A different question about [affair] mindset

[Cymbeline]

Picklehead's question about the mindset of a WS during an affair prompted me ask a question that I have wondered about for some time.

 

What is the mindset of an OW/M during an affair?

 

If the affair is secret then the marriage isn't as broken as all that. The WS goes home to family and family events probably come first. FB usually means that may be verified.

 

Why is that acceptable to an AP who presumably doesn't want to be a secret and tucked away quietly until the WS has spare time. What thoughts are running through their heads?

 

I read here that weekends are lonely. damuly holidays seems to be a time of considerable pain for the OW/M. My 'own' OW went off work with burn out and it coincided with our first family holiday. My WH stopped it later due to an almost d day and potential work issues, yet it restarted fairly quickly. I wonder how she was feeling and why?

 

When our second extended holiday was about to happen , she understandably said she didn't want to do it any more unless he wasn't married. He had always said he wouldn't leave but felt he was by then in love.

 

Why are holidays such an issue when the OW/M knows the WS already has a full family life? Why does someone volunteer for such a painful experience? I read about self esteem etc, but what are the thoughts and feelings that co exist with this spiral of hurt? I try hard to imagine them but I can't because I can't imagine purposely putting my hand in that fire.

 

It is bothering me quite a lot as I am trying to understand the young woman who was involved with my WH. She had worked for him. I am reasonably high profile in the office so she knew all about me and the children. What was in her mind?

[lemondrop21]

In my experience, you are thinking ALL THE TIME about how you need to cut off the A. It's easier to push that thought to the side during the week as you are working. Weekends give you more time to think and if you are in the type of A where you don't see/hear from your married AP during the weekend, it's harder. But then the work week comes and you're swept right back up in the current of it all. if you've tried to cut it off in the past (and most have) you know how damn painful it will be and that it will screw up not only your week, but many weeks after that. So you rationalize, "ok I can't deal with ending it this week because I have this presentation, that meeting, mom's visiting, I have to go to that dinner party." And so life continues and the A continues and becomes just another part of life you are "managing." You know you are hurting the spouse and kids but as long as there has been no DDay, you can push that thought aside and think that it's really the wayward's problem anyway.

 

And then all of a sudden it's a holiday. They creep up on you as they do for anyone. And then it's, "oh sh**, I told myself I would end this before another holiday since the last one was so painful. How is it that time already? I can't end it now, I have my own places to go and people to see and no time for a complete meltdown so I'll just have to cope as best I can until they return." So you have a partial meltdown in your head, but it feels more contained than having a full breakup.

 

This probably all sounds like a very lame set of excuses, but if you think of it like an addiction... Not wanting to go into full withdrawal is a very powerful motivator.

[salparadise]

Being a man I can't relate first hand experience, but here's what I think... which is probably more accurate than that of an OW anyway given people's propensity to use denial to obfuscate their own motivations.

 

Validation, power, control, jealousy, resentment. If you were in the office and in a higher position, esp. a position of authority over her, and she's attracted to him to begin with, perhaps she coveted what you had, your role, your family, and what may have been perceived as not being taken seriously. None of this would be well defined as conscious thoughts- more like a vague feeling.

 

Usurping your power probably gave her a big adrenaline boost and served as a band-aid to her lack of self-esteem. It may also be perceived as a way of getting certain needs met without having to risk a major commitment since the relationship is automatically limited.

 

And some people are simply more attracted to what is forbidden than to what is available. I'm guessing that the covert aspect, the knowledge that she was phukking your man as you pranced around with your tone authority and superiority (from her perspective) gave her a feeling that she enjoyed.

[Cymbeline]

I am a SAHM though an educated one - out of her league, though I know that doesn't matter. Any perceived power (and I acknowledge there is that). comes through my WH. Anyway, I'm frequently told I am very different from many wives of very senior execs because I am 'ordinary' . I used to buy her birthday and Xmas presents ?.

 

I am sorry for her (just sorrier for myself). I have been forbidden to speak to her by friends and therapist so I read here instead. I get 'opinions' from a few people in the office but I can't verify them. I can't help thinking that speaking to her would quell my puzzlement and answer my curiosity since I am signally unable to let go. Would any of you think that is in any way a good idea?

