Cell phone question [updated]

[yepsurething]

So she gets advice to spy on him...which is completely wrong. Then she finds out yeah his talking to women but nothing bad, she still recording him. He tells her he's ready to leave her bc she's too much & jealous, she continues to keep up what he asked her not to. She doesn't find him doing anything wrong & catches her recording him...he gets mad & throws something out of anger bc he's upset about it & now that's called gaskighting & abuse but it's ok for a wife to be down a husband's throat bc he talks to woman at work about some of their personal life?

 

Unreal! OP, you're being way too much. I think you're a stay at home mom that is bored out of her mind & not happy with herself, so you're projecting your insecurity on to your H...read one of the newer post about that guy that ruined his marriage bc he thought his wife was cheating & she wasn't...bc if you don't stop, your marriage is going to end. Honestly for your own sanity, I hope you can get over this...behaving like this bc some woman talked to your H about her family or vice-versa is no way for anyone to live. I don't blame him for not telling you he talks to women, you didn't really find anything & that's not good enough...why are you looking to be so unhappy.

 

BTW...most people's reactions would be about the same to find out their spouse is recording them. That's in itself is not normal & stalkerish behavior.

 

you have the story a bit skewed, he told me he wanted to leave me before I spied at all, he wanted to leave me because I wanted to see his phone and was questioning him and was pissed as hell about his friend and private calls and texts. and the fact that he had become distant from our marriage and kids.

 

and I have NEVER in our marriage spied on him before which is why it was so easy for him to do what ever he wanted, and without spying our marriage might be over and he would have left, because I spied he had to admit to himself what was going on and it made him feel like hell to realize he was screwing up our lives over basically flirtatious work games that are being played.

 

and I did find things that he did wrong...lying about going out to lunch or not letting me have access to his phone, which IS wrong..and no, Im not bored at all, I have a fulfilling and active life, (thats why I care about fixing my marriage and not just leaving) and knowing my husband of almost 20 years is lying and sneaking around...enough that he himself admits it was all wrong, how is it stalkerish to want to know the truth.

 

and believe it or not, he wants me to record him so I can feel safe about all of this.

 

I am an open book to my husband and as he has recently said that his whole life with me he has felt safe and never worried about me lying or cheating and how bad he feels that he didn't give me the same, and he wants that for me.

 

oh, in reference to what he was talking about to his female coworker, well, it was too personal, so personal in fact that the conversation included him giving her advice to not listen to her husband, which isn't his right to tell her and telling her to have more babies, again something her husband doenst want....so if there is a way to get a women to crush on you in my opinion its telling her to have babies and empower herself to not listen to her husband. my husband realized afterwards how mad he would be if I went to work and some guy told me to go against his wishes, especially concerning having kids.

 

so, maybe you're cool with that kind of talk for your spouse, and maybe I am paranoid now because I"ve been lied to for at least the last 2 years, but that's how affairs happen. if she has complaints about her life she needs to take that home to her man. not wasting my husbands time (sometime and hour at a time sitting at his desk complaining and flirting)

[yepsurething]

How about you and hubby focus on giving you more independence? Do you not drive? Then he can help you learn. Do you not have a car? He must get you one. I paid $500 for an extra clunker. Your independence is worth it. He owes it to you and should want to help you expand your limits.

 

yes, this is a good idea, and we've talked about it recently.

[Lobe]

I'm excited for you to get a vehicle, YST - that seems like a HUGE part of your isolation and hopefully it will give you the opportunity to surprise hubby at work but in a GOOD way - like showing up with a Tupperware container of pot roast and wearing a skirt with no undies

 

Will you continue recording him or was his invitation enough for you to extend a bit of trust back towards him?

[Lobe]

I missed the carpooling thing, but that's still not a smoking gun. He might just be one of those idiots who thought 'oh I don't want to get her hackles up so I'd rather just not say anything even though it's innocent'...

 

Affairs are like mushrooms - they bloom and grow in darkness.

