Wife Leaving Me- Feel Lost

[Chills22]

If I got into a lot of details about my situation this could be really long so I will keep it as short as possible. In September we will have been married 9 years and we have been together for 12. We have 2 children we brought into the marriage and one together. Our major problems started after our son was born. I was laid off and we went through our savings. There has been a lot of financial stress on me since then. At the same time she has been trying to start a business that she wants to do full time but just can't get off the ground. It has taken up a lot of money and I pay the bulk of the expenses and am always stressing about how to make ends meet.

 

She had a full affair. It was a few months and he moved away. We decided to work on it and stay together but since then she has had other what I would consider emotional affairs and one that did have some physical kissing and touching. With that one she said she loved him and was ready to leave me for him. But he was just a player and we decided to work through it and stay together.

 

Her main complaints about me are that I don't talk to her, spend time with her, or protect her. I don't make her feel loved. She has had disputes with people and she doesn't think I have had her back. When her father passed away she was in the middle of an emotional affair that was clouding my judgement and she does not feel I was there for her. She says that I change for a while but then go back to my old ways. She is right I have gotten complacent and let life and anger get in the way.

 

Two weeks we were having a big money issue because we had to pay a bunch of tickets that she rang up when renewing our registration. She also had spent a bunch of money out of the account I didn't know about. I needed to figure out how to pay rent and I was mad at her and stressing out. I did push her away. After a few days she said she wanted a separation and divorce. She said that she was done with our marriage and it was over. She said she has been unhappy for years and couldn't take it anymore. She said she accepts that fact that she was not good enough for me to do what I need to do. I showed her that she was not worth it.

 

I then heard her talking on the phone to another man. Apparently they have been talking for the year but got serious recently. I checked the phone records and they text hundreds of times a day and talk for hours. He lives across the country but they met through business. She is talking about how he is her priority and acts completely different with him then me. She talks to him about being with him and moving on with him.

 

We are in a lease so we have to stay in our house until October. She said after that she will be moving across the country. She wants us to work out something with our son and be cordial and respectful of each other. It has been extremely hard. There has been a lot of crying. I am an emotional wreck. I feel like I am constantly being punched in the chest and out of breath. I love her with all my heart and the times when I thought maybe would be better without her don't seem real anymore. It is destroying me what this will do to our family. Neither one of us is willing to give up our son but she is moving away to a place that he is not familiar with and where she has no support system. I can't see it being anything else but a battle.

 

I haven't said anything to her about eavesdropping and hearing that she is in a relationship with someone else. I wanted to do it tomorrow to let her know. I also wanted to text him and let him know that if I ever see him it will be a problem and I will never let him around my son. I want to tell her that my son will stay with me and I will send him to her on the school breaks with a No Contact order in place for the other man.

 

Most of all I want my family and I want my wife back.

 

My son's birthday is coming up and she wants us to go to an amusement park. I am trying to see if I can scrape together the money since this is before payday and if I can't we may not be able to go.

 

Also if I tell her I know she is actually in a new relationship I don't know what will happen.

 

As you can see I am lost and confused.

[oldshirt]

Let me see if I am understanding this correctly- your wife has had multiple affairs and is in love with and planning to be with another man and you haven't left her and moved on with your own life yet?

 

Am I missing anything?

Edited May 12, 2016 by oldshirt

[Chills22]

It sounds simple but we have a family and I do love her. I know her choice to have affairs is not my fault but I have created difficulties in our marriage that I am not proud of. I have joint custody of my daughter and she goes back and forth. It has been very hard on her throughout her life. I never wanted that for my son. I know from the outside looking in it sounds simple and cut and dry, and if I was on the outside I would probably feel the same way. I am human and things aren't always that simple.

[oldshirt]

simple doesn't necessarily equal easy or painless.

 

 

The simplicity here is this is a slam dunk. she does not respect you or desire you. Her respect and desire is for another man/men.

 

 

From what you have written, her plans are to pursue a future with him and she doesn't have any intent to remain with you or be faithful to you.

 

 

There is nothing you can do here other than lawyer up to protect your financial resources, property rights and access to your son.

 

 

It's sad and it sucks, but it's the reality. As long as she is currently involved with the OM and has no remorse and no intentions of remaining with you, you have no chance of making this a happy, healthy and faithful marriage.

