Jealousy and Possessiveness - How To Stop

[x Maria x]

I'm currently in a LDR of a year and half with a really amazing man who I love a lot.

 

I am insecure and the distance doesn't help that any.

 

He has kids with two women from his past and that bothers me a lot but I've dealt with that's how it's got to be.

 

I get so jealous when he's over their houses dropping the kids off and chatting to them, they message each other about the kids and stuff and phone calls, I hate it all.

 

Whenever he's on his phone messaging I'm there clenching my jaw wondering who he's talking to.

 

He is a little secretive about his phone. His ex was apparently so bad with trust issues with him from the start of their relationship that she'd check everything of his including his phone, so he's learnt to be that way. But it makes me feel more insecure and jealous about who he's chatting to.

 

I'd let him see my phone whenever he wanted, he knows the password to my phone and I have nothing on there I wouldn't want him to see.

 

But should you be able to look at your partners phone? Do you have the right to ask who they're messaging and who they talk to?

 

He likes to stay friends with his ex's as well which makes me feel uncomfortable and when I know he's messaging them it makes me feel so upset. He is openly honest about who he messages if I ask, but I just can't shake the jealousy and possessiveness I feel over him.

 

One of his female friends who is like a mum to him she's always over his house and I feel so jealous, they're off on holiday together with his other friend as well next month and I just end up feeling so bad everyday about it all.

 

The mums of his kids, the phone, the messaging, the chatting to others.

 

I do love him a lot and he's always willing to talk about anything that bothers me. Always talking about plans for our future. I just wish I could get past these issues.

[smackie9]

I see history for him repeats itself...dating someone that has trust issues AGAIN.

 

Girl, the kids and his relationship with the moms is part of who he is...it's part of the package deal. What the hell are you doing? If it's making you so sick with jealousy breakup with him and find someone that doesn't have this kind of baggage.

OR you can get yourself into therapy. You are the one with the issue and it should be deal with...just my 2 cents.

[66Charger]

In order to get past these issues, IMHO there are 2 things you need to do asap.

 

1) End the LDR. Someone has got to give, and it will probaly have to be you, since he will not move away from his children.

 

2) Dont fight em, join em. When the time is right, get to know his extended family including the Xs with children. They are not going anywhere. You might not be cool with both of them, but if you can reduce the number of "problem" relationships to 1, that may be the best you can do. Once everyone knows, your here and aint leaving, they may say hello. As should you.

 

Get closer. Listen and believe what your eyes and ears tell you, not what your insecurities think they hear. Take your time, but make a decision as to your LDR, soon. This may not be immediately possible, but you are the type that needs the touch.

[Space Ritual]

You will simply have to decide what you can live with.

 

Right now s it stands it does not seem like this relationship will be anything but a downhill slide.

 

LDR's take lot of of trust. You don't have anything resembling trust.

 

Continue this relationship at your own peril. This guy does not sound very amazing to me. Just sounds like a guy that still bangs his exes and since you are in an LDR you will never really know what is going on.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of guys out here that would love to be n a relationship with you that don't have all that baggage

[d0nnivain]

LDRs require a lot of trust. If you are not a trusting person, don't get into an LDR, it will eat you alive

 

 

People with kids must be in contact with the other parent for the child's well being. If you don't understand or can't deal with that, don't date people with kids.

 

 

No, people should not have unfettered access to their partner's phones or e-mails. Exchanging passwords is not required. While secretiveness is unhealthy too, everybody is entitled to some level of privacy. Also giving the passwords does not equal trust. Rather it's a passive way to avoid a fight with an insecure partner.

 

 

If you have trust issues you need to find out where they come from & you need to take steps to overcome them. Your inability to trust is not your partner's problem, it's yours. Fix it.

[mikeylo]

This guy is not relationship material. Too much baggage and unresolved drama. I fail to see how it is YOUR trust issue !

[x Maria x]

I see history for him repeats itself...dating someone that has trust issues AGAIN.

 

Girl, the kids and his relationship with the moms is part of who he is...it's part of the package deal. What the hell are you doing? If it's making you so sick with jealousy breakup with him and find someone that doesn't have this kind of baggage.

