Cell phone question [updated]

[aileD]

Can you be without your phone for a few days?

 

If so, hide it in his car. Use find my friends or find my iPhone from your computer to track where he goes.

[merrmeade]

You have all given me the courage to know I have the 'right' to demand answers. It's changed everything for me and really it's changed my husband too because now he doesn't even question that I have the 'right' to see his stuff, especially if I'm worried..he said he wants me to have access to everything of his so I can feel at ease...maybe that's so he can go back to the same thing once I stop looking, or because he realizes he was a ass and was treating me badly. Thats what he's told me, that he was reckless with my emotions and feels devastated by that.

This is saying a lot. I know what you mean. I did the same thing as you in the beginning, asking myself if I had the right to read his emails, etc. LS gets you past that one in no time.

 

 

Besides Fnd my iPhone, you can download a program that reads the deleted messages.

[merrmeade]

One question related to your logic—i.e., maybe he's telling the truth about everything based on the fact that he made one of his crude comments clearly provoked by his need to prove his manliness to his male colleagues:

 

How do you explain his efforts to hide his phone messages when you first started asking questions? Why did he stop seeing the woman (women?) that you were worried about?

 

If you have an explanation that totally makes sense to you and you're at peace with, that's all that matters. For me, the more I live with my knowledge of what my husband did, the better I am at picking up inconsistencies now. And I never dismiss anything on the basis of - well, poor thing, he's burdened with this programming to be this way.

 

So YST, just saying to keep raising your standards for BOTH of you. Expect the best and you'll get the best.

[GreyKitten87]

I wish it wasn't so, but he is definitely hiding something (and it's something bad). You are having your suspicions because you know something bad is going on. I do not think it is porn (and I understand porn is an issue for you, but it's just porn and if that's really the case then I would say pick your battles and let that go, I know that't not what you wanted to hear).

 

However, he seems to be getting very, VERY defensive and hence I think the issue is bigger, like txts from another woman or maybe online dating profile messages etc. If this was some new, young relationship I would say no need to have access to each other's phones and emails etc, but you are married and in my mind that means sharing everything. I always just leave my phone out and I really couldn't care less if my husband looks in it (just don't bring my phone into the bathroom, I don't want any poop particles on it lol), but hiding your phone after 18 years??? WARNING! Neon lights going off!!!

 

Yes you asked if he is having an affair and of course he said no. Did you actually expect him to say well yes wifey, I have been seeing another woman for several months now? No, that's not going to happen.

 

There is a reason you are feeling this way and my advice would be to not prolong the pain of the breakup. Also, even if let's say he is not cheating (99.98% unlikely), I still say leave him. A husband should not be hiding anything from his wife, and the fact that he is making you feel insecure like this means it's time to move onto something better and realize THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

 

Good luck!!

[Lobe]

How are things going, YST?

[aileD]

i'm still looking and listening etc. He gives me access to his phone andI have a tracer on it, so I'd see deleted texts I think and there are none, he also keeps his GPS on now and shows me where he is while working because I've worried about that.

 

So...I had a gps in my WS truck and it would sit in the work parking lot all day while she would come get him in her car and they'd go off to **** during lunch.

[Robert]

We'll close this up pending the return of the thread-starter.

 

Please contact moderation via the 'Alert Us' button to re-open your thread.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

 

Reopened thread and merged update - William

Edited August 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[yepsurething]

[F]or those who asked how things are going wanted to give you an update.

 

still recording with the VAR and so far nothing new.

 

I know I let my husband know all of my ways or sneaking on him so maybe he's being really careful, and I don't believe nothing happened with him and the woman he worked with,

 

but I feel pretty confident that there is nothing going on now and that he is really sorry.

 

we had a few blow up fights and he admitted how horrible he's been regarding my feelings and has now basically opened up his whole life to me.

 

his phone, his computer, (he doesn't know I record him as far as I know) he leaves his GPS on so I can see where he is .

 

hope we're off to a new and better more open start or restart in our marriage.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement!!!!

Edited August 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads and reopen

[Lobe]

hope we're off to a new and better more open start or restart in our marriage.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement!!!!