 

If a man knows something he is doing is going to get his wife's hackles up, then he knows it's inappropriate. My WH (and many others' WHs) was "that idiot" and even HE knows that. You should read NOT just friends if you haven't already. She was well within her rights to say, "I am your wife and I find this inappropriate."

 

"If you have to sneak to do it, lie to cover it up, or delete it to avoid being seen, then you probably shouldn't be doing it."

[ChickiePops]

Affairs are like mushrooms - they bloom and grow in darkness.

 

If a man knows something he is doing is going to get his wife's hackles up, then he knows it's inappropriate. My WH (and many others' WHs) was "that idiot" and even HE knows that. You should read NOT just friends if you haven't already. She was well within her rights to say, "I am your wife and I find this inappropriate."

 

"If you have to sneak to do it, lie to cover it up, or delete it to avoid being seen, then you probably shouldn't be doing it."

 

I like you a lot and I respect your posts, You and I are normally very much on the same page. I just think that in this particular case we all need to step back a bit. It's easy to get wrapped up in someone's story and be passionate and caring and want the best for them, which I know is where you're coming from, and me too, but to the OP it's not just a story.

 

He sounds like a bit of an ass, but he has not done anything that points directly to an affair. He's been inappropriate, sure, but if we keep telling the OP that her husband is cheating, she'll stop being observant and just believe it without looking into it further. Words have power, even the words of strangers on a forum and especially when the seeds of doubt have (understandably) already taken root.

 

My advice would be to trust but verify..continue watching. YST, would your husband be willing to invite you to lunch or drinks or any kind of event with his coworkers sometime so you can see the dynamic for yourself? That might help to put your mind at ease.

[merrmeade]

and I have NEVER in our marriage spied on him before which is why it was so easy for him to do what ever he wanted, and without spying our marriage might be over and he would have left, because I spied he had to admit to himself what was going on and it made him feel like hell to realize he was screwing up our lives over basically flirtatious work games that are being played.

 

and I did find things that he did wrong...lying about going out to lunch or not letting me have access to his phone, which IS wrong..and no, Im not bored at all, I have a fulfilling and active life, (thats why I care about fixing my marriage and not just leaving) and knowing my husband of almost 20 years is lying and sneaking around...enough that he himself admits it was all wrong, how is it stalkerish to want to know the truth.

 

and believe it or not, he wants me to record him so I can feel safe about all of this.

 

I am an open book to my husband and as he has recently said that his whole life with me he has felt safe and never worried about me lying or cheating and how bad he feels that he didn't give me the same, and he wants that for me.

 

oh, in reference to what he was talking about to his female coworker, well, it was too personal, so personal in fact that the conversation included him giving her advice to not listen to her husband, which isn't his right to tell her and telling her to have more babies, again something her husband doenst want....so if there is a way to get a women to crush on you in my opinion its telling her to have babies and empower herself to not listen to her husband. my husband realized afterwards how mad he would be if I went to work and some guy told me to go against his wishes, especially concerning having kids.

 

so, maybe you're cool with that kind of talk for your spouse, and maybe I am paranoid now because I"ve been lied to for at least the last 2 years, but that's how affairs happen. if she has complaints about her life she needs to take that home to her man. not wasting my husbands time (sometime and hour at a time sitting at his desk complaining and flirting)

Nowwww, you're getting it YST. And your knowledge and ability to articulate what's wrong, why and how it should be - all that is evolving together in a way that it sounds like you've probably already changed in perceptible ways that your H can see. For one thing, you "left the fight" the other night. I'd bet money that he's been intimidating you for years into buying his crap explanations so he could keep doing things his way and keep you safe at home while he carries on his own life his way. Your independence is already growing and he's threatened. THAT's the reason for the temper tantrums - plus the fact that he's probably used to you (and the kids?) getting cowed when he starts to fume except now it's not working.

 

The more you read and talk, the more you think and write, the stronger and clearer you will be. Get that car. Your life will change so fast and in so many ways...

