When your wife asks for time to think, what happens when you give it?

[gemini6]

First thing... I am petrified the talk is to dump me... however, I have been doing so much with the power of positive thinking, that I don't want to go there.

 

Second thing... AND THIS IS A SHOCKER..... I dont think if she wants me back, that I am ready... I need to fix my head fully...

 

and this is why NC and the 180 are the best, most helpful and healthiest things we can do for ourselves in times of emotional hell. We need clarity, we need to breathe and look at the sitch through cloudless eyes, and controlled emotions. I said before that you are doing so good and you are, I'm not shocked at all that you may not be ready to have her back just yet - when you start focusing on yourself, taking better care of yourself, controlling your emotions instead of letting them control you, and stop letting fear rule your head...it's AMAZING what you can be. A bright spot - a fantastic aww inspiring bright spot AND you start realizing that maybe you will be better off or that maybe the R is not what is right for YOU, that you want something else, that YOU want a healthier, happier life either with or without her - because it's possible. Maybe she will love the new you, maybe she won't - if she is going to "dump you" well...ok then, that's still ok. You will still be better then you were - no matter what life brings you. Could be the best thing to ever happen to you..who knows?

I let my H go..because I loved him - because I wanted him to be happy, even if that meant him leaving me behind and running off with someone else - that's what love is, that's what love is supposed to look like - he didn't run far lol. BUT that is the only way I could have him back in my life - to know 100% that it's because he WANTED to be here. of course I made him jump through hoops of fire in order to get back in the door but..hey, what can I say..LOL.

Edited May 18, 2016 by gemini6

[DanlT]

This morning at 0830 she sent me a photo of her Student of the Year trophy.

I replied "I am sooooo proud of you"

She replied back "Thanks"

 

I left it at that.

 

I didn't get to sleep at all last night. All that I have been working for in the past three weeks, to make something good of all of this....

Yesterday before the Text, I had a breakthrough, and was truly on the way to letting go.

 

Then the demons of hope set in last night and I tossed and turned thinking, thinking, thinking.

 

Today I am trying to figure out how to get back on my path. I was tempted this morning to text her and say "How bout some Sushi tonight", but I think the subconscious training I have been taking may be kicking in.

 

This whole life/love thing is soo freeking complicated.

[DanlT]

and this is why NC and the 180 are the best, .

 

Gemini6, I know NC means no contact. Teach me... what does 180 mean?

[Conclude]

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

 

Use it as a guideline. It's meant for infidelity, but it is useful in letting go.

[DanlT]

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

But my will gets weak

And my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

~ Don Henley

[preraph]

You need to quit saying "me, me, me" to her and chill and leave her completely alone until she contacts you. She is overwhelmed. She can't deal with your insecurities right now, period. If you keep this up, you will regret it.

 

Stop contacting her. Let her process all this bad crap that has happened to her and get her duties done in peace. I don't think she is going to just jump ship until she is ready and able to sit down and talk about it, but if you act like a selfish child and keep making it all about you, that's not helping your case.

[DanlT]

Hmmmmm. Maybe you should read all the posts prior to yours... There is no ME ME ME....

[DanlT]

I have thought hard all evening last night, and all this morning and afternoon.

I have NOT bothered her at all since last Thursday. She has texted me twice since last Thursday. I have replied briefly and kindly.

 

The ME ME ME....? Yea, I was wrong. IT IS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME... but not in the way the last poster thinks. It is about me trying to find myself. Not hurting any more, not hurting anyone else.

 

It can't be about HER HER HER, because she chooses to have me separated from her life.

 

I admit the two texts messed me up. They gave me false hope, I fought it, but that is what they did. Now I am back to severe anxiety and dispair for which the pain is greater that the first few days of this entire thing.

 

I am so tired. So very tired. My letting go, my learning was set back.

How much pain can we endure?

[luck1978]

You are still in the shock phase, which is why you are struggling to sleep. Soon this will pass only if you focus on yourself. Not thinking of her will be impossible, but you can get through this stage by doing simple things, like writing a list of literally everything you are going to do throughout the day, try, as hard it is, to minimise dwelling. Keep up with the the self improvement but not for her but for you only. Focus on your sleep pattern and getting it back to normal. Once you get through this initial shock - you will better able to process the emotions. Don't try to process too much now though just take it day by day and keep telling yourself you will be ok soon.

[DanlT]

I appreciate positive comments, and will do what you say. Your advice is sound and correct.

It is difficult, especially today. I was driving around town this morning to get my mind focused on something. And there she was in the oncoming lane. (She lives over 50 miles away).

That hurt. But as much as I wanted to text her and say something, I resisted.

I don't know if she saw me, I think she did. I saw her.

 

I somehow feel like Wednesday I found a day of Peace and letting Go, I was in what I thought was a "Higher Consciousness" I was smiling, and people smiled around me.

 

Then the texts from her, and seeing her... It is a HUGE Test.

BTW, I am a perfectionist. When I set out to do something, I usually do it to the best of my ability... (She is the same).

 

I pray that I can get past this test and can continue with my spiritual enlightenment.

