Cell phone question [updated]

[yepsurething]

Oh, I know what you mean! I seriously thought I had lost my g*ddamned marbles!!!

 

YST, work on your separation agreement. Seriously. And it's time to get tested for STDs. And it's time to cut him off from sex. What's he going to do - threaten to leave you if you don't put out? You're close to having what you need. It's time to turn the power dynamic around an start playing hardball.

 

Oh, I am so angry for you right now. SO ANGRY. I want to go punch your husband in the balls for you LOL

 

ok, Im really worried about having an STD now. Ugh. A few months ago I had some physical sign of an vaginal infection..I mentioned it to hubby at the time. it lasted weeks, thought it could be lube or condoms etc. other symptoms too, and now that i look up these symptoms in STDs it sounds like I could have something.

 

I actually talked to husband about it, and told him my symptoms could be an STD. he swears i have nothing to worry about he hasn't touched or been physical with anyone. ?? I seem to remember my husband having a couple symptoms as well, but not sure about it.

 

there is a home test I can take.

 

anyone else get an STD?

[Lobe]

I didn't have any STDs from hubby's affair (never had one from anyone) but I have a girlfriend who got busted because she had a fling at the bar and her husband was diagnosed first. (That was U-G-L-Y)

 

I would go get tested, just to be on the safe side - many STDs are asymptomatic and some, like syphilis, can lay dormant for years. Sorry, YST.

[BuddyX]

Funny how the friend brings out the worst in him. Hmmm, kinda shift blaming there. Personally he's a coward and worst, a hypocrite.

Pay attention to his next conversation with his buddy. It will speak volume about what kind of person he is.

[CarrieT]

there is a home test I can take.

No.

 

Go to a doctor. These home tests have a reputation for giving false-positives. Don't waste the money.

[BetrayedH]

update-

 

ok, like I said I'm putting the VAR in his bag and this is now about the only chance I'll have to ever hear anything as he has cut off all phone contact via cell.

 

We talked last night. He has apologized for talking the way he did,. he said he's upset I heard him, but almost glad I did so I could let him know how he sounded.

he said he never wanted to be one of those guys and that he would be devastated if his kids or family ever heard him. he also said his friend brings out the worst in him and he sees that .

 

of course he still hasn't been honest so all of this could be just lies to console me. I feel like I'm in a horror film and you can't tell who is real and who is fake.

 

but I won't let on about hearing any more because without the truth Im going to lose my mind so I'll just be patient I guess. hard for me.

 

and I'll contact an attorney. I realize I am a just a trusting door mat in ways. My name isn't on our home...(though everything I read says this doesn't matter because we've been together so long) my name isn't on the bank account, which he said he's changing tomorrow when he's near our bank. I'm even looking into farm loans for low income mothers and families. either for my farm or a smaller farm.

 

thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. before I came here I felt like a horrible witch for wanting to see my husbands cell phone. without the support I would probably have just moved on and pushed those feeling aside until the next time.

 

Great post. Trust me, for almost all of us there were periods where we made decisions with our emotions instead of with our heads. Do your best to keep your head in the game.

 

You are correct that almost every asset (and debt) will be considered "marital" unless they can be established as having been a personal asset (or debt) prior to the marriage and there was no co-mingling after that. In my divorce, it was simple math (well, it was simple once you had all of the numbers anyway). It likely won't matter at all whose name is on what. Of course, an attorney can confirm. If he's also bringing in the lion's share of the income, you may also end up with a decent monthly payment from him for spousal and/or child support depending on how custody goes. Maybe you can include costs for keeping up with the animals. Whether or not his infidelity is an additional factor is another question; most jurisdictions are simply "no fault" and they don't care whose fault the divorce is. But some states do recognize fault for infidelity and it can impact spousal support (alimony), child custody, and child support. That said, infidelity can be hard to "prove" and some of the methods (like these recordings) may be both inadmissible or even illegal.