 

Oh I meant to comment on the bolded items: Just wanted to say that my WH misused the word "flirtations" to cover a whole gamut of off-the-chart behavior. Be careful with that word when you're talking to him. In fact, we sat down and talked about details of flirtatious behavior - when it starts, what it looks like and sounds like, how you turn off your attractiveness and attraction when you know someone is coming onto you. And this was the follow-up to his summation of how and why he got into these relationships: flattery. "Flattery" is his word of choice every time the subject comes up and that, if you think about it, IS what it's about for what you're seeing, too. It's flattering to be approached for advice, flattering to be flirted with, and flattering to feel someone's attraction to you.

Edited August 26, 2016 by merrmeade

[Lobe]

He's been inappropriate, sure, but if we keep telling the OP that her husband is cheating, she'll stop being observant and just believe it without looking into it further.

 

My advice would be to trust but verify..continue watching. YST, would your husband be willing to invite you to lunch or drinks or any kind of event with his coworkers sometime so you can see the dynamic for yourself? That might help to put your mind at ease.

 

I think we're giving the same advice - trust, but cautiously. Whether or not you or I or anyone else thinks carpooling a girl behind someone's back or taking single female coworkers out to lunch is OK or not doesn't matter a lick because for these two it's apparent that they both agreed in principle (YST in sensing her husband was hiding something, MrYST in hiding it) that it was not OK. Due diligence was done, and now they both need to rebuild.

 

I concur that a vehicle and some freedom from being trapped on the homestead will be a HUGE game-changer, and hopefully an opportunity for YST and her husband to reinvent the way they interact with one another.

[Lobe]

Oh I meant to comment on the bolded items: Just wanted to say that my WH misused the word "flirtations" to cover a whole gamut of off-the-chart behavior. Be careful with that word when you're talking to him. In fact, we sat down and talked about details of flirtatious behavior - when it starts, what it looks like and sounds like, how you turn off your attractiveness and attraction when you know someone is coming onto you. And this was the follow-up to his summation of how and why he got into these relationships: flattery. "Flattery" is his word of choice every time the subject comes up and that, if you think about it, IS what it's about for what you're seeing, too. It's flattering to be approached for advice, flattering to be flirted with, and flattering to feel someone's attraction to you.

 

This is very important - studies show that (predominantly) men think "cheating" is not occurring until and unless there is a penis in a vagina, whereas (most) women feel that "cheating" starts before and even without any sexual contact. It's very important to have shared meaning/understanding for words like "flirting" and "cheating" because if I had asked my husband if he was "cheating" on me for the first 8 months of the affair, he would have said, "no" and meant it, despite the fact the only thing they HADN'T done sexually was PIV sex lol.

[merrmeade]

I think we're giving the same advice - trust, but cautiously. Whether or not you or I or anyone else thinks carpooling a girl behind someone's back or taking single female coworkers out to lunch is OK or not doesn't matter a lick because for these two it's apparent that they both agreed in principle (YST in sensing her husband was hiding something, MrYST in hiding it) that it was not OK. Due diligence was done, and now they both need to rebuild.

 

I concur that a vehicle and some freedom from being trapped on the homestead will be a HUGE game-changer, and hopefully an opportunity for YST and her husband to reinvent the way they interact with one another.

I disagree that YST should just let bygones be bygones. If you read the last couple of pages, she's getting more pissed instead of less as she gets more language and knowledge.

 

One thing she keeps bringing up is his lying. This is a very big deal for YST - and it should be! You don't just apologize for lying AND all the covering up he's done of late and then merrily go on. No. You freakin' tell all - that is, if you want a marriage of equals. So he still has not done that - besides the fact that he keeps her down on the farm while he prances like a rooster in front of one clucking hen after another!

[Whoknew30]

you have the story a bit skewed, he told me he wanted to leave me before I spied at all, he wanted to leave me because I wanted to see his phone and was questioning him and was pissed as hell about his friend and private calls and texts. and the fact that he had become distant from our marriage and kids.

 

and I have NEVER in our marriage spied on him before which is why it was so easy for him to do what ever he wanted, and without spying our marriage might be over and he would have left, because I spied he had to admit to himself what was going on and it made him feel like hell to realize he was screwing up our lives over basically flirtatious work games that are being played.

