Cell phone question [updated]

[S2B]

The bottom line is:

 

He hides big portions of his life from you

You can't trust him

You don't even know the real him

He doesn't have your best interest in mind

He's not the man he tells you he is

 

 

 

He's a farce. There's no way to feel safe or secure within this marriage.

[Sabella]

^ agreed for the most part. At the end of the day, proof of infidelity or not, you need to get clear within yourself of what to do next. Is it working on the marriage through MC, is it divorce? If you can't trust him or rebuild that trust, you need to answer these hard truths for yourself

[S2B]

For me... If that was me married to him - I wouldn't even care whether he cheated or not at this point...

 

I would realize he is not the man he portrays himself to be to me - and then I would realize I am married to a complete stranger. And then I would divorce him based on that alone.

 

Oh ya - I actually did do that - for those exact reasons! After being with my exH for nearly 25 years.

 

I gave myself so much peace of mind by eliminating him from my daily life! I don't know him at all - I only knew who I THOUGHT he WAS.

 

It was an illusion.

[merrmeade]

I think she needs a plan to GET THAT PHONE that he guards so closely. If there's a smoking gun, it's there. And check all the chatting software as people have said.

[ChickiePops]

He used the word 'dumped'. You can't dump someone that you're not involved with.

[S2B]

I think she needs a plan to GET THAT PHONE that he guards so closely. If there's a smoking gun, it's there. And check all the chatting software as people have said.

 

He won't let her - he never lets it out of his sight.

[yepsurething]

He used the word 'dumped'. You can't dump someone that you're not involved with.

 

so here is the dumped conversation word for word.

 

husband- This sh*t with XXXXX is getting awkward, avoiding me and stuff, she's not responding to a lot of stuff, she's not responding to crisis situations, people are asking me..where is XXXXX, and I'm like I don't f*ckin know. Email like...gone.

 

his friend- She's all depressed XXXX.

 

husband- F*ck that dude.

 

friend- you dumped her ass

 

husband- dumped her, that's funny

[BuddyX]

The last line is all context.

"Dumped" could reference to "Dumped? How can it be dumped, if I never went out with her".

 

As far as lying and hypocrisy regarding his character, you have to put that aside-for now. What you're after is infidelity.

Keep listening.

[yepsurething]

The last line is all context.

"Dumped" could reference to "Dumped? How can it be dumped, if I never went out with her".

 

As far as lying and hypocrisy regarding his character, you have to put that aside-for now. What you're after is infidelity.

Keep listening.

 

my question is why would she be avoiding him or acting awkward?

 

not taking his calls? not responding to crisis situations? sound like she was pretty upset, considering she is a lawyer working for the state. she shirks her duties over nothing?

 

my husband still claims they never even had lunch together. even though there are many emails between them talking about meeting for lunch.

[yepsurething]

^ agreed for the most part. At the end of the day, proof of infidelity or not, you need to get clear within yourself of what to do next. Is it working on the marriage through MC, is it divorce? If you can't trust him or rebuild that trust, you need to answer these hard truths for yourself

 

well, for 18 years any time I question him about anything he made me feel stupid. made me feel like a jealous idiot.

 

The person he pretends to be was a wonderful loving husband and father. nice guy, but there was always this underlying feeling he was lying, and now I see just the way he talks about women and carries himself when away from me, is not all all who he pretends to be.

 

Im picturing a man of importance in our society, president, CEO etc being overheard talking like my husband and it seems most people would consider what he's saying about his wife and the constant ogling of women and the sexual comments offensive. and he even tells his friend what we are doing sexually.

 

so, the reason I am continuing on is that I am going to sit down with him once I put it all together and let him listen to who he really is, he needs to hear himself.

 

he recently told me I was abusive (cause I question him and yell during arguments- about lies of course) and told me I have a mental illness.

 

he makes our kids and the rest of the family think I"m a crazy jealous women. and the all believe him and look down on me.

 

he needs to apologize for this life of lies.

[MadJackBird]

well, for 18 years any time I question him about anything he made me feel stupid. made me feel like a jealous idiot.

 

The person he pretends to be was a wonderful loving husband and father. nice guy, but there was always this underlying feeling he was lying, and now I see just the way he talks about women and carries himself when away from me, is not all all who he pretends to be.

 

Im picturing a man of importance in our society, president, CEO etc being overheard talking like my husband and it seems most people would consider what he's saying about his wife and the constant ogling of women and the sexual comments offensive. and he even tells his friend what we are doing sexually.

 

so, the reason I am continuing on is that I am going to sit down with him once I put it all together and let him listen to who he really is, he needs to hear himself.

 

he recently told me I was abusive (cause I question him and yell during arguments- about lies of course) and told me I have a mental illness.

 

he makes our kids and the rest of the family think I"m a crazy jealous women. and the all believe him and look down on me.

 

he needs to apologize for this life of lies.

 

He is Gaslighting you. Read up on it.