 

I'm sorry to say it but if he's still lying, it's best to consider him an adversary and one that uses your emotional decisions against you. For me, it was quite liberating to no longer be duped (even though my wife still thought she was pulling the wool over my eyes).

[S2B]

I got a yeast infection every time he cheated. That can be cured with monostat.

 

It wasn't until I'd left him that it made sense.

 

Haven't had one since I divorced him 10 years ago.

[merrmeade]

I just dont know what to think about him talking about me negatively. Is that normal guy banter too?

 

He calls me crazy, and makes fun of some of the stuff I say to him in privacy. He has also called the lunch girl crazy..the girl he want to f like race horse is called crazy.

 

I asked him why we women are all crazy. maybe its him who's crazy. its what happens when you make a women feel liked or loved then sneak and cheat. makes a women feel crazy. difference is, I have the right to be crazy over him, not these other women.

I disagree that you "don't know what to think" about his negative talk about you or calling every woman he talks about 'crazy.' I think you know because you're asking and you're explaining just fine what's wrong with it.

 

He's supposed to have your back. You're supposed to be #1, the person he defends and cares for the most. Why would he be calling THAT person all the things he did?

 

But regardless of anything else, you don't need our stamp of approval for YOUR FEELINGS. Your feelings are valid. Period. Just because you can't explain why right away, doesn't mean you "shouldn't" feel that way. We all do that - sense something and then figure out later in our conscious minds the whys and wherefores.

 

I think you have been gaslighted and dismissed, not taken seriously for so long that you don't even trust your own instincts. I think you've been put on the defensive and made fun of for so long that you yourself dismiss what you see, hear, think and even know.

 

Posting on LS - writing what you think and KNOW, reading and responding to so many insightful posts, being validated by people who've had similar experiences - all that is giving you confidence and strength to stand your ground.

 

But it's not a straight trajectory. We go backwards and forwards. And that's what I see you doing in this regard - but mainly only after talking to him. He does that to you, don't you see????

[merrmeade]

I worry that he does this thing to your mind and confidence, making you doubt what you understood. When you first confronted him, he said he was so sorry:

He denied them at first, got furious second, then he cried, said he was sorry.

 

...in reference to him making fun of me and calling me crazy, well after he through a complete fit he apologized for that as well.

 

He swears he hasn't had an affair, that he's sorry for being 'too friendly' (he refuses to call it flirting) and isn't going to make fun of me anymore. He said he loves me and can't live without me.

But then the very next day he does that very thing he said he wouldn't do and makes fun of you again with the friend. He makes fun of his own sincerity since "men are dogs"—even gets defiant:

first thing he does when he gets to work is call cheat buddy and tell him not to call his cell anymore and if he does don't mention hot chicks or lunch date girl.

...

he says, my wife just doesnt understand men are dogs.

 

and then says 'I'm not going down like this'.

I mean, he did a complete turn-around. But then yesterday, you started softening:

He has apologized for talking the way he did,. he said he's upset I heard him, but almost glad I did so I could let him know how he sounded.

 

he said he never wanted to be one of those guys and that he would be devastated if his kids or family ever heard him.

 

he also said his friend brings out the worst in him and he sees that.

I hope you reread what you've written or relisten and realize that it's not just that he lied; it's that he BRAGGED without shame about lying - right after he'd had a heart-to-heart with you!! Such a quick turn-around is proof enough he's either a con man or has multiple personalities!

 

I told him I'd like his friends wifes number to talk to her and see if she likes what s being said about her. Of course he refused and I can't seem to find her online.

It's maybe better not to make a demand if you aren't going to follow through. His reaction is kind of predictable. But we've all done it, too. Edited June 30, 2016 by merrmeade

[S2B]

It's not normal guy banter when a man respects you.

 

I'm not sure he respects women at all - with the way he talks to his "friend".

 

You can't teach him at this age how to respect women.