OR you can get yourself into therapy. You are the one with the issue and it should be deal with...just my 2 cents.

 

 

Thank you for your reply. I know what you're saying yes and I know that they're not going anywhere out of his life I've accepted that. I know that I have jealousy issues and I do try and not let them overtake me but it's just so hard at times. I know the easier thing would be to break up, but I really do love him and want to give it a chance, which is why I asked on here for advice. thank you.

 

 

 

In order to get past these issues, IMHO there are 2 things you need to do asap.

 

1) End the LDR. Someone has got to give, and it will probaly have to be you, since he will not move away from his children.

 

2) Dont fight em, join em. When the time is right, get to know his extended family including the Xs with children. They are not going anywhere. You might not be cool with both of them, but if you can reduce the number of "problem" relationships to 1, that may be the best you can do. Once everyone knows, your here and aint leaving, they may say hello. As should you.

 

Get closer. Listen and believe what your eyes and ears tell you, not what your insecurities think they hear. Take your time, but make a decision as to your LDR, soon. This may not be immediately possible, but you are the type that needs the touch.

 

 

We have talked about who will move and I agreed it would be me seeing as he has young children and I'm fine with that. I've spent a few months there already and we're talking about one more visit before making any final decisions on things. He's just worried that we'll have issues if I'm up there, but I've said it can't be avoided forever or nothing will happen, I just want to go and see what the deal is this time and how we feel and sort things.

 

Thank you for that as well about the don't fight them. I've met some of his family and friends, not the ex's yet but next time I'm up there I will. I'm dreading it but it has to happen. That's what I want yes for them to know that I'm in his life and it's me and him and get over that. The kids are no problems they love me and I love them.

 

And you're very right now about not listening fully to the insecurities. It's like if he's messaging on his phone, my mind will say, who's he chatting to, what's he saying. is it an ex or a girl etc, but that will just drive me crazy I know.

 

 

You will simply have to decide what you can live with.

 

Right now s it stands it does not seem like this relationship will be anything but a downhill slide.

 

LDR's take lot of of trust. You don't have anything resembling trust.

 

Continue this relationship at your own peril. This guy does not sound very amazing to me. Just sounds like a guy that still bangs his exes and since you are in an LDR you will never really know what is going on.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of guys out here that would love to be n a relationship with you that don't have all that baggage

 

 

I do trust him to not sleep around etc or I wouldn't be with him at all. He lives alone right now and if I didn't trust him I'd always be thinking he had someone there, I don't think that, it's all about the phone with me and chatting, because my ex did that to me badly which is probably where the insecurity comes from.

 

He can't stand either of the ex's with his kids, he puts up with them for the kids. believe me if I even thought he was sleeping with them I'd block him and get rid of his number and never speak to him again.

 

I know what you mean about deciding what I can live with though, I'm in the process of making a list as such.

 

If I wasn't in this relationship anymore now, I'd not date a man with kids again, and I'd like to be with someone without all the baggage, but in some ways everyone has some and in my 34 years I've not found anyone like the man I'm with now, he's right for me in every way it's just all this with these issues.

 

LDRs require a lot of trust. If you are not a trusting person, don't get into an LDR, it will eat you alive

 

 

People with kids must be in contact with the other parent for the child's well being. If you don't understand or can't deal with that, don't date people with kids.

 

 

No, people should not have unfettered access to their partner's phones or e-mails. Exchanging passwords is not required. While secretiveness is unhealthy too, everybody is entitled to some level of privacy. Also giving the passwords does not equal trust. Rather it's a passive way to avoid a fight with an insecure partner.

 

 

If you have trust issues you need to find out where they come from & you need to take steps to overcome them. Your inability to trust is not your partner's problem, it's yours. Fix it.

 

 

this is the first long term LDR I've had and it's hard in so many ways, but I've done it for over a year now, but I am wanting it to end and me to move if we decide that's what we want. I don't like LDR as I told him from the start, but I've done it because I love him.

 

I haven't dated people with kids in the past for that reason yes, but it just kind of happened with me and him and he's always been honest from the start about everything. I know they have to be in contact I've accepted that.

 

It's just about the level of contact. They can message him multiple times per day which I see as excessive, but he'll answer just to keep the peace, because if he doesn't they give him more hassle. He says he's tried to set boundaries before and they don't listen.

 

thank you for your input on the phones too. I understand that everyone deserves some privacy. So do you think that if you're partner is messaging you have the right to ask them who they're talking to? And do you have the right to ask them everyone who they talk to?

 

I'm not even on his Facebook yet because I'm dreading seeing him chatting to anyone else. I know a few of his ex's are on his Facebook.

 

 

This guy is not relationship material. Too much baggage and unresolved drama. I fail to see how it is YOUR trust issue !

 

Thank you. I don't think that I can be totally blamed no it's a tough situation to be in and if this ended I wouldn't do it again. I just can't give up on it at the moment feeling the way I do and wanting to see if we can make it work even with all the rest of it.

 

______________________________

 

On another forum I go on sometimes they're making him out to be awful, that he keeps in contact with the mums of his kids each day, that he goes in for a cup of tea when drops the kids off. This makes me feel even worse.

 

The phone stuff. As I said my ex he got me like that about that, would message girls, go on sex sites, exchange messages, pics and vids etc sometimes while I was sat on the sofa with him or he'd go in the bathroom with his phone or when I was in bed he'd get up and be at it. So now when my current partner is on the phone messaging those feelings come up again, who's he talking to, why is he always on his phone, etc.

 

what about the keeping in touch with other ex's as well? I know the two with the kids has to be done, but what about others, he messages them sometimes I know, I'm not comfortable with that, but he doesn't see an issue in keeping in touch if they're ok people and you have a past together.

 

Thank you for all replies.

[d0nnivain]

I would be upset about him going in for a cup of tea too. My Ex used to drop his son off & watch from the car to assure that the boy entered the house safely or when the EX moved, they'd chat through the driver's windows of the cars when they met in the rest area to exchange their son. There were lots of phone calls & texts re: the son. They weren't flirty. They were about the kid. I had no interest in reviewing them.

 

Why do you think these messages are about something other than the child's well being?

 

Yes it does sound a bit obsessive but if they really are about the kids, you need to deal with it.

 

As for the phone DH & I use each others phones periodically especially in the car or if somebody's is charging so there isn't anything secretive. I have never felt compelled to go through any SO's phone. I always dated people I trusted. If I didn't trust them, I stopped dating them. It was simple as that.

[smackie9]

...you are looking at this all wrong. Him socializing and having a great rapport with his exes is a very good sign. It's healthy, and beneficial for the children involved. This means he insists on good communication, and friendship....this makes him a nice guy even tho he made some poor choices about not using birth control, but whatever it happens. He takes responsibility, and is being mature about it.

 

I dunno, if it were me I wouldn't have a problem with it. In fact I would like to have met them and gotten to know them if I was considering living with him as a common law partner for sure.

[x Maria x]

I would be upset about him going in for a cup of tea too. My Ex used to drop his son off & watch from the car to assure that the boy entered the house safely or when the EX moved, they'd chat through the driver's windows of the cars when they met in the rest area to exchange their son. There were lots of phone calls & texts re: the son. They weren't flirty. They were about the kid. I had no interest in reviewing them.

 

Why do you think these messages are about something other than the child's well being?

 

Yes it does sound a bit obsessive but if they really are about the kids, you need to deal with it.

 

As for the phone DH & I use each others phones periodically especially in the car or if somebody's is charging so there isn't anything secretive. I have never felt compelled to go through any SO's phone. I always dated people I trusted. If I didn't trust them, I stopped dating them. It was simple as that.

 

 

Thank you. I do have a hard time not feeling jealous of what he has with them. I've accepted he wants to go in once a week when he drops the kids off and have a chat about how they're doing at school and such like. He stopped going around to tuck the youngest in goodnight because I wasn't happy about it, so I'm happy he does take notice to how I feel. He says he feels bad because it makes me feel bad when he has to do the things he has to because of the kids with them.

 

I don't think that there's anything going on with him and the two ex's of his kids. I just think they message too much, one of them can send three long messages about kids clothes, to me that's not important and shouldn't be taking up our day. He does like to have a bit of small talk with them how are you and what not. I've said to him that I think it's too much messaging, but he doesn't see an issue, as well if it keeps the peace as well.

 

I do trust him or I wouldn't have been able to do over a year LDR with him. It's just thinking he's chatting with other girls, and his other ex's who he doesn't have kids with and friends that are girls. Probably from my ex as I said with everything he did to me phone wise.

 

 

 

...you are looking at this all wrong. Him socializing and having a great rapport with his exes is a very good sign. It's healthy, and beneficial for the children involved. This means he insists on good communication, and friendship....this makes him a nice guy even tho he made some poor choices about not using birth control, but whatever it happens. He takes responsibility, and is being mature about it.

 

I dunno, if it were me I wouldn't have a problem with it. In fact I would like to have met them and gotten to know them if I was considering living with him as a common law partner for sure.

 

Thank you that makes sense yes. That's what he says with the two mums of his kids as well, that he doesn't want to be friends with them but he will be for his kids sake. He's a very good dad and a good man as well.

 

They both used him to get pregnant though, both said they were on birth control, one took two years to "fall" pregnant and his last ex got pregnant within months of being together. Messed him so much so he had a vasectomy after the last one, for fear of being used in that way again. But he's great with the kids, is very mature and takes responsibly totally.

 

I really wish I could be like you and not have a problem with it. I'm just jealous he shares kids with them and that connection and that they have to be in his life. Something I might never have with him because of the vasectomy (which he says he would get reversed but there's no guarantees it would work)

 

Next time I'm there at his very soon, I will be meeting at least one of the mums of his kids no doubt as he takes the kids ice skating and she goes. I'm dreading it because I might feel upset seeing them together and the kids and I'm sure jealousy will be there too. I wish I could be like that and not have any problems and want to get to know them a little and not get upset or jealous.

 

Me and him have talked marriage and everything, so I'm going to have to get to know them, they hate each other though so I don't know how they'd take to me.

[d0nnivain]

He stopped going around to tuck the youngest in goodnight because I wasn't happy about it, so I'm happy he does take notice to how I feel.

 

That's a bridge too far on your part IMO. For you to have an issue with how much socialization he has with his EXs is one thing. You have no right to tell him how to treat the child. The fact that he cares enough about his kid to tuck the kid in makes him an awesome dad. An adult's inability to deal with that should not operate to deprive the child of such a small comfort.

 

But since your BF already gave that up, don't revisit the issue.

[Cinnamonstix]

He stopped going around to tuck the youngest in goodnight because I wasn't happy about it, so I'm happy he does take notice to how I feel. He says he feels bad because it makes me feel bad when he has to do the things he has to because of the kids with them.

 

This part really bothered me.

 

I can understand your discomfort with this. However, you either trust this man or you don't. Please don't prevent this dad from tucking his kids into bed. You need to put the kids first in your mind, because they are his priority. They were there before you.

 

As a child of divorced parents, it would have meant so much to me to have a dad that cared as much as your bf seems to, to come tuck me in. Do you really want his youngest to grow up and ask his/her dad why he stopped?

[x Maria x]

Thank you for replies.

 

I just merely stated that I didn't like him spending the afternoon (he used to from about 2pm and stay until 7ish when his daughter went to bed) I just said I didn't like him being around hers that long. He made the decision to stop that and made arrangements to have his daughter an extra day in the week for a whole afternoon which I'm fine with. I have no issue with the kids, apart from I wish they were mine with him and he's said the same.

 

I love them and they love me, I'd happily have them stay over at weekend for another night if the BMs would let them. I'm always thinking of including the kids in things. Plus on another forum I used to go on they said that it wasn't good for split up parents to still tuck the kids in bed at night in the others house, confuses the child more.

 

I might be a jealous too possessive person sometimes but I wouldn't stop him seeing his kids, he wouldn't anyway, he loves them so much and he's a great dad, which is why I'd love to have a baby with him, because he's what a man should be raising kids, the best.