Cell phone question [updated]

[Lois_Griffin]

Doing ok. Found a better place to hide the recorder. I heard him talking about a woman he works with. Saying she was pretty and looked like she could #uck like a racehorse.

 

Right after he made fun of me for saying flirting wasn't innocent.

 

Is that just how all men talk when away from their wives?.

That's how serial cheaters talk, which he is.

 

You honestly don't believe this is his FIRST rodeo, do you?

[Lois_Griffin]

yes, his coworker said he wanted to get dirty with a woman they work with,

 

my husband said, go ahead, I give you permission to have at it, but that one is crazy. your'e free to proceed.

 

then said, she is pretty, she doesn't look like she carries a lot of fat, she looks like she's athletic and she can f#ck like a racehorse.

 

what a pig.

 

I rest my case.

 

This ain't his first rodeo. Not by a LONG shot.

 

He's so practiced at chasing skirts that he hands them off to other guys with reviews about how they perform.

 

You've got yourself a bonafide serial cheater.

[Lois_Griffin]

Why would he do that? why bother if he can just keep being secretive?

Because serial cheaters don't want a girlfriend or a romance or an emotional tie to anyone.

 

they just want to bag as many women as possible. If they have to spend a little time before the conquest buttering up these women, then that's what they'll do.

 

Quite clearly, one of his conquests was the woman he handed over to his buddy, giving the guy a description of her 'skills' in bed.

 

These women don't mean much to an opportunist like you're husband. They're just another notch in his belt, is all.

[Lobe]

YST, my friend. You've discovered a side of your husband you didn't know. It's time to up the game. Have you contacted a PI or lawyer?

[BuddyX]

Do you have enough? Prob.

Do you have a slam dunk? Nope.

He has yet to come out and say it. Telling his friends what he would do is all future tense. You can't accuse on potential.

 

Wait a little longer. He'll slip up. Unless he knows of the VAR and he's playing you.

[yepsurething]

Well, he could've taken the picture because he wants to see her again or maybe to show it to his buddy. This is what men on the prowl do and, from what you've reported, that's who he sounds like he is to me.

 

And what's " not to understand about 'he dumped her'? Same for "why bother if he can just keep being secretive?" Could've been for any reason people dump someone they've been dating. Or maybe he was alerted by your questions and decided he should remove the object of your suspicion. Either way, it doesn't sound like she meant much to him if it was that easy.

 

I agree that some of the tough talk sounds like what others have implied: Male bullsh-t bravado, i.e., talking smack on a woman to sound like an impervious hot shot to your buddy. However, there were basic facts that seemed to be understood between them: (a) He'd hooked up with this woman before. (b) But they're no longer an item. © He has no problem with the friend having a go at her. That's how I interpret it.

 

What's unclear to me is where the friend was during their conversations:

- In post #142, you said they're "on the phone," but you also quoted a couple of things the friend said. If they were on the phone, how could you hear what the friend said?

- Then, in the post quoted above, you say your husband is "alone in the car," which implies he wasn't alone before. Was the friend also in the car at some point?

 

 

His friend is always on speaker phone. Id like to contact his wife and let her know what her husband says and about his upcoming plan to get some with some sleazy student of his. but I now understand why my husband NEVER lets me meet his friends for more than a few moments if he's passing them through the house to show them something, will never let me meet their family and wives. I even recently said I think I should meet this friend who he says is such a good friend and he shares with etc. and wants to start a business with and he says basically no. always an excuse.

[yepsurething]

YST, my friend. You've discovered a side of your husband you didn't know. It's time to up the game. Have you contacted a PI or lawyer?

 

I can't afford either.

 

its like my world is falling apart around me and everything I ever though was a lie.

 

the way he talks, acts, everything about his is not the man I know.

 

I've felt that before it life and we've had arguments about me thinking he acts differently and is flirtatious and secretive. Now as I look back it's always been this way.

 

and he's always made me feel stupid for asking any questions.

 

he would NEVER in a million years think I would do something like get a recorder and record him.

 

he is aware of my phone snooping and even did a search about what is being downloaded from my iPhone, but he won't suspect me of recording because I have ZERO money of my own...until about a month ago.