 

and I did find things that he did wrong...lying about going out to lunch or not letting me have access to his phone, which IS wrong..and no, Im not bored at all, I have a fulfilling and active life, (thats why I care about fixing my marriage and not just leaving) and knowing my husband of almost 20 years is lying and sneaking around...enough that he himself admits it was all wrong, how is it stalkerish to want to know the truth.

 

and believe it or not, he wants me to record him so I can feel safe about all of this.

 

I am an open book to my husband and as he has recently said that his whole life with me he has felt safe and never worried about me lying or cheating and how bad he feels that he didn't give me the same, and he wants that for me.

 

oh, in reference to what he was talking about to his female coworker, well, it was too personal, so personal in fact that the conversation included him giving her advice to not listen to her husband, which isn't his right to tell her and telling her to have more babies, again something her husband doenst want....so if there is a way to get a women to crush on you in my opinion its telling her to have babies and empower herself to not listen to her husband. my husband realized afterwards how mad he would be if I went to work and some guy told me to go against his wishes, especially concerning having kids.

 

so, maybe you're cool with that kind of talk for your spouse, and maybe I am paranoid now because I"ve been lied to for at least the last 2 years, but that's how affairs happen. if she has complaints about her life she needs to take that home to her man. not wasting my husbands time (sometime and hour at a time sitting at his desk complaining and flirting)

 

 

A spouse isn't a child. No i would never demand to see my H phone bc I'm not his mother & refuse to behave like it. If you grab a phone & look through here & there bc you think something might be up, ok I can understand that but you want to know everything he's doing at work like a mother...go to MC, let him see you're being independent about yourself & not all over what he's doing. If you're having a problem with him respecting you, show him you respect yourself first. Bra beating shows desperation, neediness, & lack of self esteem, that's not how you change a situation, especially a marriage. I grew up with the women in my family behaving like you explain & it only made them miserable bc nothing ever changed. If he's going to have an A (if that's what he wants) he's going to do it & the way you're handling it isn't going to prevent that.

 

 

If you want a healthy relationship it starts with both people getting past unhealthy habits, be a example of what you're looking for from him. So instead of all focus on him, look within yourself & show him the standard, don't sink down to his.

[merrmeade]

I think she's very clear that the lying is a deal breaker:

• My husband did lie after saying he was telling the truth, so in my opinion he isn't trustworthy and Im not going to let myself be lied to again ...
  
• but I do still worry that he's lying to keep me happy.
  
• I did 'catch' him doing something, lying, which is a huge thing,
  
• firstly my husband tells me he has no female friends which is a huge lie
  
• I'm just feeling rather numb from lie after lie.
  
• he tried denying the women in his office chatting about personal things, until I told him I've been listening for weeks and have heard all kinds of things including this women sitting in his tiny office right next to him talking endlessly.
  
• that's no excuse to lie
  
• maybe I am paranoid now because I"ve been lied to for at least the last 2 years

Girlfriend is also getting feisty in a good way and empowered (though I know it's also quite painful):

... since I haven't lied about anything except my spying source ...

 

I have access to his phone, computer currently. I didn't used to have that access.

 

I wouldn't have this if I hadn't spied. life would have gone on as usual,now I feel like Im on more equal ground because I know who my husband really is.

 

I can be recorded for days, and besides sounding like a goof ball, there won't be any talk about f'ing my coworkers or men friends so just because he's a man doesn't give him the right to act like a disrespectful jerk.

_______________

... and I have the right to not have myself or my kids personal lives talked about at work. I don't agree with you that it ok to tell some female I get upset as a stay at home mom, or giving some female the advice to have more kids or her telling my husband to have more kids. and a couple things that were very personal he hasn't even discussed with me, and as you say you aren't in a marriage currently , no offense but maybe it's because you weren't honest in your relationship. I deserve to get what i give.

You DO deserve to get what you give, YST. And you have not lowered your standards at all by finding this stuff out. It's given you a voice.

