Heartbroken

[stillafool]

OP, I think WhoKnew blamed you for not getting married because in your earlier post you said it was you who didn't want to get married, not just to him but to anybody.

 

I think part of the problem here is that you two started acting and living like adults when you were both still kids. Having kids at 19 and 23 is alot of responsiblity for such young people and neither of you got to live your life before settling down. I'm sure he loves you and those kids very much but he never got the chance to date other girls (in their 20s when he was in his 20s). Now the desire to live his youth is upon him, he has tasted the fruit, and more than likely wants more. It will not be a pleasant life for you having to constantly police his activities and sooner or later he will get tired because you will have turned into his mother rather than a gf. Is this what you want for your future?

[Whoknew30]

so, I should blame my affair on his lack of emotional support? that lack is not equal or even on the same plane as my affair. And even though it needs to be addressed, it was not the cause of my affair. MY inability to handle it was.

 

It's not blame it's motive. You cheated bc you're relationship was broken & handled it wrong. Would you have cheated if your relationship wasn't broken? See the difference, to get to the root of one's actions & issues isn't just repeating how wrong your action was...that should be obvious. Now if a WS doesn't think the A was wrong or isn't willing/showing change then that's different story. I'm basing this on honest reconciliation. My H lack of emotional support was worse than cheating for me. I would have rather just have dealt cheating alone. So it's all about perspective but cheating does not mean the other issues in the relationship didn't cause a huge breakdown before the cheating was ever committed. Reconciliation is about the WHOLE relationship & deep personal issues each person has, once again...cheating is a symptom of a bigger issues with in a person or the relationship...you don't get down to the root & only focus on the symptom...true reconciliation will not happen.

[katielee]

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think cheating is a symptom of a broken person, not a broken relationship. Some folks have perfectly good marriages and still cheat. Some have dysfunction and abuse and don't cheat. Its an immature reaction to not being able to handle something. What caused that something is an entirely different thing to deal with. And I'm not entirely sure people wouldn't cheat if there wasn't something to blame or motive to point to. There are some pretty convenient excuses out there.

[Whoknew30]

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think cheating is a symptom of a broken person, not a broken relationship. Some folks have perfectly good marriages and still cheat. Some have dysfunction and abuse and don't cheat. Its an immature reaction to not being able to handle something. What caused that something is an entirely different thing to deal with. And I'm not entirely sure people wouldn't cheat if there wasn't something to blame or motive to point to. There are some pretty convenient excuses out there.

 

Some only cheat or have bc of a broken relationship, bc that's the only relationship they ever cheated in. A lot of things are a immature reaction in a relationship. If you can't communicate with your SO, that's immature, you hide emotionally when your SO needs you that's immature. You bra beat your spouse all the time, that's immature...these all can break down a relationship to divorce. There is no excuse for any bad behavior in a marriage, that causes a breakdown of the relationship. The only thing IMO that make people think cheating is the worst thing, is it causes insecurity for the BS...which is understandable. Although me personally, was never affected by that part, my H was at first but he has always been emotionally weaker than me...hence the reason he ran from me while sick which caused a major breakdown in our marriage...which was absolutely just as bad as "cheating".

 

I owned my wrongs but I can honestly say, if he hadn't checked out on me, I would have never cheated. Wether wrong or right, every action has a reaction.

 

Though I do have to ask you...continuing just to focus on the actual cheating helps your relationship in what way? I would think to hold on to that part without figuring out the deeper issues would be just plain torture.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Our relationship was not broken....I was not broken....I looked for reasons to be mad at my husband because the opportunity to cheat came along. I found them.

 

No relationship is without issues...no person is without issues. That means the whole world has a "reason" to cheat...because in some way or other...we are all broken. Right?

[Whoknew30]

Our relationship was not broken....I was not broken....I looked for reasons to be mad at my husband because the opportunity to cheat came along. I found them.

 

No relationship is without issues...no person is without issues. That means the whole world has a "reason" to cheat...because in some way or other...we are all broken. Right?