 

Try not to yell during arguments. Remain calm, give yourself breaks if needed. This was my biggest downfall as well.

[yepsurething]

I think you are getting some really bad advice. You keep changing what the recording says and it changes the whole meaning. You still have nothing.

 

Example. In "Man" language

 

"I dumped her? Thats funny"

 

Translation. Dont be ridiculous. I never dumped her, she may have thought there was something, but it wasnt happening. Wasnt close"

 

And adding in the word "looks" like she could f like a racehorse, clearly states that he never had her. Again, a man would recognize this easily.

 

You may chose to ignore and listen to the girlfreinds, but if you bring this out in counseling with this flimsy evidence, you may look real bad. It is easily defensible

 

I dont champion cheaters, but If anything, this could be read to show he DIDNT CHEAT. At least, Not with her.

 

You had better know what you are doing.

 

Focus, take your time. If being crude is a reason to divorce. Go ahead

 

 

Why would she feel awkward? he acts like he never even talked to her about this or much of anything else but obviously he did. and why would she avoid his calls and her work duties? and if there was nothing going on why did he need to talk to her at all?

[merrmeade]

Nevermind whether he actually had lunch with her, f-ked her at the races and dumped her, he's got a secret life away from her and they don't communicate or share their lives. That is a problem she has the right to do something about.

 

After I found out about my husband's infidelity, I poured over his emails and told him that I felt he'd been inappropriate with someone above him at work. (This person moved to another firm, and he'd hoped she'd help him get hired.) He scoffed at my suggestion.

 

We went to marriage counseling and we - or rather I - started talking about what was what and everything - everything we should have shared and what had been inappropriate - everything. Then, in a conversation about his past behavior and motives, I pulled it up and showed him what he'd written. He'd emailed her that he'd had a dream about her and could they meet for lunch some time. He agreed it was totally inappropriate.

 

I'm just saying, if you don't have definitive proof and you're not able to prove infidelity, maybe you should step back and look at the big picture of what you want with him and what he should be with you. There's a lot wrong.

[66Charger]

Why would she feel awkward? he acts like he never even talked to her about this or much of anything else but obviously he did. and why would she avoid his calls and her work duties? and if there was nothing going on why did he need to talk to her at all?

 

Because maybe she did want something and he set her straight. There may have been flirting (which is never harmless) and someone took it too far. A woman scorned?

 

All this is SPECULATION, but in my opinion only, you are barking up the wrong tree. After a few weeks of monitoring, one thing is obvious. He is not CURRENTLY in a affair, and if he was in the past, it wasnt with this woman. This is why I suggest caution. If you confront on this, with this "evidence", he may have proof that he "dumped" her and nothing happened. Then you will look like a jealous crazy person.

 

What is obvious is that he does not fear what she might say. She is not his "freind" and it doesnt appear she would lie for him, yet he tells you to call her?

 

Again, I suggest a little more monitoring, but soon you have to stop with the VAR if this is all you have, and search other communication history or take what you have and make a decision. But do not manufactor something that may not be there.

 

Can anyone say there is definitely a affair based on the evidence presented so far?

 

I also suggest that you not disclose his conversations for 2 reasons. Number 1 a VAR could be used later, but not if it is disclosed. And number 2, I feel snooping when looking for infidelity, is ok, but it is NOT fair to use other bits of information gleaned from this. You are looking for infidelity and that should be your focus.

 

I will be honest, if my thoughts and communications with my friends were monitored by my SO, I may have said a few things that could have been hurtful, but at the end of the day, I try not to DO things that are hurtful. Its the best a imperfect person can do.

 

With all this being said, you deserve to be treated with respect. Even if there is no smoking gun, you are not happy with how you are treated. And I agree with you. However this plays out, put a end to that behaviour. This is your life and you want to make the best of it. Dont ask for changes, demand it or put the consequences on the table and stick to it.

 

I may be 100% wrong on the affair, but you are 100% right on how you want your life to be. Change it.

 

Strength and Honor

Edited June 22, 2016 by 66Charger

[dichotomy]

Good post 66charger.

 

One of the other things (in my own view) is when your spying - what is being said about you in these causal chats with others. I don't mean bitching about something like a bad dinner, or the sofa you bought or your mother in law - or argument you had - I mean if your husband is insulting, degrading or disrespecting you to his friends. I get that some might say if he is talking about some hot chick's body, or how great she MIGHT LOOK to be in bed, that this is disrespectful to you ... but I mean directly saying very negative things about you. I think that's more to issues in the marriage and who you are married to. But keep looking for the actual cheating - 30 days would be enough to confirm.

Edited June 22, 2016 by dichotomy

[ChickiePops]

It's easy to tell someone not to listen to the parts of the conversations that she records that do not involve infidelity. Not so easy for her to forget them. She can't unhear what she's heard.