[oldshirt]

 

#1 She had a full affair. It was a few months and he moved away. We decided to work on it and stay together but since then she has had other what I would consider emotional affairs and one that did have some physical kissing and touching. With that one she said she loved him and was ready to leave me for him. But he was just a player and we decided to work through it and stay together.

 

 

#2 I then heard her talking on the phone to another man. Apparently they have been talking for the year but got serious recently. I checked the phone records and they text hundreds of times a day and talk for hours. He lives across the country but they met through business. She is talking about how he is her priority and acts completely different with him then me. She talks to him about being with him and moving on with him.

 

#3. We are in a lease so we have to stay in our house until October. She said after that she will be moving across the country.

 

#4. I also wanted to text him and let him know that if I ever see him it will be a problem and I will never let him around my son. I want to tell her that my son will stay with me

 

 

#5. I will send him to her on the school breaks with a No Contact order in place for the other man.

 

#6 Also if I tell her I know she is actually in a new relationship I don't know what will happen.

 

#7 As you can see I am lost and confused.

 

 

#1. The reason she stayed with you is that guy wouldn't have her fulltime. You were the fall-back guy that helps pay the bills and helps babysit her child. She would've gone with him if he would have had her. You were a default. I am sorry but she does not love, desire or respect you.

 

 

#2. She is deeply involved with him and is plotting a life with him if he will have her.

 

 

#3. She has stated her inte, ntions. Believe her Face the facts and start planning to move on with your life without her.

 

 

#4. He doesn't give a crap what you think or what you will say. She has no respect for you and no concern for what you will do, so neither will he. As far as he is concerned, he can bang her right in front of you and you will do nothing because you have a long track record of doing nothing when she gets down with other men.

 

 

- also you need to lawyer up and get educated about divorce and child custody. Unless you can prove the OM is registered sex offender, drug dealer or some other threat to your son's physical safety, you won't be able to keep him away from him.

 

 

#5. Again, unless you can show that the OM poses a legitimate threat to your son's safety, you won't be able to get a no contact order.

 

 

Get a lawyer and get educated.

 

 

#6. I know what will happen - nothing. Nothing will happen this time since nothing has happened all the other times. She doesn't care if you know or not because nothing has ever happened to her and there were never any consequences for her behavior in all of her other affairs. She has no respect for you.

 

 

#7. You are not lost and confused. This is a very straight forward affair and you fully know the score. You aren't lost and confused, you are weak and indecisive. Instead of taking any action to protect yourself or hold her accountable for her unacceptable behavior, you have cried and begged and wrung your hands. This is why she has no respect for you or faith in you.

 

 

If you want to survive this with a single penny to your name, access to your child, and even a grain of dignity, you are going to have to man up, take charge of your life, make a plan for your own future and take definitive action to ensure your own well being.

 

 

Stop being pathetic and take action to protect yourself and protect your interests.

[Chills22]

There is a lot of tough love in this forum, I appreciate it. You are all right, I am a sucker when it comes to her. I am also scared of a lot of things like how things will change and how it will effect my kids.

 

Tomorrow I am going to tell her I listened to her entire conversation and know about the affair. We will see if she denies it, tries to explain it away, or says yes, I told you we are over. I am guessing she is going to say I told you we are over, or just try to deflect because she is afraid I might use it in court and tell me it is none of my business and get mad at me for eavesdropping.

[Marc878]

Better start using your head here because your heart is betraying you like she has.

 

Look up serial cheater. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg

[Chills22]

At this point I don't see why it matters that she knows that you know.

She's told you it's over. She's actively pursuing others.

 

Staying - with kids knowing what Mommy is up to yet Daddy is too weak to have self respect - only sends kids an example that when they grow up they should allow their own spouse to disrespect them.

 

Leaving the marriage and explaining to them that Mommy wasn't treating you right sends a clear message that grown ups should expect to be treated with respect - and if you're not - then end it.

 

Set an example your kids can learn from. We lead by example with our words and actions. Teach your kids well. Respect yourself.

 

I do want to teach my kids that. I just hope they know I did everything I could to try to give them the best life possible. I never had a father and my dream was to let my son grow up in a two-parent household.

