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Lost_in_emotion

I've been lurking for several months but wanted to share my story. Maybe because I need support or maybe I just want to get it all out in a group where others understand exactly what I'm going through.

 

 

I have been married for 17 years and have 2 kids, 11 and 14. My marriage has been loveless and passionless almost since it's inception. We have been together since I was 18 and he was 20, married at 22 and 24. I have told him for many years that I wasn't happy with just being roommates but he is content to just exist. I am not. I am a very passionate person and I guess I didn't realize how passionate when I was much younger. We have been to marital counseling twice since we've been married. Once about 13 years ago and then Jan-May 2015. In October of 2015 I went to my class reunion and reconnected with someone that I only knew in passing during my youth. He told me he was separated with 2 girls and we started talking as friends through text. This was the beginning of October. Three weeks later I decided that I just couldn't stay in the marriage anymore so I told my husband I wanted to separate. In fairness to him I told him that I had a physical affair with someone 2 years prior that had been over a few months after it started. I have been in IC for 2 years following that PA because I was so ashamed that I had done it. My therapist had encouraged me to tell my husband but I just didn't want to hurt him. Ultimately she was right and I should have told him then but I didn't. I told him in October and he said he was done with the marriage. I agreed and we separated. I had already started having feelings for the other person during the first few weeks of October and I guess that is what made me freak out and ask for a separation. I had spent so long in counseling trying to ensure that I would not engage in an affair again and I could feel myself going in that direction.

 

 

I think I felt so emotionally devoid and depleted that I gravitated toward the other person. We have a lot in common and just fit well together, as everyone else on here says, we have that "connection". So during the time that my husband and I were separated I started seeing him as we could both tell we had feelings. He continued to say that he was separated but I had a feeling something was not right. I caught him in a few lies that were really odd and weird. He was able to talk to me at night and see me whenever so I didn't question the separation. Also, his father was terminally ill and hospice had been called in. So I really didn't want to add to his stress by asking a lot of questions that weren't necessary. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. A few weeks in to seeing each other his father passed away. He told me that he couldn't be with anyone and needed to be by himself for a while. I understood and respected that. My husband then came to me and asked that we try one more time to make our marriage work. He wanted to do Christian counseling as he did not like the counseling I set us up with the previous year. I agreed but my heart wasn't in it. I was not leaving him for this other person. He may have been a catalyst but he was not the reason, at all.

 

 

He and I started the counseling, which basically told us that our marriage is not about getting our needs met but about our obedience to God and our vows. That if our needs aren't being met with each other then they need to be met by our relationship with Christ. So I was having a hard time with all of that because that is not what I feel or believe. The other person and I didn't talk for several weeks. My husband and I were going to this counseling once a week but I could tell that neither of us was really invested. He is very passive and just wanted his life to go back to how it was when he was just fine with co-existing.

 

Fast forward a few weeks and the other person contacted me and told me that he was having a hard time with grieving. He wanted to talk about things with me, etc. I talked to him and we texted back and forth for many days. About 2 weeks later his wife contacted me because she saw my number in his phone. I still thought he was separated even though he did tell me that he was living at home just sleeping on the couch. I believed him as that was my situation prior to the Christian counseling program. She confirmed that he slept on the couch and they do not have a physical relationship. She said that he doesn't really have anywhere to go and that he has had a relationship with someone else in the past. I had too so I didn't hold that against him. She said that they were not technically separated and he was telling her he didn't want to leave. She basically told me that he was a pathological liar but she would probably not kick him out because his father just died.