[strugglinghubby]

I was in a similar situation to you now, with a bit of proof that things have been going on but nothing concrete. The thing that broke it all open for me was the mobile phone. I'd strongly encourage you to demand his phone off him, and use a reovery program to recover any deleted text messages etc. You can find them for free, and even though he's deleted messages off there they will likely still be recoverable. However once you request the phone, don't let it out of your sight until you have it. If he does a factory resent you'll lose all evidence.

 

I gave my WW the ultimatum that I wanted her phone to do a recovery, she replied that she needed some time to think about whether she wanted me to or not. Said that there were things on there that she has said about me that would hurt me. I knew right then there was a gold mine of information to be had. I told her I wanted it, and that if I found that the phone had been wiped or factory reset I would assume that means a complete admission of guilt.

 

As an example of it not being managed well, after I busted it open and found the OM's wife and told her everything he immediately went and factory reset his burner phone, then jammed a screw driver into the charging port to destroy the phone. Damage was done for him though, as I had copies of the messages from my WW's end which I was more than happy to share!

[yepsurething]

wow, I re read what I've posted and I guess maybe I am a dumb door mat.

 

even last night, I tried to talk to him and he swears nothing has happened. he says if he told me something happened it would be a lie.

 

he says he hasn't so much as touched hands with another female, no sex, no kissing.

 

I told him I was worried I had an STD and he said there's no possibility of that..I still am testing myself though.

 

I just dont know what to believe.

 

he suspects Ive put a spyware on his computer because I saw him trying to add anti spy ware to his computer.

 

so far he hasn't done anything objectionable. not talked to anyone I can see.

 

and his friend is on vacation and since they dont talk by cell any longer no communication there.

 

must be driving him nuts, because he used to be constantly chatting with him.

 

is there a possibility with all Ive heard that nothing has happened?

 

I want to take the recording to a counsellor and ask them what they think? or ask him to listen and explain himself.

 

 

well, he's going to be home for 11 days on vacation. he's been coming home early every day, trying to be with me and the kids I guess.

 

he seems sorry and regretful for what ever he's done. but I'm pretty easy to convince.

 

=(

[Lobe]

My guess is that he's on high alert and will do whatever he needs to make you feel secure again. Whether that is because he's had a change of heart or because he needs things with you to simmer down before he can resume the prowl, who knows. The "I'm not going down like this" comment is what sticks with me the most, and the fact he's putting anti spyware on the computer is telling.

 

For whatever it's worth, you don't need to install spyware on his computer if you can log traffic on your router instead. He may purchase a burner phone, so don't give up on VAR just yet, either. I have this sinking feeling we are only at first intermission. I suggest not letting your guard down just yet.

 

Do you have anything fun planned for his vacation time?

[BuddyX]

Don't confront him with the evidence, you don't have a smoking gun-just yet.

Funny, but my close friend has a buddy who's a body builder. He told him, you don't get caught for steroids (in competition) you get caught for using a masking agent.

Why is your husband looking for anti-spyware when he's got nothing to hide?

The world around him is crumbling. He's afraid his true character will come out in the open, and he can't stand that.

Also, if he can't talk to his BF, he'll crack and talk to someone. Be vigilant.

[merrmeade]

wow, I re read what I've posted and I guess maybe I am a dumb door mat.

 

even last night, I tried to talk to him and he swears nothing has happened. he says if he told me something happened it would be a lie.

 

he says he hasn't so much as touched hands with another female, no sex, no kissing.

 

I told him I was worried I had an STD and he said there's no possibility of that..I still am testing myself though.

 

I just dont know what to believe.

 

he suspects Ive put a spyware on his computer because I saw him trying to add anti spy ware to his computer.

 

so far he hasn't done anything objectionable. not talked to anyone I can see.

 

and his friend is on vacation and since they dont talk by cell any longer no communication there.

 

must be driving him nuts, because he used to be constantly chatting with him.