 

My Aunt had a revenge A, she would have never cheated if her H hadn't continued to do it first...I wouldn't have cheated if my H didn't do what he did. My point is some people are broken bc of their broken relationship. I 100% agree we all have issues & some of handle it eye for an eye, is it right...not exactly but it can be understood. Murder is wrong & illegal but can't you understand it from a perspective of a parent murdering their child's rapist? It's still wrong, they're still going to jail but people can understand it. I look at cheating the same, sometimes out of left field sometimes you can comprehend why, even if it's not the right thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My Aunt had a revenge A, she would have never cheated if her H hadn't continued to do it first...I wouldn't have cheated if my H didn't do what he did. My point is some people are broken bc of their broken relationship. I 100% agree we all have issues & some of handle it eye for an eye, is it right...not exactly but it can be understood. Murder is wrong & illegal but can't you understand it from a perspective of a parent murdering their child's rapist? It's still wrong, they're still going to jail but people can understand it. I look at cheating the same, sometimes out of left field sometimes you can comprehend why, even if it's not the right thing.

 

But somebody had to start the process.....I had an affair...John had a reactive affair. He would have not had his affair if I had not had my affair.

 

Neither of us was right...both of us damaged the marriage.

 

But the reason for my affair was because I wanted to...not because John had done something wrong.

 

In every relationship...we can "pick" something to validate our response and our actions. That is exactly what I did. I needed a reason to validate my response of cheating. My reason? John was being a jerk. There you go.

[Whoknew30]

But somebody had to start the process.....I had an affair...John had a reactive affair. He would have not had his affair if I had not had my affair.

 

Neither of us was right...both of us damaged the marriage.

 

But the reason for my affair was because I wanted to...not because John had done something wrong.

 

In every relationship...we can "pick" something to validate our response and our actions. That is exactly what I did. I needed a reason to validate my response of cheating. My reason? John was being a jerk. There you go.

 

I said relationship broken or person. In your case if you just wanted to have an A, just bc, then IMO (at that time) you were broken & your H became broken & made a wrong choice bc of his relationship being broken bc of your action. I agree cheating is always wrong but one could comprehend his A better than yours...doesn't make it right just more understandable. Would he have cheated if you had not? & maybe he needed to do that for you both to be on a even playing field? Could he have forgiven/stayed with you if he himself didn't do it? I don't think my H would have stayed if he himself hadn't done it too...he has/had to much of an ego at the time. I could have forgive it even if I hadn't had an A myself but he couldn't have.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Whoknew30

[Mr. Lucky]

I owned my wrongs but I can honestly say, if he hadn't checked out on me, I would have never cheated. Wether wrong or right, every action has a reaction.

 

Once a WS has decided to cheat, it's pretty easy to find an action to react to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

Once a WS has decided to cheat, it's pretty easy to find an action to react to...

 

Mr. Lucky[/quote

 

Yes but sone people would have never decided to cheat if it had not been for a action or behavior from their spouse. That's why relationships & A (& humans alone) are such a complicated thing. If it was all as easy as black & white, these threads would cease to exist.

[Mr. Lucky]

Once a WS has decided to cheat, it's pretty easy to find an action to react to...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes but sone people would have never decided to cheat if it had not been for a action or behavior from their spouse. That's why relationships & A (& humans alone) are such a complicated thing. If it was all as easy as black & white, these threads would cease to exist.

 

Whether one cheats or not is black and white.

 

What spouse doesn't occasionally - or consistently - have a behavior that might cause resentment? The issue isn't whether you should react, it's about the choice of infidelity as the reaction.

 

"He started it" isn't much justification for cheating...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Which is exactly why i said...we all have issues...every relationship has issues...so we can all justify the choice to cheat.

 

I have all kinds of crap in my background...but none of them is a valid reason...or excuse...to cheat.

 

My issues may have played a part in my ability to choose to cheat...but they certainly don't validate it.