 

 

During this time my husband saw text messages between us and told me that he was done. I admitted that I had feelings for the other person and that I had seen him a bit when we were separated a few months prior. We decided to stay in the same house until it sold and sleep in separate rooms. We have a very amicable relationship, always have. So our communicated was just in regards to the children. We haven't had an argument in 7 years or more, which is part of the problem. So after my conversation with his wife I should have run the opposite direction. I didn't. I wanted to give him an opportunity to explain. He admitted that he had not been truthful about separating because he knew I wouldn't have stayed. He claimed that their marriage has not worked for years and they only got married because they had a 3 year old. He told me that he was leaving but it would take time to get his finances in order. He asked me to give him until May to leave. I agreed as I had things to work through as well. We continued to see each other and talk daily. We got a separate phone to communicate on and had a gps app put on it because I had issues trusting him. It was on both of our phones. About 6 weeks after he said he was leaving in May he told me that he was torn and didn't know if he could leave because of his kids. Yes, I know, same story different guy. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted and if he left it didn't need to be because of me. I told him I wouldn't continue with him if he was going to stay but that he shouldn't leave for "us". His wife had already confirmed with me that they really had no marriage or relationship. He took a few days and came back telling me that he has to leave and there is no other option for him. Because he has lied before I had a difficult time believing that he was really going to leave and questioned him about it many times. I told him that if he wasn't going to leave to just let me go as I wanted to move on with my life. He assured me over and over that he was leaving by May. April 20th came and he told me that there was no way he could financially leave by the end of May. He said that he would need a few more months but he knew that meant we wouldn't see each other. We continued to talk and text but did not see each other. I turned the location app off because it wasn't necessary if we weren't in a "relationship". Last Monday he told me that she had found the phone we were using but didn't see what was in it. She told him to leave and he said that he didn't want to be there anymore. He told her he would find a place within a week and leave. Tuesday was his birthday and he spent the night with me, leaving Wednesday morning. Wednesday at noon he told me he was meeting with someone at 3pm to sign a sublease and would call me after. I had turned the gps back on Monday when he said he was leaving within a week. I did not see where he met anyone at that time, or after. Her parents were coming into town on Wednesday because the family was leaving Thursday for a trip (his kids had an extracurricular event out of town that had already been paid for). I didn't hear from him after that text on Wednesday and I saw him on the way to the trip Thursday. I turned the gps off Thursday afternoon because I just couldn't do it anymore. I haven't heard from him since the text last Wednesday. I haven't called him and he hasn't called me. It really bothers him when I turn the gps off which I've only done the one time before when he told me he couldn't leave by May. I guess I turned it off because when I hadn't heard from him I felt something was off again and I just couldn't deal with the back and forth anymore.

 

 

I am sad. Sad that I have allowed myself into this relationship. Sad that I did this to another woman. Sad that I didn't follow my gut instincts when I found out about the first lies in October. I feel stupid and naïve. I really believed he would leave. I guess deep down I knew he wouldn't so maybe I just wanted to believe that he would. We haven't gone this long without talking since his father passed. I have so many questions but I know I won't get truthful answers from him. I want to know why he continued to tell me he was leaving if he wasn't going to follow through. I want to know why he didn't just tell me he wasn't leaving as he had before. He said after the last time that he couldn't tell me he was leaving anymore that he had to show me. Right. I never would have continued with him if he wasn't going to leave and he knows that. I am not going to contact him but it's so hard. I want to call him but I just can't give in. I know this was wrong. I know I'm a coward for not ending my marriage years ago. I just thought I could make it all work somehow. I am having a terrible time with this because I just want to know what happened after he texted me Wednesday and why he didn't follow through. Deep down I already know the answers. Not to mention that she told me he's a pathological liar. I should have run for the hills but I'm a social worker and I believe that people can change. Everyone says this but I saw something in him that I haven't seen in anyone else and that was when I thought he was available or free.

 

 

I guess I am just reaching out for advice or support. I had been so unfulfilled in my marriage for so long and he just did it for me, in so many ways. I'm sad and hurt. I really did not think he wouldn't contact me. He always has, even when he's telling me he can't leave. It sucks to not have closure. I have so many questions but I know I won't get truthful answers.

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stilltrying16

Lostinemotion, I am so sorry you are hurting. To me your situation actually seems less explosive and more manageable than many others, mainly because BW and you had a candid talk some time ago. It's promising that she confirmed some of the things he was claiming to you- for example that he was sleeping on a couch.

 

My advice is that you do extricate yourself from your marriage, which doesn't seem to have worked for either of you for years. But freeing yourself from the marriage should be your focus now and it should be delinked from the A you were considering at one point. Give yourself some breathing room after the marriage ends, take time to recover and find your center, and only then consider starting a new relationship.