 

The risk she took (applies even more to him but I know him utterly and how off the wall he can get) was enormous. I was travelling away a lot for family so opportunities were there but how could she watch him come home? How could she see work travel Arrangements which included me and still bear to touch him? Call herself 'his'. And call him 'hers'? When he would have to cancel a meeting with her if I needed him? Wasn't she hurt beyond being able to continue by that from the very first time?

[lemondrop21]

Being a man I can't relate first hand experience, but here's what I think... which is probably more accurate than that of an OW anyway given people's propensity to use denial to obfuscate their own motivations.

 

Validation, power, control, jealousy, resentment. If you were in the office and in a higher position, esp. a position of authority over her, and she's attracted to him to begin with, perhaps she coveted what you had, your role, your family, and what may have been perceived as not being taken seriously. None of this would be well defined as conscious thoughts- more like a vague feeling.

 

Usurping your power probably gave her a big adrenaline boost and served as a band-aid to her lack of self-esteem. It may also be perceived as a way of getting certain needs met without having to risk a major commitment since the relationship is automatically limited.

 

And some people are simply more attracted to what is forbidden than to what is available. I'm guessing that the covert aspect, the knowledge that she was phukking your man as you pranced around with your tone authority and superiority (from her perspective) gave her a feeling that she enjoyed.

 

I mean, maybe this is the case for some, but everyone's experience is different. There are so many people from all walks of life who are touched by infidelity. It's impossible to generalize like this, which is why I presented my own experience above, which I realize may not speak for everyone.

 

In my case, xMM pursued me, I had met his wife once and took no interest in her or their life. She was a SAHM who had followed MM her whole adult life and didn't appear to have much of a life of her own apart from him (that said, I do not know her so this is just my perception). If he had left her, I would have felt extra terrible because her world would have collapsed far more than for many women who are more independent. I've never felt jealous of her life because it's not the type of life I would want for myself, and I have no desire to undermine someone else's life anyway. "What's going through my head" never had anything to do with some sort of competition with his wife. I only wished he had ended his marriage for real (not just in his head) before pursuing me. I hate hurting people and the idea that I have hurt her is very painful to me.

 

So, please don't generalize and make us all out to be competitive preditor types.

[Cymbeline]

Thank you both for your comments btw - I understand how hard it would be to stop but it's the self inflicted pain from the very start that confuzzles me.

[PickledHead]

The pain isn't there from the start and that's the problem.

 

When you get into it, you think you know what you are getting into an you think you won't develop huge feelings and you convince yourself you can Definately walk away at any time. This is a relationship that suits all parties. But then as time goes on that changes.

 

The OW who 'burnt out' at work during the time of the holiday was probably feeling sick to her stomach at the thought of MM with his W. He was on holiday and you don't think of the sticky weather and standard holiday arguments and burnt skin, disagreements about what to do, screaming kids.... You picture the brochure image of romance and sunsets and cocktails!

 

Once you have feelings the thought of the WS with their spouse is awful but you are in to deep to just walk. Just like for most WS, they get involved and think that they can handle the deal an they can deal with their AP on dates and with other people but once the A is in full flow that goes out of the window too.

 

This leads me onto another thought I had but I will start a seperate post rather than thread jack this one

[Daisy2013]

Picklehead's question about the mindset of a WS during an affair prompted me ask a question that I have wondered about for some time.

 

What is the mindset of an OW/M during an affair?

 

If the affair is secret then the marriage isn't as broken as all that. The WS goes home to family and family events probably come first. FB usually means that may be verified.

 

Why is that acceptable to an AP who presumably doesn't want to be a secret and tucked away quietly until the WS has spare time. What thoughts are running through their heads?

 

I read here that weekends are lonely. damuly holidays seems to be a time of considerable pain for the OW/M. My 'own' OW went off work with burn out and it coincided with our first family holiday. My WH stopped it later due to an almost d day and potential work issues, yet it restarted fairly quickly. I wonder how she was feeling and why?

 

When our second extended holiday was about to happen , she understandably said she didn't want to do it any more unless he wasn't married. He had always said he wouldn't leave but felt he was by then in love.