 

I am hoping against hope itself that you scared him straight. Good luck, YST. I mean that from the bottom of my shrivelled black heart lol

 

PS it's OK to keep recording indefinitely. Just more the VAR from time to time

[aileD]

That's great news, tell me more about the VAR ?

[Whoknew30]

I am hoping against hope itself that you scared him straight. Good luck, YST. I mean that from the bottom of my shrivelled black heart lol

 

PS it's OK to keep recording indefinitely. Just more the VAR from time to time

 

It's not ok to keep recording, that's what a good marriage is, continuing to record your spouse. That's stalkerish behavior.

 

OP, you're marriage isn't doing better if you're still recording your H & especially not finding anything & still doing it. You're not happy bc he's treating you nicer you're happy bc you're spying & haven't found anything but are going to continue. Guess what, you've now become a person not to trust & you're the one being dishonest. If he finds out..then what? This is no way way to have a marriage or any relationship. You're lying to yourself, if you think you're being healthy. If you're recording your marriage isn't good.

[BetrayedH]

He's not "really sorry" if he's still lying straight to your face. And you clearly believe that you're still not getting the truth from him as you've said you don't believe that nothing happened with this woman at work.

 

I'm glad you're happier and that you feel confident that nothing is currently going on. But for me, the lies were the hardest part. My spouse is supposed to be my partner for all things in life. If my partner for all things in life has no problem lying straight to my face (especially about having a relationship with someone else), I'd just rather not have a partner. In your case, those lies are still being told. It's not in the past. It's still actively happening.

 

I'm sorry but you're rug sweeping.

[Lobe]

It's obvious YST is choosing to rug sweep. She has bigger fish to fry right now and wants to put the affair on the back burner for now. If you think about it logically, she's flying under the radar now and eventually hubby will screw up. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give all the rope a person needs to hang themselves. YST knows it ain't over or she would have taken the VAR out. He will get sloppy when he gets comfortable. That's my guess.

[S2B]

This does look like major rug sweeping... The problem is once it's swept there - it doesn't mean it disappears.

 

He's not sorry he did it - he's just sorry he got caught.

 

 

Stay aware and vigilant.

[elaine567]

It's not ok to keep recording, that's what a good marriage is, continuing to record your spouse. That's stalkerish behavior.

 

OP, you're marriage isn't doing better if you're still recording your H & especially not finding anything & still doing it. You're not happy bc he's treating you nicer you're happy bc you're spying & haven't found anything but are going to continue. Guess what, you've now become a person not to trust & you're the one being dishonest. If he finds out..then what? This is no way way to have a marriage or any relationship. You're lying to yourself, if you think you're being healthy. If you're recording your marriage isn't good.

 

Who said the marriage is good?

YST is very aware of what is wrong in her marriage, she knows he is most likely still lying.

She can't afford to take her eye off the ball and pretend to herself all is well in her marriage surely?

[road]

Checking up on a WS after an affair is the only way to know that NC is truly happening.

 

 

Without knowing there is NC between the AP's then the trust can never be repaired.

[Whoknew30]

Who said the marriage is good?

YST is very aware of what is wrong in her marriage, she knows he is most likely still lying.

She can't afford to take her eye off the ball and pretend to herself all is well in her marriage surely?

 

She's cheating false happiness for herself is what I'm saying. If you're only happy in a relationship bc your spying & not finding anything you shouldn't be in the relationship. Iit's ridiculous that people think bc they were lied to or hurt that doing the same back is ok. "I got lied to" so now I can't secrete my record some as long as want...it's just as bad as a WS. It's also deceptive & two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You don't trust, get out. You don't secretly record your spouse. Thats stalkerish, weird & extremely desperate.

[merrmeade]

...it's just as bad as a WS.

No. It's not just as bad as a WS.

[Whoknew30]

No. It's not just as bad as a WS.

 

Yes it is...now she's a liar bc she hasn't caught him doing anything...so actually in this case she's worse.

[BluesPower]

I don't want to single anyone out but I think that some of us are being a little hard on OP about this situation.

 

I am not sure that Husband did/did not sleep with someone, lunch girl or maybe someone else.