 

is there a possibility with all Ive heard that nothing has happened?

 

I want to take the recording to a counsellor and ask them what they think? or ask him to listen and explain himself.

 

 

well, he's going to be home for 11 days on vacation. he's been coming home early every day, trying to be with me and the kids I guess.

 

he seems sorry and regretful for what ever he's done. but I'm pretty easy to convince.

 

=(

Well then, I'm even dumber. You couldn't find anyone dumber. We're talking decades of dumb, but it's actually not that for either of us. It's trust, upbringing, naivite - just never having been around promiscuity that much.

 

Now, that's said, reread what you just wrote. You're saying all the things HE SAID as if they're true. You're still going to him, asking and expecting the truth, thinking that he is the same person you thought you were interacting with all these years. But you've already discovered a side of him you didn't know, so you don't know when he's telling the truth.

 

Instead of thinking about whether he's telling the truth, try thinking about how and why he would lie. I assure you, you won't figure it out in an hour. It takes some time, but it's the kind of thinking that will help you understand how he can be and do ALL the things you're seeing and hearing, the good and the bad. He has to maintain a certain persona with you, but with his friend he can be naughty. The question is whether it's all talk.

 

But this is stuff for you to sort out over the next few years. Right now, you need to put your need to have heart-to-hearts, constantly showing your hand of thoughts and suspicions, and go back on stealth mode. He's GOT to think he's put you off the scent or you can forget finding out anything.

[flowergirl14]

Your story could /is mine. Animal lovers etc. Even our husbands are the same height. Let me tell you ..you want to believe that your h is someone better than what you've found him to be. He isnt. He is a typical cheater like mine. Content with the family life but wanting strange on the side. I discovered my h multiple affairs and his Ashley Madison account. I could not function for a year. Cried every.single. day. In public in front of kids and family at sporting events. I was suicidal and lost 30 lbs.

 

We went to counseling with different mc and I went alone. The counselors WILL NOT MAKE YOUR HUSBAND TELL THE TRUTH. In fact, i think cheaters use what they hear at counseling to manipulate further. Cheaters will do anything and everything to smooth things over. Vacations you have alwanted to go on..check. Spend time with the kids..check. Date nights, taking out the trash...check. Whatever your weakness is, they will hone in on that.

 

But...they NEVER stop cheating. See most of them want Both. The spouse, kids and and ap for excitement. My h went on to his next ap while in marriage counseling. I pd money and bought books and programs. Waste of both time and money. My situation isnt unique neither is yours.

 

Be prepared to 1. Divorce. 2. Have multiple ddays. 3. Stay and bury your head in the sand.

 

Checkout other infidelity help sites too. Infidelity help group has some great articles and chump lady. Your h is a liar and cheater. Very rarely do you find concrete Proof like seeing them in the act. Trust your instincts. There are very few unicorns that turn out to be remorseful and changed cheaters. Very few! You are smart to look into separating and financing yourself.

Edited July 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[elaine567]

and his friend is on vacation and since they dont talk by cell any longer no communication there.

 

must be driving him nuts, because he used to be constantly chatting with him.

 

YOU may be "lucky", if he is missing is friend that much he may end up speaking to his OW.

BUT for God's sake stop pestering him. The road to truth is not to be found in words from his mouth.

If he is having an affair he will lie and lie and lie and lie...

Edited July 1, 2016 by elaine567

[S2B]

wow, I re read what I've posted and I guess maybe I am a dumb door mat.

 

even last night, I tried to talk to him and he swears nothing has happened. he says if he told me something happened it would be a lie.

 

he says he hasn't so much as touched hands with another female, no sex, no kissing.

 

I told him I was worried I had an STD and he said there's no possibility of that..I still am testing myself though.

 

I just dont know what to believe.

 

he suspects Ive put a spyware on his computer because I saw him trying to add anti spy ware to his computer.