 

Why are holidays such an issue when the OW/M knows the WS already has a full family life? Why does someone volunteer for such a painful experience? I read about self esteem etc, but what are the thoughts and feelings that co exist with this spiral of hurt? I try hard to imagine them but I can't because I can't imagine purposely putting my hand in that fire.

 

It is bothering me quite a lot as I am trying to understand the young woman who was involved with my WH. She had worked for him. I am reasonably high profile in the office so she knew all about me and the children. What was in her mind?

 

Ugh, exactly this...weekends and vacations/holidays. A million times, this. In fact, it is the summer of his every other summer 2 week vacation and that is what spurred me to get out. My goal is to completely forget him while he is gone. Although I've started now because I don't want to experience that deep pain at that time.

 

Why we put ourselves through it all, who knows!! The person who could create an essential oil called "Common Sense," and maybe infused with some integrity, strength, wisdom and MM/MW amnesia, would make a fortune. I'd buy a case. I'd spend whatever I had to forget or have enough sense to not do it at all.

[elaine567]

For some it becomes an addiction.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi

 

I don't post much in this forum very much and since I was tricked by exMM I didn't know he was still M until much later so I can't give a comphrehensive response but I wanted to answer what I could.

 

(I also hold myself accountable for parts I played)

 

Any spouse who is in what THEY consider a good loving marriage doesn't have an affair. Ever. They take their vows, commitment, spouse, and perhaps family as their primary core and wouldn't do anything to jeopardise it. You use the phrase "the marriage isn't as broken as all that". Every marriage in which an A happens is broken, degree of what the BS sees asthenosphere depth of the break is unimportant, and Cymbeline, it is the WS who is broken as a person and who must take accountability for that. To further jeopardise the financial security of your family by conducting this at work which could possibly have led to termination of employment is a level of risk and disrespect that is mighty. I do hope that you are now being treated like a queen.

 

As for what the OW thinks, well for over a year I didn't know, but once I did, I never saw him in person again. Months later (after having been NC even though I didn't know what that was then) he came back with signed engagement letters from his divorce solicitor so I stupidly believed him. My thought process about the BW is nonsensical now, but what I thought in my stupid brain was: he doesn't love her, he hired a solicitor, he's getting divorced, she deserves to be free to find someone who will love her as he deserves to be free of someone he doesn't love. I felt sorry for her because I believed (because cheaters lie their bums off) that she was also unhappy. She knows about the A and was deeply hurt for which I apologised.

 

Staying on topic, you have many unanswered questions and muse about getting answers/information/closure. I agree with your friends. She may tell you of her experience which will uncover more painful details. She may tell you of her "truth" which could be a complete fantasy because your WH lied to her. She may as you described (because she knew he was married and you had been gracious to her in the past) be some kind of crazy nut who would get a huge ego stroke knowing you care. None of that helps you.

 

I'm surmising because of your "handle" that you are a fan of Shakespeare. I used to call exMM Hamlet. I told him "you are on stage in a play and all of the other actors don't know it's a play. They think it's their real authentic life. Get off the stage."

 

You are a strong woman. Do not show a chink in your armour to someone so clearly beneath you.

[minimariah]

If the affair is secret then the marriage isn't as broken as all that.

 

i'll chime in -- don't quite understand this statement. the affair being a secret has nothing to do with the state of one's marriage, IMHO. a marriage can still be broken & empty for the WS - folks stay for many different reasons, children & money and because... most of the time, it's simply easier that way.

 

my point is - most OWs/OMs aren't bothered or hurt by their WSs going home and don't see it as some kind of betrayal because they don't believe that their WSs are actually happy when they go home. they think of it as an obligation. like, he goes home to his wife because he needs to - not because he actually wants to. the man is CHEATING on his wife and telling you he loves YOU - you won't think that his marriage is anything less than dead & burried. especially if the emotions during the affair are strong and intense - it's hard to believe that there is anything MORE than that in the marriage.