 

Whoknew30...you know I adore you...but there are times when you say things....or maybe it's the way you say it...that indicates that you believe your husband is to blame for your cheating. Now I KNOW that's not what you mean to say...but that is how it comes off.....and then it sets betrayed ears ringing. I know you are a very compassionate woman....and I know you truly care about others and are not trying to incite....(like others we know).....

 

I believe we are saying the same thing...differently. There is ALWAYS a reason....why we are who we are...why we do what we do....none of those reasons validates bad behavior.

[S2B]

Once a WS has decided to cheat, it's pretty easy to find an action to react to...

 

Mr. Lucky[/quote

 

Yes but sone people would have never decided to cheat if it had not been for a action or behavior from their spouse. That's why relationships & A (& humans alone) are such a complicated thing. If it was all as easy as black & white, these threads would cease to exist.

 

My exH cheated - and I chose not to cheat on him.

 

Doing to another person the harm they caused time does not EVER make it ok.

 

I have my OWN integrity to guide me. Stooping down to someone else's low standards does not make it ok or pretty.

[Whoknew30]

Which is exactly why i said...we all have issues...every relationship has issues...so we can all justify the choice to cheat.

 

I have all kinds of crap in my background...but none of them is a valid reason...or excuse...to cheat.

 

My issues may have played a part in my ability to choose to cheat...but they certainly don't validate it.

 

Whoknew30...you know I adore you...but there are times when you say things....or maybe it's the way you say it...that indicates that you believe your husband is to blame for your cheating. Now I KNOW that's not what you mean to say...but that is how it comes off.....and then it sets betrayed ears ringing. I know you are a very compassionate woman....and I know you truly care about others and are not trying to incite....(like others we know).....

 

I believe we are saying the same thing...differently. There is ALWAYS a reason....why we are who we are...why we do what we do....none of those reasons validates bad behavior.

 

It's not blame for my cheating, it's explanation of my relationship being broken to the point where I didn't care about cheating. Both spouses need to take ownership of things when a relationship is off, I needed to take ownership of my cheating & he needed to take ownership of why our relationship was to that point.

 

My point is any bad behavior that can cause a breakup in a relationship, is inexcusable, not just cheating. So let's say, I quit sleeping with my H, I'm not giving emotionally & not communicating & he's tried to talk to me about it over & over & I ignore it, then I find out he's cheating...should I just focus on the cheating as that's what ruined my relationship? His cheating is wrong but the behavior I mentioned has been just as detrimental to the marriage, so while in reconciliation if I only focus on the cheating as the issue & not look at my own bad behavior as just as bad to my marriage...how can we have a real reconciliation?

 

That was my situation with my H. Does not ok my cheating but if he just focused on the cheating part as the only thing that was the problem, we could have never reconciled. I would have left him. I think when spouses start that, well what I've done is not as bad as your cheating is when reconciliation is almost impossible & way harder to obtain.

[Whoknew30]

 

My exH cheated - and I chose not to cheat on him.

 

Doing to another person the harm they caused time does not EVER make it ok.

 

I have my OWN integrity to guide me. Stooping down to someone else's low standards does not make it ok or pretty.

 

This comes in many different ways. Some BS have really ugly behaviors that don't include cheating back that they "ok" bc they were cheated on...once again my point is any ugly behavior isn't ok.

[Whoknew30]

Whether one cheats or not is black and white.

 

What spouse doesn't occasionally - or consistently - have a behavior that might cause resentment? The issue isn't whether you should react, it's about the choice of infidelity as the reaction.

 

"He started it" isn't much justification for cheating...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I disagree, if you have a consistent behavior that your spouse has spoken to you about & you continue to the point your relationship is breaking down from it (a legit bad behavior) it's just as selfish as having an affair. I'm not talking a annoyance. So by what you're saying is as if a behavior is worth your marriage, that isn't betrayal in itself. Betrayal doesn't just come from cheating.

[Mr. Lucky]

I disagree, if you have a consistent behavior that your spouse has spoken to you about & you continue to the point your relationship is breaking down from it (a legit bad behavior) it's just as selfish as having an affair.

