths of women, your friend should just concentrate on approaching women who seem pleasant and attractive to him, and just see what happens.

These were my thoughts as well and this is what I do when I'm searching. Meet women, date them, and then move on from those who don't have what I'm looking for.

[jen1447]

It really is just trial and error no matter how you try to dress up the little details or how gurus might want to describe/obfuscate it so they can sell books. About the only advice I'd offer to your friend is don't be a 'scientific dater' - forget the profile analysis and loss prevention and risk mitigation and just do 'feels.' That's what romance is anyway, even for analysts. Even if they wish it was a spreadsheet instead.

[losangelena]

He's just starting dating again after his divorce. His wife was traditional when it comes to finances.Those are my words. His words were a bit more "crass". He wants to meet women who contribute financially to the relationship and don't feel entitled to his money. He knows I'm dating a woman who falls into that category, hence why he asked me for suggestions.I don't think he's assuming this. He's looking for ways to optimize his search.These were my thoughts as well and this is what I do when I'm searching. Meet women, date them, and then move on from those who don't have what I'm looking for.

 

 

Yeah, I don't think he's going to be able to "pre-screen," as it were. I would say he should stay away from women who seem obviously materialistic. How long was his marriage? When's the last time he dated?

 

If he still has this attitude though, using crass terms and sort of assuming the worst, I would say maybe he's not ready to start dating again.

[Shining One]

How long was his marriage?

3 years.

When's the last time he dated?

Not counting his ex-wife, I'd guess around 5 years ago. That would make him 26/27 at that time.

[SwordofFlame]

Date women that have good paying careers? That's one way to screen out those "cheap and entitled" women.

[Shining One]

Date women that have good paying careers? That's one way to screen out those "cheap and entitled" women.

That's not true. My current girlfriend makes about a third of what I make and pulls her weight. I've dated women who make twice as much as me and still expect to be treated. Income has little bearing on this. It's all about the mindset.

[central]

Finding a compatible woman (or vice versa) is a matter of trial and error, BUT you can significantly skew your results in your favor. Just like avoiding smokers or religious fundamentalists based on what and how they write a profile or select those checkboxes, most positive and negative traits can be quickly discovered through a few emails, phone conversations, chats, and - finally - by meeting in person.

 

 

How you write your own profile greatly influences who will respond or even initiate contact. In my dating days, I mostly wanted non-religious, abstract thinking, and adventurous women with healthy habits. I had no trouble finding and attracting such via OLD, screening via a few conversations, and confirming (or not) while seeing if there was chemistry when finally meeting in person.

 

 

The better you know yourself and what you want (as long as what you think you want is what will actually work for you), the more focused you can be.

[losangelena]

That's not true. My current girlfriend makes about a third of what I make and pulls her weight. I've dated women who make twice as much as me and still expect to be treated. Income has little bearing on this. It's all about the mindset.

 

I was just about to say this same thing. My ex probably made a half or 2/3rds more than what I made but I never acted entitled about anything.

 

I've met some very stingy rich people.

[d0nnivain]

It's understandable that he would not want to be raked over the coals again financially. That said, it's crass to talk about money with a stranger so it's not like he's going to be able to weed out all but the obvious gold diggers from the outset.

 

A poster here on LS who goes by the name of FitnessFan, advocates not spending more then $10 total on a 1st meet / date. I'd suggest you to go to $20 but then again I drink expensive wine, lol. My point is, if the potential date balks at a low cost meeting for that 1st time, that should be a red flag for your buddy.

 

Since he is seemingly looking for a woman who can support herself, I suggest he apply to become a volunteer member of a Board of Trustees for some charity or political organization that does something he cares about. People who can't support themselves do not spend their precious limited free time trying to raise money for others. People who have a knack for fundraising & who serve on these boards while being philanthropic also tend to run in circles where everyone has discretionary income.

[Shining One]

How you write your own profile greatly influences who will respond or even initiate contact.

Do you have any suggestions on what he can add to his profile? I'd be very wary on voicing this in a profile since it can turn off women, even if they are the type he's looking for.

A poster here on LS who goes by the name of FitnessFan, advocates not spending more then $10 total on a 1st meet / date. I'd suggest you to go to $20 but then again I drink expensive wine, lol. My point is, if the potential date balks at a low cost meeting for that 1st time, that should be a red flag for your buddy.

I do something similar. I aim for a $50 first meeting... which is enough for a couple drinks each and an appetizer. I advised him to stick to cheaper places for the first few meetings until he's certain he wants to proceed.

[MidwestUSA]

I have to be honest here. While your friend is entitled to look for whatever qualities he deems worthy in a woman, he should realize some are going to look askance at his three year marriage.

 

While I don't know his circumstances, at first glance, it looks like a lack of dedication, perseverance, and problem solving abilities. Just a side note.

[Shining One]

I have to be honest here. While your friend is entitled to look for whatever qualities he deems worthy in a woman, he should realize some are going to look askance at his three year marriage.

 

While I don't know his circumstances, at first glance, it looks like a lack of dedication, perseverance, and problem solving abilities. Just a side note.

If you don't mind my asking, how are you coming to that conclusion when I've posted nothing whatsoever about the reasons for his divorce?