 

when he first started talking like he wanted to leave I applied for a credit card, that's how I bought the VAR. in the past there would be no way for me to do this or anything else to trace him

 

He has EVERYONE, our kids, friends that mom (me) is jealous and wacky and needs to be a trusting person.

 

F that. I'm putting together a powerpoint of all his recordings and adding some nice music and affects and I"m going to present it to him.

 

his head might explode.

 

in the last month he's told me I have a mental illness, I'm abusive, a horrible house keeper, insulted my homeschooling, said everything I like and believe in makes him sick, on and on.

 

it's hard not to kick him in the balls for sure, but as has been suggested I'm playing it cool, pretending I'm an actress playing a role. getting more info.

being nice, lots of great sex.

 

oh the nice things he says to me. I want you to feel safe and secure. to know I love you. you need to know you are intelligent and unique, have confidence in yourself.

 

Ahhhhhh. yeah A hole. I would have confidence if the ONE man in my life wasn't a sack of crap liar!!!

[yepsurething]

is there any way for you to contact her? If she was dumped she might be willing to help you..

 

he has told me to call her multiple times, so I feel like he's already told her to deny.

 

he says that things are getting awkward with her at work, she's not answering calls etc.

 

he doesn't seem broken up, but he did try 3 times to call someone and they didn't answer and he didn't leave a message.

 

only thing I can do is keep listening.

[Lobe]

I've felt that before it life and we've had arguments about me thinking he acts differently and is flirtatious and secretive. Now as I look back it's always been this way.

 

and he's always made me feel stupid for asking any questions.

 

it's hard not to kick him in the balls for sure, but as has been suggested I'm playing it cool, pretending I'm an actress playing a role. getting more info.

being nice, lots of great sex.

 

oh the nice things he says to me. I want you to feel safe and secure. to know I love you. you need to know you are intelligent and unique, have confidence in yourself.

 

I am nervous for you because you don't have that concrete evidence you need to drop the hammer, so to speak. Yes, he sounds like a passive-aggressive control freak, regardless of whether he's having an affair or not. Let's make believe that he has not in fact had an EA or PA, and his words are posturing to get the guys at work to think he's cool and hip. Is that enough for you to walk away from the marriage or are you just hoping to make him behave differently and stay in the marriage? If he already threatened to walk and he honestly hasn't had an EA or PA, he's going to know you've spying on him if you make a powerpoint so if you do decide to work it out, will he be able to get past that or will he throw it in your face forever? If you want to work things out even if he WAS having an EA or PA and being a pompous ass, how will his knowing that you spied on him affect your marriage? Will he go to counselling?

 

You also keep saying that you cannot afford to leave the marriage - you didn't even have a credit card until recently. Are you at least able to write up a plan for what happens if he walks? Is there a free online separation agreement template that you can prepare? LowDepot or something? You're probably going to feel more confident broaching the subject if you've done your due diligence about what you need to legally separate, what you're entitled to for support payments, half the assets, etc. Splitting up is a major life change and you may need to live in town.

 

Before you flay him, I suggest doing the legwork needed to cover your butt regardless of what his reaction is. Is there family you can go stay with?

[Lobe]

he says that things are getting awkward with her at work, she's not answering calls etc

 

I am just wondering if things have gone south though perhaps she would be willing to chat with you. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... or, if she is in love with him, you can tell her that all you need is the word and you will release him to her.

 

Or, you could just go on a fishing expedition... Call her up and tell her that you've had a VAR in the vehicle. Let her know what your husband has said about her, including that he's given his blessing for someone else to pursue her, and let HER do the work.

[yepsurething]

I am just wondering if things have gone south though perhaps she would be willing to chat with you. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... or, if she is in love with him, you can tell her that all you need is the word and you will release him to her.

 

Or, you could just go on a fishing expedition... Call her up and tell her that you've had a VAR in the vehicle. Let her know what your husband has said about her, including that he's given his blessing for someone else to pursue her, and let HER do the work.

 

the women he told his friend to pursue is not the same woman he was having lunches with.

 

the women he told his friend to pursue was the one he said f'd like a racehorse.

 

the other women he hasn't said anything sexual about, but after reading their emails, and hearing the things he was saying it seemed to me was having a crush or EA. (this the the original reason I started having suspicion and started reading his emails to begin with) He totally denies it saying that after looking at all of the emails he can see how may I may think that it was too friendly but if I understood the context I would see there was nothing to it.

