Is holding and preventing someone from leaving abuse?

[karina.cortez]

I have only been dating my bf for 5 months.

 

Long story short there was a heated argument and I told him that I'm leaving and coming back later to discuss things in a calmer manner as I had no interest in continuing an argument. I was leaving and on the way out the door, it was when I was grabbed by my right arm with him saying ''No, you're not leaving and cutting me off like that''.

 

Out of the several past bfs I had, I never had one grabbing me in that manner before, not much with such an aggressive tone of voice. I told him that he's scaring me at this moment and if he didn't let go and calm down, I'm going to call the cops. He did then let go (though I can see in his expression, he was still upset) but I'm reconsidering the relationship.

 

Does this fall under abuse? I felt I was being hold against my will. I never had a man act like this to me ever before.

Edited May 12, 2016 by karina.cortez

[Fruitee]

Yes it is abuse. And yes it will probably get only worse from there. After 5 months he is acting like that. Walk away now.

 

Edit.. with me it started about the same and escalated from there. Eventually I did have to call the cops. Be wiser than I was.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Fruitee

[karina.cortez]

Yes it is abuse. And yes it will probably get only worse from there. After 5 months he is acting like that. Walk away now.

Thank you and yes I was about to call the cops if he didn't let go.

 

Just saw the edit part. Sorry to hear what you went through Fruitee.

[d0nnivain]

To me abuse entails long term over time aberrant behavior. So I would not characterize one instance as abuse.

 

That said, his actions were criminal. Restraining you through touch is battery. Forcing you to stay in a room you wanted to leave is false imprisonment. Because he thought both were acceptable less than 6 months into a relationship I would not stick around to determine if he will repeated these dangerous behaviors so that they become abuse.

 

Violence or threats like what happened here are cause for you to RUN without looking back.

[karina.cortez]

Just to update, I just broke up early this morning and ever since I've been getting several calls from him about working it out and how grabbing me like that was out of his character.

 

I'm still kind of startled by what happened. I don't get why he wanted to keep me from leaving.

[d0nnivain]

Some people do stupid things in the heat of the moment. Only you know whether this really was an aberrant thing that will never happen again or if next time has potential to be much worse. I don't tend to give 2nd chances regarding violence. If it happened once, it will happen again.

[Fruitee]

Just to update, I just broke up early this morning and ever since I've been getting several calls from him about working it out and how grabbing me like that was out of his character.

 

I'm still kind of startled by what happened. I don't get why he wanted to keep me from leaving.

 

He wanted to keep you from leaving because he wants to control you.

 

Block his calls. He is calling because he thinks he is losing his control over you. Which he is of course losing.

 

Dont take him back. He will cry to you how he never meant to hurt you. Just to do it again.

[basil67]

What was the heated argument about? It's topic may point to incompatibilities which could further your resolve to not take him back.

[HopeForTomorrow]

To me abuse entails long term over time aberrant behavior. So I would not characterize one instance as abuse.

 

I don't tend to give 2nd chances regarding violence. If it happened once, it will happen again.

 

These two statements are completely incongruent.

 

I agree with the second statement. One time is enough. No one should stick around to see if it's going to continue. Because it will.

[seamos]

Just my .2 cents; my son, 31 yrs. old, does this to every girlfriend he has. He pushes them down, holds them down etc... and does about everything he can just short of hitting them.

 

In the two years I've lived nearby the police have responded 5 times. He's had 4 different girlfriends over this time so I suppose it's unexpected for them but within three months of the start of each relationship it happens.

 

He's not going to quit doing this and I doubt your boyfriend will either. My suggestion is to leave and not let it continue.

 

And yes, like your bf, he's very apologetic the next day, begging and crying but it never really changes his behavior.

[elaine567]

To me abuse entails long term over time aberrant behavior. So I would not characterize one instance as abuse.

 

I don't think you actually mean that, surely?

A punch in the face, choking, being hit with a stick... is Ok, and not abuse, if it only happens the once?

 

Actually, statistics show that on average there have been 35 "incidents" before the victim involves the police.

[Methodical]

His behavior was controlling and manipulative, not good signs, especially only five into the relationship. Glad you got out.

[preraph]

Yes, it's abuse! He's going to get violent if he can't stop you from leaving. And I bet he's that way about other things when he's trying to control you. Run.

[Taramere]

I have only been dating my bf for 5 months.

 

Long story short there was a heated argument and I told him that I'm leaving and coming back later to discuss things in a calmer manner as I had no interest in continuing an argument. I was leaving and on the way out the door, it was when I was grabbed by my right arm with him saying ''No, you're not leaving and cutting me off like that''.

 

Out of the several past bfs I had, I never had one grabbing me in that manner before, not much with such an aggressive tone of voice. I told him that he's scaring me at this moment and if he didn't let go and calm down, I'm going to call the cops. He did then let go (though I can see in his expression, he was still upset) but I'm reconsidering the relationship.