 

I wish you the very best. Please keep posting and take care of yourself. Hugs!

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Lost_in_emotion
Lostinemotion, I am so sorry you are hurting. To me your situation actually seems less explosive and more manageable than many others, mainly because BW and you had a candid talk some time ago. It's promising that she confirmed some of the things he was claiming to you- for example that he was sleeping on a couch.

 

My advice is that you do extricate yourself from your marriage, which doesn't seem to have worked for either of you for years. But freeing yourself from the marriage should be your focus now and it should be delinked from the A you were considering at one point. Give yourself some breathing room after the marriage ends, take time to recover and find your center, and only then consider starting a new relationship.

 

I wish you the very best. Please keep posting and take care of yourself. Hugs!

 

You are right in that it wasn't a volatile interaction with his wife. That was only because I talked to her when I thought they were separated. It would be a much different conversation now since I continued my relationship with him knowing they aren't, regardless of whether he's sleeping on the couch or not. I agree that my focus needs to be on myself and getting through my own separation and divorce. I guess I'm just having a difficult time letting go and getting over him. Especially because we just never had a conversation and the last thing said was he was meeting with someone to sign paperwork for his own place. I'm driving myself crazy wondering what's going on with him. Did he not contact me because I turned off the gps? Did he give her the phone? Did he decide to stay and just doesn't want to tell me even though he's told me before? Just so many unanswered questions. I definitely know I don't need to focus on this but it's really hard with no closure. I could contact him and ask all of these questions but I just don't know what good that would do and I don't want to get roped back in.

 

 

Also, there are so many things I didn't post because it was already so long. I hope others will also take the time to read and reply. It is very helpful to get things out here.

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stilltrying16

I have been here just for a month, but I've noticed that does usually take some time before one gets responses. So I wouldn't worry about that for now.

 

You mentioned seeing a therapist some time ago. Are you still in therapy? And do you have a support circle in real life to which you can turn? Let me add that even if you don't, coming here was a great choice- posting here, responding to other posts, should be very helpful.

 

Have you been reading around the Other Woman/Other Man forum? There are lots of threads focusing on NC and on closure. Do you think some of the advice there applies to you as well?

 

I can sense how frustrating it must be to get close to a sense of finality, and then having things start up and get dragged out again. It seems to have been the pattern for your marriage, and now your A. No wonder closure seems so appealing. But will it really make that much difference?

 

I really believed he would leave. I guess deep down I knew he wouldn't so maybe I just wanted to believe that he would. We haven't gone this long without talking since his father passed. I have so many questions but I know I won't get truthful answers from him. I want to know why he continued to tell me he was leaving if he wasn't going to follow through. I want to know why he didn't just tell me he wasn't leaving as he had before. He said after the last time that he couldn't tell me he was leaving anymore that he had to show me. Right. I never would have continued with him if he wasn't going to leave and he knows that.
This quote from your opening post shows why you are so torn. You say you "really believed" he would leave but knew "deep down" he wouldn't; that you have a lot of questions, but knew you won't get "truthful answers from him." My point here is given this pattern, nothing he says now can help you with closure; you have to do that for yourself. You've been decisive and you made sure you could move on; he has not been decisive, and it seems he is not in a position financially or maybe even emotionally to move on. He told you why he wouldn't give you a new deadline for leaving- he needed to show you, not tell you. He himself is actually asking you to go by his actions and not his words- the exact advice we see on this site for anyone struggling with infidelity. His pattern, self-chosen or forced on him by circumstance, is deferral. Therefore you cannot expect him to help with your closure.

 

NC is extremely hard, but in your situation having or not having closure will not make NC easier. Even if he gives you a new deadline and new explanations, chances are you will obsessively pick them apart, parsing every phrase and sentiment- therefore, closure here will only be a false closure. It will actually undermine your NC because it will keep you focused on him, his words, his choices, his motives, so mentally you will get even more entangled in this situation.