[merrmeade]

A spouse isn't a child. No i would never demand to see my H phone bc I'm not his mother & refuse to behave like it. If you grab a phone & look through here & there bc you think something might be up, ok I can understand that but you want to know everything he's doing at work like a mother...go to MC, let him see you're being independent about yourself & not all over what he's doing. If you're having a problem with him respecting you, show him you respect yourself first. Bra beating shows desperation, neediness, & lack of self esteem, that's not how you change a situation, especially a marriage. I grew up with the women in my family behaving like you explain & it only made them miserable bc nothing ever changed. If he's going to have an A (if that's what he wants) he's going to do it & the way you're handling it isn't going to prevent that.

 

 

If you want a healthy relationship it starts with both people getting past unhealthy habits, be a example of what you're looking for from him. So instead of all focus on him, look within yourself & show him the standard, don't sink down to his.

This is demeaning, YST, as I'm sure you realize. I'm disappointed in the exaggerations and distorted interpretation of what's happening with you. No, it's not a coincidence that a few women posters are encouraging YST to think and speak for herself to a man who has been intimidating, controlling and keeping her confined at home for years. It's who she needs to hear from right now. It's also not surprising that someone would be threatened by this (but I wish it hadn't been one of my favorite posters). But this is definitely NOT what you call "bra-beating" (whatever that is) and shame for discouraging YST to FINALLY take a stand for herself against the lies and abuse. So if that's what you mean by "the way you're handling it" then, YST, you must be saying the right things.

[Whoknew30]

This is demeaning, YST, as I'm sure you realize. I'm disappointed in the exaggerations and distorted interpretation of what's happening with you. No, it's not a coincidence that a few women posters are encouraging YST to think and speak for herself to a man who has been intimidating, controlling and keeping her confined at home for years. It's who she needs to hear from right now. It's also not surprising that someone would be threatened by this (but I wish it hadn't been one of my favorite posters). But this is definitely NOT what you call "bra-beating" (whatever that is) and shame for discouraging YST to FINALLY take a stand for herself against the lies and abuse. So if that's what you mean by "the way you're handling it" then, YST, you must be saying the right things.

 

its deeming to have to record your husband'd conversations. It's deeming to be obsessing about what conversations he's having at work bc you're not there to hear it...so I absolute agree it the situation in itself is deeming. Do you know how I know what I'm saying is bc I watched it with the women in my family all my life. I agree, it's great to have a voice as a women but to fall to a level where you're spying & miserable is so deeming to a woman's soul & it doesn't fix the other spouses behavior. Once you put something out there in your relationship to stop & it doesn't than action not voice is the only way to proceed, if not willing to take actual action to proceed to fix the issues your having then your words mean nothing. I watched my mom do this for years & for a long time I didn't respect it, until she finally took action & kicked my dad out. He changed after that & she was no longer miserable. One action changed her whole life after all those of waisted energy of the same conversation over & over & over again...even I got sick of hearing it & thought "now wonder why dad does what he does" & it also turned into me thinking I couldn't go to my mom about things bc I saw how she handled her own problems...though I learned to never be that way bc it only makes you miserable so that was my own silver lining.

 

No woman (person but I'm about girl power) should ever allow herself to fall to a miserable desperate level for anyone...she's always worth more than that. Also one has to pick battles, it's fine to say what you think is appropriate work conversations but it's not healthy to want to know every single word spoken & demand to see your spouses phone like their a kid...that's not having a voice that's trying to be your spouse parent & parenting a spouse doesn't work bc they start treating you like a parent back instead of a spouse.

[Lobe]

that's not having a voice that's trying to be your spouse parent & parenting a spouse doesn't work bc they start treating you like a parent back instead of a spouse.