 

Does this fall under abuse? I felt I was being hold against my will. I never had a man act like this to me ever before.

 

I would treat it as a warning sign rather than being an abusive incident in itself. He showed anger, and it got physical (with him grabbing your arm) and that's not good. However, when you told him he was scaring you and that you would call the police if he didn't let you go, he let you go. What happened there, as far as I can see, is that your initial attempt to lay down a boundary (I'm going - we'll talk about it when things are calmer) was ignored, you had to lay down a more emphatic one that included a threat to call the police. Not a threat you would ever want to be making in the context of an intimate relationship...and it's problematic that you had to resort to that, because he ignored your initial boundary.

 

However, in my opinion an unequivocally abusive man would ignore that boundary too. The problem is that "not letting the woman leave" is pretty much a staple in romantic drama. It's generally portrayed in a much prettier way, of course ("don't go - I love you"). Possibly from a man's perspective, in the heat of strong emotion and anger, it's difficult to find the balance between a dismissive "Fine, I don't care...don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" reaction and a controlling "I'm not going to let you leave" one. The tipping point for me is that when you said "you're scaring me...I'll call the cops" then he let you go. So I don't personally believe it would be fair for his actions to be labelled as criminal "restraining somebody" ones. That said, it depends on the jurisdiction you're living in I suppose.

 

I understand that when people are reading stuff like this in a calm frame of mind, it's easy to come up with a reasonable halfway house response...but people who are choked up with anger and emotion aren't necessarily going to find it easy to know how to respond. A lot depends on whether there have been other red flags in your relationship so far. For me, what you describe wouldn't be a dealbreaker unless there were previous warning signs telling me that this was an abusive person who I wasn't going to be able to reason with. It's certainly an incident I would want to discuss, so that any future arguments were better dealt with.

 

My experience is that there's a big difference between an angry man and an abusive one. With an angry man, as long as you respond calmly and reasonably, he's going to cool down pretty quickly and be reasonable himself. Actually, that's not really a gender thing - it's a people thing. Nobody's immune to feeling angry, but most sane and reasonable people will be able to calm down fairly quickly so long as they meet with a calm response.

 

I would put abusive people in a different situation. You reacting calmly will infuriate them further, because it suggests that you are in control of yourself...and that's not what they want. They want to control your reactions and your responses. So they'll start acting irrationally, or hurling out entirely unreasonable accusations. They'll try every trick in the book to get the reaction they want out of you...and if you say "you're scaring me" their response is more likely to be a pleased one than the backing off response you described from your boyfriend.

 

That's not to say his reaction (grabbing your arm to stop you) was an acceptable one. You're right to have a boundary against something like that. I'd just be wary about pinning the "abuser" label onto him too readily for something like that.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Taramere

[turnera]

I would first ask you to read about abuse and look at ALL the signs, and see if there are any other signs that he exhibits. It's fairly easy to tell. If he doesn't, consider giving him a second chance, but ONLY if you're being honest with yourself about the other signs. If this popped up out of the blue, he may be telling the truth. Only you would know. And if it was a singular incident, you've definitely showed him that you will NOT put up with that kind of crap, so he'll remember that. OTOH, if he does have other signs, just showing your strength won't change him.

 

Here's a good synopsis:

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

[jen1447]

Agree with Taramere - if this was isolated and a first, I'd chalk it up to him losing his temper. (And it's not like he lost his temper and popped you one in the eye, he grabbed your arm. Not good but not exactly assault in my book.) If he has a long history of this, that's different, or if he seems to add it to his playbook going forward.

 

I don't think you actually mean that, surely?

A punch in the face, choking, being hit with a stick... is Ok, and not abuse, if it only happens the once?

 

Actually, statistics show that on average there have been 35 "incidents" before the victim involves the police.

 

This speaks to the above a bit. I think d0nni means abuse as in the widely accepted domestic or social definition of 'regular pattern of mistreatment' as opposed to assault and/or battery, which can be and usually is an isolated incident where a person physically attacks another, as far as criminal law definitions go. OP's guy's actions could arguably satisfy the assault or battery definition (not quite IMO, certainly not aggravated assault), but not the former unless he's been doing it regularly.

[HopeForTomorrow]

This speaks to the above a bit. I think d0nni means abuse as in the widely accepted domestic or social definition of 'regular pattern of mistreatment' as opposed to assault and/or battery, which can be and usually is an isolated incident where a person physically attacks another, as far as criminal law definitions go. OP's guy's actions could arguably satisfy the assault or battery definition (not quite IMO, certainly not aggravated assault), but not the former unless he's been doing it regularly.

 

I don't understand why the label matters.

 

My ex-husband only hit me on one occasion. That was enough for me to divorce. I call it abuse. Should I have waited around for it to become a regular occurrence?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't understand why the label matters.