 

I think I want to tell her I know for me. I think it will help me to move forward and remove a burden that I feel. I don't want to check phone records and listen in or obsess about her calls. A part of me feels like if I just tell her I know it will help me to stop all of that. She is being disrespectful to me and our kids but I know she doesn't care. She is in la la land with someone who doesn't have to be anything but a text message and voice on a phone.

[Chills22]

She has said before recently that she is not leaving because her name is on the lease so she has a right to stay. She really doesn't have anywhere to go because her mom has no room and she can't afford anything herself. I do think this benefits me in a way legally because it allows me to continue to be a full time father before we go to court to sort things out. Otherwise she would try to take our son and say she is the primary caregiver.

[luck1978]

I'm only going to say one thing here:

Go where your fear is and you will grow, if you keep hiding in the shadows you will fade to nothing

[oldshirt]

Yes it's tough love, no one is trying to be mean or trying to hurt your feelings, but you have it real bad and are really behind the eight ball here and it's critical that you grow some balls and get off your arse yeaterday.

 

My reccomendation is to not say a word to her untill you have a lawyer and have worked out a comprehensive plan and have your ducks in a row before she even catches wind you are up to something.

 

No offense, but at the moment you are a defenseless, clueless, naive babe in the woods and she is going to chew you up and crap you out before you even have your morning coffee. She is so much more shrewd and worldly and clever than you. You don't stand a chance against her currently.

 

Get a lawyer ASAP and get educated about the realities of divorce and get your ducks in a row before she cleans you out and leaves you with nothing.

[oldshirt]

She has said before recently that she is not leaving because her name is on the lease so she has a right to stay. She really doesn't have anywhere to go because her mom has no room and she can't afford anything herself. I do think this benefits me in a way legally because it allows me to continue to be a full time father before we go to court to sort things out. Otherwise she would try to take our son and say she is the primary caregiver.

 

This is what I'm talking about. You don't have a clue how it works.

 

Get a lawyer immediately and start working to protect your rights before she has you for an afternoon snack.

[Chills22]

I probably should have mentioned there is already a divorce case filed. She actually filed at the end of 2014 when we were going through everything with her dad. But we decided to work things out and stay together. The case was never closed so she is just moving forward with it and we have a court date in September. I haven't been served with the actual paperwork yet to file my response. But there is a court date for the divorce and an end date for our lease when she will move out. I don't know where she will go in that meantime since she said she planned to move out of the state in January. I also don't know where I will go or if I will try to stay in the same house- cost is a concern. I would have negotiate with the landlord to see if I can get the rent lowered.

[oldshirt]

Wake up. Face reality. Get a lawyer. Get moving.

[DanlT]

I read this today. It is very simple, but it struck a chord in my head and

I ended up tearing up for many minutes.

 

I hope this gives you some insight.

 

“You only lose what you cling to.”

― Gautama Buddha

[Bufo]

Who is more important to you? Her or your joint child? If she makes good on her promise to leave and move across the country (presumably to be with OM who may not actually want a full time live in gf with kids in tow but she hasn't figured that out yet) your contact with that child will be limited by time and money and distance.

 

Therefore listen to the others who have suggested you see a lawyer pronto

You need to know whether you should file for divorce to get a court ordered status quo in placemaiso she can't pack her tent and leave.

 

Child custody fights cost big money. Start saving yours. Go to basic cable. Use your library for internet service. Depending on what lawyer says that will be specific to your jurisdiction, cancel joint credit cards and divide whatever bank accounts you have in two to protect your half. Open a new account for you and direct your paycheck there.

 

You are leaving yourself a sitting duck and you won't be happy when she leaves and leaves you with next to nothing. Don't worry since Legal Aid can book you an appointment in 3 months. During which time she'll file for divorce and status quo plus support from somewhere in the Golden West. If you think divorce is expensive where you live just see what it's lie to litigate over thousands of miles and several time zones. At least you'll earn lots if frequent flyer miles.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you have to realize she has checked if of Marriageville and to protect yourself you must plan ahead.

 

It is somewhat unlikely that the divorce case is still pending on the courts active calendar. Check with the county clerk office (on line in many areas)to learn the true status of that 2014 case.