 

Real NC is the only way, because though it will be really hard to work through the pain, gradually it will help you regain a sense of yourself outside of your affair. You will be working on yourself which is all one can do anyway. You will provide the closure you need without help from him (and he has already shown that he can't help with closure- again because his pattern is deferral).

 

Just a few questions for you:

 

-are you still in therapy? Is that helping to snap you out of obsessive patterns of thought?

 

-have you read other threads on this site on NC and closure? Is the advice and discussion in those applicable to you?

 

-do you have time commitments that need all your focus and that can distract you in good ways? If not, can you make such commitments now?

 

Again, my best wishes. You are a strong woman -and you will be ok.

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loveisanaction

Lost-in-emotion, I'm sorry you are hurting and kudos to you for staying away. He hasn't contacted you because he hasn't left his marriage and he hasn't left his marriage (this is going to hurt) because he doesn't want to.

 

I don't know how long your married man's marriage is but it's not easy to walk away from the person who has been a major part of your life, the same person you created a family and a life with. We're talking years of Christmases, birthdays, Easter celebrations, family vacations, family crises that the both of them went through as a team and came out stronger; people don't just give that kind of stuff up.

 

You are doing the right thing by staying away from your married man, let him deal with the problems in his marriage. If him and his wife are able to work things out more power to them and if not he'll start the next chapter of his life, this might include you it might not.

 

In the meantime and i know this is easier said than done but you need to start slowing moving on with your life. If your married comes back you can start a relationship with him the right way with the both of you as single people. If he doesn't someone else will come along and your conscience will be clean that you did the right thing by staying away. If you were his wife i'm sure you would want to the other woman to stay away during this difficult time in your marriage. It's the right thing to do.

 

I wish you the best...and hugs...

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The question was simple "Are you with me or her?". His response "Not yet" counts as a No.

Time to move on. Time to heal. Time to take care of your kids.

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Grapesofwrath

Lost: First, I would like to applaud you for being more transparent and proactive in your situation than many others here. It's clear that deception is not a comfortable thing for you and that you are trying to do the right thing, even if you stumble at times.

 

I advise that you step back from this relationship and focus more on yourself and your healing. Ending a marriage is painful and difficult. It is definitely tempting to have someone in your corner, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. But I don't think this relationship is going to have "legs." There are too many complicating factors and it's unclear where he stands on several fronts.

 

It's difficult, but you can do it. Stop worrying about him and hearing from him. He has got to figure out his own situation, and worrying about it will not make that happen any faster. Perhaps try to identify some other sources of support in your life that can give you that listening ear without all the complications. We are here, too!!

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Lost_in_emotion
I have been here just for a month, but I've noticed that does usually take some time before one gets responses. So I wouldn't worry about that for now.

 

You mentioned seeing a therapist some time ago. Are you still in therapy? And do you have a support circle in real life to which you can turn? Let me add that even if you don't, coming here was a great choice- posting here, responding to other posts, should be very helpful.

 

Have you been reading around the Other Woman/Other Man forum? There are lots of threads focusing on NC and on closure. Do you think some of the advice there applies to you as well?

 

I can sense how frustrating it must be to get close to a sense of finality, and then having things start up and get dragged out again. It seems to have been the pattern for your marriage, and now your A. No wonder closure seems so appealing. But will it really make that much difference?

 

This quote from your opening post shows why you are so torn. You say you "really believed" he would leave but knew "deep down" he wouldn't; that you have a lot of questions, but knew you won't get "truthful answers from him." My point here is given this pattern, nothing he says now can help you with closure; you have to do that for yourself. You've been decisive and you made sure you could move on; he has not been decisive, and it seems he is not in a position financially or maybe even emotionally to move on. He told you why he wouldn't give you a new deadline for leaving- he needed to show you, not tell you. He himself is actually asking you to go by his actions and not his words- the exact advice we see on this site for anyone struggling with infidelity. His pattern, self-chosen or forced on him by circumstance, is deferral. Therefore you cannot expect him to help with your closure.