 

i hd a young girl who had an affair with a man 28 years her senior - she was 21 at the time. the affair started at that age, lasted for about four years and he divorced - they have been married for 7 years now. when she first came in, it sounded like such a cliche affair & i was like... he will NOT leave and you need to pull yourself together. she came in, being sad and devastated that he left their meeting one day because his wife called. and i interpreted that as jealousy, at first. then she told me she wasn't jealous at all because she was certain her lover feels nothing in terms of romantic love for his wife anymore. she was just reminded of the fact that she needs to be patient before she can actually have him. and she had hopes and continued the affair - NONE of us thought he'd actually divorce - but he did. & it was he who left, too.

 

the hope is the worst thing - and everyone hangs on to their situation because they believe and hope for their happy ending. i'm sure your OW hoped for the same scenario.

 

Why are holidays such an issue when the OW/M knows the WS already has a full family life? Why does someone volunteer for such a painful experience?

 

because they fall in love & it's hard to resist a chance of MAYBE being happy. many WSs like yours divorced their wives and continued their lives with their OWs so folks usually hope that will happen for them, too. like i said - during the affair, the OW feels her and the WS have a very special connection. the wife is barely an afterthought.

 

also, WSs saying they won't live from the beginning means little - all of WSs i personally know who eventually divorced, said the exact same thing & changed their minds.

 

What was in her mind?

 

she thought he'd eventually leave. and she thought they'd be happy and she probably didn't think about you and the kids at all and if she did - she probably comforted herself with the same sentences as always: the kids will be better and happier if their father was happier, their marriage must be dead and it's bad for the kids, you deserve someone who'll be faithful to you so divorce is good, eventually it will be the right decision for everyone... sentences like that.

 

Would any of you think that is in any way a good idea?

 

what would you want to ask her and what kind of answers do tou expect from her? and i don't think that would be a good idea... trust me, you'll end up more hurt than ever - especially if she starts telling you the details of the affair.

Edited May 12, 2016 by minimariah

[Midwestmissy]

Since she only knew me through what she was told by my wh, it makes sense to me that she might get power from getting a piece if something that wasn't hers. She was also married btw. I'm a sahm, with a great education, she's the breadwinner in a notoriously low paying career that requires certification, not any degrees. Wh thinks she wanted to be with him and run the company as a power couple. It's quite sad, really. Since the original arrangement was fwb on a short term basis ("this will pass, it's not going to last") wh oversold me to make sure the ow knew he wouldn't leave his marriage. It just upped the competition. He wasn't going to leave his marriage, but by seeing her, he was inadvertently (?) showing her that she was worth the risk. Words vs actions. She's extremely competitive with other women (as per her coworkers) and I think that a level of envy and competition really keeps a person from being truly happy. She has a husband in an very honourable but also low paying job, and 4 healthy kids, but it wasn't enough for an unhappy woman. I was of course oblivious to the affair, but sick to my stomach about something I couldn't identify. I'd been discarded, then called crazy for suggesting the discard and detachment had happened. Interestingly, wh said he never had any opinion about the obs, and even arranged hotels for them since the last thing he wanted was for her marriage to end. The ow changed her hair to my cut and color and suggested moving into our home when I left for the summer.

 

I think her "enthusiasm" intensified as he took me on romantic trips. We found out afterwards that she had had affairs with every boss in her career. That came out after she was fired and clients who had left started coming back. Wh was humiliated. Wh went from feeling like the big successful desired man to just being the latest guy she'd opened her legs for - after he thought he was using her. When everything is based on deceits lies and 'persona of the day' it's hard to keep up the facade. He feels stupid now because he had viewed himself as more intelligent than she is. But he was using his little head and that wasn't very smart, lol. He's become a bit of a punch line to people who know, and she's onto her next mm. And she's still married with a bunch of kids. It's not very sexy at all.

 

Side note, it bothers me when I hear people say "she slept her way to the top." Women who aren't capable of a job won't get to the top no matter who they sleep with. The ow has blown her way through jobs for 25 yrs and it hasn't helped her at all. She's a dirty joke.

[EverySunset]

She's a dirty joke.

 

I could have written much of your story. So much, I had to check my phone history and see if I had actually been ghost writing your thread posts (kidding) but for one fact. My XwH had many in similar patterns. I used to think it was about power, too. Title. Position. Reputation. And maybe it was. But in the end, I had to rearrange my brain. It was more about just HIM.

 

He felt entitled. Rather than focus on all the lovely ladies, the not so lovely ladies, the honest but lonely girls and the downright predators. In the end, every girl who participated did it for different reasons.

