cdaq Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 This morning I just happened to check the cell usage on my phone. On a whim, I really wasn't suspicious of anything, I checked out my wifes messages and found that she had been texting her ex several times a day (like over usually over 20 - one day there were 136 texts between them). Now they do have young kids together and I understand there will be communication, thats not a problem. But so frequently? I know I need to talk to her but I can't see how there could be an innocent explanation. What should I do??? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 I would just ask to see her phone and watch her reaction. If she refuses then you have every right to be concerned. If she shows it to you then you can just confirm what is up and then this will lead to you being able to talk to her about how this is bothering you. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 I would just ask to see her phone and watch her reaction. If she refuses then you have every right to be concerned. If she shows it to you then you can just confirm what is up and then this will lead to you being able to talk to her about how this is bothering you. C Thanks, but I know she deletes her messages as she gets them. She has a crappy 8 GB iphone and she's constantly battling with storage space. Thats another thing, if she does have a believable explanation she wont be able to prove it. I guess I could live with that but she'll obviously be pissed that I'm "checking up on her". Damn... Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Does it bother you because you suspect she's cheating, or because you don't like her tight friendship with her Ex? If you suspect something, don't tell her anything, just turn ON your radars and start being wary. If you suspect nothing, you just don't like it, you should start a general conversation about her communication with her Ex. She will obviously be honest and voluntarily tell you about her texting him constantly, than you can tell her that it bothers you. If she hides it and does not admit contacting so frequently, it's a red flag, then go to my previous paragraph. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 That just wouldnt work for me. I have been with three cheaters in my life. If my wife talks to much to her xHusband she knows where the door is. I know that sounds harsh but I have a firm belief in where things belong and a woman texting another man like yours is, is to much for me. There are programs that will pull deleted text off a phone. You might want to look into Dr Fone. Things to note. Does she ever talking to him when she is around you? Can you see what she is saying. Is she secretive with her phone. Is there a pass code on it. If she is any of those things you have everything to be worried about and I would suggest talking to a lawyer before you do anything with her phone. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 Does it bother you because you suspect she's cheating, or because you don't like her tight friendship with her Ex? If you suspect something, don't tell her anything, just turn ON your radars and start being wary. If you suspect nothing, you just don't like it, you should start a general conversation about her communication with her Ex. She will obviously be honest and voluntarily tell you about her texting him constantly, than you can tell her that it bothers you. If she hides it and does not admit contacting so frequently, it's a red flag, then go to my previous paragraph. Before today I didn't suspect anything. And a amicable relationship in one thing but 376 texts in 2.5 weeks is another. I think anyway. Hell, I dont know, I feel like that is a lot anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Yeah, that is odd. I would be curious as to what they are discussing. I vomit a little in my mouth to think about having that much contact with my ex husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 Yeah, that is odd. I would be curious as to what they are discussing. I vomit a little in my mouth to think about having that much contact with my ex husband. Thanks Ms Foust Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 12, 2016 Author Share Posted May 12, 2016 That just wouldnt work for me. I have been with three cheaters in my life. If my wife talks to much to her xHusband she knows where the door is. C I know what you mean. My first marriage of 19 years ended because of infidelity. My current wife knew from the beginning it was one thing I wouldnt tolerate. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubix Cubed Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Have you checked back as far as you can in your phone records? Has it always been that prolific? Doesn't seem like that would change much from month to month unless there was a big issue with the kids, like being sick or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I guess I could live with that but she'll obviously be pissed that I'm "checking up on her". Damn... She's texting her ex 136 times in one day and you're worried she'll be pissed ??? Backwards, my friend... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedCloud Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Where there's smoke, there's fire. I don't even text my boyfriend that much throughout the day, are you kidding me? They're not talking about the kids in 136 messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Since she's conveniently deleting all her texts, run DrFone on her cell - it un-deletes the texts she deleted. You'll have your answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Why not buy her a new phone with a high memory, then she won't have to delete messages quite so often and you'll know. Or you could also go into investigation mode and say nothing to her for now. Is she more of a texter than a talker? Do you have older bills to see if this is a new thing? Does he live close by Does she have unaccounted time where she could see him? Look for other signs of cheating apart from the text messages. Sorry about your first marriage ending from infidelity. One poor BW is on her third WH. I think I'd just give up. I hope this isn't the case and it was a peak in communication due to child related matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Readandwrite Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 If you can't get either a spy ware key logger on the phone or look at the old messages (honestly it wouldn't matter to me what they are talking about...136 a day can't be all kid suffer or you should know.)...I'd get a new up to date phone. Maybe it accidentally falls in the toilet or something...? If she can sneak...then so can you.Don't feel bad about this. There are too many Stds in the world. You gave a life to live. Is it just texts or are there calls...photos...meetings? I'd get a camera up at my house too. They are cheap and it will give you piece of mind... Btw...your carrier might be able to retrieve them. If all that doesn't help. I'd keep her phone for a day. ..say yours broke and you need one. Tadaa. Link to post Share on other sites
Readandwrite Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Btw... I am assuming you are paying her cell bill. So no think it's fine to get ahold of the carrier to try and retrieve the messages if you can't with an app. Do you have a computer? I'd be getting a key logger for that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Well I talked to her about it. She said that while all the texts weren't about the kids (duh) there was nothing going on. It was all innocent talk back and forth. She was able to show me the last few from last night and they were innocuous, stuff about picking kids up over thee weekend. So, even if I take her at her word should I be ok with that kind of contact? She's freaking texting him more than me. Link to post Share on other sites
Readandwrite Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Well...she's your wife. Id be ticked for sure. I'd think over a hjndred texts in a year is more than enought...let alone one day. Ask her if it would be ok for you to text your ex 100 times in one day- on non kid issues (assuming the 100 ate jabber between the two and the 30 plus are on the kuds seems more than reasonable.) How would she like that? And...she would be paying for it. Plus.. she didn't mention allll these texts it to you? If my ex was texting me that much...I'd for sure mention it. And why not last month...last year...why now? Seriously...wake up. Get the spy ware or get her a new phone that she is not to delete the messages. You wrote that SHE KNOWS YOU'VE BEEN C HEATED ON...so she needed to mention this to you before you found out. Imo. I'd also cut her plan down to paying for each text. ..and she can pay it. I think it's extremely rude gor you to be paying for her to text her ex on anything besides the kids...what are they sending ONE WORD TEXTS?? Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 This morning I just happened to check the cell usage on my phone. On a whim, I really wasn't suspicious of anything, I checked out my wifes messages and found that she had been texting her ex several times a day (like over usually over 20 - one day there were 136 texts between them). Now they do have young kids together and I understand there will be communication, thats not a problem. But so frequently? I know I need to talk to her but I can't see how there could be an innocent explanation. What should I do??? Well, they have kids, and she is most likely texting about them. That would be my first thought. I would sit down with my wife and ask. They will have to communicate and you will have to allow it, as they are co parenting. She maybe arguing. DO you have the relationship where you are involved with your step kids? After all, it is the whole package when you married her? Just so you know my wife and I can have over 20 texts in a day when we are talking about our kids, grand kids, or just trying to work something out and can not talk. So I do not see this a too much. Work out a method for communication between them that you are involved. Try and become part of the process, as you are now a step Dad, and need to know. Of course, if something else is going on that is another issue, but give her the benefit of the doubt, before thinking so. Approach her as a help mate, she may need it right now, and you may find she would welcome you into the conversation. I wish you luck...... Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 She is still pushing her boundaries. Its about you and how she is making you feel. I would just be honest with her. Your not comfortable with this. If she persist then there is going to be problems in your marriage. My wifes xHusband was constantly texting her when we first got together. He even came to my house before we married and begged for her to come back to him. I just told her if she didn't put him in his place soon like that day then she needed to go be with someone else. She took care of it right away and I have had only a few small issues since. Its up to you where you go from here. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Well, they have kids, and she is most likely texting about them. That would be my first thought. I would sit down with my wife and ask. They will have to communicate and you will have to allow it, as they are co parenting. She maybe arguing. DO you have the relationship where you are involved with your step kids? After all, it is the whole package when you married her? Just so you know my wife and I can have over 20 texts in a day when we are talking about our kids, grand kids, or just trying to work something out and can not talk. So I do not see this a too much. Work out a method for communication between them that you are involved. Try and become part of the process, as you are now a step Dad, and need to know. Of course, if something else is going on that is another issue, but give her the benefit of the doubt, before thinking so. Approach her as a help mate, she may need it right now, and you may find she would welcome you into the conversation. I wish you luck...... Thank you. I am involved in the step kids lives. I see them more than their dad. I take them to after school activities, etc. I agree 100% that there needs to be communication between them, I expect that. I also know that its better for the kids if they are on good terms. The question is what is too much? Is it no big deal that they are talking, every day, about stuff that is not directly related to the kids? Even if she's not cheating or planning to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdaq Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Well...she's your wife. Id be ticked for sure. I'd think over a hjndred texts in a year is more than enought...let alone one day. Ask her if it would be ok for you to text your ex 100 times in one day- on non kid issues (assuming the 100 ate jabber between the two and the 30 plus are on the kuds seems more than reasonable.) How would she like that? And...she would be paying for it. Plus.. she didn't mention allll these texts it to you? If my ex was texting me that much...I'd for sure mention it. And why not last month...last year...why now? Seriously...wake up. Get the spy ware or get her a new phone that she is not to delete the messages. You wrote that SHE KNOWS YOU'VE BEEN C HEATED ON...so she needed to mention this to you before you found out. Imo. I'd also cut her plan down to paying for each text. ..and she can pay it. I think it's extremely rude gor you to be paying for her to text her ex on anything besides the kids...what are they sending ONE WORD TEXTS?? I did ask her if she would be ok with me sending texts like that to my ex. She wasn't, but of course that would be different. I pointed out the hypocrisy and she just reiterated that nothing was going on. I'm not about to go the spy route. f that. I did all that in my previous marriage and I'm not about to go down that road again. It's exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I did ask her if she would be ok with me sending texts like that to my ex. She wasn't, but of course that would be different. I pointed out the hypocrisy and she just reiterated that nothing was going on. I'm not about to go the spy route. f that. I did all that in my previous marriage and I'm not about to go down that road again. It's exhausting. Dont waste your time. If you have to spy on her then the relationship is not worth it. I would just tell her if she continues this then your going to reevaluate staying married to her. Let her make her own mind up from there. Don't let anyone manipulate you. C Link to post Share on other sites
Readandwrite Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 I did ask her if she would be ok with me sending texts like that to my ex. She wasn't, but of course that would be different. I pointed out the hypocrisy and she just reiterated that nothing was going on. I'm not about to go the spy route. f that. I did all that in my previous marriage and I'm not about to go down that road again. It's exhausting. I completely understand the spying thing. I've been cheated in. Its awful. I'd still get her a new phone where she can save the messages. I'd put it this way...obviously with so much conversation going kn (109 plus texts a say) I want you to be able to keep those details so there is never any miscommunication between you and your ex with the kid's. Any idle jabber needs to stop. And I will be checkingbit. Mostly because she didn't tell you when she should have and especially knowing your vackground. I'd be wag more sensitive. And also because thus just started and I assume the kids going back and forth hs nothing new. So why now?"seems odd to me. But again...I'd get her the new phone. Or switch with her for niw. Hths Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Well I talked to her about it. She said that while all the texts weren't about the kids (duh) there was nothing going on. It was all innocent talk back and forth. She was able to show me the last few from last night and they were innocuous, stuff about picking kids up over thee weekend. So, even if I take her at her word should I be ok with that kind of contact? She's freaking texting him more than me. Tell her it's too much and ask her how she would feel if you were texting your ex gf or ex wife with the same amount of texts she's sending him. Tell her how it makes you feel when she does this. May I how you two got together? Did you meet her when she was already divorced or did you two have an affair and then she divorced, married you? This may have something to do with why she's still attached to her exH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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