Edited May 14, 2016 by Bufo
One final sentence

[loveboid]

She said it's over in 2014 and yet you somehow managed to stay around. I'm guessing you are thinking you can just keep doing that.

 

She said it's over and you have no respect for that. She has probably said lots of other things throughout the years which you had no respect for either.

 

You cannot make someone who is miserable with you stay with you. Get over yourself.

[gemini6]

You cannot make someone who is miserable with you stay with you. Get over yourself.

I don't think he is trying to force her to stay as she is a grown woman that can leave at anytime - she has chosen to stay up until now, sounds like she has to have a man in the background to run to...

He said she can't afford to go anywhere because she can't get her business off the ground. Looks like she is just using him to pay for the house and the rest of the bills...

Chills, you are being a doormat! Get out now. Let her run off into the sunset with her new man - tell her to go choke on the greener grass! Get a place of your own and set up either full custody of your son or regular visitation. STOP allowing this woman who does not care about you to use you! She wants someone else - ok, fine. LET HER GO!

[Chills22]

I have accepted that our marriage is over and I am making moves to protect myself and my right to my son. But that doesn't mean that I don't continue to make stupid mistakes.

 

On Friday I told her through email that I knew she had started a relationship and that she couldn't deny it because I had heard everything. She pretty much just said I wanted to cause drama and that we are done and only legally married. I came home late after a work event and it was the first time in a while that I got some good sleep. It did feel like it helped.

 

On Saturday she was gone and then in the room most of the day so I spent the day with my son. We had a minor dispute about where he would sleep but he ended up sleeping with me. I found out that she got a new phone number since her old number was on my account and she did not give me the new number.

 

On Sunday morning she wanted to talk and reiterated that she wanted things to be peaceful the next few months and for us to be civil and try to work out our divorce ourself prior to court. I told her that would take both of us and it wouldn't be able to happen if she was starting a relationship with someone else while we are still in the house and bad mouthing me to that person and all of her friends. She insisted she was not starting a relationship with anyone and that she didn't bad mouth me. I just repeated what I said and we both agreed to try to keep the peace. She asked that if we needed to talk we go outside so we weren't around the kids (which I quickly forgot and messed up later in the day).

 

We took the kids to the movies and then we went to the store where she asked me to help her by buying drinks for her event and she would pay me back (I know, I know). Then she asked me to tell her about something in the parking lot and when I deferred she cried about how I never wanted to talk to her and that had always been a problem in our marriage. So I did talk to her and that lead to her crying more about how I made her feel not good enough and there was probably someone else out there who I would feel was worth it. There was more crying and we left.

 

We got home and she went in the room to talk on the phone. My son was upset about something and went to talk to her. He came back still upset and saying mommy doesn't care. So I waited about 45 minutes to see if she would come downstairs or call him and then I went upstairs. I stopped at the door and could hear that she was talking to the other man. She was apologizing to him because he was upset about something she had done. I admit I got pissed. So I knocked on the door and asked to talk to her and she got off the phone. I told her I know that talking to this person is important to you but your son is coming down stairs and saying you don't care about him, you only care about talking on the phone. She pretty much lost it screaming and yelling and going off. She told me I just wanted to be nosy and she doesn't trust anything I say. She said I was trying to make her out to be a bad mom and she just has friends that she talks to, again going to great lengths to deny she started a relationship. I even said friends don't talk about sex like you are and she said how do you know I don't talk like that with my female friends? She said I just wanted drama and she hated coming to the house. She told me about all my failings again and then stormed out of the house. She was gone for a couple of hours. Probably talking to him and whoever else to tell them about how terrible I am.

Edited May 16, 2016 by Chills22

[Chills22]

It is funny how something that looks so bad when written down can actually be your life.

 

I know that the argument when she was talking to the other man and our son was upset was more about me than our son. I am just very angry that she is having a relationship like this with someone else and also denying it. She is also telling him a lot of lies that makes me more upset. For example, she told him that when she was pregnant with our son she had to go on bed rest and went into premature labor because of stress my family was causing and I wouldn't step in and do anything about it. She said her father wanted her to move in with them because he was scared of losing his grandson. Other than the bed rest and early labor part none of that is true. It is completely made up and it bothers me that she lies to people about our life and in a way it disrespects our son. It bothers me that after I spoke with her she didn't tell this other man I need to keep peace in my life so out of respect for my former marriage and family I can't talk to you for 4 months and after that if you are still interested we can start talking again.