 

But the only ones that mattered were his.

[Cymbeline]

I appreciate all these thoughtful answers. They are helpful, especially the confirmation that I must remain silent. My revenge fantasies are impressive. I amaze myself at my potential vindictiveness ( and I can easily blow her right up as I have her badly written emails.)

 

I've never quite subscribed to turning the other cheek but others, better than I, keep me on track.

 

So thanks and onwards. Hey ho.

[privategal]

I would say and forgive me if its been said but for me it was compartmentalizing. If I looked at the EA as a pie chart, Id say I gave his wife 1% thought.

If I ever thought of her I wished her well...if they were going on family vaca I hoped their time was so nice, Id wish thej well as I didnt want to steal her husband...my A existed in an alternate universe, it was seperate...I was a classic cake eater...wanted my own happiness and corner of the world with him but in no way wanted to change his life or for him to love her less or ever leabe her.

Your just swept away, mentally SO far away from reality and right and wrong you are just happy to feel loved and wanted. The A love isnt real love Im guessing...its endorphin love and surely must be what heroin feels like as it erased all my logic and boundaries.

I was raised in church all my life and completely ignored all logic of morals and right and wrong.

I had my own spouse...one of the most loving, giving, accepting, connected men you could ever know. The EA was strong enough to even superceed the fact I already had all the love one woman could ever need.

Its powerful and my heart goes out to ant BS who thinks its her fault...when really she lost her husband temporarily to a drug it seems..not a woman per se.

[minimariah]

I appreciate all these thoughtful answers. They are helpful, especially the confirmation that I must remain silent. My revenge fantasies are impressive.

 

i understand this part PERFECTLY! but you know what? those are just MOMENTS. and when that moment passes (and it will) - you'll be glad you didn't react. i've read your posts and you seem like a super mature, classy & dignified lady. so to take some kind of revenge (beyond just fantasizing about it) would totally be out of your character.

 

i know it hurts. trust me. there is this strong sense of injustice present. like, this person hurt you and you feel the need to confront her and shake her up and hold her accountable. but that will pass. and in the end, you will be glad you never reached out.

 

you have your family and your marriage. you're moving forward with your husband, one day at a time. but put yourself first, yeah? take care of YOU first. only then you can focus on your marriage.

 

did you talk to your husband about your anger & hurt towards the OW? is that something you discuss?

[Lady Hamilton]

Maybe my situation is different since his wife found out relatively quickly but our affair continued, but I figured it was still relevant...

 

In our case, yes, his marriage was broken, even when the affair was still secret. They weren't happy, everybody knew it, and whatever she says now or after the affair, before the affair she openly admitted their marriage was a broken disaster. The affair was secret because it was just another symptom of that broken disaster, but it would have made it worse.

 

Sure, he went home and sure he still did family events, usually her family, but while at home or at said events, he was texting me non-stop. He was "there," but he wasn't THERE. And while he didn't have FB, she certainly did and she took to that like a fish to water sharing pictures, but honestly, it was in one ear and out the other for me. The morning would be "Going with MM to family party with the babies, so romantic and so fun!!!! " and during the event would be pictures of her, the kids, a picture or two of him looking miserable, and a "having sooooooo much fun with my loves!!! ," but my evening it was "So sad MM didn't enjoy time with my family and spent the whole time texting. We argued in the car and he said I dragged him there. It's like he doesn't want to be here anymore. ." Meanwhile, behind the scenes, she knew he didn't want to be there and she knew he wanted out... So it was hard to take anything as serious on her FB. Especially since anytime they fought she smeared it all over FB.

 

And, honestly, I never was "tucked away" until he had spare time. He actually made time to see me, be with me, spend time with me. He spent way more time with me than at home, especially after she found out. I was clearly the priority. And time he spent with her felt like one would feel when they send their partner out-the-door to a job they hate. It's not easy, no, but it's a small window of time when the window you do have is better than the window you don't have.

 

Holidays were, honestly, not a big deal. I still saw him for part of the day. Even now for holidays (with us now married) between splitting time with the kids and our kids and his family and my family, there's a lot of coming and going.