 

so far he hasn't done anything objectionable. not talked to anyone I can see.

 

and his friend is on vacation and since they dont talk by cell any longer no communication there.

 

must be driving him nuts, because he used to be constantly chatting with him.

 

is there a possibility with all Ive heard that nothing has happened?

 

I want to take the recording to a counsellor and ask them what they think? or ask him to listen and explain himself.

 

 

well, he's going to be home for 11 days on vacation. he's been coming home early every day, trying to be with me and the kids I guess.

 

he seems sorry and regretful for what ever he's done. but I'm pretty easy to convince.

 

=(

 

 

 

I'm interested in knowing why you keep talking to him about any of it - he's proven he just lies.

 

You're just asking for more lies from the liar.

 

YOU need to start taking care of you/yourself. That's your job.

 

He may be your husband but he's not looking out for your best interest.

 

Start relying on self for what you need. Get a plan together. See if someone may be willing to help you.

 

Don't take info and/or concerns to him anymore.

[S2B]

Any update?

[Lady2163]

Okay, this is almost to the point on not being on topic since so much has happened since the first post, but one thing I wanted to point out.

 

I am super, super fussy about my phone, computer and tablet. It isn't that I'm hiding anything but I've had too many computers destroyed by boyfriends,,roommates and the exH. I don't share anymore. If an aids like limewire virus takes out my computer, then it is only my fault.

 

I don't even like handing phone or tablet over to show joke or picture. I swear to Gos, my 80 year old mother may have the exact same tablet, but the second I show her something on Facebook, with one swipe, my tablet is now showing everything in a foreign language. I have no clue how she does it. I'm really not exaggerating.

 

So, for me to hand over my phone, tablet or computer to someone else has nothing to do with what I may or may not be hiding. It has to do with me trusting them to not wipe out X number of years of my personal history, music, pictures, letters, projects, etc.

 

Because of that baggage, if someone wanted to see my phone, I'd be perfectly willing to have them sit next to me while I operated it and showed them what they wanted to see.

[Lobe]

I'm on the road with spotty internet and summer is in high gear but I wanted to come and check on you, YST... how's it going?

[yepsurething]

well, husbands home no vacation so he's been mostly leaving his phone laying around and told me I can look at it, but of course he's not talking anymore to his friend since he thinks I listened in to his calls.

 

and to S2B I guess I keep taking to him because I love him and hope I"m wrong about what I'm hearing somehow.

 

and I am still trying to get the truth from him even though I guess he lied before so how can I trust anything he says.

 

he told me that he's ashamed and disgusted by his behavior, that this guy alone is how he acts like this (which isn't really true because when I recorded him he was still talking like that by himself)

 

he says he's ending the friendship with the guy..doubtful.

 

He starts every conversations by telling my how 3 months ago he thought I didn't love him and so he stopped caring. I ask what that means that he stopped caring and he gets angry and says it means he stopped caring about what I thought.

 

When he's home and he's not on his phone I feel happy and like everything is like it always was, but I know as soon as he goes back to work I'm going to feel sick to my stomach again and worrying, not to mention I know he's still not telling me everything so thats just making it worse for me.

 

when I push all this aside and just try to forget it everything seems back to normal and I wonder if this is just something that he started and it got out of control. he's happy with the farm and family again. talking about all the same old things...like everything is back to normal.

 

guess I'll keep listening after he goes back to work in a week. wish I could say I'm handling it all ok, but Im not, and Im happy one day and crying and wanting info from the husband the next.

 

I don't really know how to move on. another week of vacation so I probably won't learn much .

[yepsurething]

Okay, this is almost to the point on not being on topic since so much has happened since the first post, but one thing I wanted to point out.

 

I am super, super fussy about my phone, computer and tablet. It isn't that I'm hiding anything but I've had too many computers destroyed by boyfriends,,roommates and the exH. I don't share anymore. If an aids like limewire virus takes out my computer, then it is only my fault.