 

I kind of think YST's husband is getting a taste of his own medicine as it sounds like he has always been the one to parent her lol

[merrmeade]

its deeming to have to record your husband'd conversations. It's deeming to be obsessing about what conversations he's having at work bc you're not there to hear it...so I absolute agree it the situation in itself is deeming. Do you know how I know what I'm saying is bc I watched it with the women in my family all my life. I agree, it's great to have a voice as a women but to fall to a level where you're spying & miserable is so deeming to a woman's soul & it doesn't fix the other spouses behavior. Once you put something out there in your relationship to stop & it doesn't than action not voice is the only way to proceed, if not willing to take actual action to proceed to fix the issues your having then your words mean nothing. I watched my mom do this for years & for a long time I didn't respect it, until she finally took action & kicked my dad out. He changed after that & she was no longer miserable. One action changed her whole life after all those of waisted energy of the same conversation over & over & over again...even I got sick of hearing it & thought "now wonder why dad does what he does" & it also turned into me thinking I couldn't go to my mom about things bc I saw how she handled her own problems...though I learned to never be that way bc it only makes you miserable so that was my own silver lining.

 

No woman (person but I'm about girl power) should ever allow herself to fall to a miserable desperate level for anyone...she's always worth more than that. Also one has to pick battles, it's fine to say what you think is appropriate work conversations but it's not healthy to want to know every single word spoken & demand to see your spouses phone like their a kid...that's not having a voice that's trying to be your spouse parent & parenting a spouse doesn't work bc they start treating you like a parent back instead of a spouse.

Oh dear. It just got worse.

 

YST is just beginning to realize her own worth. She's not your mom. This isn't about feminism. It's an individual struggling to identify and then realize in her own life what's important to her in her relationship. Once they get clear on that, they'll both be better people. But he can't do it without her firm stand. And all this is dependent on whether the truth is clean enough for her to forgive the lying. He's lost her trust, so they have to figure out how to get past that or give up. She's not the one needing to prove herself trustworthy, and she is NOT why he "does what he does."

[Lobe]

YST is just beginning to realize her own worth. She's not your mom. This isn't about feminism...

 

She's not the one needing to prove herself trustworthy, and she is NOT why he "does what he does."

 

So easy to sit in the sidelines in judgment rather than true empathy. Merrmeade, you embody empathy and I found your posts insightful and honest from day one but this? Thank you for verbalizing what I was struggling to. YST, embrace your voice. Don't feel guilty for stepping up. THAT is feminist. You are a pioneer in your relationship YST.

[merrmeade]

So easy to sit in the sidelines in judgment rather than true empathy. Merrmeade, you embody empathy and I found your posts insightful and honest from day one but this? Thank you for verbalizing what I was struggling to. YST, embrace your voice. Don't feel guilty for stepping up. THAT is feminist. You are a pioneer in your relationship YST.

Likewise, Lobe! But I know you also agree this is ALL about YST's very personal struggle with not just the dishonesty but the relationship dynamics, expectations and overall quality of life she's accepted without question for too many years.

 

No one should apologize for using the F-word - ever - BUT I also know that "feminism" as a label is threatening to some and ends up getting maligned along with the women embracing it. So I'd rather not go there for YST's sake. It's not the venue for it and detracts from her individual issues and progress. She's the one at home trying to figure out what's important to her long-term in this pivotal moment in her marriage.

 

Sorry, YST, but we had to clear the air a bit. Back to you. How's it going?

[Whoknew30]

Oh dear. It just got worse.

 

YST is just beginning to realize her own worth. She's not your mom. This isn't about feminism. It's an individual struggling to identify and then realize in her own life what's important to her in her relationship. Once they get clear on that, they'll both be better people. But he can't do it without her firm stand. And all this is dependent on whether the truth is clean enough for her to forgive the lying. He's lost her trust, so they have to figure out how to get past that or give up. She's not the one needing to prove herself trustworthy, and she is NOT why he "does what he does."

 

Her husband can't watch porn (which means she's telling how to masterbate) she wants to know every conversation he's having at work. She found out a conversation he had with his friends & flipped, he can't have lunch with female coworkers & he'd didn't cheat! The man hasn't cheated she's found nothing. It doesn't sound like there has ever been anything wrong with her voice. She's been at home raising kids for a long time, it's not his fault she is stuck in the house. That's a together, relationship choice.

 

Also she said he told her to build her credit up, if a guy is really controlling how & why would she be in the position to be able to build up their credit? He'd be in control of that.