 

NC is extremely hard, but in your situation having or not having closure will not make NC easier. Even if he gives you a new deadline and new explanations, chances are you will obsessively pick them apart, parsing every phrase and sentiment- therefore, closure here will only be a false closure. It will actually undermine your NC because it will keep you focused on him, his words, his choices, his motives, so mentally you will get even more entangled in this situation.

 

Real NC is the only way, because though it will be really hard to work through the pain, gradually it will help you regain a sense of yourself outside of your affair. You will be working on yourself which is all one can do anyway. You will provide the closure you need without help from him (and he has already shown that he can't help with closure- again because his pattern is deferral).

 

Just a few questions for you:

 

-are you still in therapy? Is that helping to snap you out of obsessive patterns of thought?

 

-have you read other threads on this site on NC and closure? Is the advice and discussion in those applicable to you?

 

-do you have time commitments that need all your focus and that can distract you in good ways? If not, can you make such commitments now?

 

Again, my best wishes. You are a strong woman -and you will be ok.

 

 

 

Thank you so, so much for this response. I had not looked at what he said in terms of showing me that way before. Possibly because I'm in the situation and not looking in from the outside, which is why posting here is so great. You are exactly right. I guess what was disturbing for me was that we just didn't talk again which made me feel disposable, because I am and have no right to be anything other than that with him given his status. There was never a conversation where we talked about no contact, etc. I think that was the hardest part.

 

 

The update is he contacted me today and gave me the reasons he hasn't contacted me, which really don't matter because I'm done. I let him know that I'm not willing to continue talking to him or seeing him until he is out of the house, maybe not even then. The reasons he had not contacted me are of no consequence because the bottom line is that if he had left already he would have contacted me. And what you said about picking apart his deadlines is so spot on. I would have continued to do that. This way, I've told him I'm done and if he contacts me at some point in the future and he is out of the house then I can decide if he is someone I want to put energy and effort into. I have no illusions that not talking to him or seeing him is going to be difficult because it will be but I am glad that I was able to tell him that as opposed to just never having another conversation. So I was able to get the closure I needed, even if it was just by telling him I was done. Apparently she has the phone we were using so I'm not likely to hear from him since we all know that he isn't going to leave and have blocked that number anyway. If he really wants to reach me he knows how to find me.

 

 

To answer your questions... yes I am very much still going to IC and see her weekly. It has been a great support for me. I do have friends that know if the situation and they are supportive but have never been involved in anything like this. None of them are divorced so it's different talking to them versus posting here. I do have commitments that will take up my time and am planning to put energy into those things. First and foremost I need to get through my own situation and make sure my kids get through it ok as well. So that will be my main focus for now. I am very active so I have those things as well. I have visited the other threads and they have been helpful. Thank you for this response.

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Lost_in_emotion
Lost-in-emotion, I'm sorry you are hurting and kudos to you for staying away. He hasn't contacted you because he hasn't left his marriage and he hasn't left his marriage (this is going to hurt) because he doesn't want to.

 

I don't know how long your married man's marriage is but it's not easy to walk away from the person who has been a major part of your life, the same person you created a family and a life with. We're talking years of Christmases, birthdays, Easter celebrations, family vacations, family crises that the both of them went through as a team and came out stronger; people don't just give that kind of stuff up.

 

You are doing the right thing by staying away from your married man, let him deal with the problems in his marriage. If him and his wife are able to work things out more power to them and if not he'll start the next chapter of his life, this might include you it might not.

 

In the meantime and i know this is easier said than done but you need to start slowing moving on with your life. If your married comes back you can start a relationship with him the right way with the both of you as single people. If he doesn't someone else will come along and your conscience will be clean that you did the right thing by staying away. If you were his wife i'm sure you would want to the other woman to stay away during this difficult time in your marriage. It's the right thing to do.

 

I wish you the best...and hugs...

 

 

 

Absolutely, if he wanted to leave he would leave. He has been married for 7 years but been together for 17. They got married after their oldest was 3 years old. I completely understand how difficult it is to make that final decision to leave. It was hard for me. I can't control what he does. I can only control how I respond to it and I am absolutely not going to be the other woman. It's not what I want for my life. So now starts the hard part, missing him and wanting to talk to him. It will be hard but I'm committed to it for myself.

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Lost_in_emotion
The question was simple "Are you with me or her?". His response "Not yet" counts as a No.

Time to move on. Time to heal. Time to take care of your kids.

 

 

 

Exactly. My focus needs to be on healing myself and taking care of my kids. As much as I felt for him I'm sure in many ways he was a distraction so I wouldn't have to deal with what difficulties are sure to come for me.

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Lost_in_emotion
Lost: First, I would like to applaud you for being more transparent and proactive in your situation than many others here. It's clear that deception is not a comfortable thing for you and that you are trying to do the right thing, even if you stumble at times.

 

I advise that you step back from this relationship and focus more on yourself and your healing. Ending a marriage is painful and difficult. It is definitely tempting to have someone in your corner, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. But I don't think this relationship is going to have "legs." There are too many complicating factors and it's unclear where he stands on several fronts.

 

It's difficult, but you can do it. Stop worrying about him and hearing from him. He has got to figure out his own situation, and worrying about it will not make that happen any faster. Perhaps try to identify some other sources of support in your life that can give you that listening ear without all the complications. We are here, too!!

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. Deception is terrible for me. It does something to my soul. If what I wanted was to be a serial cheater then I would have stayed with my husband because he would never have known and I could have done that every few years with no problem. It's not what I wanted and isn't who I am, even though I have definitely stumbled in the last few years. Now that I feel I have closure for myself I can start to move forward and deal with my own issues. I will definitely be posting here as I am going t struggle with NC and not having that shoulder to cry on, esp given it was such a comforting shoulder. I can do this with my other supports though. Will just have to post here for accountability I'm sure!

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stilltrying16

Just read your responses to all the posts, Lost-in-Emotion. You are handling everything beautifully. It's not easy to make the difficult but right choices you have made already - but you have persisted. So much focus and strength. Good for you!

 

Great to know also that you've continued in IC and that it's helping. I'm impressed.

 

So glad you plan to keep posting. Please know we are here for you.

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privategal

Today is day 8. You are taking a stand to not let your soul become more damaged.

One day is hard...8 is hard...30 is brutal...time and space will help you but its going to hurt and when you are lost, let us help you sort it...we are all a little lost but some further out of the woods can help and those in the middle of it can identify. You are going to be ok.

This is your equivalent to AA in a way.

You got this.

Whats important eventually is to move from I am in NC to I am done.

Dont let nc be temporary.

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Lost_in_emotion

Thanks still trying. It was difficult to have that conversation with him today. Especially because he is still saying he is leaving and wants to be able to contact me when he does. I don't believe him and think he was just letting me down easy. Clearly he has issues breaking things off given his current situation and MO. Regardless this is it and I have to move forward. Doesn't make me feel any less terrible about myself right now. I know that will pass and time will make it easier. It has been helpful reading through the threads. I am glad I'm not alone. It makes me feel a little more normal. So now begins the real no contact now that I have closure. I'm ready for the withdrawals :(

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Lost_in_emotion
Today is day 8. You are taking a stand to not let your soul become more damaged.

One day is hard...8 is hard...30 is brutal...time and space will help you but its going to hurt and when you are lost, let us help you sort it...we are all a little lost but some further out of the woods can help and those in the middle of it can identify. You are going to be ok.

This is your equivalent to AA in a way.

You got this.

Whats important eventually is to move from I am in NC to I am done.

Dont let nc be temporary.

 

Today is actually the first full day. The 8 days were when we weren't talking but I didn't know why. Yesterday it officially ended. I don't feel like I'm back to square one with no contact because I went through 8 really hard days. Now it just feels more final than it did before. I also know that I wanted it to be over and move on but it's bittersweet. I am looking forward to the day when I'm not sad or angry but ambivalent. This is for the best and I know that. I am thankful that I don't have to see him anywhere. I can't imagine working with him or seeing him consistently. Thank you for the reply.

 

 

I have seen your posts on other threads and find them to be helpful - especially the "tough love" ones. How are you doing? I read through your thread recently also.