 

so, unless there really was nothing, (though it was more flirtatious than I want from my husband) maybe he just talked to her and said, hey, my wife isn't comfortable with me being your friend so I can't do lunches anymore.

 

?? and so that could have made her feel uncomfortable, because she was flirting and even if they both want to deny it it was true, and maybe his friend was just joking when he said...'she's depressed, cause you dumped her' and my husbands reply was, 'yeah, dumped her, that's funny.'

 

any thoughts?

[yepsurething]

and no worries, I wont say anything to him until I have concrete evidence,

 

and even then I'm considering telling him what I"ve heard at a counsellor.

[elaine567]

Before you flay him, I suggest doing the legwork needed to cover your butt regardless of what his reaction is. Is there family you can go stay with?

 

I agree, you may feel justice is served and that you have the upper hand and he will have to eat humble pie and apologize to you for ever and ever and you will feel vindicated, then think again.

He may get very angry here, he may even physically throw you out, he may stop you seeing your children, as their mad mom has totally flipped this time.

With little money you are going to find it difficult to fight him for your rights and although you will have rights if you are married, then the courts may take years to sort it out.

 

YOU need to see an attorney, find out what your rights are and get your house and your kids and your farm in order for the worst case scenario. Once you know where you stand, you take steps to protect yourself, Do not alert him to any of this until you know exactly what you are doing and your ducks are in a row.

Revenge may look sweet atm, but not so sweet if you find yourself homeless and alone...

[Lobe]

any thoughts?

 

Counselling. Tell your husband you're not sure how to deal with the stresses you're feeling and that you want to seek counselling for yourself. As you do not have concrete proof at this time, what you've overheard may in fact be chauvinist bullsh*t and nothing more. If you didn't know what he had been saying, would your opinion of your husband have changed? And has your opinion of your husband changed so much because of those comments that you're willing to end your marriage over it?

 

I feel like until and unless you have concrete proof, you need to keep the VAR to yourself until you've had some time to work through it. Ideally, that would be with a counsellor, but if not, is there a close friend or family member you can confide in?

[S2B]

See an attorney and find one that does an initial free consultation.

 

That way you can find out what your rights are if you divorce him. Also have them tell you if you will get spousal support and how much child support. Ask what happens to community property, community debt and your husbands retirement account.

 

You need to know what to expect! Find out if those numbers adjust if you work - and if you don't work. Start stashing money! Find out how much it would cost to live in a place on your own.

 

You need to get a plan together in case you need to leave him!

 

Start doing your homework...

 

So sorry he's such a jerk.

[66Charger]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

Edited June 21, 2016 by 66Charger

[Lobe]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

YST knows this. She's angry and frustrated but not foolish. She's taking her time, not flying off the handle.

[yepsurething]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

 

 

The exact quote again is-

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he does say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

 

as I said, I'm going to keep listening, but please understand this, my husband told me there was NOTHING going on, well if there was NOTHING going on with the women who he still denies eating lunch with then why 'dump' her or talk to her about anything. Why would she feel awkward and avoid his calls?

 

If I wasn't snooping, I'd have no idea he even talked to her or that anything was going on and as with the last 18 years I'd go away feeling stupid and like I made something up, and I didn't.

 

I feel like my husband has been destroying my mental happiness by constantly lying to me all of these years.

 

Not sure if I want to continue on with someone who will lie knowing it makes someone else feel so out of control, and then have the nerve to call me crazy for asking any questions.

[yepsurething]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

 

 

and its not the being crude that I hate, its the lying. and my husband walks around this world acting like he would NEVER talk that way for act that way. If our son or son in laws acted this way oh boy he have something to say.

 

If you want to be a crude person own up, dont be a liar. nothing manly about it. its hurtful and sound ignorant and humiliating.

 

I really can't see how you can love and respect a women and talk the way he does about me calling me crazy and lying to me, and making the constant comments about women.

 

why would someone talk that way if they love someone??

[yepsurething]

The exact quote again is-

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he does say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

 

as I said, I'm going to keep listening, but please understand this, my husband told me there was NOTHING going on, well if there was NOTHING going on with the women who he still denies eating lunch with then why 'dump' her or talk to her about anything. Why would she feel awkward and avoid his calls?