 

I agree and I think most other reasonable posters would too.

 

So by what you're saying is as if a behavior is worth your marriage, that isn't betrayal in itself. Betrayal doesn't just come from cheating.

 

No, what I'm saying is that the slippery slope starts when you define your actions solely in the context of your spouse's behavior and not your own. If the behavior has rendered your marriage worthless, there's a long list of remedial actions that don't include - or justify - infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

the slippery slope starts when you define your actions solely in the context of your spouse's behavior and not your own.

Mr. Lucky

 

this^^^^^^

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's not blame for my cheating, it's explanation of my relationship being broken to the point where I didn't care about cheating. Both spouses need to take ownership of things when a relationship is off, I needed to take ownership of my cheating & he needed to take ownership of why our relationship was to that point.

 

My point is any bad behavior that can cause a breakup in a relationship, is inexcusable, not just cheating. So let's say, I quit sleeping with my H, I'm not giving emotionally & not communicating & he's tried to talk to me about it over & over & I ignore it, then I find out he's cheating...should I just focus on the cheating as that's what ruined my relationship? His cheating is wrong but the behavior I mentioned has been just as detrimental to the marriage, so while in reconciliation if I only focus on the cheating as the issue & not look at my own bad behavior as just as bad to my marriage...how can we have a real reconciliation?

 

That was my situation with my H. Does not ok my cheating but if he just focused on the cheating part as the only thing that was the problem, we could have never reconciled. I would have left him. I think when spouses start that, well what I've done is not as bad as your cheating is when reconciliation is almost impossible & way harder to obtain.

 

 

There are many "reasons" couples divorce....money, children, family, jobs....lack of communication, insecurities, sexual incompatibility....on and on.

 

Seldom is there one "reason"....but an accumulation of extenuating circumstances contributes to the erosion of a relationship.

 

Most people do not have an affair for no "reason". The issue comes when the "reasons" become excuses and validations for poor choices and disgusting behavior.

 

But I will confess this...had there not been an opportunity for me to cheat....I would never have divorced John because I was upset with him. You may have divorced your husband....but I would not have.

 

So the bottom line is this...each case is different....and there is no one size fits all.

 

You have made assumptions about the op in this thread which is how this twist has taken the thread away from her.

 

She may not have been married to this man...but they were a committed couple and family in every way. He had no excuse to have an affair...no reason...she did not deserve this...no matter what the relationship was like.

[Whoknew30]

I agree and I think most other reasonable posters would too.

 

 

 

No, what I'm saying is that the slippery slope starts when you define your actions solely in the context of your spouse's behavior and not your own. If the behavior has rendered your marriage worthless, there's a long list of remedial actions that don't include - or justify - infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't think any of the behaviors I mentioned are justified if your spouse has spoken about it & you do nothing to change it. I read a lot on here people saying no justification for cheating (which I agree) but they'll justify other actions bc it wasn't "bad" as cheating & I think that's extremely hypocritical...any behavior that can cause a divorce is just as bad as anything...or it wouldn't cause someone to think about or want a divorce. I'm not justifying cheating, but I'm saying others shouldn't justify their wrongs bc they didn't cheat. It's not way to truly fix a relationship...if that's what is wanted.

[Whoknew30]

There are many "reasons" couples divorce....money, children, family, jobs....lack of communication, insecurities, sexual incompatibility....on and on.

 

Seldom is there one "reason"....but an accumulation of extenuating circumstances contributes to the erosion of a relationship.

 

Most people do not have an affair for no "reason". The issue comes when the "reasons" become excuses and validations for poor choices and disgusting behavior.

 

But I will confess this...had there not been an opportunity for me to cheat....I would never have divorced John because I was upset with him. You may have divorced your husband....but I would not have.

 

So the bottom line is this...each case is different....and there is no one size fits all.

 

You have made assumptions about the op in this thread which is how this twist has taken the thread away from her.

 

She may not have been married to this man...but they were a committed couple and family in every way. He had no excuse to have an affair...no reason...she did not deserve this...no matter what the relationship was like.