 

Remember Mer, her husband hasn't cheated & she even taped him & found nothing. He lies to her bc he doesn't want t to hear her nag. If I truly didn't cheat & was being treated like I did, I'd behave the same way. Though I'll be honest, someone telling me how I can masterbate would be a deal breaker, that's WAY to possive for me.

[Whoknew30]

So easy to sit in the sidelines in judgment rather than true empathy. Merrmeade, you embody empathy and I found your posts insightful and honest from day one but this? Thank you for verbalizing what I was struggling to. YST, embrace your voice. Don't feel guilty for stepping up. THAT is feminist. You are a pioneer in your relationship YST.

 

Empathy is good but not when you're giving advice & I'll tell you why. When being empathetic when someone has asked for a honest opinion can come across that you agree with exactly what they're doing. It's not judgemental to say it's completely unhealthy to be recording your husband's calls, it's called logical truth.

[merrmeade]

Her husband can't watch porn (which means she's telling how to masterbate) she wants to know every conversation he's having at work. She found out a conversation he had with his friends & flipped, he can't have lunch with female coworkers & he'd didn't cheat! The man hasn't cheated she's found nothing. It doesn't sound like there has ever been anything wrong with her voice. She's been at home raising kids for a long time, it's not his fault she is stuck in the house. That's a together, relationship choice.

 

Also she said he told her to build her credit up, if a guy is really controlling how & why would she be in the position to be able to build up their credit? He'd be in control of that.

 

Remember Mer, her husband hasn't cheated & she even taped him & found nothing. He lies to her bc he doesn't want t to hear her nag. If I truly didn't cheat & was being treated like I did, I'd behave the same way. Though I'll be honest, someone telling me how I can masterbate would be a deal breaker, that's WAY to possive for me.

Hilarious. No response.

[Lobe]

Hilarious. No response.

 

Imma just go ahead and ditto that...

[yepsurething]

No woman (person but I'm about girl power) should ever allow herself to fall to a miserable desperate level for anyone...she's always worth more than that. Also one has to pick battles, it's fine to say what you think is appropriate work conversations but it's not healthy to want to know every single word spoken & demand to see your spouses phone like their a kid...that's not having a voice that's trying to be your spouse parent & parenting a spouse doesn't work bc they start treating you like a parent back instead of a spouse.

 

well, I don't think it's being a parent to want to see my husbands phone, and he's admitted he was hiding porn, and crude pics and chats and what an f'er he was.

 

so now he doesn't hide things. and he's glad to be open and doesnt feel like Im his mom but his partner who can know him deeply.

 

and as you aren't in the same position there is no comparison to being the one who sits at home NOT cheating or flirting.

 

I'm finding the people who want the most privacy are the ones who have the most to hide.

 

oh, and you said something about controlling his masturbation. haha. yeah, well, guys lived without porn for a few hundred thousand years and managed, and if you read what I said, I don't have an issue with his looking at porn anymore, and he is honest now about it.

[yepsurething]

Her husband can't watch porn (which means she's telling how to masterbate) she wants to know every conversation he's having at work. She found out a conversation he had with his friends & flipped, he can't have lunch with female coworkers & he'd didn't cheat! The man hasn't cheated she's found nothing. It doesn't sound like there has ever been anything wrong with her voice. She's been at home raising kids for a long time, it's not his fault she is stuck in the house. That's a together, relationship choice.

 

Also she said he told her to build her credit up, if a guy is really controlling how & why would she be in the position to be able to build up their credit? He'd be in control of that.

 

Remember Mer, her husband hasn't cheated & she even taped him & found nothing. He lies to her bc he doesn't want t to hear her nag. If I truly didn't cheat & was being treated like I did, I'd behave the same way. Though I'll be honest, someone telling me how I can masterbate would be a deal breaker, that's WAY to possive for me.

 

ok, I already answered you regarding ''telling'' my husband how to masturbate, if you would end your marriage over your spouse not liking porn thats not a very strong marriage to begin with. but like I said I dont tell him to not look at porn.