 

If I wasn't snooping, I'd have no idea he even talked to her or that anything was going on and as with the last 18 years I'd go away feeling stupid and like I made something up, and I didn't.

 

I feel like my husband has been destroying my mental happiness by constantly lying to me all of these years.

 

Not sure if I want to continue on with someone who will lie knowing it makes someone else feel so out of control, and then have the nerve to call me crazy for asking any questions.

 

oops , I misspelled and it won't let me correct. final time this is what he says...

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he doesn't say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

[dichotomy]

oops , I misspelled and it won't let me correct. final time this is what he says...

 

Uh she is pretty, and she doesnt look like she carries a lot of fat... she look like she's athletic, and she can f*ck like a racehorse.

 

he doesn't say it looks like she can f like a racehorse, he says she can f like a racehorse, and I've listened dozens of times and with his inflections on the f word sound like he knows, but maybe not.

 

 

If I had messed around with such a woman and I was bragging to a friend I would have said

She is pretty, and she doesn't carry a lot of fat... she's athletic and she can f*ck like a racehorse..... (and then something about how great she was, how I was exhausted, or things she did in bed). I would not say she looks like she XXX - I would say she is or does XXX.

 

But you are very wise to keep listening to get the no debate/denial words from him that he has cheated or is cheating.

Edited June 21, 2016 by dichotomy

[Sabella]

I agree with the guys in regards to that recording. To me, based on that, he did not have sex with her. Not saying he's not cheating, but it's not with her. The whole "looks like" wording I still stand by. If he had any carnal knowledge of this woman he would KNOW exactly where her extra body fat is, lol, or if she was athletic. He didn't include the words "looks like" before the f'ng like a racehorse comment....but it's implied the same way to me.

 

Now I will throw myself under the bus here for you a bit, just so you know what to look for. I was in a 3 year, long distance, mostly emotional affair. We texted each other upwards of 300 times a day...all day. There were pictures and phone calls regularly. The fact that you haven't found much of anything by now tells me either there isn't much of anything to find, or you are looking in the wrong place.

 

Have you searched his phone for chatting apps like WhatsAp, KiK, or KakaoTalk? He could also be removing these apps quickly upon returning home and reinstalling them when he leaves....so look in his purchase history .

 

Because based on what you have, I don't believe it's anywhere near proof of cheating. Ofc if you are simply miserable in your marriage...you don't need proof of cheating to divorce either. You just need to decide what you want to do. Good luck

[VeveCakes]

You really can't make any sort of forensic linguistic judgement about whether or not he did by how you think you would have said it.

 

People have different dialects and ways they speak. He could very well have slept with her. It's a moot point at this point. OP needs a bit more juice before she pulls the trigger.

[Cinnamonstix]

If I had messed around with such a woman and I was bragging to a friend I would have said

She is pretty, and she doesn't carry a lot of fat... she's athletic and she can f*ck like a racehorse..... (and then something about how great she was, how I was exhausted, or things she did in bed). I would not say she looks like she XXX - I would say she is or does XXX.

 

But you are very wise to keep listening to get the no debate/denial words from him that he has cheated or is cheating.

 

She might LOOK athletic by her body type but he doesn't know if she actually IS athletic, so he wouldn't say that she is athletic unless he knows she is into fitness/sports.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Cinnamonstix

[Sabella]

You really can't make any sort of forensic linguistic judgement about whether or not he did by how you think you would have said it.

 

People have different dialects and ways they speak. He could very well have slept with her. It's a moot point at this point. OP needs a bit more juice before she pulls the trigger.

 

Sure I can, lol, that's what we are all doing, putting in our opinions and judgements based on our own filters and what the OP presents to us. So in regards to the var, maybe 50/50 he did something. If she is gong to base her divorce on cheating, your are right she needs more.

 

There should be more, by now. I'm confused as to why there is not more evidence of him being a serial cheater, as others have implied him to be. So please do check for those apps or evidence of purchase of those apps. Not sure how or if you can recover texts from those, if you do find them, but that is step one.

 

On another note, what if you never find the proof you need? How long do you take on the role of Sherlock Holmes? That needs to be addressed for youself as well.