considering divorce and very scared

[beeinthebonnet]

I've been married almost 30 years, we have two children (8 and 12).

 

I've been considering divorce for a while now, my husband is at heart a good man and a great father but I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with him as he gets into middle age. He has become a very negative person, his default is being grouchy and/or miserable and there are some days when he literally doesn't stop complaining about...almost everything!...from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed at night.

 

This is bad enough, but I've come to realize that he has become more and more abusive over the years-he insists on controlling our finances and has started to yell and scream if I approach him with expenses we have, like medical costs, dental braces or summer camp for the kids etc. His constant refrain is, "we can't afford it".

 

We have a business together but quite honestly he does about 25% of the work (and that's being generous), the rest I do partly because he's not able to, partly because he simply won't learn basic functions, like how to run our website, send out newsletters etc. In fact, we've had businesses for over 20 years now and during that time-actually all our marriage now I think about it-I've always been the one who made the most effort and brought the most money in.

 

I've just discovered that he has NOT been paying my SS contributions for the last 12 years, as far as SS is concerned I don't work! Ironic given that I regularly put in 12 hour days, work weekends and evenings plus deal with most of the housework and cooking.

 

So I think I've had enough. I can certainly run 'our' business alone, goodness knows I pretty much do most of the heavy lifting there, he has never pulled his weight domestically and I've had enough of having to walk on eggshells, to choose my moments to discuss anything financial, having to calm him down so he stops yelling at the kids.

 

Please don't think I haven't discussed all this with him, many times. Sometimes he listened, we talk, he's remorseful and we have a period of relative calm, sometimes he blows up at me and screams his head off, sometimes he just sneers at me.

 

It sounds like he's an absolute monster; he isn't. When he's in a good mood, when he's feeling OK he's really great to be around. Unfortunately that's less and less.

 

I guess I'm just very confused as to how to proceed here. If we divorce our kids will be devastated, I'm also worried that he may well lash out at them during a bad-temper episode (which is one of the reasons I've stayed so long, worried that with 50% custody he would have a chance to really bully them without me there as the buffer).

 

Our business's value is in my work, without my contribution it's worth little to nothing. Our house has a small mortgage, I could certainly pay that myself but would have to give him 50% of the current value, which may be very difficult.

 

He's spent years calling me names and disregarding my wishes (reading this back, I'm wondering how I let myself be so misused for so long?) I want out. My stomach is constantly churning with fear and anxiety. I have Psoriasis which is aggravated by stress. I've had a long bout of Ulcerative Colitis, also stress-related.

 

Please, if anyone has any advice on how I can proceed, let me know. I'm so confused, so scared, I know I can support myself and our kids once he's off the scene but getting to that stage will take a lot of courage.

 

We've been together since I was 22 and I'm no wuss, but this has worn me down till I'm in a flat spin.

 

Sorry this was so long, and thanks in advance for any help you can give!

[whichwayisup]

So you're just gonna throw in the towel, divorce and uproot your young kids lives after 30 years of marriage without even trying? Not going to marriage counseling? Just give it and divorce? You and your husband owe it to each other and your children to do everything possible to keep your family intact as long as you can.

 

Maybe your H is depressed and needs counseling or medication.

 

Going to marriage counseling with him can make your marriage better as you two can learn to communicate and listen to one another better without resentment building up and issues being created.

 

Please be honest, lay it out on the table with him, tell him how you feel and why and tell him it's time to do counseling to fix things.

[beeinthebonnet]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Sorry, I didn't give all the many (many!) details in my first post, don't want to turn it into a complete whinge-fest:eek:

 

I've repeatedly asked him to come to MC with me or for us to go separately, he has flat-out refused, apparently counselors are all scammers and their patients are stupid.

 

I believe that he *is* depressed, he's been diagnosed as such but refuses to take any medication because apparently his Dr (a family friend) is a 'moron'. I take meds for anxiety and I know how vital they are to my well being, he thinks I'm weak for relying on them.

 

I'm at my wit's end trying to make this work, I've tried everything I can think of for years to avoid divorce, both for my kids and for everyone's financial well being, but I simply don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

It's not OK to call your partner names, to tell them that they are useless, stupid, that they 'cause more problems than they solve', that they are a nag, a fishwife, lazy and pathetic.

 

It's not OK to watch your wife slog through a tough day at work whilst you go off to the bar to watch the game all afternoon, and expect her to clean the house & cook dinner whilst you're out.

 

It's not OK to constantly moan, gripe and complain about everyone and everything you come into contact with, from the kids' schools (they are both at great schools) to what's for dinner, to how someone else is dressed (he's not exactly on Project Runway himself) to how stupid/pathetic/useless everyone else is.

 

It's certainly not OK to scream and yell at your wife and/or kids if they say something you don't want to hear, or if your team lost a game, or if you're just in a bad mood-BTW my husband is a good 10" taller than me and about 80 pounds heavier, he can be intimidating when he's raging.

 

And I don't think that this is something I can stomach for the next however-many-years until one of us dies.

 

For my kids, for my sanity, for my safety and self-respect I need out.

Edited May 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BlueIris]

Before you take action to divorce, hire someone to do a forensic analysis on the business and accounts. It sounds to me as though he is doing something with your money and that that is at least part of the reason that he is on the attack against you- to keep you off-center and intimidated while he scoops the cash.

[beeinthebonnet]

Thank you Blue Iris, that's really smart & helpful advice, much appreciated.

[266696687]

Thank you Blue Iris, that's really smart & helpful advice, much appreciated.

 

Yeah money was the first thing that also popped to mind reading your post. His control over the finances and non payment of your SS makes me think something else is going on.