[gemini6]

I am so tired. So very tired. My letting go, my learning was set back.

How much pain can we endure?

ALOT!!

I mean a TON!! I know, because I've been through a hell of a lot - I would tell you about it all - you'd feel so much better about your sitch, after that!! LOL..BUT really, it's just heartache and laughs - which is what life usually is, if you really think about it - it's ups and downs, happiness and sadness, it's just the curves in the road. We all do the best we can.

 

Positive thoughts - because thoughts are things -

If you find yourself in a dark place - write it out, get it out, walk it out, shake it out, kick box it out (I LOVE my punching bag and a good sweat when I'm feeling down or angry)...you have to keep moving. Movement is the enemy of depression. Maybe because exercise (moving your a$$) releases dopamine (the feel good chemical in your brain). Start a project, paint the living room or tile the bathroom. Start a new hobby like kayaking or hiking. Get a hair cut or change your beard, buy some new clothes and some new smell good stuff, take a cooking/art class or join a gym, go out of town on a road trip to a fun place a few hours away with some friends. go to the beach or go golfing..the 180 is all about doing things for yourself, and finding things you like to do. It also makes you see that there is more to life then just the small world you are focused on. You will be OK and trust me, we can endure ALOT!!! You will look back someday and say..DANG! I've been through some CRAP!!

[DanlT]

You are a real gem... Gemini...

[gemini6]

Thank you !!!

 

 

You are a real gem... Gemini...

Awww shucks! Thanks.

I'm going to tell you one more thing. A poster on here YEARS ago said something to me that really put things in perspective so, maybe this will help.

 

When I was in shock and confusion and utter pain I thought about my poor old dog. See, we had to have our 13 year old dog put down the year before, our sweet old boy who loved me, followed me around, was soooo happy when I walked in the door (even if I just went to the mailbox)My dancing partner in the kitchen we got him when he was about 8 weeks old, so he was almost as old as our marriage really. Anyway, I thought about the heartache of losing him - oh my that was so painful! BUT look...if I can get through losing my DOG, a dog that never wronged me, never did anything but love me, and was loyal to the core..I could get through this! I could get through losing my H. I've been through worse! The dog never lied, never betrayed me, never ran away..lol, I could damn sure get through my H running off!

 

After that realization - I tuned a corner. I'm a much better person now - not that I was a bad person then, it's just curves in the road.

Edited May 20, 2016 by gemini6

[Conclude]

Dealing with the pain, I like to look at it as dealing with physical pain. When you are in a long distance run, the first time you ever do it, you are heavily inclined to stop when it starts hurting. You still have to finish, but it will just take longer if you stop. Once you get a few runs under your belt, and gain an understanding of the pain, and how you can persevere through it, you gain the ability to see that it might hurt a little more to keep running, but you'll be finished with the run faster and able to rest quicker.

 

Gem, I like the idea of comparing past painful experiences and seeing how you got through them, so you can understand that it'll hurt but if you keep driving on, you'll make it in a healthy and timely manner.

[DanlT]

My wife came to see me today.

She had a notebook in her hand.

We sat down, we talked. She vented and I listened. We both cried and she went over her list.

It was a list of ways I have hurt her over the past 3 years.

 

When she was done, I sat there dumbfounded. Then I looked at her and told her the truth. I simply told her that in my blindness, I didn't realize I was doing all of those self destructive things.

 

I told her that I have been working on regaining myself since the split. I told her about meditations (Something she had done for years). I told her I didn't want to go into it too much because even I would have a hard time granting me credibility at this point.

 

She told me she loved me, but would not go thru another episode like the one that split us up. I agreed.

 

Then I did what I think shocked her. I asked her to please NOT TRUST me. Be skeptical, don't let me slide by with anything. I told her as much as it would make it easy, I am not finished learning. It would be a mistake to come back now. I need to REALLY, REALLY LEARN and grow comfortable in my own skin before I take a chance at hurting her again.

I really mean this, and I told her that I need to do my healing for ME. Not for her. It is important that I DO HEAL... I cannot do this again, she cannot and I made a conscious decision that she does not deserve the insecurities I spewed out. (PTSD is a bitch)

She agreed.

 

We will take each day as it comes. She will continue to live at her Gf's house. No expectations on either, but a commitment to spend time together and see if we can nurture a loving relationship again.

 

She is a special lady, and I for one, will continue my healing and hopefully be the best I can be. For her, for me.

[idiot 274]

What a story. Sounds like your head is on straight though, you asked yourself a very tough awuestion and got your answer, that's good. Exactly one month before our wedding my mom had a major stroke and was on life support at the hospital. I was sitting on the curb outside with my fiance in tears and a wreck waiting for my kid to arrive so that we could all go in say goodbye to her as they disconnected the machines. As always my fiance was on her phone. I heard a small chuckle and asked wtf are you doing? She was talking to some guy on FB and he was telling her that he gets baby strokes when he kikes in CO. That's the type of person my soon to be ex is. Married for 1 year and 2 months. I caught myself texting her at first then it hit me in the face. I don't want her, f that good riddance