 

 

My original meaning to this post (which got way off topic) was being a baby's mama isn't what makes a relationship & if you want the respect of a SO, you have to make it a priority. You don't get it from just having kids, which she repeated "I'm the mother of your kids". Kids should never be the reason a relationship works or the reason you get respect, that should come being a SO alone.. She made it point to say "like my parents" you don't just assume your relationship is like your parents. You make your own relationship & discuss it.

[Lobe]

Hi PHM. I'm (fairly) new here, too (veteran lurker, new poster) and I could have practically written your emotional journey out word for word, including the hysterical bonding with my WS. On one hand, barf. On the other hand, it was actually very much needed. I'm glad you got tested for STDs and I pray that your test comes back negative for HSV2 - that's a life sentence. I'd be using condoms with WH for the rest of our lives if either of our tests had come back positive for HSV2 (luckily we're both STD-free.) What you probably should do though is let the "she felt sorry for your WH" boyfriend know that your WS tested positive for an STD. Actually, all of his partners should be informed - reactivate his Facebook (deleting the account doesn't make it go away) and let his sexual partners know to get tested (they're probably on there, except maybe the prostitute... do street walkers have FB?!)

 

As you'll quickly see (and if you've been lurking have already seen) there are some very strong opinions, and you kind of have to pick what you need and let the rest go. FWIW, I too feel like a piece of paper isn't going to stop an affair from happening (didn't in my case) nor do I think it's gives anyone the impression that they have a license to be unfaithful because they have not declared their union in the eyes of god or the law or whatever. I avoided marriage for a long time not because I didn't want to get married but because a) I had absolutely ZERO desire to be in the limelight and b) I'd rather spend the money on something useful, like college tuition for one of the kids or maybe a lifetime of slurpee money... In the end, after having kids and buying houses and flipping through several cars and careers, we had a very intimate civil ceremony at our home that cost about $150 including the license and my dress. It certainly did not make our marriage bulletproof, but it did make it easier to get passports. That counts for something, right?

 

You're still so early on. I'm only a year and a half post d-day, but it's a world of difference being a year+ out than it was a month+ out. Based on things that have been useful in our reconciliation (and my healing) process, here's my 200 bits:

 

1) Take care of YOU. Good call laying off the alcohol, get lots of sleep and exercise, and most importantly, consider IC, immediately; for now, you only need to do you and MC can come later - right now you need to look after YOU and he needs to figure out his own crap so he has something of value to bring to the table when MC starts. IC was THEE best thing I did for myself. My WH got a crappy referral and had to shop for someone who had more to offer than recommending books we had already read and telling him he needed to uncover his hidden passion (barf) but my therapist was the bomb. She took zero crap from me, gave me awesome journal exercises (I need to write to process), and helped me find the spine I needed to do the 180. I also highly recommend at least a couple of family counselling sessions - your kids are old enough to know more than you think they do, and they might need a neutral 3rd party to vent their fears and concerns to, especially if you've chosen to exclude your family. (As a side note, kids have big mouths - if your daughter knows and she has cousins she feels close or even just comfortable with, news might one day spread anyway...)

 

2) MAKE your husband read this (super short) Linda MacDonald book with you, because you BOTH need it. You're going to get whiplash nodding along with how accurately she described the things you think/feel, and your WH will get an eye-opener. You said you're not religious and there's a teeny tiny bit of God stuff in this one, but not like some of the heavy duty Christian-based books that people who are deeply faithful might prefer. It's free online here: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

 

3) I have a girlfriend who was in counselling with her hubby because neither of them was sure if they thought they had something left to save after 11 years of marriage. He made them do an exercise involving making a "fake" separation agreement. "Sh*t suddenly got really real," is a direct quote from her. They're still together almost 3 years later, and she credits the "reality check" of doing a "fake" separation agreement as being the turning point. Start drafting a separation agreement, so that *if* the time comes, you have something to present to your husband and lawyer. You seem to be a writer (like me) so you'll probably find catharsis in writing out a plan for everything from division of assets to reasonable visitation, even if you never have to use it. I ended up using mine (for real) about a week after d-day when he left to stay with family and figure out what he wanted. I think going to a lawyer to get it notarized was actually the first wake-up call for WH - he was asking to come home days later.