 

I have the right to ask for no private lunches with women, and its not his 'fault' I'm at home because it was our choice as a family, Ive never been unhappy at home, Im unhappy that he feels he can have a completely different life away from our life. and that has ended from what i can tell. something he's very sorry about and regrets and wants to just move forward with our lives as we always planned and try to make things better as well.

 

and he was telling me to build my credit because I have none. He made me file for bankruptcy several years ago and it destroyed my credit, and he wanted to build my credit so he could leave me, because his head was full of the fantasy life he was living away from home. He doesn't have my name on the house, said he's going to change that...and he has finally put in an app for me to be on the checking account...I guess it sounds like he does control the credit and finances to me.

[merrmeade]

I'm at home because it was our choice as a family, Ive never been unhappy at home, Im unhappy that he feels he can have a completely different life away from our life. and that has ended from what i can tell. something he's very sorry about and regrets and wants to just move forward with our lives as we always planned and try to make things better as well.

 

and he was telling me to build my credit because I have none. He made me file for bankruptcy several years ago and it destroyed my credit, and he wanted to build my credit so he could leave me, because his head was full of the fantasy life he was living away from home. He doesn't have my name on the house, said he's going to change that...and he has finally put in an app for me to be on the checking account...I guess it sounds like he does control the credit and finances to me.

That keeping you dependent at home was a choice is all well and good, but I think you see now why you can't afford for your welfare and your kids' to depend on one person who might not always be so dependable.

 

So let's talk about you making yourself less vulnerable in future for a minute: Please get behind the promises and make lists with dates for every step to make sure it happens. They might not be as simple as going somewhere and signing something or just making a phone call.

#1 - checking account: He may have to open a new one with both your names. My husband is not joint on one of mine, and they said we'd have to apply all over again to change it. Just find out and name a day to go to the bank to add your name to the checking account.

#2 - Call whoever (lawyer? mortgage company?) and get the papers drawn up for the house.

#3 - Maybe see a lawyer after all and just find out your rights and options? Just in case?

[Whoknew30]

ok, I already answered you regarding ''telling'' my husband how to masturbate, if you would end your marriage over your spouse not liking porn thats not a very strong marriage to begin with. but like I said I dont tell him to not look at porn.

 

I have the right to ask for no private lunches with women, and its not his 'fault' I'm at home because it was our choice as a family, Ive never been unhappy at home, Im unhappy that he feels he can have a completely different life away from our life. and that has ended from what i can tell. something he's very sorry about and regrets and wants to just move forward with our lives as we always planned and try to make things better as well.

 

and he was telling me to build my credit because I have none. He made me file for bankruptcy several years ago and it destroyed my credit, and he wanted to build my credit so he could leave me, because his head was full of the fantasy life he was living away from home. He doesn't have my name on the house, said he's going to change that...and he has finally put in an app for me to be on the checking account...I guess it sounds like he does control the credit and finances to me.

 

Yep...you're going about this all wrong... not only do I know what it's like to be surrounded by people that all have office jobs, I've also been raised around some (culturally) of the most misogynistic like men there are...if your husband is up to no good or thinking about it, getting in his face isn't going to do anything but make him better at hiding things. Instead of being all about what he's doing while at work, create your own things to do away from him...join a gym, join an activity, something that is only for you. Do you have anything like that? It's noble that you stay home & take care of the kids but sometimes (& I've seen it from the women in my family) women take the identity of their family, now there isn't anything wrong with that but they (we) as women sometimes forget about & lose ourselves as individuals...once that happens it hard to see your spouse outside the home having all these other adult relationships & we're at home with the kids. I'm not implying you're not happy or didn't choose to be at home but only doing that for 18 years can mentally affect the strongest minded person.

 

I've gone through that in my younger days until I realized that id go crazy if I continued, I went out after & volunteered, started working out, have a girls night at least once a month & things really improved for me & my marriage, my husband really liked me getting out after awhile bc it made me happier for him & the kids...which then in turn made him want to be different too.

 

Find your own outlit & I'll bet not only yours situation but you yourself internally will change.