 

My ex-husband only hit me on one occasion. That was enough for me to divorce. I call it abuse. Should I have waited around for it to become a regular occurrence?

 

No.

 

I think in this instance it is different.

But I wouldn't be against the OP leaving etc.

 

It used to be that when my husband and I fought, I would stand in front of the door. I did not know that this was abusive.

 

Part of the issue was that he would often go, drink, and disappear overnight or for a few days after. Clearly we had deeper issues.

 

So instead, upon realizing that it was abusive to stand in front of him leaving, I set my boundary that he would not be allowed back in the house with our daughter if he did come back drunk (which did happen sometimes, and I would have to ask him to leave).

 

But as well, that if he was going to start fights, insist on leaving, drinking and disappearing, that I was DONE.

 

That pretty much, he wasn't to bother me about the marital state after that because I refuse to allow him to drag us through his alcoholism etc.

 

He did do it once and we separated immediately. It wasn't until he went to treatment that I reconsidered. That was last year. He hasn't done it since.

 

I don't stand in his way, he takes a break and doesn't get loaded/ disappear. Often within half an hour we can talk.

[karina.cortez]

We were arguing about several issues in the relationship, mainly about his mother getting too involved and being disrespectful on several occasions while he does nothing, such as the time she made a couple sarcastic comments about Mexican immigrants, which my parents are but I was born in Maine. Other than that, I also explained how I'm tired of catching him at times checking on my cell when I have nothing to hide.

 

Part of the reason that might have precipitated the break-up, I got tired of many arguments which never got solved, him never saying anything whenever his mother (I overheard once in a conversation about how he shouldn't date latinas and why was he paying for the first couple dates) was getting kind of bossy and disrespectful as well as the checking on my cell (he would put it back on the table whenever I would come back) and at times asking where I was even when I was hanging with female friend or my family members.

 

Not the first time we got into an argument but it was the first time he grabbed me like that.

[jen1447]

I don't understand why the label matters.

 

My ex-husband only hit me on one occasion. That was enough for me to divorce. I call it abuse. Should I have waited around for it to become a regular occurrence?

 

No, you were certainly right to leave him for assaulting you. (Sometimes a single assault can be worse - or more egregious - than a pattern of abuse, like if the abusive behavior consists of sth fairly innocuous like mild passive aggression.)

 

The label matters bc the OP asked if a certain behavior was abuse. It's just accurately answering the question, presumably so she can make well-informed decisions on the matter going forward.

[karina.cortez]

I don't understand why the label matters.

 

My ex-husband only hit me on one occasion. That was enough for me to divorce. I call it abuse. Should I have waited around for it to become a regular occurrence?

Good. Once should be enough.

 

My relationship with him was somewhat rocky with several arguments every now and then but when he grabbed me like that and was in my face when saying ''No, you're not leaving and cutting me off like that'' I count that as getting physical. That was the last straw for me.

[jen1447]

We were arguing about several issues in the relationship, mainly about his mother getting too involved and being disrespectful on several occasions while he does nothing, such as the time she made a couple sarcastic comments about Mexican immigrants, which my parents are but I was born in Maine. Other than that, I also explained how I'm tired of catching him at times checking on my cell when I have nothing to hide.

 

Part of the reason that might have precipitated the break-up, I got tired of many arguments which never got solved, him never saying anything whenever his mother (I overheard once in a conversation about how he shouldn't date latinas and why was he paying for the first couple dates) was getting kind of bossy and disrespectful as well as the checking on my cell (he would put it back on the table whenever I would come back) and at times asking where I was even when I was hanging with female friend or my family members.

 

Not the first time we got into an argument but it was the first time he grabbed me like that.

 

Hmm ....the snooping in your phone and demanding whereabouts accountability don't help matters in conjunction w/the arm thing. Add that all together and you're good to dismiss him IMO. Really you should.

[preraph]

We were arguing about several issues in the relationship, mainly about his mother getting too involved and being disrespectful on several occasions while he does nothing, such as the time she made a couple sarcastic comments about Mexican immigrants, which my parents are but I was born in Maine. Other than that, I also explained how I'm tired of catching him at times checking on my cell when I have nothing to hide.

 

Part of the reason that might have precipitated the break-up, I got tired of many arguments which never got solved, him never saying anything whenever his mother (I overheard once in a conversation about how he shouldn't date latinas and why was he paying for the first couple dates) was getting kind of bossy and disrespectful as well as the checking on my cell (he would put it back on the table whenever I would come back) and at times asking where I was even when I was hanging with female friend or my family members.

 

Not the first time we got into an argument but it was the first time he grabbed me like that.

 

He's abusive just checking your cell and being controlling, plus the physical stuff. You don't want to spend your life with someone like that. It would be miserable and unsafe for kids. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you have to just take it. Next he'll be trying to isolate you from friends and family so you have no support and he can get his way more often.