 

I don't even like handing phone or tablet over to show joke or picture. I swear to Gos, my 80 year old mother may have the exact same tablet, but the second I show her something on Facebook, with one swipe, my tablet is now showing everything in a foreign language. I have no clue how she does it. I'm really not exaggerating.

 

So, for me to hand over my phone, tablet or computer to someone else has nothing to do with what I may or may not be hiding. It has to do with me trusting them to not wipe out X number of years of my personal history, music, pictures, letters, projects, etc.

 

Because of that baggage, if someone wanted to see my phone, I'd be perfectly willing to have them sit next to me while I operated it and showed them what they wanted to see.

 

yes, my post has gotten off topic, and at this point and the fact that Ive been with this man for 18 years and we raised 6 kids together he should have given me his phone. he didn't, he erased he phone before letting me see it, and now I really don't trust him because he should have just let me see it in the first place if he wasn't hiding anything. My feelings are more important than his privacy, just as his feeling would be more important than my privacy,

 

and really I can't even believe I questioned whether or not I should be able to see his phone. seems so obvious now.

[VeveCakes]

He's guilty and now on his best behaviour until he figures out how you know all this. Then he will be right back to what he was up to before. Don't show your cards yet.

[lovey34]

Ive been married for about 18 years. Porn has always been an issue in our marriage, and I know there are differing opinions, but regardless this has been an issue for me/us.

 

My husband acts very suspiciously with his phone and I always just assume its because he is hiding porn.

 

he won't EVER leave his phone even when using the bathroom or sleeping. He keeps it plugged right by his head.

 

He never leaves his phone upward, it's always locked, and up until about 2 months ago I didn't have password, but regardless he will never leave his phone anyway.

 

when I enter the room he will suddenly swipe his screen, or put it face down quickly. Ive talked to him about it, and he was pretty defensive and accused me of being insecure. I agreed and said i would feel better if he would loosen up about his phone and let me look at it, like he can mine.

 

so he says, 'do I ever get texts from women? sure I do for work.' well, I never even asked about that, and so I him if I can please see his phone and he says, how about I let you see all the emails I get on my computer, there are more there." I said I'd rather see the phone, thats the point, and he said NO.

 

recently he 'emailed' me to tell me he was leaving because he is feeling abused because I don't trust him and get mad cause after 18 years I figure he should just let me see his phone. What could be the big deal. I wash his underwear, pop his zits, birth his kids, but i can't see the damn phone.

 

I know I read time and again from both sides, the people who say give privacy and get over it, and those who say marriage partners should be able to look at each others phones. I'm in the second group.

 

I have told him that I already know he's looking at porn, so I say if thats what your hiding I don't care, I would just like to see the phone. still no go.

 

Oh, he is doing some 'typical' having an affair stuff, exercising, diet changes, new clothes, saying he want's to leave. No affection what so ever.

 

He says he is not having an affair. I did ask.

 

I feel my phone is like my purse or wallet. Not private in my family. My kids can use my phone just like they can dig through my purse and so can my husband. I think there should be nothing you can't share with a spouse.

 

so, do any of you feel ok when a partner says flatly NO you can't see my phone.

 

what are other couples doing about phone privacy?

 

a man can hide his porn watching if he wanted to. this is not from porn I'm sorry to say. he has a lot more to hide. get on your account and look at calls and their duration, and texts. he has shady actions and as much as i would want to not cause headaches/confrontation i would just take mental notes. some men are very private and i have this issue with my man, but i believe that i should at least have the password to the phone. i don't need to snoop around all the time and try to find anything but a woman should always have access. thats my opinion.

best of luck

[S2B]

So he deleted everything? Hmmm

 

Well, now that he got rid of everything he's letting you see it... If install a recovery program on it and get all the deleted info.

 

And he probably is thinking he will out smart you - he's likely got a burner phone now.