 

4) Now that he knows you're checking his phone when he's asleep or not paying attention, you've basically trained him to erase his history before he goes to bed or logs off, so unless he's a complete moron, you will likely find nothing but a squeaky clean history going forward. Your husband lost his right to feel a sense of privacy when he decided to put his privates in a public space (and when I say public space, I mean a prostitute's vagina), so if you want to check his phone, you should check it and not worry about his feelings. Check it. Frequently, and randomly. Ask him to hand it over, without feeling embarrassed for the mistrust HE caused you to feel. If you don't want to admit you're checking up on him, you can just say, "Hey, my phone's dead, can I borrow yours for a second?" If (like my WH) he just hands it over, you're probably good. If he tries to stall, you know something is probably up, and chances are it's not that he's surprising you with a new puppy... This one I'm still learning, but honour that gut feeling, honour those triggers, honour those little red flags. This was (and still is) the hardest thing for me because I hate feeling the mistrust.

 

5) Don't obsess. I realize this is a direct contradiction of point 4) above, but since you mentioned it, I'm talking more about things like haunting the woman he was texting, his former buddy, etc. You'll drive yourself sh*thouse rat crazy. Block them on your personal FB page so you don't have to see them. My WH's OW has a personal blog that was addictive, so I found this great plug-in that every time I google her name or put in her blog address, it redirects to a youtube video of my wedding song. The reason I did this was because it's not HER fault that my husband had an affair, and reading the sh*t she was writing about me, my family, her feelings towards my WH was serving only to undermine the progress I was making towards healing. (the OW actually "dedicated" Melanie Martin's song "Dollhouse" to me - link to the youtube video not the OW's pathetic blog - sorry to disappoint lol.) I read something about how if a WS invests the same amount of time and energy wooing their spouse back as they did on their AP, the BS heals faster, and I thought OK - that's gotta be a two-way street. I didn't want to spend any time or energy thinking about her when my focus needed to be on healing the relationship with WH and our family. Added bonus - if my husband ever tries to google her, he gets to hear our wedding song, too. Winning!!! ~evil laughter goes here~

 

6) Affairs can only happen when there is enough time and space for them to happen, whether the time and space already existed because of a growing distance between you and WH, or because WH created the time and space when the opportunity presented itself. (Maybe a bit of both? that's for you to decide.) Anyways. Look for the loopholes that existed/developed allowing the affair to happen, and close them. Were you taking each other for granted? Complacent? Had you grown apart? Were you fighting lots? Not talking at all? Was the affair something that happened because the opportunity came up, or was there something hubby was looking for? (And no, that does not mean something you weren't giving him that he had to look for, but something lacking inside of him that he didn't tell you about and chose to address by self-medicating with, you know, a second stab at adolescence and a sex trade worker...)

 

My WH had to look at all the ways he rewritten our marriage history and completely unravel the lies he had been telling himself before he could begin healing. He realized in IC that he had been feeling "restless" for years - a midlife crisis kind of "is this all there is to life?" thing. In the months leading up to the affair he had begun to dabble in everything from astrology and yoga to going gluten free and vegan, and I not only supported but encouraged him because it was less pressure on me to feel guilty about turning him down for sex (my issue due to weight gain) and trying to grasp how my previously rational life partner had a newfound need to find out if Mercury was retrograde before making major decisions like what tie to buy. He was already "searching" for something, so when I pushed him out the door to explore and the OW showed up instead of spiritual enlightenment, it was just the perfect storm - he thought "fate" had brought them together. (again, barf)

 

I was angry at myself and in those initial days both my husband and I blamed ME for the affair. I was incredibly hard on myself for being so blind and stupid (I wasn't, I just trusted my gaslighting husband) and while I can now acknowledge the part I played in creating the perfect storm, I no longer accept any blame for his poor life choices. I've come a long way, baby. He doesn't read his horoscope daily, put coconut oil on everything, or ask for the tofu substitute in his butter chicken anymore, so he's come a long way, too...