 

For me, the hard, painful times were when we were going NC in an attempt to salvage the marriage, which we both knew would never happen. Things were said that were hurtful that echoed for quite awhile. The not knowing where he was but knowing he was still thinking about me and I was thinking about him and the wondering... That was hard.

 

Why did I put up with it? Well, for the same reasons WS reconciled with somebody who cheats on them. Love, the knowledge that the good times were really, really good, and the belief that one day the hard stuff won't matter. You're through the other side and a normal life is the reality, not an affair.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Disillusioned_2011]

Picklehead's question about the mindset of a WS during an affair prompted me ask a question that I have wondered about for some time.

 

What is the mindset of an OW/M during an affair?

 

It is bothering me quite a lot as I am trying to understand the young woman who was involved with my WH. She had worked for him. I am reasonably high profile in the office so she knew all about me and the children. What was in her mind?

 

I think a lot of it has to do with the excitement wrt the forbidden fruit, competitiveness, and feeling superior (to the BS) and in control (of the WS).

After all, HE takes a risk for YOU (OW), and could lose everything in the process. So you have to be worth it --> ego boost. That can be addictive, and before you know it, you're way in deep and can't get out. I think not EVERY OW is bothered by the fact that her AP "goes home" and spends the holidays and weekends with family. They see it more of an obligation, which he doesn't want to but has to fulfill. If he cheats on his W he's apparently more romantically interested in somebody else. So why be jealous? Yes - if you want an official R with him, it'll get tricky.

But not necessarily due to jealous emotions, I think it's more because of the "back burner position" / waiting position that you are being pushed into as an OW. That can get annoying pretty quickly, esp if you're expected to schedule around his family plans. I don't think it's jealousy per se, though.

[ShamanLover]

I might have some insight to offer here. Please forgive the stream of consciousness nature of my musings...

 

When my MM approached me, I had not dated seriously for several years after an extremely painful breakup (initiated by me). I was missing physical intimacy in my life but did not yet feel ready for, or interested in, a romantic relationship. We were distant colleagues (I worked for a company that was one of his accounts), and, after discovering some common interests, our conversations started to become more personal, we connected outside work on social media, which led to exchanging phone numbers, then meeting outside work under the auspices of professional networking.

 

After the second of such meetings, it became obvious to me that he had an ulterior agenda and I called him on it, saying he was either in an open marriage and had some kind of don't ask don't tell arrangement, that he and his wife were seeking a third (I had been approached by couples for this purpose in the past), or he was looking to have an affair. This led to a long conversation, but the bottom line was that, as much as he would prefer it had been one of the first two scenarios, his wife had made it clear when they met that she was not, and never would be, into alternative arrangements (the girlfriend he had had before her was bi and very sexually experimental and adventurous, but had badly broken his heart, so he concurred). He loved his wife but they were not on the same page sexually, either in terms of appetite or proclivities, and though he had successfully used porn as an outlet for the first years of their relationship, he had found his "disappointment, frustration and resentment" building to the point where it was threatening what was otherwise a satisfactory marriage that he had no interest in ending.

 

My relationship history is relevant here because I had always been the kind of girl that men wanted to take home to their mothers - the quality catch (I've been proposed to by every serious boyfriend I have ever had) - and as soon as it became clear to the men I was with that I was LTR material, the sexual energy tended to shift. And while making love can be fantastic, raw, primal sex is a whole other animal, and having more of one doesn't necessarily diminish your desire for the other. I had been a serial monogamist all of my life, had never had my "wild days", was in my sexual prime and didn't want to reach menopause having any regrets.

 

Enter MM. I thought he was "safe", in the sense that he wasn't someone I would have seen myself being in a relationship with even if he had been available, and he wouldn't want to marry me (as he was clearly contentedly committed elsewhere), so he wouldn't put me on that pedestal, and the whole Madonna-whore dynamic wouldn't be triggered, and I could explore my sexuality in a unique way. This wasn't entirely conscious at the time, but has become clearer in retrospect. I didn't feel guilty for the simple reason that I was not the one who had made the commitment. I have never cheated on a boyfriend, nor would I. Ironically, one of the reasons I didn't see this guy as relationship material is that I didn't respect him - I thought if there were problems in his marriage that he should man up and either fix them or get out, but it didn't affect me directly in this scenario (and was actually a bonus because his character flaws meant I was less likely to fall for him).