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lemondrop21

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given here and I haven't been in your situation exactly because MM never actually tried to leave in my case. That has to have been incredibly disappointing. It's great that you are nonetheless doing what's right for your own marriage, though, instead of using your husband as a backup plan since the A didn't work out. You don't describe your husband as a bad person and maybe you feel he deserves to be happy as well in the long run. I think you both have a good shot at that once this turbulent time is over and you're able to start fresh again.

 

NC is very tough but it changes you. Every time you get a terrible withdrawal and resist reaching out, you're one step further along. You also are able to appreciate the consistency of NC when you had a MM who would be sporadic with his contact, as yours was - no more looking at the phone and wondering if he'll contact you, because he isn't able to do so.

 

That said, I don't think NC is a panacea. I'm not in NC anymore with xMM, but we were complete NC for about five weeks and it spurred me on in my healing. I am focused on dating others now, something I couldn't do when I first entered NC. That said, it all still hurts, which is why I'm still on this board. A's hurt for a good long time. But we all have to believe that someday, that pain will go away.

 

Hugs and best of luck to you.

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Lost_in_emotion

Lemon drop - thank you for the post. Yes, I do want my husband to be happy and I don't want to continue hurting him by having emotional and/or physical affairs. I know it will continue to happen if our marriage doesn't change and he doesn't seem to want those changes.

 

Today is my 3rd day nc and I feel ok. Friday was tough and it gets a little easier each day. There are plenty of ways he could contact me if he chose to bc I can't block his work number but I'm not looking at my phone all the time like I did a week ago. I guess I feel some sort of finality. Partly because deep down I know I'm done even if he isn't. I can't be with someone that is a pathological liar and he is the closest I've ever seen to one. As much as I feel for him (only God knows why given the lies) I just don't want to be with him. Today has been a good day and I am actually thinking of putting myself out there to meet new people. Not to date seriously but just to meet people. We'll see. I didn't think of him when I first woke up this morning so that's progress. I'll take it!

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Lost_in_emotion

I'm on day 8 of no contact and feeling pretty good. Ive had moments of sadness here and there but am feeling good about not being in the affair anymore. I am going out on a date with someone tonight. We are going bowling. I've been talking with this person since last weekend and he seems really nice so we will see :)! I'm looking forward to meeting new people and just having some fun, nothing serious!

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FromSunToMoonlitSnow

Dear Lost in emotion – I’m sorry for all that’s happening and is happening with and around you right now. It looks like you’re on day 8 today of NC. I was really touched by your post, because I’ve been where you are and on the other side of the fence, as well. Here’s what I do know – when a marriage does not have that element of sexual intimacy that it is supposed to, husband and wife BOTH are being cheated. It is not ok. I know because I’ve been there - and I was the one who was having trouble in that area. It took quite some time to be able to understand the whys around that. It had to do with abuse in my past. I didn’t see it as abuse at that time. I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband. I am trying to say there may be reasons, ones he legitimately might not be aware of, that have impacted his sex drive and level of engagement all this time. In my case, my husband went elsewhere. That feeds a vicious circle of self-hatred and regret and shame on everyone’s part. Years later, when someone from my past showed up and was able to desire me and “love” me, I found myself involved with him. It was complicated and at that time, I still didn’t understand all the issues in play. To make a long, challenging story shorter, my husband and I are still together, happy, and we celebrated 30 years of marriage recently. IMHO, I don’t believe the counsel you received to look to God and your vows was as complete as it could have been. A married man and woman have accountability to each other to fulfill physical needs. Part of the equation should have been loving and supportive confrontation in an effort by the counselor to get to the bottom of what is driving your husband’s lack of desire. It’s definitely a complicated thing and affects us at our core. I hope your marriage can not just survive, but thrive, because I know what it’s like on the other side of the hurdles. It was hard work, but totally worth it. I also want to say, regardless where you land, God loves you. We are whole people, made up of mind, body, spirit and we have needs in all those areas. Please take the time to explore all those areas, ask questions about who you are, who God is, and what the next steps are, etc. I know from experience healing takes time, focus, and hard work, but it is possible! Best wishes to you as you contemplate your next steps.

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