 

Let's be honest she has no idea what he is doing. Yes, he could be head over heels for her and only talking to her for hours and texting. Or he could be talking to multiple women or other women or who really knows. For her to be telling him he is her priority and apologizing to him when we are in this situation is just very frustrating. When we were arguing she said she has been having migraines and chest pains and bad health because of everything and I just don't care. I do care but I feel like she is bringing this on herself by adding extra stress to our situation due to this relationship. She won't see that or even admit there is a relationship, everything gets turned back around on me. I am trying to work through all of these feelings so I can move on.

[soy]

Gosh I'm sorry for what your going through.

 

To be honest going through a divorce is difficult. On my end its more difficult because I don't trust the father is my kids and the thought of them being alone with him scares me. Going through child custody, child support... And all the nasty emotions that come with it is very hard. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

It sounds like your wife has already moved on. I know it's scary to think "how will I survive with out her" but the truth is you will. During my 6 year marriage I cried everyday to sleep. The thought of leaving him mortified me. Here's the secre thiugh... Humans fear the unknown. What we don't know scares us, that's why we don't like to face it. But let me as you this; how will you know if life isn't better on the other side of you don't try it? Most people don't know that life can be so much better because they've never experienced it. It's like a blind person who sees for the first time. That person wasn't aware of the beauty this world has to offer because he never saw it. When he saw it be was able to see the beauty. Had he kept his eyes shut he would've never experienced such beauty.

 

I will pray for you, that God may place your answer with in your heart .

[Chills22]

The argument I had with her the other night may have helped because last night she actually stayed downstairs and spent some time with our son. I am pretty sure she was still texting with him during that time but at least she wasn't locked in the room talking on the phone.

 

When I was about to go to sleep she came over and said she wanted to talk to me. She pretty much proceeded to tell me how horrible I was and how unhappy she had been. It was like jabbing the knife in and twisting it. She told me that I didn't communicate and I was emotionally detached. She said that I made her unhappy and she couldn't take it anymore. She said that she cheated on me because there was a void I was not filling and she went out to fill it with someone else. She said she did not like that I turned her into that. She said even in our happy times she felt empty. That she did love me, but she loved herself more. Then she said she hoped we could end things peacefully and work something out for our son. I really didn't say anything. Yes, a lot of what she said was true, and I accept it, but I also think you can't just look at things in a vacuum. For example I told her she never tried to build back trust after cheating and she continued to lie to me. She said I had lied to her too. I said I know I have lied to you too but all lies are not always equal. That set her off and she said all lies are the same. She said I don't ever think I do anything wrong and I think I am better than everyone else. I really just stopped talking after that and listened to all of the hard and hurtful things she had to say about me. Then she went to bed.

 

This morning when she got up she was crying and I asked what was wrong. Her cousin had passed away overnight. She hadn't seen him for over 10 years but they were close when they were kids. She came to me and I held her and listened to her for a brief time. She said life was too short. I told her she could be sad but I know that he wouldn't want her blaming herself for anything. I also told her I am sorry he passed away. She thanked me.

 

It is funny for all the times she says I have never been there for her I can name so many times situations like the above happened and I was there and we had these moments. But I am sure she just got in the car and called him and he made it a point to talk to her and make it seem like he was there for her to take care of her. So when she looks back all that she will see is how he supported her and got her through this tough time.

[Bufo]

Your recents posts are proof of the utility of the 180 applied 100%.

 

if every time you engage with her bad things happen, just quit engaging with her. Except about your son and the logistics of daily child care and paying bills.

 

You cannot control her behavior. If she wants to talk to OM she will. She does not care about how you feel,,so why should you care about how she feels? When she went on her rant about how horrible you are and forced her to have an affair, you should have turned and walked away.

 

The magic words are: "I sorry you feel that way". The correct answer to every accusation and every challenge she throws your way. She'll eventually get the message that screaming and yelling and accusing and blaming aren't getting you upset.

 

If you don't like this advice, I'm sorry you feel that way.