 

Well, I'm sure you won't be surprised to read that, as good as it all looked on paper in terms of compatible reasons for entering into an affair, and expectations as to its outcome, this whole thing backfired in a most spectacular fashion (which is why I am here at all - I think other posters are correct in that we don't tend to hear about the success stories on this board, so the stats are necessarily skewed). I won't go into detail at this time because it is beyond the scope of this particular discussion, but I do think it is relevant to add that the pain I've experienced in the aftermath was not because he didn't leave his wife for me (I genuinely never wanted that), but because the sex, chemistry, connection, etc. were beyond anything either of us anticipated, and I wanted it to continue indefinitely exactly as it was. I harbour no delusions that that would have changed if he became my primary partner... the experience was extraordinary not in spite of the fact that he was unavailable, but BECAUSE of it.

 

So many people on these boards bemoan the fact that affairs occur outside of reality as if that is a strike against it, while I actually think that is one of their most attractive features. It's an escape from our everyday lives. Like playing a fantasy game or creating an online avatar - it gives you license to temporarily leave all of your everyday stresses, responsibilities, worries, complexes, baggage, etc. at the door, enter a "what happens in this room stays in this room" parallel universe, give expression to parts of yourself that are considered taboo elsewhere, let all of your shadow elements out to play without bleeding into and blowing up the rest of your world. That released energy - that sense of liberation - can then actually enhance the rest of your life, both by providing a pressure valve (my MM claimed it made him a happier, more productive person and, as absurd as it sounds, a much better husband, at least until his emotions started to get involved) and releasing suppressed energy that could then be channeled into creative and constructive pursuits in the "real world".

 

I could go on forever, but I'll leave it there for now... I hope I've added something new to the conversation.

[Cymbeline]

I might have some insight to offer here. Please forgive the stream of consciousness nature of my musings...

 

When my MM approached me, I had not dated seriously for several years after an extremely painful breakup (initiated by me). I was missing physical intimacy in my life but did not yet feel ready for, or interested in, a romantic relationship. We were distant colleagues (I worked for a company that was one of his accounts), and, after discovering some common interests, our conversations started to become more personal, we connected outside work on social media, which led to exchanging phone numbers, then meeting outside work under the auspices of professional networking.

 

After the second of such meetings, it became obvious to me that he had an ulterior agenda and I called him on it, saying he was either in an open marriage and had some kind of don't ask don't tell arrangement, that he and his wife were seeking a third (I had been approached by couples for this purpose in the past), or he was looking to have an affair. This led to a long conversation, but the bottom line was that, as much as he would prefer it had been one of the first two scenarios, his wife had made it clear when they met that she was not, and never would be, into alternative arrangements (the girlfriend he had had before her was bi and very sexually experimental and adventurous, but had badly broken his heart, so he concurred). He loved his wife but they were not on the same page sexually, either in terms of appetite or proclivities, and though he had successfully used porn as an outlet for the first years of their relationship, he had found his "disappointment, frustration and resentment" building to the point where it was threatening what was otherwise a satisfactory marriage that he had no interest in ending.

 

My relationship history is relevant here because I had always been the kind of girl that men wanted to take home to their mothers - the quality catch (I've been proposed to by every serious boyfriend I have ever had) - and as soon as it became clear to the men I was with that I was LTR material, the sexual energy tended to shift. And while making love can be fantastic, raw, primal sex is a whole other animal, and having more of one doesn't necessarily diminish your desire for the other. I had been a serial monogamist all of my life, had never had my "wild days", was in my sexual prime and didn't want to reach menopause having any regrets.

 

Enter MM. I thought he was "safe", in the sense that he wasn't someone I would have seen myself being in a relationship with even if he had been available, and he wouldn't want to marry me (as he was clearly contentedly committed elsewhere), so he wouldn't put me on that pedestal, and the whole Madonna-whore dynamic wouldn't be triggered, and I could explore my sexuality in a unique way. This wasn't entirely conscious at the time, but has become clearer in retrospect. I didn't feel guilty for the simple reason that I was not the one who had made the commitment. I have never cheated on a boyfriend, nor would I. Ironically, one of the reasons I didn't see this guy as relationship material is that I didn't respect him - I thought if there were problems in his marriage that he should man up and either fix them or get out, but it didn't affect me directly in this scenario (and was actually a bonus because his character flaws meant I was less likely to fall for him).