 

His behavior has been very suspicious, most especially clearing out his phone and his other behaviors. Weather his did something or not OP had every right to snoop and be worried.

 

I disagree with anyone that says a H & W should have any secrets or "privacy", so to speak, for any reason. I know others feel differently, but it is a breeding ground for infidelity.

 

No one is above it, so please be real if you think you are. I have been both BS and WS, trust me I know.

 

Attractive men and woman are going to get hit on all the time, and sometimes it comes when you are at your weakest.

 

So my point is, I think everyone should lighten up on this situation. No one knows exactly what happened on either side for sure.

 

 

Just saying...

[merrmeade]

Yes it is...now she's a liar bc she hasn't caught him doing anything...so actually in this case she's worse.

She's not worse if you're still calling him a WS.

[yepsurething]

It's not ok to keep recording, that's what a good marriage is, continuing to record your spouse. That's stalkerish behavior.

 

OP, you're marriage isn't doing better if you're still recording your H & especially not finding anything & still doing it. You're not happy bc he's treating you nicer you're happy bc you're spying & haven't found anything but are going to continue. Guess what, you've now become a person not to trust & you're the one being dishonest. If he finds out..then what? This is no way way to have a marriage or any relationship. You're lying to yourself, if you think you're being healthy. If you're recording your marriage isn't good.

 

I am still recording and not sure when I will feel ok enough to stop. My husband did lie after saying he was telling the truth, so in my opinion he isn't trustworthy and Im not going to let myself be lied to again and if it takes weeks or months for me to trust him than thats how it will go.

[yepsurething]

One question related to your logic—i.e., maybe he's telling the truth about everything based on the fact that he made one of his crude comments clearly provoked by his need to prove his manliness to his male colleagues:

 

How do you explain his efforts to hide his phone messages when you first started asking questions? Why did he stop seeing the woman (women?) that you were worried about?

 

If you have an explanation that totally makes sense to you and you're at peace with, that's all that matters. For me, the more I live with my knowledge of what my husband did, the better I am at picking up inconsistencies now. And I never dismiss anything on the basis of - well, poor thing, he's burdened with this programming to be this way.

 

So YST, just saying to keep raising your standards for BOTH of you. Expect the best and you'll get the best.

 

these are good questions.

 

I don't think he was really sorry in the beginning, but I think as he's gotten close to me again and our family he realized what he was risking and seems to be really sorry now and is being open as far as I know.

 

but I do still worry that he's lying to keep me happy. and I know he's not telling me everything, because I think he feels like a real scum bag for acting like he did, so I hope thats enough to make him change?

 

but Im still listening to hear if he's telling the truth now and if I can find out what really happened so I can stop worrying about it.

[elaine567]

I am still recording and not sure when I will feel ok enough to stop. My husband did lie after saying he was telling the truth, so in my opinion he isn't trustworthy and Im not going to let myself be lied to again and if it takes weeks or months for me to trust him than thats how it will go.

 

I agree, if you found your business partner had lied to you, then you would either kick him out or monitor his activity until he proved he was trustworthy.

Seems some would like wives to blindly trust as "love" supposedly means they should trust completely, no matter what happens...

That only makes sense to someone who is cheating, as they then have free rein to do what they want, without fear of being found out.

[yepsurething]

Yes it is...now she's a liar bc she hasn't caught him doing anything...so actually in this case she's worse.

 

well actually I did 'catch' him doing something, lying, which is a huge thing, then talking sexually about coworkers and every other female alive. maybe thats standard for a lot of men, but that doesn't mean it's ok.

 

at least not for me.

 

so since I haven't lied about anything except my spying source (and my husband is well aware Im spying and now encourages it, maybe to get me off his case...not sure)

 

I have access to his phone, computer currently. I didn't used to have that access.

 

I wouldn't have this if I hadn't spied. life would have gone on as usual,now I feel like Im on more equal ground because I know who my husband really is.

 

I can be recorded for days, and besides sounding like a goof ball, there won't be any talk about f'ing my coworkers or men friends so just because he's a man doesn't give him the right to act like a disrespectful jerk.