 

That's all I've got. According to most folks here (and experts who study affairs and write books) 2-5 years is the time we need to give ourselves to level up and not relive the affair every waking moment. Like I said, I'm still in the relatively early stages of my own reconciliation and we have many hurdles left to get over still, but there is hope and help here. It sounds like your WH is trying, and is willing to get help. Run with that.

 

Big hugs to you. (Except only virtual hugs because if this was IRL I would probably punch you for coming into my bubble... nothing personal... )

[Mrs. John Adams]

My original meaning to this post (which got way off topic) was being a baby's mama isn't what makes a relationship & if you want the respect of a SO, you have to make it a priority. You don't get it from just having kids, which she repeated "I'm the mother of your kids". Kids should never be the reason a relationship works or the reason you get respect, that should come being a SO alone.. She made it point to say "like my parents" you don't just assume your relationship is like your parents. You make your own relationship & discuss it.

 

I don't believe she is saying her relationship is like her parents....I think she full realizes that her relationship is her own.

 

John and I admire both sets of parents...but we are not our parents...and are both smart enough to know they did not have perfect marriages.

 

I truly think you have made mountains out of molehills in her story.

 

The one thing I have learned that i think is really really important on forums...pointing out flaws is one thing...whether in a betrayed or a wayward. Accusing is a whole different game. It can be the way we worded something....but in your posts...you truly sounded like you were blaming her...instead of placing the blame where it needs to be WHOLLY placed...on her lowlife cheating common-law husband.

 

She needs support not criticism.

She is not the one visiting prostitutes.

 

Now.... Lobe...that was an AMAZING post!

[Whoknew30]

I don't believe she is saying her relationship is like her parents....I think she full realizes that her relationship is her own.

 

John and I admire both sets of parents...but we are not our parents...and are both smart enough to know they did not have perfect marriages.

 

I truly think you have made mountains out of molehills in her story.

 

The one thing I have learned that i think is really really important on forums...pointing out flaws is one thing...whether in a betrayed or a wayward. Accusing is a whole different game. It can be the way we worded something....but in your posts...you truly sounded like you were blaming her...instead of placing the blame where it needs to be WHOLLY placed...on her lowlife cheating common-law husband.

 

She needs support not criticism.

She is not the one visiting prostitutes.

 

Now.... Lobe...that was an AMAZING post!

 

When I give advice I try & look at the whole situation...she said like her parents & that she never wanted to get married & it was rarely discussed. It was wrong what he did but isn't that obvious? How does it help to continue to say, he was wrong when it's evident?

 

Also she had him apologizing to the daughter & it's not about the daughter. Using the kid card, after saying we never really discussed commitment, are big red flags for a relationship all together...blame would be "it's your fault he cheated"...never said that. Just saying one has to look at the whole relationship to save it, not just the "cheating". I didn't comment one thing she didn't personally say.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When I give advice I try & look at the whole situation...she said like her parents & that she never wanted to get married & it was rarely discussed. It was wrong what he did but isn't that obvious? How does it help to continue to say, he was wrong when it's evident?

 

Also she had him apologizing to the daughter & it's not about the daughter. Using the kid card, after saying we never really discussed commitment, are big red flags for a relationship all together...blame would be "it's your fault he cheated"...never said that. Just saying one has to look at the whole relationship to save it, not just the "cheating". I didn't comment one thing she didn't personally say.

 

I actually know many couples who have suffered infidelity that the therapists recommended that the cheater apologize to the older children....you see...the infidelity hurts the entire family....especially if the children are old enough to understand what has happened.

 

As a matter of fact...my best friends husband cheated on her. They tried reconciliation for a year....the therapists recommended that he apologize to not only her adult children...but to both sets of parents.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams