changing our ways

[pipman1]

is it better to change our ways being sepperated or should we work on it together? Like me quitting smoking not only for her but for my health and secure my money situation not only for her but for MY future and her with her attitude problem and being bossy cause after tonight that is what it comes down to is these reasons and she said she does not care about the tv situation anymore but admits that she use to. What is the best way to handle this? I would like to try once more and work this out.

[Miss Mojo]

hi pipman,

 

i was just reading through your previous posts and the one about her family.....i think it's quite likely she would benefit from some sort of professional help. with a dysfunctional family like that, you wouldn't exactly expect someone to come out fully adjusted and secure. have you tried suggesting she see someone? this can be tricky, because some people take it as a personal affront..."you think i need help?? so you're saying there's something wrong with me? you're not so perfect yourself" etc. suggest a counsellor to help BOTH of you. make sure to let her know that you really want to work this out and how important it is to you. she'd be more inclined to agree to put in her share of effort too.

 

if she agrees, offer to go with her if you want to. this might be a good way of helping her out, because you obviously don't want to give up so easily and you can work it out together. she has a lot of issues and ideas that she needs to confront if she wants to have a healthy, secure relationship with you (of course, don't just point out her problems!!)

 

i think only the two of you can best decide whether to do it together or not, so have a good, long discussion about what you want out of this relationship and the different alternatives there are to help you through this.

 

good luck!!

[pipman1]

thanks miss mojo she has been for help before she was with me but i think with the lack of support with her family. so it didnt work out.i was her first kiss and both of us was our first anything as far as touching, playing around BUT we both decide on no sexual intercorse, we are both virgins

 

and we are happy that way cause we have more fun messing around and thinking about sex i guess makes it better for us.only time will tell. thankyou for your help cause in my heart i just cannot be without her and we have to correct were we went wrong. p.i.p.man

hi pipman, i was just reading through your previous posts and the one about her family.....i think it's quite likely she would benefit from some sort of professional help. with a dysfunctional family like that, you wouldn't exactly expect someone to come out fully adjusted and secure. have you tried suggesting she see someone? this can be tricky, because some people take it as a personal affront..."you think i need help?? so you're saying there's something wrong with me? you're not so perfect yourself" etc. suggest a counsellor to help BOTH of you. make sure to let her know that you really want to work this out and how important it is to you. she'd be more inclined to agree to put in her share of effort too. if she agrees, offer to go with her if you want to. this might be a good way of helping her out, because you obviously don't want to give up so easily and you can work it out together. she has a lot of issues and ideas that she needs to confront if she wants to have a healthy, secure relationship with you (of course, don't just point out her problems!!) i think only the two of you can best decide whether to do it together or not, so have a good, long discussion about what you want out of this relationship and the different alternatives there are to help you through this. good luck!!

[Miss Mojo]

do you think she could see a professional again - this time with your support? you are very dedicated to her, and perhaps she will get somewhere talking to a professional, especially knowing that someone is there to support her all the way. it would probably give her a sense of "there is a purpose to this".

 

she wouldn't have had control issues in a relationship before because you are her first relationship. was she the only person in her household that any sort of control happening? if so, it's probably become second nature to her to feel the need to control everything, especially considering her family circumstances are so out of her control. and family is the one thing that you should be able rely upon for security, routine, support...i guess you're the closest thing to security and support she's ever had.

 

but i think it's worth a shot to go for counselling again. fair enough, she gave up the first time because she was getting support, but now she has someone to help her through this, she just may be successful. it is definitely worth a shot - together.

thanks miss mojo she has been for help before she was with me but i think with the lack of support with her family. so it didnt work out.i was her first kiss and both of us was our first anything as far as touching, playing around BUT we both decide on no sexual intercorse, we are both virgins

 

and we are happy that way cause we have more fun messing around and thinking about sex i guess makes it better for us.only time will tell. thankyou for your help cause in my heart i just cannot be without her and we have to correct were we went wrong. p.i.p.man

[Miss Mojo]

sorry pipman,

 

the following line:

 

fair enough, she gave up the first time because she was getting support...

 

should have read:

 

"...because she wasn't getting support"

 

[clia]

but,

 

You said in your previous post: "Because i love her and tonight i see it's not all her and my fault BUT the fact that her parents never really cared for her like they should of."

 

Not your problem. I know you care about this girl and love her with all your heart, but it's not your problem that she grew up in a dysfunctional household. That doesn't give her the excuse to treat you like crap. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. She is an adult now. Hey, you know what? There are a lot of people out there who have had some messed up home situations, but they don't feel the need to take it out on everyone around them.

 

I think you should insist that she get professional help before you agree to go back with her. She obviously has a lot of things that she needs to work through. (And she's young, so she probably doesn't even realize the extent of it yet.) I also think you should work on your issues separately. (And trust me, you will not succeed in quitting smoking if it's only for her. You have to want to do it.)

 

Then do this. List out ten things you love about this girl. Don't use the 'but I love her' excuse. (I'm so tired of hearing that and people not being able to back it up.) Write it down. Truly think about what it is that you love about her. You've been with her long enough that you probably feel comfortable in the relationship. Don't pass up a better opportunity simply because you are afraid to break up with her.

 

Then think about this. If she doesn't change her ways, you will probably end up in as messed up of a dysfunctional family as she grew up in. (Assuming you marry her, have kids, etc.) Is THAT what you want for your life?

[pipman1]

We both decided that we are going to work on our issues and get professional help. But we both decided that if it does'nt work out that we will leave this relationship without a war. she said she is afraid to try it again cause she does'nt have the willpower and she even told me that i am the only security that she has and that the only one that cares for her but when i am not there she feels that i don't love her and gets upset. her father is a possesive jerk and puts stuff in her head saing money is everything, and so on but he don't even want me with her because i ain't rich, he want's her with someone with alot of money.

 

but i am the type of person that does'nt give a ##### what people think they can go bang tar except for her cause i might be spending my life with that person. It took me 7mo to break her out of that habbit and it still needs some work but we will get help and if it does'nt work then it's see ya and try to have luck in the future cause i know i will.. thanks clia, p.i.p. man (- :

but, You said in your previous post: "Because i love her and tonight i see it's not all her and my fault BUT the fact that her parents never really cared for her like they should of."

 

Not your problem. I know you care about this girl and love her with all your heart, but it's not your problem that she grew up in a dysfunctional household. That doesn't give her the excuse to treat you like crap. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. She is an adult now. Hey, you know what? There are a lot of people out there who have had some messed up home situations, but they don't feel the need to take it out on everyone around them. I think you should insist that she get professional help before you agree to go back with her. She obviously has a lot of things that she needs to work through. (And she's young, so she probably doesn't even realize the extent of it yet.) I also think you should work on your issues separately. (And trust me, you will not succeed in quitting smoking if it's only for her. You have to want to do it.) Then do this. List out ten things you love about this girl. Don't use the 'but I love her' excuse. (I'm so tired of hearing that and people not being able to back it up.) Write it down. Truly think about what it is that you love about her. You've been with her long enough that you probably feel comfortable in the relationship. Don't pass up a better opportunity simply because you are afraid to break up with her. Then think about this. If she doesn't change her ways, you will probably end up in as messed up of a dysfunctional family as she grew up in. (Assuming you marry her, have kids, etc.) Is THAT what you want for your life?

[pipman1]

She told me without me asking that i am the only one that makes her feel secure and the only one that pays any attention to her and the only one that seems to care and love her and without me there she gets upset and breaks down cring but we are going to get help and if it does.nt work out we go our separate ways quietly.. thanks for your help, p.i.p. man ( - :

sorry pipman, the following line: fair enough, she gave up the first time because she was getting support... should have read: "...because she wasn't getting support"