 

Does he have a gambling problem or some other addiction that he could be spending the money on? Debt or something else?

 

Financial issues in a relationship can often cause a massive strain and could be the root cause of a lot of the problems you see in your marriage. His grumpiness and attempts to keep you away from making expensive purchases saying you can't afford it definitely suggests something is going on with the businesses money. You must have an idea of whether the business is doing well or not?

 

You should start digging quietly and find out what's going on. Sounds to me like he is hiding something in the finances.

[beeinthebonnet]

You make a really good point, I can't believe I haven't thought of this myself.

 

I'm usually pretty switched on but the last few years have really ground me down, I'm not firing on all cylinders for sure. The stress of just keeping it all together I think.

 

Our business is doing OK, we're steadily increasing turnover & profits and we've been in this business for over a decade. I have a fairly good idea of how we are doing (I'm the one who deals with our online store, he doesn't know how) but the out-goings are difficult to pin down.

 

Thanks again for your input, really thought provoking. Time to check out the huge pile of bank statements he has shoved in a basket.

[Art_Critic]

Are you an employee of the business or getting paid as a contractor ?

Do you get a salary and get that check each month on the same day as a payroll ? Do you get insurance benefits in your name ?

 

Did he pay himself SS and give it to the Government and lastly did he take out SS from your check and not give it to the government and does your paycheck show the deduction ?

[DevastatedDiva]

Hi

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going to take a different tack.

 

Is it an Ltd or llc? Are you a director, secretary or what? Who keeps the business books? You need access to those statements and fast. Copy them while he's out if required.

 

If you do decide to go for divorce now or in the future, and you want to claim 50% of the business(Es) and you're not listed anywhere, you'll have to prove it. Once you do, the government will want the 12 years of social security contributions paid up ASAP.

 

It's simple math. If you can see an upturn in orders but profits aren't seen, and your H is saying you can't "afford" anything, something quite literally doesn't add up.

 

In the meantime, if he controls all the money and gives you money for groceries and stuff, use coupons etc., and start pocketing the difference and storing it somewhere. If you can't work it out that's your divorce lawyer fund.

 

Remember, if he is listed as the sole owner and hasn't paid your SS, I'm wondering if that is some type of legal sanction like fraud. How did you find out?

[standtall]

Wow BB..not a good situation. I think you should give him an ultimatum, MC..IC..stay on your meds, and then be prepared to walk if he doesn't.

 

You can do whatever you want as far as a divorce, but it's gonna cost ya.

[Patrice]

I left a marriage after 27 years. We have three children together, all stellar kids. I left as soon as the last child left for college. I think I repressed a LOT during all those years of how poorly he treated me and how badly he took me for granted. When my youngest went to Kindergarten, I went back to school to get my Master's degree (he didn't want me to). When I got my first job, I made more money than him (he was not happy). The only thing he did in the house was take control of the money - including my pay.

 

After I left, I started to see how poorly he had managed that.

 

He was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, after the marriage ended.

 

I look back, and felt I had no spirit or energy left when I exited the marriage. It was purely self-preservation to leave. Get someone to look at your finances, it sounds to me like you have made your decision.

[gemini6]

Sorry you are going through it.

Have you had his Testosterone checked? Sometimes, when men are getting older their T level drops significantly and it can lead to depression, low energy, low sex drive, and just all around yuckiness. And we, those closest to them, get the brunt of it.

Another thing to think about:

When you focus on all of the negatives all the time - you will find more and more negative and it makes it really really difficult to see anything good or positive about the man or the marriage - I'm not saying that is what you are doing but maybe you should ask yourself if that IS what you've been doing?

Has he tried to make improvements that haven't been good enough in your book? Is there something he can do to make you like him more? or is it just too late? Are you interested in someone else? Are you fantasizing about life without him? on your own? or with someone else? Are you excited about being on your own and having a new life? I'm asking because sometimes we do that to ourselves and then we've painted them black - meaning there is nothing they can say or do that will make it better - even when they try, it's not good enough. Especially if we kinda have our eye on another or are in a full blown EA or PA...just some things to ponder!

Again, I'm sorry you are going through it. I would suggest a trial separation, sometimes actually being alone is way different then what you imagined it to be.

[beeinthebonnet]

Thanks so much for all these replies, I can't begin to tell you how helpful they are.

 

I'm finally starting to be able to see a little clearer through the mental fog that's been keeping me off-kilter for the last few months.

 

DH is away for a few days next week so I'll use that time to start my financial sleuthing. The results may be horrific, they may not but at least I'll have a better idea of what I have to work with.

 

Again, many many thanks, you've no idea (actually you probably do!) just how much of a relief it is to know that there are things I can do and plan for. You all rock!

[266696687]

Thanks so much for all these replies, I can't begin to tell you how helpful they are.

 

I'm finally starting to be able to see a little clearer through the mental fog that's been keeping me off-kilter for the last few months.

 

DH is away for a few days next week so I'll use that time to start my financial sleuthing. The results may be horrific, they may not but at least I'll have a better idea of what I have to work with.

 

Again, many many thanks, you've no idea (actually you probably do!) just how much of a relief it is to know that there are things I can do and plan for. You all rock!

 

Good luck! I hope you get some answers.

 

Do come back and keep us updated whenever you need to vent or for support.

[overseas2004]

There are a lot of things that people tell me they wish they though of when they come to my office asking for a divorce. I am a lawyer. I don't know what state you live in but there are things you can do to protect yourself before you start the papers rolling. There are also things to think about. In some states you must live separate and apart for a year before getting a divorce. So I would, if I were you, go see a lawyer and arm yourself with the knowledge you need to make intelligent decisions