[todreaminblue]

I just had lunch with a friend of mine who recently moved back to town. He divorced just over a year ago and is ready to start dating. He asked me for advice on meeting women who aren't cheap/entitled. I told him that my method is basically "trial and error". He said there has to be a better way, but I can't think of one. Thus, I'm posing the question here.

 

Is there any advice on finding these women other than trial and error? He's setting up a profile on Match to augment his search. Is there anything he can add to his profile or that he should look for in women's profiles? I told him to avoid women who label themselves as traditional.

 

 

WOW ......cheap entitled and a no go on traditional......maybe before he sets up a profile he could work on interpersonal skills...maybe groups he is interested in ...hobbies and such..to work on communication adn acceptance......and bring more to the table himself before demanding what he wants off the table........it will bode well for him when he eventually dates,.....if he accepts people for who they are not what he wants them to be...they may just accept him.......if he finds dates he doesnt get along with then he doesnt have to date them.....it may widen his pool a bit...to pad up a profile on who he is ...rather than what he dosesnt want in a date......deb

[MidwestUSA]

If you don't mind my asking, how are you coming to that conclusion when I've posted nothing whatsoever about the reasons for his divorce?

 

The duration. That's barely enough time to tie the knot, have one major disagreement, and work it out.

 

Yes, there may be a very valid reason, hence my 'first glance'. It would be one of my first questions to him.

[Shining One]

WOW ......cheap entitled and a no go on traditional......maybe before he sets up a profile he could work on interpersonal skills...maybe groups he is interested in ...hobbies and such..to work on communication adn acceptance......and bring more to the table himself before demanding what he wants off the table........it will bode well for him when he eventually dates,.....if he accepts people for who they are not what he wants them to be...they may just accept him.......if he finds dates he doesnt get along with then he doesnt have to date them.....it may widen his pool a bit...to pad up a profile on who he is ...rather than what he dosesnt want in a date......deb

It has been my (admittedly limited) experience that women on OLD who advertise themselves as traditional fall into the cheap/entitled category. That's why I advised him to avoid those profiles.

The duration. That's barely enough time to tie the knot, have one major disagreement, and work it out.

 

Yes, there may be a very valid reason, hence my 'first glance'. It would be one of my first questions to him.

Fair enough. He'll be able to give a good answer when it comes up.

[basil67]

It has been my (admittedly limited) experience that women on OLD who advertise themselves as traditional fall into the cheap/entitled category. That's why I advised him to avoid those profiles.Fair enough. He'll be able to give a good answer when it comes up.

 

Good point. I can think of a female poster who describes herself as traditional and expects to be paid and supported by a man.

 

If your friend wants a woman who will pull her weight financially, he should look for one who appreciates equality of the sexes.

[MidwestUSA]

Fair enough. He'll be able to give a good answer when it comes up.

 

Yea, my H had been married twice. Of course I wondered. He said his first 'hardly counted'. I'm like 'WTF does that mean?'

 

He married his high school sweetheart at 18, and with the economy as it was at the time, they both joined the Army right after. They went off to their respective boot camps, and she got a wee taste of other men. A bunch of them!

[carhill]

I just had lunch with a friend of mine who recently moved back to town. He divorced just over a year ago and is ready to start dating. He asked me for advice on meeting women who aren't cheap/entitled. I told him that my method is basically "trial and error". He said there has to be a better way, but I can't think of one. Thus, I'm posing the question here.

I'd ask him what he learned from his marriage and divorce.

 

Is there any advice on finding these women other than trial and error? He's setting up a profile on Match to augment his search. Is there anything he can add to his profile or that he should look for in women's profiles? I told him to avoid women who label themselves as traditional.

 

My advice to him would be to develop a rich and compatible social circle with many friendships and a few close friendships with like-minded males who have successful marriages. They tend to have healthy wives who have wide circles of friends and acquaintances and a rich social calendar.

 

I mention this since I just heard a few moments ago from my best friend's wife inviting me to a large dinner party where both known and unknown folks will be there. Opportunities. I'm not looking for any social contacts like dating but still enjoy socializing and meeting new people and that's a great way to do it, as one example.

[hasaquestion]

Does this person's alma mater hold networking and alumni events? I think that would be a good filter to try. Restricts you to people who are from a similar background and at the very least gainfully employed.

[PrettyEmily77]

What are your friend's other criteria for compatibility apart from financial equality?

 

I ask that because I'd probably be classed as a 'modern woman' in that I've looked after myself my whole adult life. SO is more of a provider/protector type and if he had his way, I wouldn't be contributing much at all -this has created a bit of friction and some compromises both ways but not enough to forget all the other compatible points we have, and nothing that a lot of communication can't help.

Edited May 12, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[guitardude31]

Well considering women, on aggregate, tend to have the advantage in the realms of dating, courtship, and related areas, it's basically damn near impossible, and often the few you may run into are often taken, and for good reason.

 

Generally most men have to sort of accept what they can find as they tend to have to do most of the searching and proving of themselves (women are the gatekeepers choosers etc). I would say it's more of an issue of unrealistic expectations than entitlement, according to the data we have on the genders.