 

Well, I'm sure you won't be surprised to read that, as good as it all looked on paper in terms of compatible reasons for entering into an affair, and expectations as to its outcome, this whole thing backfired in a most spectacular fashion (which is why I am here at all - I think other posters are correct in that we don't tend to hear about the success stories on this board, so the stats are necessarily skewed). I won't go into detail at this time because it is beyond the scope of this particular discussion, but I do think it is relevant to add that the pain I've experienced in the aftermath was not because he didn't leave his wife for me (I genuinely never wanted that), but because the sex, chemistry, connection, etc. were beyond anything either of us anticipated, and I wanted it to continue indefinitely exactly as it was. I harbour no delusions that that would have changed if he became my primary partner... the experience was extraordinary not in spite of the fact that he was unavailable, but BECAUSE of it.

 

So many people on these boards bemoan the fact that affairs occur outside of reality as if that is a strike against it, while I actually think that is one of their most attractive features. It's an escape from our everyday lives. Like playing a fantasy game or creating an online avatar - it gives you license to temporarily leave all of your everyday stresses, responsibilities, worries, complexes, baggage, etc. at the door, enter a "what happens in this room stays in this room" parallel universe, give expression to parts of yourself that are considered taboo elsewhere, let all of your shadow elements out to play without bleeding into and blowing up the rest of your world. That released energy - that sense of liberation - can then actually enhance the rest of your life, both by providing a pressure valve (my MM claimed it made him a happier, more productive person and, as absurd as it sounds, a much better husband, at least until his emotions started to get involved) and releasing suppressed energy that could then be channeled into creative and constructive pursuits in the "real world".

 

I could go on forever, but I'll leave it there for now... I hope I've added something new to the conversation.

 

Yes I think this is interesting and describes my WH 's approach a little. He didn't seem to realise what had hit him when they stopped it. He recognised eventually it wasnt love but he manifested all the compulsive behaviours I read about here. I can't say it made him a better husband though. I was confused and had to fix him as well.

 

So many fascinating insights from people.

[Cymbeline]

'i understand this part PERFECTLY! but you know what? those are just MOMENTS. and when that moment passes (and it will) - you'll be glad you didn't react. i've read your posts and you seem like a super mature, classy & dignified lady. so to take some kind of revenge (beyond just fantasizing about it) would totally be out of your character.

 

i know it hurts. trust me. there is this strong sense of injustice present. like, this person hurt you and you feel the need to confront her and shake her up and hold her accountable. but that will pass. and in the end, you will be glad you never reached out.

 

you have your family and your marriage. you're moving forward with your husband, one day at a time. but put yourself first, yeah? take care of YOU first. only then you can focus on your marriage.

 

did you talk to your husband about your anger & hurt towards the OW? is that something you discuss?'

 

Thank you for this sympathetic, sage advice. We haven't discussed it enough or constructively enough at least.. he is utterly mortified and stunned to a kind of paralysis at himself and the destruction he has wrought upon her as well as me and I've never seen him deal with anything so badly.

 

I have endless support but have had to support him as well as myself ( although he has recently taken significant action and study to make sense of this period of his life which he now seems to feel was a kind of illusion he was in). It's hard to explain why I stuck around but I've been with him forever.

[minimariah]

It's hard to explain why I stuck around but I've been with him forever.

 

no need to explain - i completely understand. you have a lot of happy memories and long years with this man, a family --- it's super hard to walk away from that. and i assume you still love him & that he loves you.

 

do you think discussing this with your husband or maybe with a therapist would help? maybe it's time for you to focus only on you and support yourself. supporting both of you seems exhausting.

 

you're obviously both stunned and trying to make sense out of the situation... keep your head up. take it one day at a time and take a break if you need it - just move away from it all and do something you love with people you love. analzying is good but... don't let it overwhelm you.

Edited May 12, 2016 by minimariah