 

Of course everyone says things that they wouldn't want their significant others to hear sometimes. I'm guilty of that and I'm sure my boyfriend is too. But the OP is worried about being lied to as much as she is about infidelity. She's going to hear some bad stuff that she's not going to be able to forget about..spying on your spouse is a dangerous game. But in the long run its up to her to decipher what she hears and whether it's divorce-worthy or not, whether that's infidelity, lying, or something else she may come across. It's not fair to chastise her for being hurt or confused by what she hears.

 

Infidelity isn't the only reason to divorce someone..if she hears something that she can't live with, that's up to her.

[66Charger]

I agree and stated she may need to look at what info she has and that the primary focus should be on her happiness and make the changes. Either way, YST I wish you well.

 

66 out.

[Lobe]

YST, are you ok?

[yepsurething]

well, I couldn't take it anymore and I told my husband I listened in to some of his phone calls.

 

it's been a rough weekend.

 

it reference to the 'f*cks like a race horse' comment he claims that was just crude guy talk, ? and the comment about the women he 'dumped' he says that was a joke too.

 

he said he looked over the emails he had been exchanging with her and saw how they could be construed at too friendly and talked to her to let her know that I saw the emails and was uncomfortable with them and wanted to let her know if she had gotten the wrong impression he wanted to clarify that he hadn't meant to be to friendly or give the wrong impression and he said that must have made her uncomfortable. hmm. don't know.

 

in reference to him making fun of me and calling me crazy, well after he through a complete fit he apologized for that as well.

 

He swears he hasn't had an affair, that he's sorry for being 'too friendly' (he refuses to call it flirting) and isn't going to make fun of me anymore. He said he loves me and can't live without me.

 

well, we're going to schedule counseling and maybe that will help us communicate better.

 

just wanted to update. not sure what to think or believe, but done with recording for a while.

[BuddyX]

You tipped your cap too early. He'll go underground. If that's at least not Flirting than I don't know what is

[yepsurething]

You tipped your cap too early. He'll go underground. If that's at least not Flirting than I don't know what is

 

yeah, i realize, I just couldn't stand it anymore.

 

=/

[BetrayedH]

yeah, i realize, I just couldn't stand it anymore.

 

=/

 

Not meaning to pile on but...hopefully you've learned. The confrontation is so incredibly tough to resist but it almost never accomplishes anything. A liar will just continue to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. Honestly, what did you really learn from confronting him? Nothing, right?

 

It's important to keep in mind that you don't have to prove anything to him. You just need to convince yourself. You need enough info so that you can make an informed decision. Once you "know," the best confrontation is done with divorce papers. All this confrontation has done is alert him to your snooping. You've reduced the odds of getting the information you really need. Betrayed spouses rarely get more than one chance to figure out what's really gone on. Most of us made the same mistake you did. Try not to squander any more shots you might get.

[Lobe]

YST are you satisfied and do you believe your husband? I know people still ask me if I'm sure if WH isn't underground but I've spent enough time scoping his internet activity, surprising him at work for lunch, and fishing for inconsistencies that I'm satisfied I believe him. I'm satisfied. Are you?

[Poutrew]

well, I couldn't take it anymore and I told my husband I listened in to some of his phone calls.

 

it's been a rough weekend.

 

it reference to the 'f*cks like a race horse' comment he claims that was just crude guy talk, ? and the comment about the women he 'dumped' he says that was a joke too.

 

he said he looked over the emails he had been exchanging with her and saw how they could be construed at too friendly and talked to her to let her know that I saw the emails and was uncomfortable with them and wanted to let her know if she had gotten the wrong impression he wanted to clarify that he hadn't meant to be to friendly or give the wrong impression and he said that must have made her uncomfortable. hmm. don't know.

 

in reference to him making fun of me and calling me crazy, well after he through a complete fit he apologized for that as well.

 

He swears he hasn't had an affair, that he's sorry for being 'too friendly' (he refuses to call it flirting) and isn't going to make fun of me anymore. He said he loves me and can't live without me.

 

well, we're going to schedule counseling and maybe that will help us communicate better.

 

just wanted to update. not sure what to think or believe, but done with recording for a while.

 

 

Where you go from here is to ask for a polygraph test. If all that happened was what he admitted to, then he should have no problem with taking one because it will support his version of events, and then you can both have a good conversation concerning proper spousal behavior. If he hems and haws and comes up with every excuse under the sun to not take one, then you will have your answer and you can decide what to do from there...

Be strong, YST, and good luck.

[merrmeade]

Where you go from here is to ask for a polygraph test. If all that happened was what he admitted to, then he should have no problem with taking one because it will support his version of events, and then you can both have a good conversation concerning proper spousal behavior. If he hems and haws and comes up with every excuse under the sun to not take one, then you will have your answer and you can decide what to do from there...

Be strong, YST, and good luck.

Yes, this is a really good idea and probably your best chance at present. You need to insist on it in while he's still penitent and you have some leverage.